So, Do You Think I'm a Prude/Being Unreasonable?

[wvjules]

You are not unreasonable and he was totally disrespectful. He knew darn well you wouldn't want a girl sleeping there and thumbed his nose at all the support you've been giving him by having her do so.
I would expect ANYONE living in my home to be respectful of my beliefs. How old they are has nothing to do with it. Unless he's paid half the mortgage, the idea that this is his house too and he can do whatever he wants is ridiculous.

Did he know though?

 

[MagicalMawMaw]

Are you being reasonable?
Yes, you are!
In your own home you make the rules.
Kiddos, no matter their age abide by the home rules or find another place to stay.
I love my kiddos to pieces but we've got a moral code we live by.
Others may not agree with this moral code but it's not their home either.
Your Home is your Castle & your place of peace & rest & it just keeps it that way when the rules are followed.
I've never sat my kids down & said that is a no-no here & made it a rule. However, they all know what we believe in & what we stand for & how hurtful that would be to us.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I agree with the OP. He should have asked or not have her over. It was disrespectful of him.

She's doing him a favor as he gets back on his feet and he shouldn't assume anything. (And I'd be bothered, too, if I were not given the chance to meet her first OR clean the house for company.) It doesn't matter if he is 20 or 30 or 40 years old.

 

[RitaE]

Its hard for me to have much of an opinion also.

Your house, your rules I guess but personally I just can't imagine having to negotiate with a 34year old man when, where, and with who he's allowed to have sex. That's hard enough when they're in High School. I mean, he's been married and has a child - right? I mean, tell me he's doing drugs or running some sort of illegal dvd copying business out of your living room and I'd be all on your side. But this? He's just an adult man doing what adult men do. It's like asking a cat not to meow.

I guess you are just going to have to negotiate with him over it if it really bothers you but if it were me I'd insist on discretion because there are some things that Mom just shouldn't have to think about .... and realize that he isn't a kid.

You agreed to share your house with him when you let him move back in, so I think that it will be much easier on everybody there if there is give and take and respect on all sides.

 

[luvmy3]

WOW....
First, that is not exactly the OP's position.
This is the OP's home, and she has yet to even meet this woman.

And, I could never, ever, imagine a 34 year old adult that feels they have the right to live, and bring anybody they want, into my home.

This is simply not a 'room-mate' situation.
This is a temporary situation with a grown man living in somebody's home for free.

If neither he, nor his girlfriend, currently even have their own roof over their head at that age...

Wow, did you see that I was not speaking directly to the OP, but to a pp who said the OP should tell her ds he isn't allowed to have overnight guests.

FTR, my opinion is this, since the OP is here looking for them, this is also his home, he is an adult and lives there, and I can't imagine that if my children needed my home to get back on their feet that I'd suddenly revert to the "my house, my rules" that was in place when they were small children. This is my home, and it will always be my childrens home and as they grow the rules for our home will change, especially when they are at the 34. So, I could never imagine telling my 34 year old ds or dd that they werent allowed to overnight guests.

 

[Carly_Roach]

This is the OP's home, and she has yet to even meet this woman.

And, I could never, ever, imagine a 34 year old adult that feels they have the right to live, and bring anybody they want, into my home.

This is simply not a 'room-mate' situation.
This is a temporary situation with a grown man living in somebody's home for free.

If neither he, nor his girlfriend, currently even have their own roof over their head at that age...

This is pretty much my position on this issue as well. I'm sure the OP wouldn't have a problem with her son having a GF that he'd been dating for awhile and had been over to her house several times sleeping over if/when the OP was out of town. But this just isn't the case. This was a total stranger who (apparently) isn't even allowed around the son's children.

OP - your house, your rules. If he doesn't like them, he can find another place.

 

[disykat]

I don't know why it would matter if it were pre- or post-marital sex. Sex is a good thing. [/QUOTE]

No one said sex is a bad thing. Are you really that unwilling to understand that other people have beliefs that differ from your own? The word "close-minded" (again, not quoting anyone - emphasizing words) comes to mind.

I still maintain this isn't about sex - it's about respecting someone else's beliefs and the right to run their home according to them.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

I don't know why it would matter if it were pre- or post-marital sex. Sex is a good thing.

