Should I not be upset?

[denisem]

I just want to say that I am not a 'nagging wife'. My DH goes to his friends house every Sunday I know this because he and my DS both tell me this. He also goes to the gym with them at 5am in the morning (sometimes they will go in the evening) around 5 days a week. He also goes out with his friends at other times to play pool, have a drink, go to the casino etc. The only thing I told him is that on Sunday's I would wish he spent some 1 on 1 time with DS. Other than that I don't bother him where his friends are concerned. So I don't feel like asking for one full day together is too much at all! I work retail and I very well may not have another Sunday off till after the holidays!!!

I was very clear to him when I told him that I wanted to spend the whole day together, not just the afternoon. We had no set plans except to get that chair which took a matter of minutes. I also specifically said whatever we decided to do I didn't want to make plans with his friends. I am just tired of feeling that I am an inconvenience to him... For example at night if I want to watch tv in the bedroom he complains bc I am interfering with his time to play xbox with the guys!

Maybe he should just move in with his BFF... I'm sure we would all be happier!

Thanks for providing some more details. If facts are as stated, you may want to have (what my ex-boss used to call) a "Come to Jesus" meeting with your DH to work out a compromise to resolve these issues, enlisting the help of a counselor if necessary. Unfortunately, they rarely go away by themselves.

Although I know posters get upset with being asked details, it serves a purpose in giving a clearer picture of the situation. Reason being, I've had friends/relatives in similar situations - however, on closer examination, one was unappreciated/being taken advantage of by her DH, yet another an uber-controlling, spoiled brat. Most people fall somewhere inbetween.

This is why online opinions go all over the spectrum.

Best wishes to you.

 

[JVelasquez]

But maybe it's because you don't HAVE to.


Maybe you don't have an unreasonable partner.

That's my point!

I have a dear friend that was in a very abusive marriage (she got out, she's fine, no worries) but yeah, she had to lie because the consequences didn't match the offense. . .mostly it couldn't even be considered an offense. I don't think the DH wanting to spend a few hours with his buddy without his son is an unreasonable thing, especially if he's working 6 days a week. If the DW thinks that it's horrible he didn't spend all 24 hours with her without being mad. . .yeah, I think she's being a little unreasonable. Even if she told him that's what she wants, maybe that's not what he wanted. It doesn't necessarily make him a bad husband, just one that knows to avoid a fight.

So OP, if your DH had just said. .. Nope, don't want to spend this morning with you and the son. . .what would have been your reaction?

I would be upset/hurt like I am now. I have maybe 1 out of every 6 Sunday's off with him... That leave him to spend 5 out of 6 Sundays doing whatever he pleases. Why can't we spend one day as a family???? Our DS and I are obviously not as important as his friends. Maybe next time I should just ask if he can try to fit us in for and hr or two.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

I didn't say it was retaliation - what I said was the the PP said that you repect each other needs/desires - and this apparently (in THIS forum) only goes one way.

I'm confused, who's needs/desires are you talking about? The one who asked for him to spend time with her and the son or the one who went off for several hours to get a haircut that didn't happen with a buddy and didn't show up home until the day was half over?

You could reverse that to the guy wanting to do something together and the mom taking off with her friend for the day and it would still be rude, insulting, and childishly selfish.

 

[JVelasquez]

Thanks for providing some more details. If facts are as stated, you may want to have (what my ex-boss used to call) a "Come to Jesus" meeting with your DH to work out a compromise to resolve these issues, enlisting the help of a counselor if necessary. Unfortunately, they rarely go away by themselves.

Although I know posters get upset with being asked details, it serves a purpose in giving a clearer picture of the situation. Reason being, I've had friends/relatives in similar situations - however, on closer examination, one was unappreciated/being taken advantage of by her DH, yet another an uber-controlling, spoiled brat. Most people fall somewhere inbetween.

This is why online opinions go all over the spectrum.

Best wishes to you.

I've mentioned it but he is like a stubborn child throwing a tantrum saying 'well I'm not going to say anything!' or 'it's not going to do anything, I don't know what you expect to get out of it.'

