Since I can't kill him, what is option #2 ?

[tammymacb]

From the original post, I gather that the car belongs to him, in which case you probably should not be taking his keys. If the car is in his name, he might catch on and that could escalate the problem.

In my opinion, at almost 19, if he is not in school he really should be working and paying for all of his own expenses.

The car is his. However, the insurance is through my insurance. It's the only way he could afford it. Our agent said, in the office, while we were buying it that if he caused an accident that because he's 18 and living at home, anyone who wanted to sue could come after me. Well, since he's been caught with a beer in his car he ISN'T driving it with my insurance. So he can buy his own very expensive insurance, or I can keep the keys to know he's not taking the car out.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I would remove the license plates from the car in case he has a second set of keys somewhere. I would then get him to sign the car over to you so you can sell it, then buy him a one way ticket back to NY. He is on a destructive bent, and the people around him are going to get sucked in if they are not careful. If you want to help him, wait until he is receptive. For now, you want him far away.

 

[PatsGirl]

Wow, I could have written this post almost verbatim. I can only tell you what I did and for sure I made my share of mistakes so take it for what its worth

DS turned 18 in January of his senior year. Things had been getting steadily worse from the time he got his license at 16 1/2 but once he turned 18 they magnified significantly. Long story short, I threw him out of the house for being disrespectful to me, underage drinking, and refusing to obey curfew. Basically he was coming and going as he pleased. He had already decided that college wasn't an option and signed up for the USAF on his 18th birthday so I knew if he kept his nose clean until August he might be lucky enough to get a "fresh start".

He was out of the house about three months, one month on the street, two months at friends and family, before he started asking to come home. I wouldn't let him because I saw the way he was treating those that came to his aid and knew he hadn't learned anything. He was so full of himself that when he moved out he actually had me taken off his school contact list but luckily his guidance counselor called me anyways and kept me informed of his academic standing (which was fine and he did graduate with his class).

He moved back in the day he graduated from high school for the ten weeks before leaving for boot camp. I missed so much of his senior year that I'm not sure I'd do it the same way again: he refused to let me be part of his prom plans, taking pictures, that sort of thing, and pretty much kept me at a distance for all the important things as pay-back. He did give me a graduation ticket though. The last ten weeks he lived here he did put some effort into avoiding conflict as did I. I loosened up the rules and pretty much let him do his thing because I didn't want him leaving without some repair to our Mom-son relationship.

We are now pretty good with each other. He just spent 28 days on leave here which I was dreading but all went well. Of course, he gets older every year and I let go a bit, so long as he is respectful of me.

I think I agree with others that he wants to be on his own, let him! But that means you pay for nothing and take him off any plans/insurance that sort of thing. Treat him as an adult, he might surprise you. Most likely, it'll take more than that, like a few years of growing up. Keep your fingers crossed that he doesn't get into any real trouble in that time and hope for the best.

 

[golfgal]

The car is his. However, the insurance is through my insurance. It's the only way he could afford it. Our agent said, in the office, while we were buying it that if he caused an accident that because he's 18 and living at home, anyone who wanted to sue could come after me. Well, since he's been caught with a beer in his car he ISN'T driving it with my insurance. So he can buy his own very expensive insurance, or I can keep the keys to know he's not taking the car out.

If he wants to live the life of an adult then he needs to start paying for EVERYTHING. Give him a place to live if you want but charge him rent, make him pay for his own phone, food, etc. Otherwise, he needs to move out and start taking responsibility for himself. It's amazing how fast they grow up when they have to pay their own bills. If the cell phone is too expensive, he goes without, if he can't afford insurance, he walks or rides the bus. As long as he has someone that will continue to bail him out, he will take advantage of the situation.

 

[lovin diz]

I would report him to the police for intending to skip a court ordered alcohol prevention course. Let me spend time in jail.

I would also take him off your insurance and cancel his cell service.

From Personal experience...THis

Let him spend time in jail...I know it is hard, but i have been there, it might not happen right away, but he will learn his lesson from this!!!

 

[Skatermom23]

The car is his. However, the insurance is through my insurance. It's the only way he could afford it. Our agent said, in the office, while we were buying it that if he caused an accident that because he's 18 and living at home, anyone who wanted to sue could come after me. Well, since he's been caught with a beer in his car he ISN'T driving it with my insurance. So he can buy his own very expensive insurance, or I can keep the keys to know he's not taking the car out.

Make sure you check with your insurance company on this. I know for mine, that if the kids live in my house, I have to have them listed on my policy.

 

[PatsGirl]

I personally don't think turning him into the police for "intending" to break the law is a good idea. First, they aren't going to do anything until he actually doesn't show, not because he is saying he won't. And who knows, his brain might get the better of him and his intentions may change. Natural consequences are key for sure, but twisting them to a desired outcome?

