So, Do You Think I'm a Prude/Being Unreasonable?

[Carly_Roach]

I think this thread has turned into a tempest in a teapot with several people ganging up, taking a sentence or two out of the OP's posts and bashing her over the head with them ad nauseum. Why? Nothing better to do?

OP, you're not a prude. A majority of the people on this thread agree with the "Your house, your rules" stance which seems to be right in line with societal norm. Don't allow a few troublemakers make you feel as though you're wrong about who you allow in your house simply because they feel the need to gang up on you for one reason or another.

Best of luck to you!

 

[wdwfan16]

As some of you know from a previous thread, our 34-year-old DS is currently living with us until he can get a job (he started a new one today, as a matter of fact!!!) and get back on his feet, his own place, etc.

DH and I have some vacation property up north and we were there over the weekend. When we got home late Monday afternoon his new girlfriend was here. We had never met her. We found out she spent the night here with him. We didn't much care for that, and told him so. I told him I didn't care that he's 34 years old, this is our house and if he doesn't like the rules he could find another place to live. We were all upset, he stormed out, etc. etc.

Are we being unreasonable to not want him having girls sleep over?

When DH and I were dating we never would have done that in my parents' home. I felt it would have been disrespectful to them. I guess DS doesn't feel that way. He even said he didn't think it would be an issue, so it didn't occur to him to ask before he had her over.

I asked him if it were reversed, would he have stayed overnight with her at her parents' home, without their knowledge or permission and he said yes and that it wouldn't have bothered them. Not sure he knows that for a fact, but whatever.

I know the world is different now than it was when DH and I were dating, but it bothers me that he would so non-chalantly have her here overnight, when we had never even met her before.

And it bothered me that the house wasn't clean enough. I didn't do a lot of cleaning before we left (on Friday) because DS was having his kids here for the weekend so I knew if I cleaned it would just get messed up anyway, so I thought I would just wait until we got home. He took his kids home Sunday late afternoon, then brought her over. So I was kind of embarrassed that things weren't clean too!

So, what do you think? Am I too prudish in not wanting his girlfriend to sleep over?

It is time your DS grew up. He goes through jobs and women like toilet paper. He is a father and needs to make them a priority. Time to kick the full grown bird out of the house and let him learn to fend for himself.

 

[wvjules]

I agree. I can't believe all the people who think he had no idea how the OP felt. What kind of idiot do they think he is?

Though I do have to say he's obviously clueless enough to still have her there when mom came home. It does make one wonder about his brain, either he's clueless (which I doubt,) he's very bad at acting like a naughty child, or he's thumbing his nose at her. Not the kind of behavior from someone who is grateful his parents are helping him out IMO.

Or he didn't realize it would be a problem so he didn't shoo her out to try to hide her from Mom.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Or he didn't realize it would be a problem so he didn't shoo her out to try to hide her from Mom.

Which is what he said was the case (never occurred to him they would mind thus he did not ask) and I can totally see that as reasonable. I still say exactly what I said in my first post:

It is fine to have the your house your rules car and to play it. HOWEVER it is totally and completely out of line to expect someone to guess what the rules are. You have to tell them. Since OP did not tell him he could not do this (legal and normal adult thing) OP has no right to be angry at him for "breaking a rule."

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

It is time your DS grew up. He goes through jobs and women like toilet paper. He is a father and needs to make them a priority. Time to kick the full grown bird out of the house and let him learn to fend for himself.

Oh, dear.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

Seriously, if Daddy set a bed time you would abide by it? I understand, somewhat, the my house my rules mantra but that is going overboard, IMO.

In bed doesn't necessarily mean lights out. I would probably sit and read until going to sleep. But usually, when someone sets a rule for and adult to be "in bed", it's usually just because that's their bedtime and they want it relatively quiet. In other words, they really don't want you coming in at all hours of the night, playing music or tv really loud, etc. They don't want to be disturbed.

And I haven't used the word daddy in quite a few years. That's for children, not adults.

