Should we have a right to make passes at strangers?

[Acklander]

Rude comments have been around forever. Ask any girl who has walked past a construction site. Personally, when I've heard a rude comment, I've just ignored it and kept on walking.
Not sure why it was worth a big confrontation from either side and don't understand why it was worth an article. Definitely not news worthy.

 

[The_Alice]

IMO both guys are in the wrong. The remark was rude and the response was over the top. The whole instance is such stupidity I don't know why the debate.

Don't call someone an expletive and honestly don't think that just because you state openly you would sleep with someone (or not kick them out of bed whatever) that this will be taken necessarily as a compliment no matter the gender.

 

[FireDancer]

I guess my thought is that a lewd comment made to a stranger (as opposed to a sincere compliment) is always an insult. Lewd remarks certainly don't show respect and admiration, so I don't consider them "compliments". And I don't see why anyone should be required to feel grateful for a lewd remark.

Perhaps that is the disconnect. If someone yells a lewd comment at me I take it as a compliment and don't get offended or anything like that no matter how uninterested in the person yelling it I am. It just seems like a waste to put so much negative energy into what someone yelled at me.

 

[hambirg]

I somehow doubt that if Dan had been Danielle and made a comment like that (which frankly was no big deal), that the guy would have wanted to beat her up. It was all about cute guy being afraid that a gay guy commenting on him would mean that OMIGODTHEHORROR he might be gay too. And of course, the way you prove you're not gay is by beating a gay guy up.

Maybe. And I suspect you are right. But. . .let's be honest, nobody likes unwanted sexual advances. . .no matter the cast of characters. The key word being "unwanted".

I used to go out after work sometimes with coworkers to this neighborhood bar. There was a very out, butch type lesbian that used to be in there frequently. When she was intoxicated she could get very forward, rubbing my back and stroking my hair. At some point, I had to get a little angry with her to get her to stop. I don't think that makes me homophobic. I would react the same way to a man's unwanted advances.

Idk the answers here. But again, when you and your buddies have been out drinking and you start making lewd comments to strangers, who in all likelihood have been drinking too, the chances that something like this might happen are not unusual regardless of sexual orientation.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

It doesn't matter if a male or female hits on me, it's a compliment and should be taken as such. Sure some compliments/comments are a little over the top, but I just shrug them off, nothing to get physical about.

Sounds like some people are very insecure, either about their sexuality or just life in general and need to look more into themself then display their insecurity towards others.

 

[dngnb8]

Being gay does not forgive the behavior. If he said that to my wife, I would respond in kind.

Just because youre attracted to someone, doesnt mean you can be rude to them.

He could have easily made the comment to his buds out of ear shot.

My best friend is gay, and he makes comments about guys to me all the time. He does it out of their ear shot, and in a conversational tone. I do the same about the females. I dont blurt out

Hey Baybee, lets play circus!


I would tell him, she is the type I would play circus with, but SHE wouldnt hear me.

This is about respect for others, or lack there of.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

I used to go out after work sometimes with coworkers to this neighborhood bar. There was a very out, butch type lesbian that used to be in there frequently. When she was intoxicated she could get very forward, rubbing my back and stroking my hair. At some point, I had to get a little angry with her to get her to stop. I don't think that makes me homophobic. I would react the same way to a man's unwanted advances.

There is a difference between being physically touched and having someone say something like "nice $#!."

 

[tlbwriter]

It doesn't matter if a male or female hits on me, it's a compliment and should be taken as such.

Maybe it depends on your definition of "hitting on you." Does it mean indicating you'd like to get together with someone (that's what I thought) or simply a comment on your attractiveness? Which of these do you consider someone "hitting on you?"

Would you like to go out sometime?
Wow, you're really cute.
Nice bod.
Hey, I'd like to do that (not spoken to you, but at you as you walk by).

To me, the first two are "hitting on you," the third is borderline, and the last is simply a lewd comment. I think I'd have to be desperate for attention, honestly, to consider it a compliment. It wouldn't make me angry; I wouldn't actually give it a second thought. But I certainly wouldn't walk away with a warm fuzzy feeling because some random stranger remarked to someone else that he'd like to do me.

 

[dngnb8]

It doesn't matter if a male or female hits on me, it's a compliment and should be taken as such. Sure some compliments/comments are a little over the top, but I just shrug them off, nothing to get physical about.

Sounds like some people are very insecure, either about their sexuality or just life in general and need to look more into themself then display their insecurity towards others.

I disagree. Compliments acknowledge respect. If someone hits on you without respect, it is far from a complement. In fact, it is quite the opposite.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

Maybe it depends on your definition of "hitting on you." Does it mean indicating you'd like to get together with someone (that's what I thought) or simply a comment on your attractiveness? Which of these do you consider someone "hitting on you?"

Would you like to go out sometime?
Wow, you're really cute.
Nice bod.
Hey, I'd like to do that (not spoken to you, but at you as you walk by).

To me, the first two are "hitting on you," the third is borderline, and the last is simply a lewd comment. I think I'd have to be desperate for attention, honestly, to consider it a compliment. It wouldn't make me angry; I wouldn't actually give it a second thought. But I certainly wouldn't walk away with a warm fuzzy feeling because some random stranger remarked to someone else that he'd like to do me.

I would take each of these as a compliment in terms of someone thinking I'm attractive. Now do I think some of these are less than subtle and somewhat crude, absolutely, but not harmful.

 

[indimom]

I think this thread proves the case....not everyone sees a "comment" the same way. What one person considers a compliment, others see as offensive and lewd.

So, for your own safety, if you are going to be out at 2 a.m., in an area where lots of people have been drinking for hours, you might want to watch what you say to strangers.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

I disagree. Compliments acknowledge respect. If someone hits on you without respect, it is far from a complement. In fact, it is quite the opposite.

