So, Do You Think I'm a Prude/Being Unreasonable?

[fenrir58]

If the OP's problem had nothing to do with sex, it's even less understandable.

And OT, how can you have a fiancé if you've never had relations?

People have reasons for saving sex until marriage. My rules fit me and him. I'm a type 1 diabetic, I don't know the risks of pregnancy or birth control going with the diabetes, when I'm ready for sex, then I can ask a doctor. I'm not ready, and I found a guy who's willing to wait. our relationship is strong without it.

 

[frndshpcptn]

I'm 32 years old and have my own primary residence where I live and am free to do whatever I would like there.

That said - when I visit at my parent's house (which I still consider one of my "homes"), I abide by thier rules.

Which includes no sharing a bed with someone unless there is a ring on my finger. That included my ex of 7 years (we dated from 24-31, and lived together for 2 years).

And I am totally fine with it. 100% fine. It made them uncomfortable to have us share a bed in thier house, so we didn't. I don't think they were unreasonable. It's thier viewpoint and I totally respected it, as I respect them.

OP - if it makes you uncomfortable for him to have female overnight guests, make it clear and then let him know you expect him to respect your wishes in your home.

 

[disykat]

And OT, how can you have a fiancé if you've never had relations?

As I said before, are people really so close minded that they can't understand there are people who make different choices than they do?

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

As I said before, are people really so close minded that they can't understand there are people who make different choices than they do?

Of course not. I'm honestly interested how you would know you were compatible enough with someone to be married to them.

 

[Scurvy]

I'm out of that house for over 20 years but, it's definatley still my house. I feel that way as do my siblings and parents.

The bolded is what's important here. That's what works for your family, and that's great. It doesn't work for every family. Not all parents feel that their adult child should have an equal say in the running of the household. My parents always made it clear that their house is still my home whenever I want to be there, and I appreciate it. That doesn't mean I actually feel I should get an equal vote with them about the household rules. I still wouldn't bring a random person they haven't even met to spend the night there. That's what works for us. My husband's parents expect that he will call before coming over and that he will check with them before planning on spending the night. That's what works for them. Obviously what works for your family doesn't work for everyone, and it doesn't work for the OP.

I want my son to always feel that he is welcome in our home whenever he wants to be here, even after he moves out, because he will always be a part of our family. However, that doesn't mean I'm giving him license to bring guests over whenever he wants after he moves out. I would expect him to clear that with us first. Of course, once he's married then his wife will also be welcome to join him, because she will be his family as well, and I hope she will also feel like a part of our family. But some random person he has met and we don't even know? I don't want them sleeping in my home without my permission. The welcome I extend to a family member or even a friend does not automatically extend to the other people they know.

And OT, how can you have a fiancé if you've never had relations?

You do know that a "fiance" is someone you're engaged to marry, right? It actually has nothing to do with whether you've had relations or not.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

What he heck????
Where are you getting that.
Nope, not what I said, or meant, at all.

I never said he was a child....
I said, several times, HE IS A 34 YEAR OLD ADULT....
(there, does the bolding help any)
Therefore should be conducting himself and taking responsibility for himself as an adult... not acting like a 'teenager' and sneaking a girl into his room in his mama's home while she is away.
Nobody can convince me that he truly thinks that it is Okay and that he is 'entitled' to sleep with random woman in the OP's home....
He did, after all, wait until she was gone, and has never seemed to have discussed this possible situation. It is 110% clear that he must have know that his mom would at least be a little uncomfortable.

IMHO, (and, I am entitled to my opinion) a 34 year old adult who has not found a way to become financially solvent, keep a roof over their head, even drives mama's car, etc... is simply NOT conducting themself like a mature, capable, adult.

OP, I am sorry if you don't understand why you think the relationship is odd. But, I continue to believe that if any 34 year old, male or female, whatever, lives at mama's, for free, drives her car, etc... That it is a bit 'off', and possible a codependent situation.

You do not have to be disrespectful and yell at people here.
I also guess, according to your opinion, that I am not a mature, capable, adult.

You have no idea what a person's circumstances are and what goes on in another person's life. Do not make assumptions on things you really know nothing about.

 

[C.Ann]

Well I can tell you without a doubt - sex or no sex - regardless of age - this would never fly with DD's IL's..

It seems that some think that because the DS is 34 yrs. old, he shouldn't have to ask permission.. I would think that at 34 yrs. old, he would know enough to "ask" permission before having overnight visitors in his parents home while they are away.. I think it's a matter of respect - plain and simple..

 

[JessicaR]

The bolded is what's important here. That's what works for your family, and that's great. It doesn't work for every family.

Of course not but I never said it did. I just found the statement ODD - its a seperate thought and it didnt relate to the OP at all. Mary Ann made a comment that struck me as odd - thats all.

 

[Scurvy]

Of course not but I never said it did. I just found the statement ODD - its a seperate thought and it didnt relate to the OP at all. Mary Ann made a comment that struck me as odd - thats all.

Sorry - I thought you were still referring to the situation in the OP. I guess everyone's posts are blurring together! Maybe I've been reading the thread too long.

 

[JessicaR]

Sorry - I thought you were still referring to the situation in the OP. I guess everyone's posts are blurring together! Maybe I've been reading the thread too long.

Not a problem.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

If the OP's problem had nothing to do with sex, it's even less understandable.

And OT, how can you have a fiancé if you've never had relations?

Oh good grief! There are lots of people who get married to someone, have lasting, loving marriages without ever having sex before getting married.

Now I can't really understand actually sleeping together and not having sex before marriage. Seems too much of a temptation to me. At least if you're sexually attracted to this person. But, then again, it's not me, and that's what's important. What works for one person may not work for another.

