So, Do You Think I'm a Prude/Being Unreasonable?

[ZachnElli]

Probably because the OP herself stated that she might have been okay with the overnight guest if she had met the woman first, or if he were paying rent, or maybe if her house was cleaner at the time ... etc etc etc

Given all that it really doesn't seem all that outlandish to me that a 34 year old man would assume his actions were acceptable. Maybe I just look at it differently but most adults I know think that they don't need a group consultation over what goes on in their personal bedrooms. And I while I also understand the "her house" mentality, at the same time I do believe that if you are going to invite a 34 year old to live with you, it is a given that they do have some rights over their own personal space.
I think having adult children move back into their parent's houses is a difficult situation at best. I struggle with my college son home for the summer and he's much closer to being a kid than this. He's used to be independent and assumes one way, I'm used to being a Mom and I assume something completely different.

Just can't agree with this. Like I said when I first posted, my brother lived with us when he went through his divorce and he did start dating during that period. He was 36 years old, I don't care who he sleeps with, but not in my house. I didn't set any rules for him and he didn't bring his girlfriend home, he stayed at her place. How is a grown sibling any different than her son? Would you be ok if one of your siblings moved in and started having sleepovers with their new significant others?

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

Just can't agree with this. Like I said when I first posted, my brother lived with us when he went through his divorce and he did start dating during that period. He was 36 years old, I don't care who he sleeps with, but not in my house. I didn't set any rules for him and he didn't bring his girlfriend home, he stayed at her place. How is a grown sibling any different than her son? Would you be ok if one of your siblings moved in and started having sleepovers with their new significant others?

Of course. I'm not the sex police.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

Just can't agree with this. Like I said when I first posted, my brother lived with us when he went through his divorce and he did start dating during that period. He was 36 years old, I don't care who he sleeps with, but not in my house. I didn't set any rules for him and he didn't bring his girlfriend home, he stayed at her place. How is a grown sibling any different than her son? Would you be ok if one of your siblings moved in and started having sleepovers with their new significant others?

Again, the OP was away -- they were not in the next room getting down and banging on the walls. I have had my little sister house sit for me numerous times. And as long as the house is in the same condition I left it? She can have sex in every room if that is her wish.

 

[disykat]

Again, the OP was away -- they were not in the next room getting down and banging on the walls. I have had my little sister house sit for me numerous times. And as long as the house is in the same condition I left it? She can have sex in every room if that is her wish.

It doesn't bother you because - it doesn't bother you! It WOULD bother me and anyone who knows me knows it. I expect anyone who stays in my house to show respect my beliefs. I would feel taken advantage of if they flaunted disrepecting my beliefs in my home in my face. (which I believe is what the OP's son did by having a girl there when they got home)

However, if I rented out my house while I was gone I would do so knowing that I have no right to have those expectations.

 

[wvjules]

It doesn't bother you because - it doesn't bother you! It WOULD bother me and anyone who knows me knows it. I expect anyone who stays in my house to show respect my beliefs. I would feel taken advantage of if they flaunted disrepecting my beliefs in my home in my face. (which I believe is what the OP's son did by having a girl there when they got home)
However, if I rented out my house while I was gone I would do so knowing that I have no right to have those expectations.

It wasn't against her beliefs though.

 

[JessicaR]

Of course. I'm not the sex police.

Yeah, but ya gotta admit it would be great work if you could get it!

 

[RitaE]

Just can't agree with this. Like I said when I first posted, my brother lived with us when he went through his divorce and he did start dating during that period. He was 36 years old, I don't care who he sleeps with, but not in my house. I didn't set any rules for him and he didn't bring his girlfriend home, he stayed at her place. How is a grown sibling any different than her son? Would you be ok if one of your siblings moved in and started having sleepovers with their new significant others?

Well I have a sister that is considerably younger than I am and before she was married she did live with her now husband for awhile. When they would visit our house, yes they shared a bedroom. If she had lived with me and wanted to have an overnight guest, I would have considered it her decision and as long as they were discreet then it would have been fine. No it didn't bother me. But if it did I would tell her ... not just expect her to "know me."

 

[Disney Doll]

When I was 34, I knew my parents' feelings about a situation like this. I can tell you that they would have not been happy to know that unmarried me and my boyfriend spent the night together in their home.

As far as the "adult" thing...when he can move out of Mommy and Daddy's house, he'll be an adult. If he can't make it without "help" from Mom and Dad, then he is, frankly, subject to their house rules.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Just can't agree with this. Like I said when I first posted, my brother lived with us when he went through his divorce and he did start dating during that period. He was 36 years old, I don't care who he sleeps with, but not in my house. I didn't set any rules for him and he didn't bring his girlfriend home, he stayed at her place. How is a grown sibling any different than her son? Would you be ok if one of your siblings moved in and started having sleepovers with their new significant others?

This is what I don't get... and I'm not telling anyone they're wrong; I just don't get it. Why is it okay for him to spend the night at her place if it's not okay for her to spend the night at yours?

If there is a moral objection to sex without marriage, the objection should be there regardless of where the person spends the night.

If there is no moral objection, what is the objection?

 

[ZachnElli]

This is what I don't get... and I'm not telling anyone they're wrong; I just don't get it. Why is it okay for him to spend the night at her place if it's not okay for her to spend the night at yours?

If there is a moral objection to sex without marriage, the objection should be there regardless of where the person spends the night.

If there is no moral objection, what is the objection?

