Since I can't kill him, what is option #2 ?

[sparklynails23]

The only thing that will change him at this point is a new set of friends or new, nice girlfriend. Peer pressure. Does he have a set of friends at his dad's, or does he manage to get in trouble by himself up there?

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

The only thing that will change him at this point is a new set of friends or new, nice girlfriend. Peer pressure. Does he have a set of friends at his dad's, or does he manage to get in trouble by himself up there?

This is what I was thinking - he needs a positive peer or girlfriend to influence his life. Or a stint in the military.

 

[tomthebarncat]

This is what I was thinking - he needs a positive peer or girlfriend to influence his life. Or a stint in the military.

Actually if he gets convicted they will pass on him, as he will not be a good fit for any military service.

 

[Planogirl]

I'm confused by something. Is the car in the son's name? I got the impression that it might be. Can the car be taken away if it is? The insurance can perhaps but can the car?

Good luck with your situation. This has the need for tough love written all over it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm confused by something. Is the car in the son's name? I got the impression that it might be. Can the car be taken away if it is? The insurance can perhaps but can the car?

Good luck with your situation. This has the need for tough love written all over it.

Not legally I suppose.

Certainly the parent could take it away as part of the punishment. He should give it up to his mom as his show of good faith that he is going to pull himself together.

In addition he would need to apologize for acting disrespectful and getting his hind end to court. After that if he was not working, then he would need to get a job asap.

If he mouths off and frankly is showing signs that his totally lost in space then I would ask him to come to counseling with me to sort out these problems.

If he refuses all of the above then I would set a date for him to move out or back to his dad's. Hopefully he gets it and if he does not then follow thru with alternate plans for him that does not include living in your home.

 

[minkydog]

I don't think there is much that you can do. He is an adult, but you cannot force him to act like one and do anything to help him straighten out as long as your ex is willing to foot the bill and let him continue his immature behavior. You definitely should stop paying for any of his expenses though.

Sounds like he is determined to crash and burn and not much you can do about it.

DS came in a bit ago. When I asked where he had been he said he "fell asleep" at a friends house and quite conviently forgot about the concert.

I've taken his keys and informed him that the car is off the road.

Not sure where we're going from here.

Where do you want to go? The thing is you can talk to him till you are blue in the face. If he is dead set against crashing and burning then I would buy him a plane ticket and send him back.

If he feels he wants to go his own way, then let him.

I have been in your shoes, OP, and I have to agree with others who say "let him go." We've been through some similar stuff with my DS23 and tried many different things to "straighten him out." I can tell you this: They won't straighten out until they want to and you can't make them grow up and fly right. He's an adult now.

When DS was about 19 he had a series of traffic tickets, mostly for speeding violations. THen he got one for speeding in a school zone--25mph over the limit. My DH accompanied him to court, but did not try to get him off or anything. Afterward the judge pulled DH to the side and said, "You need to get that kid off your insurance. Transfer the truck over to him NOW, before he hurts or kills someone and YOU lose your home, your savings and your retirement." We went home and took care of it that very day.

No flames from me, OP. I've been there, I know just how bad it feels. Sometimes our children insist on going down the wrong road, but when they're adults there isn't much we can do about it. When we were going through this the only thing that really made any lasting difference was to just love him. And let him fail. DS had some hard lessons to learn and it got pretty ugly before it got better, but now at almost 24 he's on the right path and doing well.He lives on his own, pays his way, has a good job and a great girlfriend. It was very hard, but I'm glad we cut the apron strings finally and now we have a mature adult relationship with our son.

 

[Silent1CB]

He's an adult now. HIS problems now. Wash your hands of them. There's the door if you don't like the rules.

At some point, possibly a few years from now of being on his own, he'll get it.

My brother quit school & moved out at 16. He's in his 50's now & doing well. He finally knocked some sense into himself in his mid-20's or so.

 

[Bob NC]

When he turned 17, he started doing all the typical things that teens do to get into touble.

The thing that bugs me is that I bet I have heard the term "All the things that teenagers do", a half dozen times in the past month.

I have 2 teenagers and I am insulted that people believe that all teenagers.....

Scream I HATE YOU and run from the house.....

Stay out past curfew.....

Swear.....

Skip School......

Leave beer cans and weed in the family vehicles.....

Get pulled over.....

And on and on and on and on.....

My kids don't do any of those things and they are "normal" teenagers.

Though, I have recently heard each one of the above things referred to as things that all teenagers do.

 

[pepperw23]

Have you tried just sitting down with him? Just the two of you, and tell him how much you love him? Explain why you are such a (*****). Tell him you fuss becasue you care. Tell him you are frustrated. Beg him to understand and see your side of it. Tell him how it made you feel when you could not reach him, tell him all the horrible thoughts that went through your mind. Tell him some stories of when he was a baby and how you miss those times. In other words, try to reach in and pull out the boy you raised. He is in there somewhere.