No one said sex is a bad thing. Are you really that unwilling to understand that other people have beliefs that differ from your own? The word "close-minded" (again, not quoting anyone - emphasizing words) comes to mind.

I still maintain this isn't about sex - it's about respecting someone else's beliefs and the right to run their home according to them.[/QUOTE]

But what he did wasn't against the rules... it was only a rule retroactively.

 

[Mandychelle79]

I guess one reason I think they way I do is that while I was living at home, it was my home. I wasn't living with my parents, I was living in my home. Now that I live elsewhere, it's my parents house. But if for some reason I moved back in, it would then become my home again, if I had no immediate plans for leaving. Now, if my whole family moved in ( like will probably happen when we take out the trailer to build a house within the next two years), yes we would be staying with my parents, as we had immediate plans to leave.

 

[disykat]

Still not sure how treating an adult like an adult is being more reasonable.

You're not listening. You seem to be stuck on a very narrow definition of "treating like an adult." For many people the definition of treating like an adult is not "letting them have sex wherever they want." (quotation marks to emphasize words) IMO, the son acted childlike by not thinking about his parent's feelings. I would expect an adult to be respectful of a parent, and consider sneaking women in while they are gone to be juvenile behavior.

I don't believe for one minute that the son "didn't know" (again, not quoting anyone) about his parents beliefs in regards to sexual behavior. I know exactly how my parents feel on this issue and my kids know exactly how I feel.

At the very least, if he didn't know how his parents would feel about it, he should have asked.

 

[Scurvy]

I still maintain this isn't about sex - it's about respecting someone else's beliefs and the right to run their home according to them.

I agree. In addition, I don't understand why so many people are focused exclusively on the mother/son aspect of the scenerio. This sort of situation isn't exclusive to parents and their children. When my husband was in graduate school, he shared an apartment with a friend of his. They were both on the lease, and obviously they were both adults. They came up with "house rules" together, and one of the rules was "No overnight guests without the approval of the other roommate". If either one wanted someone to stay over (no matter who the someone was - family member, friend, significant other, etc) they had to clear it with the other person first. It had nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with respecting the other person. If one roommate wasn't comfortable with someone staying over (either because they were uncomfortable with the specific person in question or because it wasn't a good night for guests) then it didn't happen. Lots of people I know had similar rules. In a case when only one person is on the lease (or they own the home) then it seems logical to me that anyone who they allow to live with them must also agree to abide by their house rules.

The only problem I see with the OP's situation is that she apparently wasn't clear on her house rules right at the start. She shouldn't expect her son to be a mind reader. But if he is aware of her rules, he can then choose whether to abide by them or move out. That doesn't seem at all unreasonable to me.

 

[MIGrandma]

OP here, gosh 5 pages of replies already. I do appreciate everyone's opinion and glad to know many don't think I'm a prude. Or even if I am, "our house, our rules." But those of you who disagree with me, that's fine too, I appreciate everyone's opinion.

I think what bothered me MOST is that we had never even met this girl. I don't think he's been seeing her long at all, in fact it's only been in the past couple of weeks that he has even mentioned her. And he waits until we are GONE before he brings her over and then has her spend the night. She was still here when we got home from our weekend up north, so he did introduce me to her then, but still.... I just feel it would have been nice to get to know her a little, have him bring her around a few times, etc. BEFORE having her spend the night. I MAY have felt a little differently about the situation if that would have happened, I don't know.

I do respect the fact that he didn't have her stay over when his kids were here Friday and Saturday nights. To my way of thinking that was more respectful to his kids at least. They don't need to be subjected to that.

And to those who think our relationship is "odd", I would love to hear why you feel that way. Our son has been on his own since he was 18, it was only since last September that he let his house go (so he didn't have to pay rent) and started staying here with us once a month when he was home from his trucking job. We agreed to let him stay here, it was all worked out before he even took the job. We agreed it didn't make sense for him to pay rent and utilities when he wasn't there.

Then when the trucking job didn't work out (no money in it) we talked BEFORE he quit, and agreed to let him live here until he could get his own car again and another job. We just didn't know it would take so long and there have been some strained moments, but I think that would happen with ANY family who had an adult child move back in with them.

I guess I just don't see what is so "odd" about trying to help him get back on his feet. He doesn't pay any rent, utilities, or pay for groceries. He is living here completely free. Now if he WERE paying rent, etc. then having the girlfriend over probably would not have been an issue. But anyway, hopefully this new job will work out and he will be able to get his own place again soon.