Compliments are acknowledging another's appreciation of something, sure there can be an implied respect, but it's not a mandate.

 

[Magpie]

I used to go out after work sometimes with coworkers to this neighborhood bar. There was a very out, butch type lesbian that used to be in there frequently. When she was intoxicated she could get very forward, rubbing my back and stroking my hair. At some point, I had to get a little angry with her to get her to stop. I don't think that makes me homophobic. I would react the same way to a man's unwanted advances.

I'm curious... would you allow a man in a bar to rub your back and stroke your hair? Or would have cut the flirtation short before it got to the point of physical contact?

 

[hambirg]

There is a difference between being physically touched and having someone say something like "nice $#!."

True. But my point is that unwanted is unwanted. When Dan made the comment, the "cute" guy has every right to say F U. They could have left it right there. But IMHO, Dan was the one that egged it on by making the next comment. It's the same as me telling this girl no, but then having her continue. At some point it irritates you.

I think this thread proves the case....not everyone sees a "comment" the same way. What one person considers a compliment, others see as offensive and lewd.

So, for your own safety, if you are going to be out at 2 a.m., in an area where lots of people have been drinking for hours, you might want to watch what you say to strangers.

 

[ilovemk76]

I think the simple answer is that he should have kept his comments to himself and none of it would have happened.

The gay guy had numbers with him when he said it. He never expected one guy to take on the 4-5 of them there were. When the odds changed he got the heck out of dodge.

This is not a issue of gay bashing but of a gay acting badly.

 

[ilovemk76]

I'm curious... would you allow a man in a bar to rub your back and stroke your hair? Or would have cut the flirtation short before it got to the point of physical contact?

Did you miss this sentence? "I would react the same way to a man's unwanted advances. "

 

[hambirg]

I'm curious... would you allow a man in a bar to rub your back and stroke your hair? Or would have cut the flirtation short before it got to the point of physical contact?

My point is that I DO attempt to cut the flirtation before it gets to physical contact, but some people (whether male or female), especially when drunk, don't seem to get the hint. And at that point, yeah, people tend to get a little irritated.

So, relating to this article. I see it like the comment was a come on, the guy saying F U was his way of showing it was unwanted. It all could have ended right there. But Dan is kind of like the drunk that doesn't get the point and keeps it going. Does that make any sense?

 

[joyjoy]

I don't enjoy lewd comments directed at me by a stranger on the street, but I don't consider them fighting words, either.

Women have known for centuries that the proper response to such a comment is no response at all -- not a word, not a wince, not a gesture. You just act like you didn't hear it, and that takes all the power out of it. Men have generally not learned this lesson properly, as being on the receiving end of sexual commentary on the street is largely a new phenomenon for them, relatively speaking.

My reaction to ANYONE who implies that they find me attractive is a certain amount of feeling flattered, but I have the sense not to react to it in any way if I don't want to deal with the question of whether the admiration is mutual. That is how it is done.

Dan needs to learn better manners, but the object of his admiration needs to get over himself.

I agree with this 100%. Too bad the cute guy can't be more of a woman and learn to just ignore the remarks made by that lout, Dan. The fact that it would have been a different outcome if a woman had looked Mr. Cute Guy up and down and said "I'll have me some of that!" or the apparent Canadian equivalent "I'm not angry about that!", makes the whole situation absolutely a gay thing. Cute Guy became outraged only because it was a man that made the comment and reacted like an animal to prove, I guess, that there is no way he could be gay.

Anyway. Drunk comments very rarely instigate an intelligent, heart-felt, two way conversation. Which makes me wonder... what would a gay man do if a drunk woman made a comment about what a hunka hunka burnin' love HE is, in front of his friends?

 

[Magpie]

Did you miss this sentence? "I would react the same way to a man's unwanted advances. "

No, I didn't miss that. But I was curious to know if "unwanted advances" were defined differently according to the sex of the person making them.

I know women who would accept another woman touching their hair - even if she's gay - but would (metaphorically) remove the hand of a man who tried the same move.

My point is that I DO attempt to cut the flirtation before it gets to physical contact, but some people, especially when drunk, don't seem to get the hint. And at that point, yeah, people tend to get a little irritated.

So, relating to this article. I see it like the comment was a come on, the guy saying F U was his way of showing it was unwanted. It all could have ended right there. But Dan is kind of like the drunk that doesn't get the point and keeps it going. Does that make any sense?

Oh, it makes perfect sense and I'm not disagreeing with you.

I was just curious to know if you let women get physically closer to you than men. I know my guard is a lot more up with men, than it is with women. I once had a lady working her way down into the back of my jeans before I realized she was being more than just friendly. Then she was annoyed at ME because she said I should have let her know she was wasting her time sooner!

Apparently I have no gay-dar...

 

[hambirg]

No, I didn't miss that. But I was curious to know if "unwanted advances" were defined differently according to the sex of the person making them.

I know women who would accept another woman touching their hair - even if she's gay - but would (metaphorically) remove the hand of a man who tried the same move.



Oh, it makes perfect sense and I'm not disagreeing with you.

I was just curious to know if you let women get physically closer to you than men. I know my guard is a lot more up with men, than it is with women. I once had a lady working her way down into the back of my jeans before I realized she was being more than just friendly. Then she was annoyed at ME because she said I should have let her know she was wasting her time sooner!

Apparently I have no gay-dar...

Actually, no. I think I'm kind of weird that way. I tend to be a lesbian magnet. And I have more male friends than female. So it's not unusual to have a male friend rub my back even though it's not sexual. I think at my age and my male friends ages (old ), it's still kind of a nice male/female contact even though it's not a come on. But with women, I'm more suspicious. If that makes any sense.