 

[mrsbert]

to OP. There are so many similar stories. My DS's are still young but I still worry about the future. No one knows what it holds. We, as parents, do our best to bring up our kids with the best morals, but it's up to the kids to utilize those good morals.

 

[patsal]

I can totally relate and I feel for you. My DS did not get into that much trouble but formt he day he turned 18 my life has been in utter turmoil.
What I have done:
Not home by curfew I lock the dead bolt. You know the rules an dif you can't follow them than you don't get back in.

I will not cover for him. If he gets in trouble it is his problem. When school would call, I was honest sorry, I dont' know where he is and nope not a legal excuse. Whe I was told he was in danger of not graduating and they shared the option of summer school or GED I reminded the school that they forgot that he has the option of returning as a super senior...Whatever the pricipal said to him seemed to do the trick, he is in school everyday as he is supposed to be...only missed 13 days total.

My insurance will not let me take him off since he lives in the house. I simply do not let him use the car. I take my keys everywhere with me.

Cell phone, he has one now, but I had it turned off when he was giving me too much trouble. Just went to the verizon website clicked a few butotns and had it shut off while I continued to pay throught the end of the contract. He found ways to communicate without it.

If I were you I would stress that he does not have an open door policy with you. If he leaves this time, while you love him and want to support him emotionally you will not be able to do anything else for him.

Adult choices and decisions equals adult consequenses for the better or the worse.

I would throw him under the bus so to speak, with the court system though. Only because in the end he wil have done way less damage to himself by dealing with it now.

Some kids do stupid, irresponsible things that are self destructive. It is our job to protect them when we can, and guide them when they will let us. It is unfortuantely our job to watch them fall flat on their faces and hopefully to be able to help piece it back together when they have learned something from the fall.

I know how hard this is, but you have to play hard back.

 

[jmpurdy]

Agree with most posters except to try and have his father be on the same page as you so he doesn't think he can flee one to the other to escape his responsibility. It is pretty urgent that you both agree to this. If he skips court, all bets are off. Just like an addict, as hard as it is, any help with a car/cell phone won't give him a reason to change HIS behavior. Best of luck and do check back with updates.

 

[luvsJack]

Op, the main thing you have to do to save your own sanity is to let any and all of this be HIS problem.

If you cancel his insurance, make sure you actually "disallow" him. Meaning, he lives in your home but that you are disallowing him to drive your car and know that he will not be covered under your insurance. (I did this. Was with Geico at the time. Progressive has a way to do this too)

Cancel his phone. Can't say that I did this because I have always insisted that they have a way to get ahold of me (this was really more for my sanity than for them). Another alternative would be to say "your phone cost this much, the next bill is due on this day. If you cannot pay the next bill, I will have it turned off" And let him figure out how to deal with it.

If he doesn't show up to court, let him deal with the consequences. And let him know that you will not be helping him out. They can't really do anything until he actualy doesn't show up for court anyway and sometimes the system is so backed up that it will be months before they actually take action even then. I would just assure him that they WILL do something and he might as well face the music now rather than later. And then let it go and let him decide what he thinks he should do.


He will make his own choices and there is not much you can do about them. He may just be one that has to beat his own head against the wall, let him. Even if he continues to live in your house; let his choices and decisions be his own.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Hi OP, I hope you are doing ok. I've been thinking about you and considering the fact I have a DD11 & DS12 the possibility that I can end up where you are is very real to me. It's so easy for a kid to get lost, any kid.

I have no advice for coming out of the mess but I do have some for protecting yourself. When my kids started becoming more independent, and getting hurt, I realized how vulnerable we were to lawsuits. So I added an "Umbrella Policy" to my homeowners. These policies are in addition to regular homeowners and they can drop you if you aren't careful but they give me a huge peace of mind. How they work is they give you full protection from any and all liability you can ever incur so if one of my kids is faulted for hurting someone else ect transferring responsibility to DH and I this policy would step in and their lawyers would too, my insurer has a defense team I could never afford. It would step in after auto, after homeowners and for any personal liability. Now it did force us to up some of our limits but considering the way the world is now and the likelihood one of my kids could cause trouble somewhere along the line it made sense for us. I like my house and my stuff. Our coverage is set to 1 million but this can slide depending on your needs. The fact you are at least somewhat responsible for caring for him means if he does something stupid someone will come after you, after all the kid has nothing worth taking. I think my policy raised my premiums abut $20/month but in my opinion its worth it especially once my kids start to drive. if I were in your particular shoes I would consider 2 years or so of this sort of policy well worth the money, that few hundred dollars can save your house and 401K etc. Again, if I were you I would drop everything and get yourself one of these policies as soon as possible. No telling what sort of a mess he can bring to your doorstep and telling the courts you cut him off won't help you, he needs to be legally emancipated and that is not an easy to do or prove.