 

[NHdisneylover]

And I haven't used the word daddy in quite a few years. That's for children, not adults.

I still call my dad daddy when I am speaking to him. I never saw the point in changing his name Does this make me a child?

edited to add: I get that you were responding to a slightly condescending post, but it could have maybe been done differently; either way it was funny to think that just what I call my father makes me somehow a child.

 

[wvjules]

I still call my dad daddy when I am speaking to him. I never saw the point in changing his name Does this make me a child?

 

[NHdisneylover]

Oh if only it were that easy

Edited to add that if this is true thread can be easily resolved:

OP--if yous son still calls you Mommy and you DH Daddy then he is a child and should expect to have all childhood rules in place.
If he calls you mom and dad or something else more grown up then he is an adult and should expect normal adult behaviour to be acceptable.

 

[NMAmy]

And I haven't used the word daddy in quite a few years. That's for children, not adults.

I called my father Daddy until the day he died (about 5 years ago.) I still call my mother Mommy occasionally--she's 78 and I'm 47. My parents haven't given me a bedtime or told who I could or could not sleep with in 30 years. I think I'm fairly adult despite calling them by those names.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

I still call my dad daddy when I am speaking to him. I never saw the point in changing his name Does this make me a child?

edited to add: I get that you were responding to a slightly condescending post, but it could have maybe been done differently; either way it was funny to think that just what I call my father makes me somehow a child.

Well, you're his child.

Sorry, I always equated the word with children because that's the way I was raised. But whatever you call your dad is between you and him. If you and him are fine with it, it's really no one's business.

 

[wdwfan16]

I am confused. Back on 5/16 he had a job. What happened to that job? He has a girlfriend then who was 22. Is this a new one again?

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2458010

This is a vent, but since I'm putting this out here for everyone to read I know I'm bound to get all kinds of opinions. I've hesitated to speak about what's on my mind but last night was "the last straw." I'm giving you fair warning as this will probably be a long post.

Our DS is 34 years old. He has been out on his own (as in with his own house or apartment, and either a wife or live-in girlfriend) since he was 18. He had a good paying job (he was a salaried employee, a production manager at an auto parts manufacturing company) for about 10 years but got to where he hated it more and more each day so he put his resume out to find something better. Better pay, better insurance, so he took the job. He was there 5 months then Michigan's economy took a huge nosedive when the rest of the country's economy tanked as well. They downsized and he was let go.

He decided to go to truck driving school, and was hired by a trucking company soon after to drive over-the-road, long distance, for them. He liked the job, but hated being away from his family (he has 3 children) for long periods of time. Then over the winter freight slowed down so he wasn't making much, if any, money. He was leasing his own truck so sometimes he even had a negative paycheck. Can't pay bills that way. So he gave it up and came back to Michigan to work at a local grain elevator (he worked there last summer as well). He had given up his house (renting) when he took the trucking job, so we let him move back in here with us until he can make enough $$ to get his own place again.

Big mistake.

He is also using my vehicle until he can get one of his own.

Big mistake.

But how do you say no to your own kid? We want to help him get back on his feet, but he's sucking us dry.

He works 10-14 hour days, 6 days a week. He has a new girlfriend and he's so enthralled with her that he's making poor decisions. We try to keep our mouths shut, but I'm afraid we're going to have to talk to him about some of the decisions he's making. And we're going to have to set some rules, and some he probably won't like but we're going to tell him "as long as you're sleeping under our roof..."

He hit a deer, or rather the deer hit my car, about a week ago on his way home from work. We didn't think it did that much damage, but the estimate came in at $1100 so more than we thought. We have a $100 deductible so that's all we have to pay and of course he doesn't have the money since he is saving for a vehicle/apartment so it comes out of our pocket.

But like I said the "last straw" was last night. Sometimes I sleep on the couch in the family room because I'm watching TV and too lazy to get up and go to bed...so last night at 2:00 in the morning I wake up with a start and sit right up because someone is walking around near the couch! It was our son, said he was sorry to wake me...

