Since I can't kill him, what is option #2 ?

[tammymacb]

My 18 ( 19 next month ) son is killing me.

Please pardon if this goes long. I'll try not to.

Anyway....I have been divorced from his father since he was very young. He had always lived with me. When he turned 17, he started doing all the typical things that teens do to get into touble. He lied about where he was, didn't follow curfew etc. I told him that wasn't going to fly, he lived in my house and would follow my rules. His answer was that he moved in with my ex husband and finished high school 900 miles away. I tried to reason with my ex, and told him that DS wanted to go up there because he wanted to run wild and not follow rules. Ex said he'd have rules with him too....Yea, whatever. To make a long story short, DS moved to NY and finished school. Ex put him up in an apartment he owns and lets him run wild. Ex paid for his car, his bills and whatever as long as DS didn't bother ex and his live in.

Surprise!! DS got in trouble...So, a few months ago, DS calls me. He's tearful, contrite. He wants to come home. Go to school. Stay out of trouble. Can he come back? I discuss it with my DH and we decide he can. As long as he realizes he's not coming back to free for all. He has to get a job, go to college and stay out of trouble.

Well....that hasn't lasted very long. Last week he was pulled over with a beer in his car. He has a court date on his 19th birthday. If he goes to court, he'll get off with court mandated alcohol prevention classes. DS isn't going to go. He's already called my ex and asked him to come back...I told DS that I wouldn't finance his trip back to NY. I also told him I'd be taking the insurance off his vehicle. ( As it's tied to my homeowners and I'm not about to be sued for him being irresponsible and lose my house ) DS says fine, he's selling the vehicle and flying back to NY. Next week.

So, last night, he didn't come home at dinner time. I called him and he said he was at a friends house in the neighborhood. He didn't come home. He's also turned off his cell phone ( which I pay for ) so I can't get in touch with him. I know he's ok as he posted on Facebook an hour or so about what a great concert he went to last night. ( He has me blocked as a friend- but I found out from someone else ) He's not answering his phone, he's gone with the car....


Uuuuuugh...

I've sent him a message vis facebook to turn on his phone and call me. I also told him if I don't hear from him in 2 hours I'll be cancelling his car insurance and he'll be on his own with the illegal driving.

What else can I do??

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I would report him to the police for intending to skip a court ordered alcohol prevention course. Let me spend time in jail.

I would also take him off your insurance and cancel his cell service.

 

[abdmom]

What else can I do??

Cancel his phone.

 

[daisyyy]

I don't really have an answer... but I feel for you. I understand it's your son, and probably breaks your heart because you know you want whats best for him. On the other hand.. tough love can be the answer. It may take a few "rebellious" years, but Hopefully he will eventually turn around and realize you only wanted what was best for him. Hang in there.

 

[PrincessBelle09]

I don't think there is much that you can do. He is an adult, but you cannot force him to act like one and do anything to help him straighten out as long as your ex is willing to foot the bill and let him continue his immature behavior. You definitely should stop paying for any of his expenses though.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My 18 ( 19 next month ) son is killing me.

Please pardon if this goes long. I'll try not to.

Anyway....I have been divorced from his father since he was very young. He had always lived with me. When he turned 17, he started doing all the typical things that teens do to get into touble. He lied about where he was, didn't follow curfew etc. I told him that wasn't going to fly, he lived in my house and would follow my rules. His answer was that he moved in with my ex husband and finished high school 900 miles away. I tried to reason with my ex, and told him that DS wanted to go up there because he wanted to run wild and not follow rules. Ex said he'd have rules with him too....Yea, whatever. To make a long story short, DS moved to NY and finished school. Ex put him up in an apartment he owns and lets him run wild. Ex paid for his car, his bills and whatever as long as DS didn't bother ex and his live in.

Surprise!! DS got in trouble...So, a few months ago, DS calls me. He's tearful, contrite. He wants to come home. Go to school. Stay out of trouble. Can he come back? I discuss it with my DH and we decide he can. As long as he realizes he's not coming back to free for all. He has to get a job, go to college and stay out of trouble.