 

[Mandychelle79]

You're not listening. You seem to be stuck on a very narrow definition of "treating like an adult." For many people the definition of treating like an adult is not "letting them have sex wherever they want." (quotation marks to emphasize words) IMO, the son acted childlike by not thinking about his parent's feelings. I would expect an adult to be respectful of a parent, and consider sneaking women in while they are gone to be juvenile behavior.

I don't believe for one minute that the son "didn't know" (again, not quoting anyone) about his parents beliefs in regards to sexual behavior. I know exactly how my parents feel on this issue and my kids know exactly how I feel.

At the very least, if he didn't know how his parents would feel about it, he should have asked.

Just because he had someone sleep over, does not mean that they had sex. And just because someone goes home to sleep at night doesn't mean they did not have sex before he/she left. There were numerous times I have stayed/had some stay where no sex was involved. She could have stayed over for any number of reasons. I would go to my in-laws house after working midnight shift, as it was closer to where I worked. Could have just fallen asleep while watching movies. Things happen. I wouldn't automatically assume he sneaked her in to have sex. If they want to have sex, his parents being home or not probably isn't going to stop them.

And I do not have a narrow definition of being an adult. You seem to think that in my mind being an adult = being able to have people stay over. Nope, not at all. Being treated like an adult is able to make your own decisions on how you want to live your life. That would be a very broad definition in my mind.

 

[Mkrop]

If the homeowner doesnt want her 34 year old son to do something in her home than he should respect that. I dont care if it is an overnight guest, having sex, or eating smelly food. If the OP makes it clear she does not want this to happen, then it should not.

Yes a 34 year old man will want to have sex with his GF but he can find somewhere else to do it.

 

[Scurvy]

And I do not have a narrow definition of being an adult. You seem to think that in my mind being an adult = being able to have people stay over. Nope, not at all. Being treated like an adult is able to make your own decisions on how you want to live your life. That would be a very broad definition in my mind.

Given that definition, the son in the original post is being treated like an adult. He can make his own decisions about whether to stay with the OP and abide by her household rules, or move out and make his own household rules. He has complete control over how he lives his own life. He just doesn't have complete control over what he can do in someone else's home.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

I do respect the fact that he didn't have her stay over when his kids were here Friday and Saturday nights. To my way of thinking that was more respectful to his kids at least. They don't need to be subjected to that.

Subjected to what, exactly? Their dad on a date?

 

[LiberalPrincess]

I guess I just don't see what is so "odd" about trying to help him get back on his feet. He doesn't pay any rent, utilities, or pay for groceries. He is living here completely free. Now if he WERE paying rent, etc. then having the girlfriend over probably would not have been an issue. But anyway, hopefully this new job will work out and he will be able to get his own place again soon.

So, just to be clear, it is not that he went against your "belief" system as some of the more righteous posters have said. It is not about pre-marital sex at all, it is about wanting to know who is in your house, correct? To me, if you are not asking for rent, it is no different than if he was paying it. That is a non-factor. Either you don't like strangers in your house, or you don't mind. Simple as that. I do think the onus is on you to establish your rules and make them clear. It is your house, but as seen from this thread, many people would have a different view. So, no one can be expected to read minds.

 

[RitaE]

Well I think you are going to have to be more clear with him on what it is you want.

1. No Overnight Guests at all.
2. No Overnight Guests unless I've met them a minimum of 3 times and have given my approval.
3. No Overnight Guests when the kids are here?

I'm not trying to be difficult, you just don't seem like you've decided yourself what the rules are for your house so I don't find it all that shocking that he doesn't know them either. He can't read your mind. From that last post it seems like you don't have a rule against spending the night with a woman in your house ... you just want either veto power or perhaps for him to ask you first?

Decide what you want and tell him. And remember that while something might be "nice" for you --- as an adult man he probably has a completely different point of view.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Not at all.

It is your home.

Given that you are helping him as he gets on his feet---means that you have every right to not permit his dates to stay over regardless of age. Totally uncool that he did that...behind your back.

 

[Pigeon]

You are free to set whatever rules you want about your house.

Do I think your rules are reasonable is another question, and no, I don't.