Should I not be upset?

[EMom]

So every Sunday you are working he takes ds and visits friends and family so your ds can play with his cousin, see his grandma....
While I completely understand YOU wanting family time...maybe your dh needed some alone time...

But he's not ALONE. He's with the FRIEND that he already seems to spend large amounts of time with. Just can't get enough of that friend. He has one day a month (it seems) available to spend with the wife and that is obviously something he just does not want to do. Not if it means being away from THE FRIEND. Geez, were they conjoined twins in a previous life?

 

[spacemountainmom]

I may be wrong, but I took OP's post to mean that her dh changed the oil on his friend's car not that they went to Jiffy Lube together.

I must say that I don't get the haircut thing either, but my dh does his own with the clippers and then I fix all the spots that he missed. Then again, I guess I don't really believe a haircut was ever really part of the plan. I think the boys made plans and her dh forgot that op wanted to do something so the "haircut" was hatched.

 

[LittlePinkDot]

This may sound harsh, but......What is he? In kindergarten? He had to go with his friend when his friend got an oil change?

As for having to go get haircuts together.....I can barely even type that. Did they want matchies? They waited 90 minutes?

. This is about guy who seems to place NO value on spending a rare family day with his wife and child. Although he gets to spend a lot of time with his friend (more than with his wife, it seems), he just CANNOT get enough of being with his buddy and will ditch his wife in a heartbeat if the friend needs to do something vital like gas up his truck or change the line in the weedeater. He puts the OP in the position of either allowing him to completely get away with this (thereby sending the message to the OP and his child that a day with his son and wife is nothing compared to a day with his friend) OR antagonizing her enough to make her call and pester him about coming home. Then HE can play the victim.

This would NOT fly in my house. No way, no how.

I agree with you 100%

It also wouldn’t fly in my house, only because it would never happen. I would never choose this type of “man” to marry and father my children.

The immaturity and lack of responsibility is a HUMONGOUS turn off. I wouldn’t look twice at a person like this. And if I had to live with him, I would have a feeling of such disgust every time I looked at him.

 

[punkin]

But he's not ALONE. He's with the FRIEND that he already seems to spend large amounts of time with. Just can't get enough of that friend. He has one day a month (it seems) available to spend with the wife and that is obviously something he just does not want to do. Not if it means being away from THE FRIEND. Geez, were they conjoined twins in a previous life?

Oh, you are so right.

OP, I am sorry your DH doesn't want to spend time with you and your child. That's the bottom line here. You should really discuss this with him because this will only get worse with time.

 

[LittlePinkDot]

So every Sunday you are working he takes ds and visits friends and family so your ds can play with his cousin, see his grandma....
While I completely understand YOU wanting family time...maybe your dh needed some alone time...

Seems like he dumps the son with the cousin EVERY Sunday so he can hang with his buddy

Great childhood memories there, huh

 

[EMom]

I may be wrong, but I took OP's post to mean that her dh changed the oil on his friend's car not that they went to Jiffy Lube together.

Ahhh.....You are right. Although I'd bet money they dropped the car off at Jiffy Lube and took her DH's vehicle to go have some quality guy time, just TELLING her they were changing the oil themselves. You have to admit, it sounds possible. My DH is as frugal as they come, but he gave up on changing the oil himself years ago. By the time you pay for the oil, add in the time and the hassle, paying to have it changed is CHEAP and worth it. What can you save? A few dollars? And if I could not change it by myself and had to call a friend to do it for me, (or for backup ) I would defintely just pay to have it done.

I think DH and his friend are having an emotional affair.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Unless your DH has never gotten his hair cut-does he have a regular barber?
Mine does-and he knows where it is

and all barbers are closed on Sunday & monday

Sounds fishy to me >>>seriously? a lot of barbers in my area are open on Sundays & Mondays, 7 days a week!!!

Wow - suspicious much?

No offense - men are self-centered and dense. He is used to her not being around on weekends so he made plans with his buddy to go watch the game or have a beer or whatever. He shouldn't lie about it, but I really think it's a reach to assume that he's having an affair.>>I agree.

He was thoughtless and believe me, I still bring it up when I want to make a point. I wouldn't still be married if I thought something was up everytime dh didn't come home as soon as I thought he should. >>>totally agree here. There is always some other errand or whatever.

I don't believe it is acceptable for men to spend no time with their families. I was trying to explain that men don't always think like we do and perhaps assuming instead of communicating doesn't always work. Men are also human and forget things from time to time as do women.

