Shower gift? Am I overreacting?

[kaytieeldr]

Anyway, I would say maybe "placenta brain" had gotten the best of her and she forgot to send the invite.

You're far more generous and forgiving than I. "Placenta brain" might be to blame... except that the mom-to-be was lucid enough to sense, without any kind of response to an invitation (sent or not ) that the OP would be unable to come to the shower.

 

[rparmfamily]

I'd ignore the card and send a gift when the baby arrives. But I like buying baby stuff.

I would throw out the registry card and get what you want LOL.

 

[kimbo0569]

I agree, that is tacky and rude. When the baby is born, you can send a card (and a gift, if you want). Since she doesn't live near you, I would either send diapers, stuff or even just a gift card for Target/Babies R Us. That way she can get her own stuff, whatever she didn't get on her registry.

 

[LovableGluttons]

OP does this relative buy you nice gifts

 

[PaulaSue]

File it in the trash

 

[kaytieeldr]

Generic or baby or baby shower card with hand-written message:

"Sorry you weren't able to invite me to your shower. Know I am thinking of you as your due date fast approaches. Congratulations!"

 

[Mrs. Charming]

DH thinks I'm out of line with my reaction to sort of a shower gift reqest that I got in the mail today from a relative. What do you think?

Handwritten note from relative expecting first child in another state with a registry card inside for babysRus:

Sorry you can't make it to my shower. (never was invited) Know I am thinking of you! My due date is______ and that date is coming quickly.

Love,
Rude Relative



First of all, I think it's rude to not send us an invitation in the first place. Second, it's rude to send out a registry card unless I asked her what she wanted. Third, she never speaks to us or visits and that is why she had to tell us her due date. I told DH that she is the height of rudeness and there is no way I'm sending her anything! What wouold you do?

Yeah, totally rude. Chuck it. I wouldn't even dignify it with a response.

 

[gillenkl]

Second, it's rude to send out a registry card unless I asked her what she wanted.

I rarely receive a wedding or shower invitation that doesn't include a registry card. It's common practice within my circle and wouldn't be considered rude.

I think the wording of your invitation was out of line - however, I would just forget about it. If you don't want to attend then don't and if you don't want to send a gift - don't do that either. I would send a card of congratulations card when the baby is born - no gift.

 

[Tink-aholic]

Maybe I'm missing something here, but it is possible she didn't do the inviting at all. In fact, not only possible, but likely. Where I grew up, the guest of honor of a shower (bridal or baby) wasn't supposed to host it herself. If she supplied OP's name to the person giving the shower and THAT person assumed OP wouldn't come because she is another state...then what else is mom-to-be going to think if OP isn't actually at the shower?

I'm just giving the benefit of the doubt to the new mom.

OP, do whatever feels right to you.

 

[Stitch And Friends]

I find it rude for the reason that a registry card was included in the note - if you were sent an invitiation, the registry card is usually included in the note (at least in my area, not sure if this is handled differently in other parts of the country). Typically if you are invited to a shower, you are expected to send a gift even if you don't go. However if you are not invited to shower, I have never heard of someone flat out requesting a gift. Now while I find it rude, I'm the type of person that would end up feeling guilty since I was asked for a gift I would send a card and a gift card for a small amount to the store that the registry is from, or I would go to Target/WalMart/etc and find a small gift on a clearance rack. While I would feel the need to send that gift, I wouldn't send anything substantial since I was not invited to the shower.
Side note, someone mentioned maybe the relative did not do the inviting - I would agree that is most likely the case since any shower I have been too (wedding or baby) was given by family/friends and they handled invitations. However any one I have been invovled in planning, the person the shower was for supplied a list of people they would like to have at the shower and I never encountered a situation where we did not invite someone on that list. So I would think the relative should have had the opportunity to say they wanted you invited? For my own bridal shower I provided a list of my family/friends/coworkers as well as the same for my husbands side that I felt should be included even though I did not plan the shower or send out the invitations.

 

[fakereadhed]

I rarely receive a wedding or shower invitation that doesn't include a registry card. It's common practice within my circle and wouldn't be considered rude.

I don't have a problem with registry cards in shower invitations. It's a good thing! But they are usually sent by the person throwing the shower, not by the person it's for.

 

[dvcgirl]

It's rude. Your relative is trolling for a shower gift. And then when the "baby announcement" comes a lot of people (this woman for sure) expect another gift.

I'd skip the shower gift and then send a small gift when the baby is born.

 

[fakereadhed]

Generic or baby or baby shower card with hand-written message:

"Sorry you weren't able to invite me to your shower. Know I am thinking of you as your due date fast approaches. Congratulations!"

I love that!

For the person that asked if she gives nice gifts, I have never in my life reveived a gift from her.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I love that!

For the person that asked if she gives nice gifts, I have never in my life reveived a gift from her.

Thanks! It's complete and proper etiquette - about which we've all gotten lax over the years.

The proper way to respond to any invitation is in the same wording in which it was issued. All I did was take the self-entitled brat's* words and rephrase them into the properly-worded response

*She IS

 

[sookie]

I'll give you the two things I would have done (picked from).
My initial reaction would be to just trash it and not mention it to the family - ignore it. It does seem like it is just begging for gifts.
If they really wanted you at the shower, you would have gotten an invite and a follow up call if you didn't rsvp.

If I really, really wanted to be the bigger person - or if it was somebody I did come into contact with on a somewhat frequent basis (such as family you see a couple times each year or when out and about)... I would have responded with a really nice card and MAYBE a small childrens book with a note to the baby written in it.

 

[sookie]

Generic or baby or baby shower card with hand-written message:

"Sorry you weren't able to invite me to your shower. Know I am thinking of you as your due date fast approaches. Congratulations!"

THIS !!!!! is perfect!!!!

 

[badblackpug]

Actually, it is a breach of etiquette to include registry information in an invitation. I can't even classify how bad a breach of etiquette it is to include registry information in a "you weren't invited" note. Especially when the note comes from the mother to be herself! I would send a congratulatory card when the baby is born.

 

[CTdiznymom]

So rude- My first instinct would be to trash it.

If you really don't have anything to do with this family, and this is the way they are, I would send a nice gift when the baby is born along with a very nice book on ettiquete for the mom! This way she can break the cycle and teach her child some manners!

 

[PottersMom]

I can see where you're coming from if this person is always doing things like this. However, she probably wasn't throwing her own shower. It usually is left up to the mom, sister, best-friend of the expecting mom. THat person is probably the one who didn't invite you. (I love the It's My Birthday story!)
I agree that it's silly to invite people who live very far away- especially if you never talk to them.
I would wonder though, is it DH relatives, or yours? I wouldn't want to embarass him by ignoring it altogether, if they are "his people" even if they were rude. If they were my relatives, different story-maybe.
Nowadays companies (like Target, for example) tell you to include the registry info with the invite. I am torn on this. I think it depends. I purposely asked my sister not to send registry info to people unless they asked for it. SHe invited people who live out of state, even though we knew they wouldn't make it. I didn't want to seem like I just wanted a gift. They knew we were expecting anyway. I went the announcement route.
I agree with the pp's who say take the high road to a certain extent. Sounds like you have been doing that for a while! I think a congrats will be fine, with a request to be sent an announcement when the baby arrives. Then you can decide to send a gift or not.
At least it makes a good story, right

 

[wdwfan16]

You are overreacting. If you don't want to send anything then don't.