Shower gift? Am I overreacting?

[Debbie Jean]

Am I the only person who wants to know what she has listed in her registry???? Think there might be anything that cost less than the postage it would take to send it???

I vote with the folks who think it's tacky and crass But it sounds like it isn't a first for her family!

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

I would call her and act totally confused... "Um, I am not sure what you meant by this card that i just received. I don't recall getting an invitation to the shower... If I had gotten one, I would surely be there, etc.

 

[okeydokey]

Total gift grab, with the reminder to get off your duff and HURRY because the due date is fast approaching and your gift will be late if you don't act NOW!

 

[ceecee]

I would send a nice card or note stating congratulations. Enclose a note stating "I never received an invitation to your shower. Have a good time... "

I agree, no gift. It is rude to send a registry if you aren't inviting the person to the shower. Even if she assumed you wouldn't come. Send a card and say the invitation must have gotten lost in the mail because you didn't receive it.

 

[luvmy3]

It sounds like you were not invited to the shower, maybe because you live out of town, but she still wants you to send her something before her due date, which is coming up soon. Definitely rude.

I don't think putting registry info in an invitation is rude, but its definitely rude to just send someone your registry info and expect them to send you something when you aren't inviting them to your shower. I'd send a card that says congrats on your pregnancy and leave it at that.

 

[kaytieeldr]

No, wait! Even better! Call her in a huge panic, asking for the address where your invitation was actually sent - because it's obvious now that someone has stolen your identity and the police need this information so they can track down the perpetrator!!!! You KNOW this because that person declined the shower invitation on your behalf, i.e. impersonating you, and you've already been to the police about it!

 

[torinsmom]

I think it was rude to send the registry information without an invitation. I don't think it would have been ride with the invitation. Usually baby shower invitations have a space to write where the mother to be is registered. I would not send an invitation to people who live to far away to attend; instead I would send an announcement after the baby was born, but I would NOT send registry information with that.

As far as a bride to be requesting no perfume, I think that is a great way to avoid trouble. Many people will bathe in perfume when attending weddings and such and I would hate for the bride to have an asthma attack because of that. I don't think some people realize that if someone who is not right beside you can smell your perfume, it is too much. You also should not leave a scent path that someone can follow thirty minutes later,LOL

Marsha

 

[cats mom]

DH thinks I'm out of line with my reaction to sort of a shower gift reqest that I got in the mail today from a relative. What do you think?

Handwritten note from relative expecting first child in another state with a registry card inside for babysRus:

Sorry you can't make it to my shower. (never was invited) Know I am thinking of you! My due date is______ and that date is coming quickly.

Love,
Rude Relative

First of all, I think it's rude to not send us an invitation in the first place.

I'm torn on this one. Personally I think only very close relatives and friends should be invited to a shower. For those who rarely interact with the mother-to-be, especially when they live out of state, I think waiting and just sending a birth announcement is much more appropriate. It doesn't sound like you're particularly close, so I wouldn't feel bad about not receiving a shower invitation.

However, it seems the new rule of thumb is that it's OK to invite anyone and everyone the bride-to-be or mom-to-be has ever come in contact with to the shower (which works well if you're going for gift count, and it sounds like your relative is all about gift count) so in that case, yes you should have received an invite.

Second, it's rude to send out a registry card unless I asked her what she wanted.

I agree! Including a registry card in a note demanding a gift, and before her due date no less, was flat out rude.

Third, she never speaks to us or visits and that is why she had to tell us her due date. I told DH that she is the height of rudeness and there is no way I'm sending her anything! What wouold you do?

I might send a congratulatory card acknowleging receipt of her note. katieeldr's message works.
Then when (if) you receive a proper baby announcement, I'd send a gift... but I'd make sure it was something that was not on her registry. (but I can be a tad bit snarky that way)

 

[swissfamilyrobinson]

DH thinks I'm out of line with my reaction to sort of a shower gift reqest that I got in the mail today from a relative. What do you think?

Handwritten note from relative expecting first child in another state with a registry card inside for babysRus:

Sorry you can't make it to my shower. (never was invited) Know I am thinking of you! My due date is______ and that date is coming quickly.

Love,
Rude Relative



First of all, I think it's rude to not send us an invitation in the first place. Second, it's rude to send out a registry card unless I asked her what she wanted. Third, she never speaks to us or visits and that is why she had to tell us her due date. I told DH that she is the height of rudeness and there is no way I'm sending her anything! What wouold you do?

I think I'd send a nice card and say "Congratulations - so happy for you all!" And that's it!

 

[fakereadhed]

I meant I thought it was rude not to send an invite, and then say sorry you can't come. I didn't expect an invitation to the shower at all. I would have sent a gift anyway(was planning to) because any new baby in the family is a joyous celebration. And I will but will definitely wait until the baby is born. Don't want to send a message that this tactic works. Love the card idea- I will send one soon...the due date is fast approaching!

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Never, ever include a registry card in an invite - tacky and rude!

I have never had a problem finding out where someone is registered - either ask when you RSVP or search online. For babies - usually babiesrus or target. For weddings there are more choices - but if you type the name in on theknot.com you can usually get a list of stores where the couple is registered.

I would be embarrassed if one of the shower hosts included those little cards.

OP - send a nice card.