If the OP is working every weekend, I might assume that her dh is on child care duty while she is at work. He might not be off playing with the boys every weekend while she is working. He might enjoy a Sunday to do what he wants as well and I do not fault him for that. >>>totally agree. I will say AGAIN that he should not be lying to his wife about it. They need to sit down and discuss each of their expectations for time off and work it out so both of them are able to do what they want. It's called compromise.

I just wanted to start off by saying thank you for all the responses!

When my DH got home yesturday day just after 2pm we had a talk.

He said that when they got to the barbershop their barber was not there yet so they sat down to wait. One of the other barbers that was on told them that he talked to the other guy and he was on his way. None of the other barbers on could do my DH's hair bc they were booked with appointments. My DH said he and his friend waited about 90 minutes and then decided to go get something to eat. That's when I called him... They then went back to the barbershop, the barber had arrived and his friend got a haircut and then he came home. He didn't get a haircut bc I needed him to help me get a rocker and foot stool from Dad's house... I mentioned this to him last Wednesday.

He has done something similar a couple of mths ago we had a birthday party for my grandfather... My DH knew of this well in advance yet in the morning he HAD to go do an oil change on his friends car. Needless to say the oil change that he said would take 30-45 minutes took almost 2 hours and made us late for the party.

His friends always come first!!! Every Sunday that I am at work he spends it with his friends!!! On his days off he visits his mom with DS and then brings DS to his friends house so that DH can be with his friends and DS can play with his cousin. I just wanted one day with my family but a haircut was more important. >>>you two talked about it, but clearly your not satified with the talk because you still sound very angry about it.

If I had set plans, I would be upset. But, it doesn't sound like you did. >>>exactly! You said you wanted to stay home, he probably thought that meant he can run a few errands in the morning. Guess I will be the lone voice of dissention here. This was his only day off during the week; right? I don't tell my DH how he can spend his 1 day off, I am his partner not his mom. Did you ask him how he wanted to spend the day? Maybe he wanted alone time? You said he spends every weekend day you are working with his friends. >>>I totally agree here. This is his only day off. And pretty much the only day he didnt have to worry about where his son would be that day. Perfect opportunity to catch up with his buddy for a few hours. Frankly i dont see anything wrong with it. Yes you wanted to spend the day together, but i dont see the harm in spending a few hours with a buddy. Who watches your son then? If my DH had something to do in the morning and we had to be somewhere at a different time, we usually just take two cars and he meets me there. Before my DH makes plans with his buddies he will usually ask me if we have any plans. If I say no; he will then make alternate plans. FWIW, just sitting around is not having plans to us. If something was truly bothering me; I would talk to my DH about it. Good luck.

You two have different ideas about what you wanted to do with your day off. Clearly spending time with buddies is important to your hubby too. My ex was like that. No matter what, he had to make time for his friends. Thats something you have to learn and accept. If Sundays are his only day off, I dont see the big deal here. So he was gone for a few hours. You said he was home around 2pm. That gives you guys the entire evening to spend together. Maybe im different, but I enjoy time alone too. I would do my own thing with my son until he gets home.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If I had set plans, I would be upset. But, it doesn't sound like you did. Guess I will be the lone voice of dissention here. This was his only day off during the week; right? I don't tell my DH how he can spend his 1 day off, I am his partner not his mom. Did you ask him how he wanted to spend the day? Maybe he wanted alone time? You said he spends every weekend day you are working with his friends. Who watches your son then? If my DH had something to do in the morning and we had to be somewhere at a different time, we usually just take two cars and he meets me there. Before my DH makes plans with his buddies he will usually ask me if we have any plans. If I say no; he will then make alternate plans. FWIW, just sitting around is not having plans to us. If something was truly bothering me; I would talk to my DH about it. Good luck.

Pretty much that is the case here. If we don't have set plans together you are free to make other plans and get your personal stuff done.

Since her dh only has Sunday off he is probably used to cramming friends and errands in every Sunday.

But that does NOT mean I would have waited for him. I would have gone out and done my own thing as well as not waited around for him to show up so I would be late for my grandfather's b-day. OP, take the initiative and go separately when he pulls crap like that.

Next time you have a day off together plan, plan, plan or plan something during the week. Change it up a bit and compromise some time together.

Good Luck!

