So, Do You Think I'm a Prude/Being Unreasonable?

[LiberalPrincess]

Not sure why this thread is still going on. The OP said, "Now if he WERE paying rent, etc. then having the girlfriend over probably would not have been an issue." So, it is obviously not about sex, not even about random people in her house -- it is about control. Otherwise, why would paying rent make a difference? Doesn't change any other factor.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

Not sure why this thread is still going on. The OP said, "Now if he WERE paying rent, etc. then having the girlfriend over probably would not have been an issue." So, it is obviously not about sex, not even about random people in her house -- it is about control. Otherwise, why would paying rent make a difference? Doesn't change any other factor.

 

[DisneyFreak06]

I'm 34 years old. I would not even think about having someone "sleep over" at my parents. In fact, my brother and his now wife had a child and owned a house together and when they came over to my parents, they had separate rooms, even up to the night before the wedding. Another brother, same thing, live together in Alberta, have a child, and are engaged. When they come home next month, 2 bedrooms. We consider it respect for our parents.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

I'm 34 years old. I would not even think about having someone "sleep over" at my parents. In fact, my brother and his now wife had a child and owned a house together and when they came over to my parents, they had separate rooms, even up to the night before the wedding. Another brother, same thing, live together in Alberta, have a child, and are engaged. When they come home next month, 2 bedrooms. We consider it respect for our parents.

I still don't see how sleeping in two rooms while you are at your parents' house makes it any better, since you are obviously sleeping together anyway, but this is all besides the point. The OP said what the son did would have been fine if he had paid her rent.

 

[Luvchefmic]

I bolded the part of the post that made me go so then the title of your thread doesn't make sense to me...asking if we thought you were being a prude....see now that you said what you did it has NOTHING to do with morals..its coming across as he/she who has the money has the control...IMHO you need to make up your mind exactly what goes on in your home & then sit down with DS and make the agreement...good luck to you all

Not sure why this thread is still going on. The OP said, "Now if he WERE paying rent, etc. then having the girlfriend over probably would not have been an issue." So, it is obviously not about sex, not even about random people in her house -- it is about control. Otherwise, why would paying rent make a difference? Doesn't change any other factor.

You and I said practically the same exact things (although pages apart...and maybe even other pps said the same) ....

 

[DisneyFreak06]

I still don't see how sleeping in two rooms while you are at your parents' house makes it any better, since you are obviously sleeping together anyway, but this is all besides the point. The OP said what the son did would have been fine if he had paid her rent.

I missed the point with the paying rent, and I haven't read all the posts, sorry. I don't see how that makes any difference if it's about respecting their beliefs, which is the case at our house. Our parents believe that making love is something sacred and special between spouses, which I totally agree with. That doesn't sound like the case with the OP if it were different if he were paying rent.

 

[I loveStitchnippyjon]

DD is 31 years old and is co-habitating with her boyfriend. Even so, when they visit DH makes them stay in separate rooms! He says he doesn't care what they do at home, but here they need two rooms.

 

[jmpurdy]

OP, some other posters have kindly said it....this really is about your control of the situation and possibly him in general. I do kindly think you are co-dependant too as another poster said. If you did not tell him the rules ahead of time, he couldn't possibly know what they are. Cardinal rule: never assume. You said yourself that if you had met her a few times it might have been better. It is now about you and not him. By being involved in his everyday life like this, the boundaries are terribly blurred. It is very difficult to give him all of the freedoms that you have with your home/vehicle, etc, but then show your disapproval because you haven't met her = control. You can't control these choices and you'll be so much happier if you let him go, even if he struggles. Of course you can have rules and should, but your mistake appears to be that you didn't have a sit down with all members of the family living in the home to understand and agree to the rules. If he can't agree, he can leave and you should encourage him to. If he struggles, he will be stronger for it. Best of luck OP.

 

[bellebud]

I'm surprised he wasn't embarrassed to bring her home to his mom's house in the first place.

 

[disykat]

I'm surprised he wasn't embarrassed to bring her home to his mom's house in the first place.

I agree. I can't believe all the people who think he had no idea how the OP felt. What kind of idiot do they think he is?

Though I do have to say he's obviously clueless enough to still have her there when mom came home. It does make one wonder about his brain, either he's clueless (which I doubt,) he's very bad at acting like a naughty child, or he's thumbing his nose at her. Not the kind of behavior from someone who is grateful his parents are helping him out IMO.

 

[AristocatFan]

I haven't read all the posts, so maybe this has been answered, but did the girlfriend know he lives with his parents? He may have passed the place off as his own. And I agree with the others, what does rent have to do with it?

 

[JerseyJanice]

I'm trying to see this from the young man's perspective. He is down on his luck and probably has to give almost every dime he earns for child support--and that's if he's earning anything at all. He met a young lady he is interested in socializing with, but dates are expensive--movies, dinners, concerts, etc. He probably doesn't have much to spend on his social life.

So he has the house to himself and decides to invite the young lady over for dinner and maybe movies on TV. We don't know anything about her life, but she is likely sympathetic to his situation, or he wouldn't have stayed with her in the house until the OP came home in the afternoon. This tells me he feels he did nothing to be ashamed of--he'd have cleared her out of there much earlier if that were the case.

OP, you said that it's good he didn't subject his children to whatever. I can't believe that he would. Perhaps he waited until the children weren't there because he doesn't want her to meet the kids just yet. I'm pretty sure that if I were divorced and dating, I wouldn't want all my dates to meet my young children immediately.