His girlfriend (she is 22, he is 34...we kinda have a problem with THAT too) called him because she was at her best friend's and had drank too much alcohol to drive herself home. He had told her if that happened to call him and he would come and take her home. I told him I didn't want her throwing up in my car, and he said he would take her home in her own car and just leave mine at her friend's. So, how did he get to work this morning at 7:00? Did he drive her car? I'm sure she was in no shape to get up and drive him to her friend's to get my car at 6:00 in the morning, so my car sits in some girl's driveway now. And how is he getting home from work? She's a nurse and has to be at work at 3:00, he won't get out of work until 6:00 or later this evening.

We (my DH and I) are just so TIRED of it. We're going to have to sit down with him and talk, I know. I hate to, but we're TIRED of all the DRAMA. Like I said, he's sucking us dry, causing our hair to go gray, raising our blood pressure, etc. I'm going to tell him he can use my car to get back and forth to work, and for anything related to his children, but for everything else he will have to find another way. He is paying for his own gas, but still putting miles and wear and tear on my car, which is 11 yeas old and has 145,000 miles on it so it's rapidly wearing out.

We have property up north that we like to go to in the summer. We have not gone up there to stay because we're concerned about what will go on in our house when we're not here. We do not want his girlfriend, her kids and her dog to stay here. We do not want him to have his friends over for card/beer drinking parties. We feel like we can't get away, we have to stay home and babysit....a 34 year old grown man.

Like I said, I'm starting to understand why birds kick their babies out of the nest, and why animals push their young out on their own. We love our son, and want to help him get back on his feet, but enough is enough.

Thanks for listening.

Same story just two months later. You need to stop being a doormat.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

This gets stranger and stranger... the guy's 34 and you have an issue with the AGE of his girlfriend?

 

[shortbun]

WOW, just unbelievable!!!
She did not FORCE him to do anything...
I doubt anybody had a gun to their head.
He is a 34 year old man. He is making his own decisions.

And, no, an adult is NOT 'entitled' to a 'life', in somebody elses home, at their expense.

IMHO, he would now be 'entitled' go secure another place to live ASAP!!!!

The point is that he IS a 34 year old man who should be making his own decisions. He respected his parents enough to wait until they were gone to have his friend over for a sleepover. They have invited him to stay with them, therefore it is his home. If I were him, I'd be out of there as fast as possible and I'm guessing that's his plan if not before but certainly after this issue. His having a 'life' is certainly not at their expense but only that their expectations have become their disappointments and THAT my friends is about them, not about him.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I think this thread has turned into a tempest in a teapot with several people ganging up, taking a sentence or two out of the OP's posts and bashing her over the head with them ad nauseum. Why? Nothing better to do?

Thank you for finding and posting an old excerpt from a previous post the OP made. I can see now that this whole thing has turned into some bone y'all have been gnawing on for awhile and want to continue gnawing on because you've got some gripe against the OP.

Too much drama for me. I'm backing away. Carry on.

 

[disykat]

LOL! An issue with me? I am quoting the OP who you think you are speaking for. Nothing to do with me. You whined for hours about how the son violated the OP's moral code and beliefs, suddenly, she said if he paid it wasn't an issue. Either her beliefs are not yours, or hers can be bought. Simple.

I don't believe it is compromising my morals to believe a person who is a renter has more decision making rights than a person who is living in a home that is solely your own. I had roommates for years and, although we usually made "house rules," I didn't feel I had any right to suppose my moral beliefs on them. If I had a problem, I found a different roommate. In my own home, I get to make the rules.

Or he didn't realize it would be a problem so he didn't shoo her out to try to hide her from Mom.

You keep saying this. I can't for the life of me see how anyone could think any child knows so little about his parents - especially at 34. Claiming "I had no idea" sounds like something a misguided teen might do. My teens certainly know better than to pull that one.

 

[MIGrandma]

Thank you for finding and posting an old excerpt from a previous post the OP made. I can see now that this whole thing has turned into some bone y'all have been gnawing on for awhile and want to continue gnawing on because you've got some gripe against the OP.