 

[punkin]

You two have different ideas about what you wanted to do with your day off. Clearly spending time with buddies is important to your hubby too. My ex was like that. No matter what, he had to make time for his friends. Thats something you have to learn and accept. If Sundays are his only day off, I dont see the big deal here. So he was gone for a few hours. You said he was home around 2pm. That gives you guys the entire evening to spend together. Maybe im different, but I enjoy time alone too. I would do my own thing with my son until he gets home.

Obviously, you didn't have to learn to accept that since he's your EX.

The truth is, different people have different sticking points. If my DH didn't want to spend time with me and my children the one day per month he could, that would be my sticking point.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Obviously, you didn't have to learn to accept that since he's your EX.

The truth is, different people have different sticking points. If my DH didn't want to spend time with me and my children the one day per month he could, that would be my sticking point.

OP said she told him she was off and wanted to have a family day. Showing up after wandering around NOT getting a hair cut with the bestie he hangs with every Sunday is NOT family time. 2PM is more than half the day done and gone.

Sounds to me like dh has a bromance.

 

[MELSMICE]

The truth is, different people have different sticking points. If my DH didn't want to spend time with me and my children the one day per month he could, that would be my sticking point.

I agree.

I guess everyone is different. We don't know what your conversation was like prior to Sunday, but if I had spoken to my DH about spending time together as a family and then he made the choice to spend 1/2 the day with his buddy I'd be upset also.

If you were wishy washy about your expectations that is one thing, but if you had talked about it & had planned a family day then I think he was inconsiderate.

My DH has always had "friends" time. I've always had "friends" time and we always have family time. If there is a day/evening we have nothing specific planned & one of us wants to do something it's a conversation beginning with something like this.............. "As long as we have nothing planned tonight, you don't mind if I go to dinner with some of my friends do you?"

Like I said, everyone & every couple is different, but the OP's situation would have bothered me.

 

[FireDancer]

Wait, has no one brought up hidden disability? I mean, it is the only logical answer other than an affair. The guy probably just wanted a nice stress-free day with his friend on his one day off. Nothing more. Everything isn't a conspiracy, even on the DIS.

FWIW the barber I go to now is open on Monday and closed on Sunday but the one I went to when I lived in FL was open on Sunday and closed on Monday. There is no single set rule for every barber on the face of the Earth.

 

[SaraJayne]

Seems like he dumps the son with the cousin EVERY Sunday so he can hang with his buddy

Great childhood memories there, huh

Are you kidding? Some of my best childhood memories are from playing with my cousins!

 

[goofyintoronto]

Obviously, you didn't have to learn to accept that since he's your EX. >>>exactly! Lol! But truth be told, im very independent by nature, I like my alone-time whether its just me or me with my friends. Most guys I know are like that too. Thats why i didnt see this as a big deal. But everyone is different.

Wait, has no one brought up hidden disability? I mean, it is the only logical answer other than an affair. The guy probably just wanted a nice stress-free day with his friend on his one day off. Nothing more. Everything isn't a conspiracy, even on the DIS.

FWIW the barber I go to now is open on Monday and closed on Sunday but the one I went to when I lived in FL was open on Sunday and closed on Monday. There is no single set rule for every barber on the face of the Earth.>>> I totally agree with this!

 

[SAHDad]

Wait, has no one brought up hidden disability? I mean, it is the only logical answer other than an affair. The guy probably just wanted a nice stress-free day with his friend on his one day off. Nothing more. Everything isn't a conspiracy, even on the DIS.

FWIW the barber I go to now is open on Monday and closed on Sunday but the one I went to when I lived in FL was open on Sunday and closed on Monday. There is no single set rule for every barber on the face of the Earth.

Yes, but this is the DIS, where the woman is always right, even when she is wrong. I noticed that it only took a couple of replies before someone was hinting at an affair.

The barber that we use for DS is open 7 days a week (chain), the one for DD and DW is open M-F (and pretty much keeps bankers hours), and DW cuts my hair, since I just need a buzz cut every few weeks.

Anyway, I was going to reply earlier, but I just could not think of a way to bring hidden disabilities or refillable mugs into it, so I stayed out.

 

[declansdad]

Oh yea, he must be cheating.

Some of you are incredible!

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Mug Pimping aside, don't you guys agree that he should have either:

A) mentioned that he wouldn't be back until 2 or so and/or

B) perhaps foregone the haircut attempt with the friend and had a family day?