 

[kathie859]

Under these circumstances, I'd do nothing right now; however, after the baby has arrived, I MAY send a congratulatory card I wouldn't waste much time over this. If you receive a birth announcement, I would definitely send a card.

 

[Mrs D]

Your reaction to this 'note' is exactly what mine would have been. If by chance you were invited and didn't respond the appropriate action is to call the invited guest to confirm if they are attending or not (which opens up a whole other topic of lack of etiquette for RSVPs).
I would send a "showers of love" card wishing them well as they wait for baby's arrival. Then upon receiving a birth announcement another card and perhaps a gift card if you so choose.

I do not feel the need to send a gift to every occasion I am invited to if not attending. My DH has a large extended family and we are frequently invited to events mainly due to the connection with my in-laws, not because we are close to or even see the Guest of Honor on a regular basis.
Now if it was a close relative or a dear fiend and I couldn't attend I would most certainly send a gift.

This is obviously not the case here and I would not participate in this gift grab!

 

[Ciao Mickey]

I obviously don't know this person, but if it is a fairly normal person, it seems like you might be over reacting a bit. Is it possible you were invited and the invitation was lost?

Maybe it is regional, but I don't think it is rude to tell somebody if/where you are registered. Telling somebody about a registry is not demanding a gift, it is like saying "hey, if you are thinking about a gift, here are suggestions." I personally like to get that sort of information so I know what somebody wants rather than feeling like I have to guess and hope they don't already have six of what I chose. If she had written exactly what you were to send, or told you the amount she expects you to spend on the registry- that would be a different story.
It also doesn't seem odd to me to mention when you are due. I work with my immediate family and last time I was pregnant I got asked "when are you due again?" almost daily from the moment I was showing up until the day he was born. Most people don't remember somebody else's due date and maybe she is just aware of the fact that other people's lives don't revolve around tracking what is going on with her.

I would at least send a congratulating card. The shower is about giving to that child, not the mother. Even if you think my perspective is stupid and are upset with the mom, that really isn't the baby's fault and I don't think you mean to give the message that the baby is unwelcome. My daughter's room is full of personalized books and tokens that are useless to me but remind her that people loved her from the start. She is now 7 and she really appreciates it. I still have books from the shower when my mom was expecting me. Plus, if she rubbed a lot of people the wrong way- you might be the only one to send anything to that baby...

Why would you send your registry information to someone who obviously was not invited to the baby shower and didn't ask for the information?

Your theory of a *lost* invitation doesn't make sense. The pregnant one would have had to send out an invite in order for her to get a response.

So unless someone else received her invitation and responded for her, the *pregnant one* is totally rude and I would ignore her and her grab for gifts.

FYI, just because you receive an invitation or an announcement to whatever doesn't mean you have to send a gift or card if you don't attend.

 

[PrncesKMW]

There is NOTHING I hate worse than people who register for every life event and make it YOUR burden to buy them something. If you are invited to an event to share in their happiness, by all means get a gift. If not, I would do what others suggest - send a note congratulating her and say how much you would have like to have been invited to the shower!

Of course, this is coming from the girl who has been to SIX weddings so far this summer

 

[buckler]

So rude- My first instinct would be to trash it.

If you really don't have anything to do with this family, and this is the way they are, I would send a nice gift when the baby is born along with a very nice book on ettiquete for the mom! This way she can break the cycle and teach her child some manners!

This is what I was going to post but you beat me to it.

 

[bumbershoot]

She could be completely confused, and might *think* she got a response from you. I mean, how many times did I find my keys in the fridge, or a refrigerated item in a cupboard, while I was pregnant? I have a friend who burned out countless pots and pans by going to boil water and forgetting about them entirely, while pregnant.

Of course, it doesn't seem *likely*, but it's *possible*.

For the person that asked if she gives nice gifts, I have never in my life reveived a gift from her.

So why are you sending any to her? (and I consider a present for the baby to be a present that the parents didn't have to buy, therefore they are presents for their checkbook, at the very least) Probably time to just stop the presents, since they don't reciprocate.

 

[burberryplaid]

It's rude! If the registry card were sent with an invitation that would be fine, but to send a note with the card is just obscene! I wouldn't even bother with a response, especially since you aren't close!

 

[dclfun]

I'd send nothing. First of all, IMO it's rude to invite someone to a baby shower who lives in another state. You know they can't attend and as such, it seems to me like asking for a gift. This follow-up card you received is presumptuous and rude. The baby will get by just fine, I'm sure, without a gift from you. We had one set of relatives with four kids and we also had four. While we weren't really close to this family, we sent each of their children a check for their graduation. Their parents, on the other hand, sent a gift to my older daughters but when it was my two sons turn, they got nothing-I guess because their kids had already graduated so there would be no need for me to reciprocate again, perhaps? I agree with what others have said. *IF* you get a birth announcement, send a small, personal gift if you want to celebrate the birth. I'd never respond to the request for a shower gift though when it was sent this way. I'm not going to be made to feel guilty or responsible to provide for someone who cannot be courteous to me.---Kathy

 

[DisneyShannon]

I once got a invite to a wedding shower and they marked on there exactly what they wanted us to bring. I quickly chucked it in the trash and did not go or buy them anything.

P.S farereadhed I love your avatar.