Of course not. I'm honestly interested how you would know you were compatible enough with someone to be married to them.

While sex is a big part of marriage, it's not the only thing. If all you have is sexual compatibility with someone, then that marriage is likely to fail. You do need to be otherwise compatible with your SO.

I guess several of my cousins, aunts, uncles and other people I know were compatible enough when they didn't have sex before marriage. I had an aunt who met and married her husband in under 2 months. They were married for more than 50 years without having sex before marriage. One of my cousins had already had 6 children with her husband. There certainly was no sex before the wedding. Somehow, I think they're compatible.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

Oh good grief! There are lots of people who get married to someone, have lasting, loving marriages without ever having sex before getting married.

Now I can't really understand actually sleeping together and not having sex before marriage. Seems too much of a temptation to me. At least if you're sexually attracted to this person. But, then again, it's not me, and that's what's important. What works for one person may not work for another.




While sex is a big part of marriage, it's not the only thing. If all you have is sexual compatibility with someone, then that marriage is likely to fail. You do need to be otherwise compatible with your SO.

I guess several of my cousins, aunts, uncles and other people I know were compatible enough when they didn't have sex before marriage. I had an aunt who met and married her husband in under 2 months. They were married for more than 50 years without having sex before marriage. One of my cousins had already had 6 children with her husband. There certainly was no sex before the wedding. Somehow, I think they're compatible.

Well, I'm dubious of a lot of claims of "we only slept in the bed together" anyhow.

 

[fenrir58]

Well, I'm dubious of a lot of claims of "we only slept in the bed together" anyhow.

Sorry I even posted in the first place. I didn't think it would go here, I was actually just trying to make the point I felt like it was more the stranger and disrespect thing then another issue.

 

[HunnyPots]

OP, it really makes no difference if you are a "prude" or not. The only thing that matters here is that it is your house and you have every right to lay down whatever rules you want - regardless of your son's age. Stick to your guns!

 

[java]

Well I am not a prude and I would have been upset. It's your home. He is living there under the goodness of your own heart.

Look at it as an opportunity to set up ground rules.

If he wants to live the bachelor life- tell him to get his own place.
I am surprised a girl wanted to go home with a guy that at 34 is living with his parents.

As for being upset about your house not being company ready sadly I get that all too well. I think I'd be more upset about that actually.

OP It has nothing to do with being a prude. It has everything to do with being respectful. I would explain that there are to be no overnight guests. If he wants to act that way move out. Your house your rules.

I had a similar argument with my mom but I was 20 at the time. I moved out.

 

[ZachnElli]

I'm with the OP'r. Your house, your rules I don't care the age or how many kids he has. My brother lived with us when he and his wife seperated and then divorced. He started dating and did have sleepovers, but NOT at my house! It never came up because he knew that would never fly with me or my dh! He didn't ask me if he could sleep at his girlfriend's, he was 36 years old, his business not mine. I didn't care. But not in MY HOME.

 

[Bob NC]

Are we being unreasonable to not want him having girls sleep over?

So I was kind of embarrassed that things weren't clean too!

You are mad he brought a girl to sleep over.

You are mad you didn't clean up the house for when the girl came to sleep over.

IMHO you are going to be mad at something as long as the boy/adult is living at home.

 

[wvjules]

There's a difference. Home can mean many different things. A house is a thing someone owns.
It's not your house unless you can either sell it or break the lease. if your name isn't on the paperwork, then it's not your home. The only exceptions to this is a person who's married to the owner and underage children.

Home is where the heart is which has no rules. A house is goverened by rules.

I live with my dad. The house we live in is my home. But, it is my dad's house. Therefore, he can make all the rules he wants. If he wants me to be in bed by midnight, then he can make that rule. If he doesn't want me to bring people he doesn't know into the house while he's gone, he can make that rule. If he doesn't want me to have overnight guests for what ever reason, he can make that rule.
It doesn't matter if I pay him rent or not, but as an adult, it is my choice to either follow his rules, or find a new place to live.

Just like if you lived in an apartment. You sign a lease. You have to follow the rules set out in that lease.

Seriously, if Daddy set a bed time you would abide by it? I understand, somewhat, the my house my rules mantra but that is going overboard, IMO.

 

[SaraJayne]

What he heck????
Where are you getting that.
Nope, not what I said, or meant, at all.

I never said he was a child....
I said, several times, HE IS A 34 YEAR OLD ADULT....
(there, does the bolding help any)
Therefore should be conducting himself and taking responsibility for himself as an adult... not acting like a 'teenager' and sneaking a girl into his room in his mama's home while she is away.
Nobody can convince me that he truly thinks that it is Okay and that he is 'entitled' to sleep with random woman in the OP's home....
He did, after all, wait until she was gone, and has never seemed to have discussed this possible situation. It is 110% clear that he must have know that his mom would at least be a little uncomfortable.

IMHO, (and, I am entitled to my opinion) a 34 year old adult who has not found a way to become financially solvent, keep a roof over their head, even drives mama's car, etc... is simply NOT conducting themself like a mature, capable, adult.

Yup, and ya gotta wonder about a female that finds this even remotely attractive or desirable.

You want to live in mama's house (even as a grown man ) you live by mama's rules.

Don't like it? Find your own place.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Haven't read all the responses, but while I agree with the "your house, your rules" thing... I guess I don't understand what the point of the rule is.

If this was a 16-yr-old I could understand saying that you didn't want him having sex. But, I hate to tell you this... he's going to have sex. It's not like at this stage of his life you can influence that decision.

If you're trying to help him get back on his feet, that's great. But why attach strings? He's not staying there so you can continue to parent him.