Too much drama for me. I'm backing away. Carry on.

Carly, you and I don't always agree on things here but on this I sure do agree with you.

Again, I thank those who gave me their opinions. And like I said before, even the ones that didn't agree with me I did appreciate your opinions. A few got a bit over-the-top and bordering on nasty but I did expect that from some so shouldn't be surprised. I know it's easy for some to say things on a message board, to a stranger they've never met, that they would never say to their face in person. I can shrug that off.

For those who said they would "never" have allowed their adult child to move back home, you can say that now while your kids are little/teens but you really do not know what you would do in the situation we are in. Haven't you ever heard the phrase, "never say never?"

And for the PP who dug up the old thread, yes my son did have a job in the spring. He was pretty much promised to be kept on at the end of the season, and had he not been told that he probably would not have quit the trucking job even though he wasn't making any money from it. But when they told him they wanted him back (it's a farm service place, spreading fertilizer, spraying fields for pests, etc.) after he had done the seasonal work for them last year he thought it would work out. But in a month's time (we had a very rainy spring) he worked a week and a half. You can't earn a living working such few hours like that, so he had to start looking for something else. Hopefully the new job he started yesterday will work out and he can quickly work up the ladder to a management position like he used to have.

Again, thanks for the honest and kind replies, all of them no matter if they agreed with me or not. I'm tired of this bickering going back and forth, so like Carly I'm backing out. You can keep bickering amongst yourselves if you want to though.

 

[RitaE]

I don't believe it is compromising my morals to believe a person who is a renter has more decision making rights than a person who is living in a home that is solely your own. I had roommates for years and, although we usually made "house rules," I didn't feel I had any right to suppose my moral beliefs on them. If I had a problem, I found a different roommate. In my own home, I get to make the rules.



You keep saying this. I can't for the life of me see how anyone could think any child knows so little about his parents - especially at 34. Claiming "I had no idea" sounds like something a misguided teen might do. My teens certainly know better than to pull that one.

Probably because the OP herself stated that she might have been okay with the overnight guest if she had met the woman first, or if he were paying rent, or maybe if her house was cleaner at the time ... etc etc etc

Given all that it really doesn't seem all that outlandish to me that a 34 year old man would assume his actions were acceptable. Maybe I just look at it differently but most adults I know think that they don't need a group consultation over what goes on in their personal bedrooms. And I while I also understand the "her house" mentality, at the same time I do believe that if you are going to invite a 34 year old to live with you, it is a given that they do have some rights over their own personal space.

I think having adult children move back into their parent's houses is a difficult situation at best. I struggle with my college son home for the summer and he's much closer to being a kid than this. He's used to be independent and assumes one way, I'm used to being a Mom and I assume something completely different.

 

[Colleen27]

Your house, your rules, but I do think you should clarify those rules with your son and give some thought to how you see/treat him. Your comment about having girls stay over sounds like something a person would say to their teenager, not to a 30-something man.

Personally I wouldn't have a problem with my adult child having a significant other sleep over but I would absolutely expect to meet that person first. For me it wouldn't be an issue of morality so much as one of common courtesy - I wouldn't want my child (or spouse, or anyone else) inviting someone who is a total stranger to stay in my home.

 

[Colleen27]

I guess I just don't see what is so "odd" about trying to help him get back on his feet. He doesn't pay any rent, utilities, or pay for groceries. He is living here completely free. Now if he WERE paying rent, etc. then having the girlfriend over probably would not have been an issue. But anyway, hopefully this new job will work out and he will be able to get his own place again soon.

I don't see anything odd about it. Its a tough time to be a man trying to find a job in Michigan right now, and I think it is great that he's able to stay with you and thus remain a regular part of his kids' lives. So many people are having to leave the state to find work these days, and in too many cases that means long-distance dads who don't get to enjoy things like weekends with their kids.

Good luck hammering out some house rules and agreements you can all live with. It has got to be tough having an adult child home, particularly after so many years, but that's what family is for.