So, Do You Think I'm a Prude/Being Unreasonable?

[MIGrandma]

As some of you know from a previous thread, our 34-year-old DS is currently living with us until he can get a job (he started a new one today, as a matter of fact!!!) and get back on his feet, his own place, etc.

DH and I have some vacation property up north and we were there over the weekend. When we got home late Monday afternoon his new girlfriend was here. We had never met her. We found out she spent the night here with him. We didn't much care for that, and told him so. I told him I didn't care that he's 34 years old, this is our house and if he doesn't like the rules he could find another place to live. We were all upset, he stormed out, etc. etc.

Are we being unreasonable to not want him having girls sleep over?

When DH and I were dating we never would have done that in my parents' home. I felt it would have been disrespectful to them. I guess DS doesn't feel that way. He even said he didn't think it would be an issue, so it didn't occur to him to ask before he had her over.

I asked him if it were reversed, would he have stayed overnight with her at her parents' home, without their knowledge or permission and he said yes and that it wouldn't have bothered them. Not sure he knows that for a fact, but whatever.

I know the world is different now than it was when DH and I were dating, but it bothers me that he would so non-chalantly have her here overnight, when we had never even met her before.

And it bothered me that the house wasn't clean enough. I didn't do a lot of cleaning before we left (on Friday) because DS was having his kids here for the weekend so I knew if I cleaned it would just get messed up anyway, so I thought I would just wait until we got home. He took his kids home Sunday late afternoon, then brought her over. So I was kind of embarrassed that things weren't clean too!

So, what do you think? Am I too prudish in not wanting his girlfriend to sleep over?

 

[autumnpalm]

IMO I don't think so at all! Your house, your rules! You should always be able to feel comfortable in your own home.

 

[SC Minnie]

I agree- Your house, your rules. I would also have a problem with him bringing someone into MY house that I didn't know when I wasn't there.

 

[DSNY4ever]

Nope, not unreasonable at all. Your house, your rules- no matter the age. If he wants to have sleepovers he better start saving up and move out! I would have felt weird and uncomfortable if I had been that girlfriend.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

The key part is that you haven't even met her!
I think it is extremely rude for complete stranger to be staying overnight in your home.

 

[TriMom]

I understand you being upset - and that is fine - your house, your rules. You have every right to be upset, but don't blow it too out of proportion.

Look at it from your son's point of view. I am sure that he thought he was doing everyone a favor by having her spend the night when you were NOT there. How uncomfortable would THAT have been for everyone involved. His mistake was not introducing her to you first. I think his intentions were to make everyone more comfortable, not start a fight. I would move on quickly from this one.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Yuck. Who wants to think of what (or where) they did while you were away.

It is clear that he needs his OWN place, but that isn't what you asked.

I DO NOT think you are being prude at all. If he wants to act like an adult and do adult things (like shack up with girlfriends) he should get out of mom's house.

 

[Mkrop]

Did he know this rule before he brought the GF over? If he did not and you assumed he would not do something like that, I would let it go and chalk it up to miscommunication.

If he did know that you had this rule and were uncomfortable with this and still brought her over then I would be angry and remind him of the my house my rules mantra.

 

[aaarcher86]

I understand you being upset - and that is fine - your house, your rules. You have every right to be upset, but don't blow it too out of proportion.

Look at it from your son's point of view. I am sure that he thought he was doing everyone a favor by having her spend the night when you were NOT there. How uncomfortable would THAT have been for everyone involved. His mistake was not introducing her to you first. I think his intentions were to make everyone more comfortable, not start a fight. I would move on quickly from this one.

I disagree. To me it seems more like he had her over BECAUSE they were out of town. I could be wrong - but that's what I thought when I first read it.

I personally don't think you are being unreasonable. Since it is apparently a first offense I wouldn't make a big ordeal out of it. Simply advise him, your house your rules. Personally, if my kids moved back in at any point in time and at any age they could expect the same rules and chores that they had when they were living here in high school lol.

 

[NMAmy]

I do think your son was wrong not to talk with you about it first. It is your house and you're entitled to make your own rules. With that said, I do think your rules are a bit unreasonable for a 34 year old man who has children. On the bright side, this may give him the nudge he needs to move out faster. What grown man wants his mom getting upset that his girlfriend slept over?

 

[RadioFanatic]

I don't think you were at all and I'm his age rather than yours. Before DH and I married, if we stayed at my parents' home, we slept in separate rooms - and we lived together at the time - their house, their rules.