Well....that hasn't lasted very long. Last week he was pulled over with a beer in his car. He has a court date on his 19th birthday. If he goes to court, he'll get off with court mandated alcohol prevention classes. DS isn't going to go. He's already called my ex and asked him to come back...I told DS that I wouldn't finance his trip back to NY. I also told him I'd be taking the insurance off his vehicle. ( As it's tied to my homeowners and I'm not about to be sued for him being irresponsible and lose my house ) DS says fine, he's selling the vehicle and flying back to NY. Next week.

So, last night, he didn't come home at dinner time. I called him and he said he was at a friends house in the neighborhood. He didn't come home. He's also turned off his cell phone ( which I pay for ) so I can't get in touch with him. I know he's ok as he posted on Facebook an hour or so about what a great concert he went to last night. ( He has me blocked as a friend- but I found out from someone else ) He's not answering his phone, he's gone with the car....


Uuuuuugh...

I've sent him a message vis facebook to turn on his phone and call me. I also told him if I don't hear from him in 2 hours I'll be cancelling his car insurance and he'll be on his own with the illegal driving.

What else can I do??

I would cancel everything and change the locks on my house. Sounds like he is determined to crash and burn and not much you can do about it.

 

[DizBelle]

Sounds like he wants to be on his own so maybe you should let him.

 

[Tuffcookie]

I would cancel everything EXCEPT the celll phone. I feel no matter what mistakes my sons make, I would want them to be able to call me in an emergency.

TC

 

[Darcy03231]

I would cancel everything and change the locks on my house. Sounds like he is determined to crash and burn and not much you can do about it.

I agree. Your son is now legally an adult. If he can't follow your rules its time for him to pay his own way.

 

[ilovejack02]

I would cancel everything EXCEPT the celll phone. I feel no matter what mistakes my sons make, I would want them to be able to call me in an emergency.

TC

as long as phone has battery life they can always call 911 with no service and jail lets them make one phone call. I would cancel and have on my 21 yr old before.

 

[Tuffcookie]

as long as phone has battery life they can always call 911 with no service and jail lets them make one phone call. I would cancel and have on my 21 yr old before.

I can respect that stance and I would probably eventually cancel the phone service. But, hopefully, the OP's DS will realize the error of his ways before he digs too deep of a hole.

OP.

TC

 

[Myothername]

It is really easy to say just turn everything off, cancel the insurance, contact the police and turn him in but he is still your little boy. I have a 19, almost 20 year old son. Granted he is not acting as bad as your son but he has given us plenty of worry. He is getting better and learning from his mistakes. (Dropped out of school to work, job ended and he did not get paid; started new job, told him to find out details of the job - electrician apprentice - and it turns out was much harder than he thought.) He is finally listening to us on some important things now such as school and career counseling.

If he wants to go back to his father's there is little you can do to stop him. I would make sure he understands if he misses the court date and he gets pulled over anywhere they will see there is a warrant for his arrest and haul him in. DS thought he would just not pay a speeding ticket he got in another state until I set him straight about that one. Tell his father you are canceling the insurance to give him the opportunity to get it for him. I think I would leave the phone on a while longer too so he can always get in touch with you. But I would let him know this is it. No more bouncing back and forth.

 

[LuvOrlando]

That is a tough call. He is 18 and sounds like he is out of control and heading towards wall fast. I wish I had advice but sometimes the best you can do is just let him learn his lessons. He is grown so now all you can do is love him, but covering for him is a mistake... he seems to be picking up speed. Personally, I would cancel everything like another PP said because his recklessness can really be destructive to you. I say send both him and his Dad a text that because he was caught drinking under age you are dropping him from Ins so his Dad can pick him up ASAP, that his INS is canceled as of today so they need to get on this immediately. Same goes for cell phone, tell him you are canceling service and will replace it with a $20 Trac Phone as soon as he sends you back his current one in the mail.