Wishing you a good things

 

[DisTeach1]

My 18 ( 19 next month ) son is killing me.

When he turned 17, he started doing all the typical things that teens do to get into touble.
What else can I do??

We COULD start here.

Okay...I agree with Bob NC...please don't infer that what your son is doing is typical. It's not. That's making excuses for him. My son is 17, and never started doing any of those things.

Cancel everything. Everything. He's making really bad choices, don't allow yourself to be drawn in by it.

 

[kellyg403]

OP, as hard as it is, and yes I know from personal experience, you have to set the rules and even if he doesn't follow them you MUST stick to the consequences. If he wants to go back to Dad, then he has to understand he must stay there or find alternative living arrangements or a way back to where you live. If he wants to drive the car, he has to have one year paid in full insurance that is NOT tied to you in anyway. Some companies will provide the policy...something, anything to make him understand you are serious in what you are saying.

When I was going through the troubles with dd my sister told me basically the way she saw it, wasn't that she was making bad choices, I never let her learn anything from it. I always said I was going to do this or that, then feel guilty and do something else. One day, I had to do exactly as a I said. Its been two years since I started taking a stand. Two years later she is FINALLY getting the maturity and real life stuff at 23. It was hard. There were days when I wasn't sure where she was living, but she always called her sister so I knew she was o.k. In the end I feel like my sister was right.

Kelly

 

[tomthebarncat]

You get yourself into jail, you can get yourself out. My father would have canceled everything and let me fall hard, it is the only way your son will learn that there are consequences to his actions. I would also tell him that you will not be visiting him in jail and that you will see him when he grows up!!TOUGH LOVE!! if he learns this lesson now, he will be a much better person for it. If you bail him out, he will learn nothing other than you can be manipulated to give him what he wants, and then he will really do something stupid! As for drunk driving, what if he kills a family with small children??? could you live with that?? knowing that you directly contributed to the situation? I personally could not and would not lift a finger to help him. Time to learn what the real world is all about!

 

[Laura24]

I would cancel everything EXCEPT the celll phone. I feel no matter what mistakes my sons make, I would want them to be able to call me in an emergency.

TC

Totally agree. Take away the car, that's a huge liability to you. If we don't enable they have to learn to survive on their own. Just keep the communications open, he'll come to his senses eventually. Good luck.

 

[sunnyday123]

Agree with most posters except to try and have his father be on the same page as you so he doesn't think he can flee one to the other to escape his responsibility. It is pretty urgent that you both agree to this. If he skips court, all bets are off. Just like an addict, as hard as it is, any help with a car/cell phone won't give him a reason to change HIS behavior. Best of luck and do check back with updates.

This is what I was going to say. He has to know he can't just move when the mood strikes, or things aren't going his way. He might be 18 but he's acting like a 14 year old. I'd have to place a call to the ex no matter how difficult it may be and explain things to him. No matter the relationship between you, you are both his parents.

 

[VAN]

Not sure what advice to give you; however, have known people in the past with very difficult children. One of them was so bad that she (the mother) connected with an organization called "Tough Love". Through their support and guidance she was able to have a plan regarding what to do with her child.

It took a lot of heartache and many years, but I believe he eventually straightened out.

You may want to check out that organization and see if they have a chapter in your area.
===========
Tough love parenting ...
... the essence of this parenting style is to hold your ground and guide your teenager in a way that compels him or her to take responsibility for his actions and make changes in behavior. Since this parenting philosophy is primarily geared toward troubled teens, it is usually considered to be a last resort in response to self-destructive behavior (like drug use) or maladaptive behaviors that are dangerous to others.

 

[tomthebarncat]

I would cancel everything EXCEPT the celll phone. I feel no matter what mistakes my sons make, I would want them to be able to call me in an emergency.

TC

You do get one phone call from jail!

 

[hentob]

Okay...I agree with Bob NC...please don't infer that what your son is doing is typical. It's not.

I have to agree. It's that whole "Boys will be boys" mentality I don't go for it.

He is disrespectful. You have allowed him to treat you poorly. It has gone on for too long. Now you must undo what you have allowed to happen. You must get tougher.

Why you are paying for his phone or car insurance is beyond me You are rewarding him for treating you like dirt. You need to stop.

No car. No money. No phone (believe me, he won't be using it to call you )

I imagine it will be very rough on you He needs tough love right now. You CAN do it!