And even if I thought you were a crazy prude, so what? It's your home, your rules - and you are doing him a HUGE favor by living there - so if he doesn't like it, then move out.

I do find it interesting he didn't have her stay over while HIS kids were there. Telling, don't you think?

 

[ICF]

Your house...your rules....

However.....

He had her sleep over while you were gone, and didnt just randomly show up with her and take her up to his room while you were home one evening and proceed to do whatever he did with her while you were home. I could see where he might not have thought much about and may have even figured she would be gone before you ever got home.

After being your son for 34 years, he SHOULD have had a good sense of your moral judgements and known if this would have been an issue for you and acted accordingly and if there were going to be issues discussed them with you upfront.

 

[jaoconnor]

You are right, he is wrong. No question.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I think it's possible you're being a little uptight. Maybe she stayed over because they had a few beers and/or didn't want to drive home late at night? Just because she was there, it doesn't mean they were doing the horizontal dance either, if you know what I mean.

If this is a girl he's going to be seeing regularly and you're not there when they're doing whatever, I don't see a problem. But if he started using your house like a hump-motel with a string of dates, I can see why you'd object to that.

 

[Minnie824]

I don't know...I guess its hard for me to imagine your situation, since I'm your DS's age, married, 2 kids, our house, etc. However I can't imagine, even if I was single now and staying at my parents house, my mommy telling me I can't have a boyfriend sleep over. He's an adult and been so for a long time. Since it is your house, I do feel he probably should have mentioned it to you, but I really don't think its a big deal. Its not he's 16 and threw a party when you were out of town...he just had his girlfriend stay over.

 

[golfgal]

I do think your son was wrong not to talk with you about it first. It is your house and you're entitled to make your own rules. With that said, I do think your rules are a bit unreasonable for a 34 year old man who has children. On the bright side, this may give him the nudge he needs to move out faster. What grown man wants his mom getting upset that his girlfriend slept over?

I would agree with this. At 34 years old you are not dealing with boys and GIRLS, but men and women. I think he was considerate not to have her over when you were home but I think you over reacted when you found out since this was the first time. A simple, I know you are an adult but I would prefer you didn't have WOMEN sleep over here and left it at that.

 

[TriMom]

I disagree. To me it seems more like he had her over BECAUSE they were out of town. I could be wrong - but that's what I thought when I first read it.

I personally don't think you are being unreasonable. Since it is apparently a first offense I wouldn't make a big ordeal out of it. Simply advise him, your house your rules. Personally, if my kids moved back in at any point in time and at any age they could expect the same rules and chores that they had when they were living here in high school lol.

That was my point - He waited until his parents were out of town to because he thought he was doing them a favor by waiting until they were gone. I think in his own way he was trying to be respectful of them.

I think it would be unreasonable to expect a 34 yo, with kids, to return to a 16 yo's dating rules just because he was living at home. The crime here was miscommunication. He should have introduced Jane to the family over a dinner beforehand, and he should have taken mom aside before she left and said "Jane might spend the night tonight, do you have a problem with that" That way no one would have been upset, and Mom could have decided what her feeling were on the matter.

Now if Mom had said that she was not comfortable with that, and he did it anyway - then that is disrespectful, and I would consider it grounds for getting kicked out.

But I really think he just didn't think to ask, and was trying to make everyone more comfortable with the whole dating thing.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Is this a new girlfriend or is this the same girl he had when he up and took your car and left it there?

 

[TinklednPants]

I "guess" I can understand you not wanting him to have guests while you are there. But when you're not there???? At 34???

I vote prude

 

[Tinkermommy]

I don't know...I guess its hard for me to imagine your situation, since I'm your DS's age, married, 2 kids, our house, etc. However I can't imagine, even if I was single now and staying at my parents house, my mommy telling me I can't have a boyfriend sleep over. He's an adult and been so for a long time. Since it is your house, I do feel he probably should have mentioned it to you, but I really don't think its a big deal. Its not he's 16 and threw a party when you were out of town...he just had his girlfriend stay over.

In reference to the bolded part, I can certainly see my mother telling me this if I was single and it wouldn't matter if I was 74 or 24. In fact, she wouldn't need to tell me as I know her opinion on this topic.

OP seems like you DS knows what you would have said if he asked, so he didn't and thought he could bring her in without you knowing.

It doesn't matter if others think you are a prude, you have every right to have certain expectations of people living in your house, no matter what their age is.