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Here's the thing.

If I asked my dh to spend the day with me and the kids and he skipped out for a 4 hour haircut with his "friend" and on top of that came back with his hair not cut....well the "conversation" we'd be having would be a LOT more trouble for him than if he'd just said "no. I have plans with my conjoined twin." to begin with.

So lying and ditching to avoid an argument...not gonna work.

What he did is little boy behavior, not man behavior.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

That pretty much makes my point.

What point is that? That even tho he has 5 out of 6 Sundays to do whatever the heck he wants, he shouldn't be expected to spend time with his wife and son?

 

[denisem]

Not germane to the OP, but I've also witnessed picture perfect "no lies, no cheating" relationships get blindsided - hence the terms "7 Year Itch" and "mid-life crisis".

 

[JVelasquez]

Not germane to the OP, but I've also witnessed picture perfect "no lies, no cheating" relationships get blindsided - hence the terms "7 Year Itch" and "mid-life crisis".

Maybe that's what is happening now... The 7 year itch... It will be 7 years since we 1st started dating in November.

 

[okeydokey]

I've mentioned it but he is like a stubborn child throwing a tantrum saying 'well I'm not going to say anything!' or 'it's not going to do anything, I don't know what you expect to get out of it.'

If you feel you are getting nowhere with the two of you trying to talk about things, can you bring in a counselor of some kind? You sound so sad, I hope you can work things out. You deserve good things too.

 

[denisem]

I've mentioned it but he is like a stubborn child throwing a tantrum saying 'well I'm not going to say anything!' or 'it's not going to do anything, I don't know what you expect to get out of it.'

Perhaps you may have to go on your own and get some insight, options & suggestions from a professional who deals with this every day. Wish I could offer more than - you aren't the first & you aren't alone.

 

[Imzadi]

I'm not sure what the quotes were for. Did Chaz Bono chime in?

Sorry, but I'd be mad too. It's my only day off in a long time, and DH goes off with a so-called friend to get a so-called haircut TOGETHER??! What guy here on the DIS would wait 90 FREAKING MINUTES to get his hair cut?

It's the DIS. Anything is possible.

Its not only the guys who agree with you. I think the most pertinant phrase was she told him she how she wanted to spend time on sunday not asked. Women seem to want men to be their best female friends and they will never be that. Yes men do think and act differently to women (good job with the he is out of you sight he must be cheeting brigade!) next time the op wants to spend the weekend day with husband discuss it ask what they can do not just tell him and expect him to behave like a lap dog.

The OP had said, "I didn't care what we did today as long as we were all together." So the DH did have a say in what they would do.

Although, picking up a rocker, and a foot stool doesn't sound like the most fun way to spend a family day together. More like using DH for his muscles, depending on how heavy the rocker is.

To me, this is the bottom line. It sounds like the OP told her husband that she'd like to spend the day together, and it doesn't sound like he disagreed. So, what he was doing on his time off (and no, I don't suspect an affair) isn't really the issue. It's the fact that she said she'd like to spend the day with him, he either agreed or said nothing (and in this case, I'd say silence implies consent), and then he simply blew her off with some pretty flimsy excuses. If he didn't want to spend the day with his wife and son, he should have said so, instead of acquiescing and then disappearing. That's a pretty immature way to handle the situation and I hope none of our MANLY MEN (no quotes!) here would do that.

See the quote above. She didn't say "I'd like to spend SOME time together." She told him she wanted to spend the whole day together. He has a right to decline, but he needs to man up and use his words instead of just running off.

Basically she & DS weren't a priority and neither were her feelings. Nor is being truthful and precise in HIS communications to her.

That was NOT my implication at all. I meant good to hear from a male point of view instead of it all being one sided.

I got what she meant. I say, "You guys," all the time on threads, even though I know most of the posters are women. Robin was just pointing out that she really meant guys and not guys as a form of speech.

Clearly, he cannot quit his BFF. He can, however, ditch his wife in a heartbeat. Again, it just shows where his priorities are.

