SIL Strikes Again.... VENT!

[Hoodie]

It sounds like there's a lot of background.

I had dinner with 5 other women on Saturday and were discussing in-laws. We came to agreement that at some point, immediate family of spouse and kids has to come before parents/in-laws and boundaries need to be drawn. My parents have always been very sensitive to "intruding" on our family. DH's father and step-mother have always been sensitive. DH's mother and sister have no boundaries. There were a couple of borderline incidents that DH and I discussed but they went by. All it took was one really crossing the border incident and DH spoke to both of them and laid out the guidelines. I'm sure I was not popular as the witch who made him stand up to them, but it had to be done.

It sounds like you may need to press DH to finally stand up to them. Even if it means that you declare that you are no longer comfortable with your children in their care and they cannot visit unless you are either supervising or give full approval. And make it DH's responsibility to convey that to your inlaws.

 

[Hannathy]

I see this a bit differently I guess.

As Moms it can be hard to keep in mind that the Dad is as much a parent as Mom and if he let this go then he gave his consent and it is not ok to undermine HIS place in the family by demanding everything be brought in front of you for review. Why assume he isn't manly enough to step in, maybe he was just fine with it?

Oh I agree with you and think I said this or at least was thinking it. It is his kid also. Maybe they did ask and HE said sure. He does have the right to make decisions about his childs care. If he said OK end of story. And really what is the big deal there was no harm done.

 

[TLSnell1981]

And when she tried to have the other child's hair chemically treated behind the OP's back, that was also because she caaaaares so much? And not because she's a meddling busybody who wants to take over parenting the OP's children?

Uh, SIL and MIL took the child to the hairdresser, without OP's permission. Yes, I personally believe, this is out of bounds. But, obviously, OP's DH is not saying no, or telling them to back off. He's also relaying every tidbit.
I still believe, OP is mad at the wrong person.

 

[dakcp2001]

OK, what does your licensure status have to do with the post and the information you replied with? Just saying I'm a mom with twins means a lot more to me in regards to this post?
I just find it funny how, on the dis, people love to say "I'm an RN". Just say it if it really pertains to what you are writing about!!

And to the OP - I think that you are perfectly capable of taking care of your childs ears with or without an RN license. Tell your SIL that she doesn't need to groom your children and tell your hubby that he needs to verbalize his concerns when stuff like this happens (if he really has them - or just said he did when he saw you flip). And there would be no way in hell that I'd let my kids go back to SIL or MIL house without me.

Sounds like sour grapes from someone without an RN to me. What is your position at this clinic you speak of?

And actually I do think mentioning that she is an RN is pertinent when discussing that a family member decided to peroxide her kids ear.

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

Uh, SIL and MIL took the child to the hairdresser, without OP's permission. Yes, I personally believe, this is out of bounds. But, obviously, OP's DH is not saying no, or telling them to back off. He's also relaying every tidbit.
I still believe, OP is mad at the wrong person.

Would it be out of bounds if DH was there? Or, would it be out of bounds if DH gave them permission to take her? As a mom, I'd be annoyed if it happened, but as long as DH knew about it and didn't consult me first then HE'S the one I'd be upset with, not my in-laws.

 

[dakcp2001]

Would it be out of bounds if DH was there? Or, would it be out of bounds if DH gave them permission to take her? As a mom, I'd be annoyed if it happened, but as long as DH knew about it and didn't consult me first then HE'S the one I'd be upset with, not my in-laws.

Me too. I think the husband is the issue here he was supposed to be watching his children. I woudl def be upset with SIL too but it really falls on DH.

 

[Scurvy]

I agree! If he just sat there while they cleaned her ear out then that was their permission to do so. He is the child's parent too, and if he acted like he didn't have a problem with it, then why would they have to ask you too? I think your placing the blame on the wrong people.

I see this a bit differently I guess. Think about it this way, would your DH flip his lid if you were at your families house and your Mom, sister or other relative stepped in to help care for your kids with you there?