Personally, i have seen far too many young people totally destroy their lives at this age. In fact, when we were growing up my BFF's sister behaved very similarly to how your DS is behaving and it didn't end well for her.... what a mess. Your DS needs consequences and accountability and that is something he isn't getting as long as he can play ping pong with you and your EX. I think this really has to stop, it's just not healthy for anyone involved.

I hope he straightens out, good luck

 

[Bob NC]

When he turned 17, he started doing all the typical things that teens do to get into touble.

We COULD start here.

 

[tammymacb]

We COULD start here.

Not quite sure what that means...

Anyhoo, an update. DS came in a bit ago. When I asked where he had been he said he "fell asleep" at a friends house and quite conviently forgot about the concert.

I've taken his keys and informed him that the car is off the road.

Not sure where we're going from here.

 

[ksjayhawks]

First, sending you hugs!

Glad you took the car keys. Make sure you have both sets.

As to what you can do, you need to take steps to protect yourself and your financial well being. You also need to let him become the grown up that he is and be responsible for his expenses and for any trouble that he gets in.

I would cancel the cell phone and the car insurance. Call his dad and tell him this, so if he wants to cover the insurance, he can. If he wants a cell phone, he can pay for his own plan or get a prepaid one. DS can sell the car--is there a lien on it or is it owned free and clear?--in order to get back to NY if he owns it. If you own it, you can sell it.

As another poster said, you should change the locks on your house and the keypad code to the garage door and security systems if you have them.

As much as you would like to, you cannot save him. He has to want to change his life. If he doesn't, it won't last. It sounds like he is going to have to learn the hard way, which may include some jail time or probation. If he gets in trouble, be supportive, but do not bail him--or buy him--out of the trouble. Some kids can only learn when they reach rock bottom.

(I teach alternative education students so have been there/done that with several of them over the years. They don't get it until they are the ones who have to deal with what they have done. It is shocking to many of them how the courts handle things when they turn 18 compared to when they were in the juvenile system!)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Not quite sure what that means...

Anyhoo, an update. DS came in a bit ago. When I asked where he had been he said he "fell asleep" at a friends house and quite conviently forgot about the concert.

I've taken his keys and informed him that the car is off the road.

Not sure where we're going from here.

Where do you want to go? The thing is you can talk to him till you are blue in the face. If he is dead set against crashing and burning then I would buy him a plane ticket and send him back.

If he feels he wants to go his own way, then let him.

 

[doxdogy]

OP let me share my nephew's story with you. He came to live with us when he was 17 (didn't want to follow his parents rules). He had gone to South Florida and landed in jail. DH took his dad down there to bail him out and he came to live with us. He followed all the rules in our home and actually joined the Army. Did well in Basic and AIT training. Went to Germany and his mouth overloaded his butt and he was booted out.

Came back to our home, got a job and was actually following the straight and narrow. Problems started popping up and we kicked him out. He got in more trouble and went to jail for 3 years. Came back home, got in more trouble and nailed for DUI and got off fairly easy (though he missed my dad's funeral).

Well he was nailed again for DUI and felony fleeing and is now a guest of the State of Florida for the next 5 years.

The whole time he kept telling family and friends not to worry about him and that he had control over his life and yadda, yadda, yadda.

I would hate to see your son learn the hard lessons that my nephew has learned. What breaks my heart is that this didn't have to happen to him. But he made his choices and now he must live with the consequences.

 

[PrincessBelle09]

From the original post, I gather that the car belongs to him, in which case you probably should not be taking his keys. If the car is in his name, he might catch on and that could escalate the problem.

In my opinion, at almost 19, if he is not in school he really should be working and paying for all of his own expenses.

 

[eliza61]

Op, first and foremost hugs and prayers to you. As a mom of 3 teens, I know how hard it could be.

First, continue reiterating that you love him and you're concerned for him.
next, continue telling him there are consequences to his behaviour and while you love him, the rest of the world does not share that sentiment.

I applaud you for not being an enabler no matter how hard it is to watch our kids crash and burn.