Moreover, when I did introduce them, I wouldn't be doing the nasty in the next room where my kids could see and hear me. Heck, I've been married to my son's father for 15 years, and we are discreet about our quality time. DS does not need to see or hear any details about it, nor do I want to know anything when my son is old enough to have an intimate relationship. The only thing I'd like to know is that he is not doing anything risky; that's it. IMO, you shouldn't worry about being a prude or whether he's behaving inappropriately around his kids--just stop sending your mind in that direction.

Honestly, I think it's wonderful of you to help him out by letting him stay with you. I feel strongly that my home should always be open to my flesh-and-blood, especially my son, if they need it. Just realize there is such a thing as TMI between you, and you'll all better off.

 

[shortbun]

Do what you want but I think your son was ok having her over when you were not home. He IS 34!! I'd drop it and maybe even say I was sorry for overeacting. You are doing him a favor, he's 34, it's not like you are still parenting him. He didn't do it when you were home... I'm pretty traditional when it comes to this kind of stuff. I think you made too much of it and treated him like a child. I feel he respected you by waiting until you were gone.

 

[shortbun]

I'm 34 years old. I would not even think about having someone "sleep over" at my parents. In fact, my brother and his now wife had a child and owned a house together and when they came over to my parents, they had separate rooms, even up to the night before the wedding. Another brother, same thing, live together in Alberta, have a child, and are engaged. When they come home next month, 2 bedrooms. We consider it respect for our parents.

I agree IF you are sleeping there when they are there. But, if the parents are not at home and you have a date...no need to get a hotel room. I think the guy overestimated the 'kewl' of his parents but they should simply take the opportunity to ask him to get a hotel room rather than have relations in their home. I don't see the big deal...not like they did it in the parents bed...now THAT would have been despicable.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

I agree. I can't believe all the people who think he had no idea how the OP felt. What kind of idiot do they think he is?

Though I do have to say he's obviously clueless enough to still have her there when mom came home. It does make one wonder about his brain, either he's clueless (which I doubt,) he's very bad at acting like a naughty child, or he's thumbing his nose at her. Not the kind of behavior from someone who is grateful his parents are helping him out IMO.

Did you miss the OP's statement? "Now if he WERE paying rent, etc. then having the girlfriend over probably would not have been an issue."

Obviously, someone is clueless, and it isn't the 34 year old, it is the posters making nasty comments. Never about the sex. Never about the woman. Just the money.

 

[disykat]

Did you miss the OP's statement? "Now if he WERE paying rent, etc. then having the girlfriend over probably would not have been an issue."

Obviously, someone is clueless, and it isn't the 34 year old, it is the posters making nasty comments. Never about the sex. Never about the woman. Just the money.

I don't know why the money is such a big issue for you. The OP was acknowledging that someone who pays rent has a little more "say" about what goes on in a household and it might change the rules. It's moot in this case because he does not pay rent.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

I don't know why the money is such a big issue for you. The OP was acknowledging that someone who pays rent has a little more "say" about what goes on in a household and it might change the rules. It's moot in this case because he does not pay rent.

LOL! An issue with me? I am quoting the OP who you think you are speaking for. Nothing to do with me. You whined for hours about how the son violated the OP's moral code and beliefs, suddenly, she said if he paid it wasn't an issue. Either her beliefs are not yours, or hers can be bought. Simple.

 

[Scurvy]

OP, some other posters have kindly said it....this really is about your control of the situation and possibly him in general. I do kindly think you are co-dependant too as another poster said. If you did not tell him the rules ahead of time, he couldn't possibly know what they are. Cardinal rule: never assume. You said yourself that if you had met her a few times it might have been better. It is now about you and not him. By being involved in his everyday life like this, the boundaries are terribly blurred. It is very difficult to give him all of the freedoms that you have with your home/vehicle, etc, but then show your disapproval because you haven't met her = control. You can't control these choices and you'll be so much happier if you let him go, even if he struggles. Of course you can have rules and should, but your mistake appears to be that you didn't have a sit down with all members of the family living in the home to understand and agree to the rules. If he can't agree, he can leave and you should encourage him to. If he struggles, he will be stronger for it. Best of luck OP.

I agree that this seems to be about control, but I disagree that it's about the OP controlling her son. I'm not sure it is about that - to be it seems more like she wants control over who is sleeping in her house, which seems reasonable to me. I wouldn't want random strangers sleeping in my house either. If she's wanting control over who her son is sleeping with, that's not so reasonable. I do agree 100% with the bolded. Regardless of the motivations behind the rules, it's important at this point that the whole household is aware of them and the OP's son either agrees to abide by them or he moves out.

 

[Luvchefmic]

LOL! An issue with me? I am quoting the OP who you think you are speaking for. Nothing to do with me. You whined for hours about how the son violated the OP's moral code and beliefs, suddenly, she said if he paid it wasn't an issue. Either her beliefs are not yours, or hers can be bought. Simple.

AAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK !!!!!!

You and I have stated that over & over again on this thread...I am reaching out to you...take a breath, grab my hand and let's jump off this thread for good, you are either going to have a heart attack or a stroke...c'mon ready...lets go....( don't look back )

 

[bicker]

Did you miss the OP's statement? "Now if he WERE paying rent, etc. then having the girlfriend over probably would not have been an issue." Obviously, someone is clueless, and it isn't the 34 year old, it is the posters making nasty comments. Never about the sex. Never about the woman. Just the money.

Indeed: Someone shouldn't have to pay their parents for the privilege of being treated as well as they'd treat a stranger.