As Moms it can be hard to keep in mind that the Dad is as much a parent as Mom and if he let this go then he gave his consent and it is not ok to undermine HIS place in the family by demanding everything be brought in front of you for review. Why assume he isn't manly enough to step in, maybe he was just fine with it?

This is between you and your husband, not you and your in-laws. It is so easy to diminish a father's place in raising kids and it's something that should be avoided at all costs IMHO. If no harm was done, and to me none was done, then this was just your husband's family fussing over their relatives and probably has zero to do with you. Now if you were there and they stomped all over you that would be different but that's not what happened.

My flame suit is on.

I agree completely with these posts. I don't think the sister-in-law did anything wrong, honestly. If my niece was visiting and her father was okay with something, it would never occur to me that I ought to also check with her mother as well before doing whatever it was. I think it's reasonable to assume that if one parent is okay with something, then it's okay (if the parents are a couple, at least; if they were divorced I guess I might feel differently about it).

OP, if your husband is allowing things that you don't approve of then he is the one you have a problem with. He is the child's father, after all. You can't blame other people for taking his apparent approval of something at face value. I think most people assume that checking with one parent is enough. It would be ridiculous for someone to insist on checking with the other parent after they apparently have approval from one parent, especially over something as simple as ear cleaning. Honestly, if I gave my permission for something involving my son and the person I had given permission to then insisted on checking with my husband as well, I would be angry and insulted. Of course my husband and I are on the same page when it comes to our child. It sounds like you need to communicate with your husband so the two of you are on the same page as well.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I guess you know to make sure your kids are well dressed with clean ears the next time they are hanging out with their aunt . I don't blame your husband for allowing the women to mess with your kids; that is what aunts and grandmas do when they see a child with a need. If your kid came to my house with wax dripping out of his ears and I was his aunt I may take the liberty to clean his ears. I would not use peroxide (as I am not familiar with its use in ears), but I may take a wash cloth and go after the wax actually coming out of the ears. I don't think your husband is a putz for sitting back and letting the ear maintenance happen, mine would have probably done the same thing.

It's not her SIL's business - unless the child is in physical harm from a lack of hygeine, SIL's needs to butt out. Why in the world would she take it upon herself to do that when the child's father was right there?!

 

[ols386]

Your husband should have said something. If he was there, why didn't he? It's his child too.

I would be more irritated with dh than SIL. Not saying SIL should have done it, but if your husband was right there, then I would blame him, if there is anyone to be blamed.

 

[sookie]

Sounds like sour grapes from someone without an RN to me. What is your position at this clinic you speak of?

And actually I do think mentioning that she is an RN is pertinent when discussing that a family member decided to peroxide her kids ear.

I'm a Advanced Practice Nurse, Certified Pediatric Nurse Practitioner!!!!!! Haha!! I'm just saying - people throw out there "RN" like its some big deal. Oh and I'm an 'RN" too... I just don't start all my posts out that way! I don't get why some people do!

I think her status and her experience as MOMMA is much more important!

 

[dakcp2001]

I think people post it when it is pertinent, as in this OP. I don't often see people stating it in posts where it is not pertinent. What other posts do you speak of?

 

[sookie]

I think people post it when it is pertinent, as in this OP. I don't often see people stating it in posts where it is not pertinent. What other posts do you speak of?

I even see it at the budget board! It is just weird to me - to throw out credentials. I guess I can see why the OP said it but to me - her status as momma gives her more input than her education and profession. You know what I mean??

 

[tlbwriter]

Her status as a mom means she (and her husband) are the ones who should have made this decision. But her status as an RN means she is aware of the required care of her child's ears and is capable of doing it, and is also aware of the consequences of unnecessary "care." Both are important to this story, IMHO.