It's not as if she didn't specifically say to him that she was off that Sunday and would like to spend some time as a family doing something together, right?

Regardless of why he took off for the day, it would have been hurtful to me and kind of a red flag. Put me in the camp that says it doesn't mean affair, but it does mean his priorities are different. It's something that needs to be addressed.

Have any of you guys blatantly disregarded your wife in that manner? Just completely ignored what she said?

Perhaps it's a communication issue? I have to be very specific with the dh or things get misconstrued very easily. It's a pita, but it beats arguments.

 

[declansdad]

Mug Pimping aside, don't you guys agree that he should have either:

A) mentioned that he wouldn't be back until 2 or so and/or

B) perhaps foregone the haircut attempt with the friend and had a family day?

It's not as if she didn't specifically say to him that she was off that Sunday and would like to spend some time as a family doing something together, right?

Regardless of why he took off for the day, it would have been hurtful to me and kind of a red flag. Put me in the camp that says it doesn't mean affair, but it does mean his priorities are different. It's something that needs to be addressed.

Have any of you guys blatantly disregarded your wife in that manner? Just completely ignored what she said?

Perhaps it's a communication issue? I have to be very specific with the dh or things get misconstrued very easily. It's a pita, but it beats arguments.

Well a previous poster did say "men are clueless."

Yes they should have communicated better but without actually being closer to this couple, it is an unthoughtful comment to suggest the DH is having an affair. Although on the Dis, it is a pretty common response from some posters whenever a wife psots about a problem with a husband.

 

[SAHDad]

Mug Pimping aside, don't you guys agree that he should have either:

A) mentioned that he wouldn't be back until 2 or so and/or

B) perhaps foregone the haircut attempt with the friend and had a family day?

It's not as if she didn't specifically say to him that she was off that Sunday and would like to spend some time as a family doing something together, right?

Regardless of why he took off for the day, it would have been hurtful to me and kind of a red flag. Put me in the camp that says it doesn't mean affair, but it does mean his priorities are different. It's something that needs to be addressed.

Have any of you guys blatantly disregarded your wife in that manner? Just completely ignored what she said?

Perhaps it's a communication issue? I have to be very specific with the dh or things get misconstrued very easily. It's a pita, but it beats arguments.

My guess is that it was basically a communications issue - the OP said that she would like to spend the day together, and her DH took that to mean afternoon & evening, or forgot about it (because it was mentioned in passing a week or more before), or something like that.

It's also possible that the DH thought something like "DW wants to spend the day together. That means we will spend the entire day doing what she wants, when she wants, where she wants. I've tried to tell her that I want to do X, Y and Z on this day, and she just blows it off. Maybe, if I tell her that I am going to do A, I can do X and Y instead, without the fight."

I've had a couple guy friends who thought that way - because "doing things together" meant "doing what the wife/gf wanted to do." I know that I have had to remind DW several times over the years that I like to be consulted before I am committed to going somewhere or seeing someone. And that she has to make sure she actually has my attention - simply mentioning it, without seeing if I am listening, is not good enough. (And vice versa - although since most scheduling issues arise when we visit her parents, the scheduling stuff is mostly one-sided.)

ETA - we only ever get one side of these. And, face it - not many people start out with "This is my fault."

 

[FireDancer]

Mug Pimping aside, don't you guys agree that he should have either:

A) mentioned that he wouldn't be back until 2 or so and/or

B) perhaps foregone the haircut attempt with the friend and had a family day?

It's not as if she didn't specifically say to him that she was off that Sunday and would like to spend some time as a family doing something together, right?

Regardless of why he took off for the day, it would have been hurtful to me and kind of a red flag. Put me in the camp that says it doesn't mean affair, but it does mean his priorities are different. It's something that needs to be addressed.

Have any of you guys blatantly disregarded your wife in that manner? Just completely ignored what she said?

Perhaps it's a communication issue? I have to be very specific with the dh or things get misconstrued very easily. It's a pita, but it beats arguments.

Beats me, I don't know the OP or her relationship with her husband. It could be that "family day" means do what I want and it doesn't matter what you want so I won't even ask for your input. It could be that the OP is overbearing and the husband just wanted to get the heck out of the house for a little bit. It could be that she was vague and the husband just didn't pick up on the hint. Or it could be that he is clueless and/or inconsiderate.

Without knowing them or the other side of the story it is hard to come to any conclusion but I am confident that there isn't nearly enough in the OP to make me even consider an affair.