He probably knows he is doing wrong, but it is "fun". Give him back his car, offer to go with him to court and support him. Tell him you will not let him fall, but you need his help. Find out what he wants to do with his future. Remember, he is 18, your anger is only going to serve to make him angry too. He does not think like we do yet. (I have a 19 and 22 year old so I get it).

I would do everthing in my power to talk him out of going back to the ex. It sounds like there is no structure there and your DS needs structure...whether he likes it or not.

I wish you the best. Parenting is tough, but someone has to do it.

 

[MrsPete]

The thing that bugs me is that I bet I have heard the term "All the things that teenagers do", a half dozen times in the past month.

I have 2 teenagers and I am insulted that people believe that all teenagers.....

Scream I HATE YOU and run from the house.....

Stay out past curfew.....

Swear.....

Skip School......

Leave beer cans and weed in the family vehicles.....

Get pulled over.....

And on and on and on and on.....

My kids don't do any of those things and they are "normal" teenagers.

Though, I have recently heard each one of the above things referred to as things that all teenagers do.

I have to agree. Too many parents excuse away this type of behavior as "typical". My kids (and their friends) are not angels, but they do not behave this way.

Something an older parent told me years ago, something I've found very effective with my kids: Always do the worst thing first. That is, when the child takes a baby step towards bad teenaged-type behavior (and it'll probably be in middle school, not at 17), RIGHT THEN hit 'em with whatever you consider the worst punishment for that offense. Don't excuse it away because it's their first time. Don't accept excuses or allow them to blame someone else. Make the punishment hurt. If they see that the punishment will be swift and severe, they are less likely to repeat these bad choices. On the other hand, if they get a slap on the wrist, they may well decide that the fun of breaking the rule was "worth" the penalty . . . and if they get into that mentality, heaven help you.

 

[JoiseyMom]

OP, ITA with all the tough love posts. You have to cut him off. As sad as that might be. I have 4 kids, 3 DS's, 2 who are adults in there mid 20's. When my then DS17 totaled his first car, he got lucky cause it was insured for collision (insurance company mishap - car was used was passed down from his grandfather). He had enough to buy a second car. Btw the accident wasn't that bad...it was due to inexperience and some wet road and a mailbox...poor mailbox..bad location (has been take out many times since too ).

He totalled the second car also, not entirely his fault..but that is another story. He was getting ready to go to college in 2 months, I told him I had to take him off our car insurance (I was not losing my insurance or having my rates go sky high). Promised INS co, that he was not allowed to drive any of our cars. He went out of state to college, and he got a Drivers Liscense there, and eventually got his own car (his own money and paid for his own insurance). I have to say it is 8 years later and he is fine and so are his vehicles... he does drifting and rides motorcyles...but so far so good .

As a parent we have to make hard choices...you love him, he knows that, or he will realize it again when he grows up. You have to set the rules for his own safety and let him go if he doesn't want to follow them. It will be hard but he has to grow up and realize the harsh realities of life.

BTW...if he doesn't do court in your state..it will follow him to NY, they do computer checks.

Good luck.

 

[Disney Doll]

I don't know what I would do because I don't have kids.

But I can tell you what my parents would have done.

The cell phone would be turned off.
The car would not be being used by me, if they had to take the tires off of it to prevent me from using it, they would have.
I would not have been living in their house once I broke their house rules.
They certainly wouldn't have tolerated any disrespect.
If I skipped a court date, I'd be pahying the consequences.

If he wants to think he's a big boy, then treat him like one. Find a place to live, find a job and take care of yourself. No mooching off Mommy for your car and cell phone Mr.Big Man. Welcome to the real world.

 

[Belle5]

Hugs to the OP. Sorry, but I have to laugh because I see so much of my naive, prideful self in some of the posters who are claiming that this is not normal behavior.
"
Background: used to think that people who had "picky eaters" were "soft" and didn't know how to "make their kids eat." I had proof didn't I? Five great eaters...then along comes #6--pickiest kid on the planet--and we have tried everything. Lesson learned...some kids just are not easy in some areas.

More background: Naive, prideful self thinks, "What great parents we are! DS23 and DS 22 never gave us a worry. Reality check--different kids are...different. DS20 (difficult since puberty hit)--nearly had his "behind" escorted out of the house last weekend as we changed the locks on the house. He is getting his one and only second chance. We only have 7 more weeks until back to the university.

Lesson: Some people have to deal with the likes of my #3 son on their first try at parenting. I am really not that great. Some kids are really easier. Some are tougher.

Am I saying coddle them? No way. Just pointing out that the posters who have mentioned having "trouble" may have been doing a lot of things right and have a very difficult child. I know...I found out the hard way. FWIW, DS17 almost 18 is no trouble...