 

[Nancyg56]

Why would she apply a "medication" to my child without first consulting me, knowing my background in healthcare. It was not an emergency situation. Sure anybody can take care of their child's ear (under the care of their pediatrician of course), it was more about her. She's using it like, I don't know what I'm doing "look she's a nurse and she can't even clean her own kids ears what do her patients look like". That's how she makes me feel....

I think that if you really want to have the answer you should ask your DH. He was there, he allowed the care, he should have participated in the conversation. Honestly, you are angry at your IL's but the person you need to talk to is your DH. Is he afraid of his family or is he afraid to be truthful with you? The child was with a parent and that parent allowed your SIl to clean the little one's ears.
If you do not want that to happen you need to speak to your DH but are you the one to make all of teh decisions regarding the kids or does he have any say?

Wow. Your dh didn't speak up because he's afraid of mommy and sissy? Seriously?

I'm going to say to you what I would say to my friends if they were relating this story:

Yeah, your SIL totally overstepped, but she's not your real problem.
Because I'd be way more angry with my dh over his spineless behavior than my SIL.

MITA that the perdon who the OP is angry with is the wrong person. I wonder if the Dad was spineless with his family or if he agreed and is spineless with his wife.

I see this a bit differently I guess. Think about it this way, would your DH flip his lid if you were at your families house and your Mom, sister or other relative stepped in to help care for your kids with you there?

As Moms it can be hard to keep in mind that the Dad is as much a parent as Mom and if he let this go then he gave his consent and it is not ok to undermine HIS place in the family by demanding everything be brought in front of you for review. Why assume he isn't manly enough to step in, maybe he was just fine with it?

This is between you and your husband, not you and your in-laws. It is so easy to diminish a father's place in raising kids and it's something that should be avoided at all costs IMHO. If no harm was done, and to me none was done, then this was just your husband's family fussing over their relatives and probably has zero to do with you. Now if you were there and they stomped all over you that would be different but that's not what happened.

My flame suit is on.

No flaming from me. i agree that the OP needs to discuss this with her husband and they need to decide what role he has in parenting decisions.

 

[twinglesmome]

Her status as a mom means she (and her husband) are the ones who should have made this decision. But her status as an RN means she is aware of the required care of her child's ears and is capable of doing it, and is also aware of the consequences of unnecessary "care." Both are important to this story, IMHO.

I agree.

I am just wondering what brought SIL to clean those ears? I would never think to clean my nephews' ears. OP: This was a dinner visit, right? Does SIL have children of her own?

 

[tlbwriter]

OP, do you know if your SIL actually asked her brother if she could treat his child's ears, or did she just scoop him up and do it?

 

[Christine]

I'm a Advanced Practice Nurse, Certified Pediatric Nurse Practitioner!!!!!! Haha!! I'm just saying - people throw out there "RN" like its some big deal. Oh and I'm an 'RN" too... I just don't start all my posts out that way! I don't get why some people do!

I think her status and her experience as MOMMA is much more important!

Because apparently nurses are supposed to be experts about medical procedures!

Look, I love nurses and would love my daughter to go into the field, but I have to say, on numerous occasions, some of the worst medical advice I've ever gotten were from some nurses (not criticizing ALL of them, just those few).

 

[LuvLDM]

SIL was out of line.
Dh seriously needs to grow a set if he is so afraid of his mom & sister to the point where he won't even assert his parental authority in matters of his child's care.

 

[mjkacmom]

Honestly, if one of my child's aunts cleaned out an ear, cut toenails, wiped buggers, combed his or her hair, more power to them. I'm am so bad about the nails - I just forget! And you are a brave soul if you decide to clean out ds's ears - gross! Of course, I love my IL's, and would never suspect an agenda - I'd just say thank you.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Honestly, if one of my child's aunts cleaned out an ear, cut toenails, wiped buggers, combed his or her hair, more power to them. I'm am so bad about the nails - I just forget! And you are a brave soul if you decide to clean out ds's ears - gross! Of course, I love my IL's, and would never suspect an agenda - I'd just say thank you.