Clear communication is a wonderful thing.

What are you saying?

Apparently my husband is a lap dog and I never realized it! We spend the day together often. He is my friend. And lots of time I tell him how I want us to spend the day. In fact, just yesterday I told him I want us to spend the day geocaching on his next off Friday. Of course, he told me that he was thinking we could go biking on our greenway that day, so if I do that maybe I'm the lap dog!

Oooo! Sounds like we have a another thread here!

 

[Imzadi]

I've mentioned it but he is like a stubborn child throwing a tantrum saying 'well I'm not going to say anything!' or 'it's not going to do anything, I don't know what you expect to get out of it.'

He sounds and behaves childishly and immature all around.

If you feel you are getting nowhere with the two of you trying to talk about things, can you bring in a counselor of some kind? You sound so sad, I hope you can work things out. You deserve good things too.

Perhaps you may have to go on your own and get some insight, options & suggestions from a professional who deals with this every day. Wish I could offer more than - you aren't the first & you aren't alone.

You might never be able to change him. He may never want to grow up or make you a priority. You go to counseling to help YOU. To give you some perspective, different expectations, options, hope and suggestions on how to handle this better for YOU and DS. Counseling is about empowering YOU.

 

[Swan4Me]

Just an FYI about Barbers

DH makes an appointment for his Barber a day or two earlier
This Barber also does hairpieces and longer type appointments (massages)

DS calls his Barber (different that DH's)-asks how many waiting-can he fit him in at 11 am, for example.
This guy will then pencil DS in-he is major busy barber-esp after school-DS has gone to this place since he was a little boy

There is no way in heck either would sit around for 90 minutes waiting for a no-show barber

 

[irishbosoxfan]

My dad and brother went to a barber in the city I grew up in. He was open 7 days a week. He only had 2 seats in his tiny, hole in the wall shop. Weekends would find guys lined up clear around the corner. Waiting 90 minutes for Bernie to cut your hair was a weekend activity for many men. He never took appointments. it was first come,first served though if an elderly person arrived the guys in line wouldn't make him wait.

Where I'm at now barbers are also open 7 days a week. And with the amount of Soldiers getting cut, a wait of 90 minutes is within normal range.

 

[Robinrs]

Exactly. Bad at grammar and clear communication.

And bad at thinking guys get a compliment when it's aimed at them. I'll never do THAT again.

 

[hambirg]

I would be upset/hurt like I am now. I have maybe 1 out of every 6 Sunday's off with him... That leave him to spend 5 out of 6 Sundays doing whatever he pleases. Why can't we spend one day as a family???? Our DS and I are obviously not as important as his friends. Maybe next time I should just ask if he can try to fit us in for and hr or two.

Exactly. You were going to me mad and upset regardless.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I've mentioned it but he is like a stubborn child throwing a tantrum saying 'well I'm not going to say anything!' or 'it's not going to do anything, I don't know what you expect to get out of it.'

You call his bluff, make the appt and force him to go. Clearly you have some serious marital issues to work out. Plus that is a classic manipulation line 101 and you should not fall for that bait.

If he does a no show, you continue to go by yourself week after week.

Working with a counselor can be very helpful whether he is there or not.

 

[tlbwriter]

So lying and ditching to avoid an argument...not gonna work.

What he did is little boy behavior, not man behavior.

 

[declansdad]

I would be upset/hurt like I am now. I have maybe 1 out of every 6 Sunday's off with him... That leave him to spend 5 out of 6 Sundays doing whatever he pleases. Why can't we spend one day as a family???? Our DS and I are obviously not as important as his friends. Maybe next time I should just ask if he can try to fit us in for and hr or wo.

This is a conversation you shoul'd be having with your husband, not a bunch of strangers on an Internet message board.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

This is a conversation you shoul'd be having with your husband, not a bunch of strangers on an Internet message board.

Well now, if we all followed that advice I'd be cleaning my bathroom or something right now instead of chatting on the board with my cuppa joe.

Really, ITA, you need to discuss this with the dh, I think you both might benefit from counseling or something. It might help.