Because I didn't know any of these women and I don't invite strangers to stay the night in my home. Do you invite strangers to your home to spend the night? Having access to your computer, tv, dvd players, possibly financial info, pets and your children? I don't! And I know that one of the women my brother dated had kids and she lost custody, he never introduced her to anyone, no family, no friends. And if the women are all living on their own,and they were, why would they want to stay at their boyfriend/girlfriend's relatives house anyway?

 

[LiberalPrincess]

Because I didn't know any of these women and I don't invite strangers to stay the night in my home. Do you invite strangers to your home to spend the night? Having access to your computer, tv, dvd players, possibly financial info, pets and your children? I don't! And I know that one of the women my brother dated had kids and she lost custody, he never introduced her to anyone, no family, no friends. And if the women are all living on their own,and they were, why would they want to stay at their boyfriend/girlfriend's relatives house anyway?

So, if you have a party or event, no one is allowed to bring friends you don't know? Must keep your circle of friends awfully small.

 

[luvmy3]

Because I didn't know any of these women and I don't invite strangers to stay the night in my home. Do you invite strangers to your home to spend the night? Having access to your computer, tv, dvd players, possibly financial info, pets and your children? I don't! And I know that one of the women my brother dated had kids and she lost custody, he never introduced her to anyone, no family, no friends. And if the women are all living on their own,and they were, why would they want to stay at their boyfriend/girlfriend's relatives house anyway?

That just sounds so paranoid to me.

 

[Tink888]

Didn't read the entire thread. I don't think you're a prude. I'm not where you are as my kids are still kids but I don't think I'd ever want them having sleepovers with women in my house while I'm there and probably not while I'm away either. I'm a big believer in my house/my rules.

That said, I'm also a person who isn't opposed to pre-marital sex. And your son is after all, a grown man of 34 with children who lives with you. While it would bother me a little, I'd be less bothered by it since I wasn't there. I'd rather he brought a woman home while I was away as opposed to say, having a hook-up in a van down by the river KWIM?

I would be encouraging him to get his own place pronto.

And as far as your house not being clean enough, don't worry about it. If one of my sons at any age brings a woman over for a sleepover while I'm away, I couldn't give a rat's behind what she thinks of my house or my housekeeping skills.

 

[ZachnElli]

So, if you have a party or event, no one is allowed to bring friends you don't know? Must keep your circle of friends awfully small.

Yeah, I'd be awake and walking around the house, not sleeping and so would my husband and kids. Wow, some of you really like to stretch things!

 

[ZachnElli]

That just sounds so paranoid to me.

So you would trust someone you've never met before, a complete stranger, to spend the night while you are either sleeping, giving them access to walk around your house if you are sleeping or like the original poster, not even there? I have an alarm system too, I guess I am paranoid! Maybe I should turn it off and unlock the doors at night, after all strangers are just people I haven't met yet! Seriously, my brother wouldn't introduce 2 of these "girlfriends" to anyone, why would I want them in my house while I'm sleeping?

 

[ajk912]

That just sounds so paranoid to me.

I probably should just stay out of it but I understand what she is saying. By her siggy, too, she has young kids, and she probably doesn't want to expose her kids to a bunch of girls coming and going. My 22 year old sis is staying with us temporarily, and my DH made a ground rule that NO GUYS are allowed to stay over. She is welcome to stay over at her boyfriend's house, but he cannot stay here. We aren't pushing our morals on her, but she can't push hers on us, just don't have guys stay over. We have kids and it's important to him, so that's that. I do the pick and choose your battles thing, it's not a huge bone of contention to me so he can have at it. And also, I think it's common courtesy to let us know if she is coming home or not, and if she is coming home, please make it by midnight or so. Not imposing a curfew but I just don't want to worry, I feel responsible for her when she's in my house.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

Yeah, I'd be awake and walking around the house, not sleeping and so would my husband and kids. Wow, some of you really like to stretch things!

What was stretched? You made your diatribe about not wanting strangers in your house overnight. Sounds like you would be awake all night. I have more faith in my relatives, you have bad experiences. Says more about the relatives than the strangers. And it still really doesn't apply. Suddenly, are we pretending that the OP's son's girlfriend stole things and violated privacy? Didn't happen. The OP was more worried that her house was not clean enough. Talk about stretching things. On you.

 

[Disney Doll]

When one is staying at someone's house, one follows the rules of the house. The "someone" happening to be one's parents doesn't change that.

I wonder how different the reaction would be if the OP had posted "My adult son is living with me and smoked inthe house and we don't allow smoking, what should I do?".

 

[disykat]

When one is staying at someone's house, one follows the rules of the house. The "someone" happening to be one's parents doesn't change that.

I wonder how different the reaction would be if the OP had posted "My adult son is living with me and smoked inthe house and we don't allow smoking, what should I do?".

Exactly. You can control smoking and other activities that take place in your own home. You can not control what activities adults do elsewhere. It doesn't mean you still don't object to it, you just have no say in it.

 

[mumom95]

Because I didn't know any of these women and I don't invite strangers to stay the night in my home. Do you invite strangers to your home to spend the night? Having access to your computer, tv, dvd players, possibly financial info, pets and your children? I don't! And I know that one of the women my brother dated had kids and she lost custody, he never introduced her to anyone, no family, no friends. And if the women are all living on their own,and they were, why would they want to stay at their boyfriend/girlfriend's relatives house anyway?

I wouldn't call a woman my son was dating (when he gets to the dating age) and sleeping with a stranger, even if I've never met her.

A stranger is someone you know nothing about. Even if I've never met the person, if my son thinks she's a decent person, I automatically know enough about her to know she's a decent person, because I trust his judgement.