Separating Finances when Married

[SEA333]

Hi All,

This is not specifically Disney related (although if I can start saving more money, I will be able to take a trip faster! ), but everyone here always has such good financial advice

For reasons that I won't get into (nothing horrible, just at my wit's end being solely responsible for the financial well-being of our family), we have decided that DH and I will separate our finances and each take a portion of the bills to pay each month. We have never done this...both our paychecks have always gone into the same account and I have paid the bills and done my budget on the combined incomes.

DH feels very restricted this way (like he gets an allowance) and I admit that I do the budget to the penny. I have always asked him what he needs for the week for gas and spending money, he tells me, I budget it, and he overspends anyway. I try to use the cash system, which works great for ME, but he spends all of his cash then goes to the ATM, which defeats the purpose. sigh.

Anyway, I just wanted to see if anyone has any tips, stories of success OR failure, and any other advice about one household using different accounts, splitting the bills, keeping their money separate, etc.

**And, because I know how boards can get, I respectfully want to specify that I am NOT looking for marital or personal advice....DH and I have been together for more than 20 years, married for 16 years this summer, and do not have any plans to change this I just need financial advice on using a different budgeting/bill paying method that we have never tried before.

 

[crisi]

My inlaws have been doing this for years. In my mind however, it doesn't solve the problem. Because my mother in law is responsible for groceries and the car (and some other things), but runs out of money every month because she's a spender, so my father in law has to step in anyway which ends up causing resentment - but they deal with it under the understanding that she does most of the housework and all of the cooking - and that the grocery bill is larger than her "budget" because she buys nice food in part for him. And I did this with my ex husband, and when the car got stolen discovered he hadn't paid insurance for six months (but his comic book collection was complete). So decide how you are going to deal when he spends and then can't pay the bills or there is an unanticipated expense. Is there an emergency fund you both contribute to for those months? It might not happen, but its good to have a plan in place. You don't want your Disney fund to go to a new washer and dryer because he's spent every penny.

My ex and I ended up with three accounts - a household account we each put half (you can do proportional by salary as well - my sister did that when they were first married) of the anticipated expenses (plus a little extra for the unanticipated ones) and then each having a personal account. And it wasn't finances that drove the marriage under.

 

[rockawaybeachgirl]

My ex and I sat down and determined all of the bills/expenses that we felt should be split - housing, child care, insurance, vacation fund, etc. Then we split the contribution proportionate to income and each paid those respective bills. Anything else we kept in our personal accounts and did what we wanted with it. It worked well because all the bills got paid, and there was no questioning of how our 'fun money' was spent - eg 'you paid how much for a haircut?' or 'how much did you spend on golf?'. I would have continued to do it this way in my current marriage but my husband stays home with the kids so that wouldn't work out too well for him!

And as with Crisi, it wasn't money that ended the marriage. It was probably the best area!

 

[alymae1010]

I'm responsible for the finances in my household too. When I married DH, he was not the best with money, so we each kept our own accounts and opened a joint. We do a direct deposit of a percentage of each of our paychecks into the joint, and a small percentage in our personal accounts. I pay all of the bills out of the joint, and then we have our own personal money to do with as we please. If he wanted to go to the ATM and drain his funds, that was on him, but he wouldn't have access to the joint fund debit card.

I know some people think this is a weird thing to do when you're married, but we knew it would prevent a lot of arguments in our household, and it did! Side note, DH has grown to be almost as frugal as me. Just have to give him credit Good luck finding the solution that works for you guys!

 

[Marionnette]

Hi All,

This is not specifically Disney related (although if I can start saving more money, I will be able to take a trip faster! ), but everyone here always has such good financial advice

For reasons that I won't get into (nothing horrible, just at my wit's end being solely responsible for the financial well-being of our family), we have decided that DH and I will separate our finances and each take a portion of the bills to pay each month. We have never done this...both our paychecks have always gone into the same account and I have paid the bills and done my budget on the combined incomes.

DH feels very restricted this way (like he gets an allowance) and I admit that I do the budget to the penny. I have always asked him what he needs for the week for gas and spending money, he tells me, I budget it, and he overspends anyway. I try to use the cash system, which works great for ME, but he spends all of his cash then goes to the ATM, which defeats the purpose. sigh.

Anyway, I just wanted to see if anyone has any tips, stories of success OR failure, and any other advice about one household using different accounts, splitting the bills, keeping their money separate, etc.

**And, because I know how boards can get, I respectfully want to specify that I am NOT looking for marital or personal advice....DH and I have been together for more than 20 years, married for 16 years this summer, and do not have any plans to change this I just need financial advice on using a different budgeting/bill paying method that we have never tried before.

What makes you think that your husband won't overspend anyway and then not have the money to pay his "share" of the bills? If he can't keep to a budget the way things are now, how can you expect him to set his own budget and stick with it? My ex-SIL was famous for doing that. She was always going to my brother after she'd spent the money for the electric bill, didn't have enough for gas for her car, or didn't plan for the DVC payment to be withdrawn from her account.

Perhaps you can compromise by having a joint account for the household bills to which you both contribute. And then separate accounts for your own personal spending. That way, you can make sure that the household bills actually DO get paid and your husband can still have his own money that he does not need to be accountable for. Just be aware that you are still on the hook for the debts if he continues to overspend and gets himself in a hole.

 

[Shmily1]

We've had separate accounts since the beginning. He made way more money than I did for years and he took household, his vehicles, insurance, cards, etc and I took food, my vehicles, insurance, cards, anything for my kids, etc. I guess it's worked great for us. We've been together for over 20 years now.

 

[SEA333]

What makes you think that your husband won't overspend anyway and then not have the money to pay his "share" of the bills? If he can't keep to a budget the way things are now, how can you expect him to set his own budget and stick with it? My ex-SIL was famous for doing that. She was always going to my brother after she'd spent the money for the electric bill, didn't have enough for gas for her car, or didn't plan for the DVC payment to be withdrawn from her account.

Perhaps you can compromise by having a joint account for the household bills to which you both contribute. And then separate accounts for your own personal spending. That way, you can make sure that the household bills actually DO get paid and your husband can still have his own money that he does not need to be accountable for. Just be aware that you are still on the hook for the debts if he continues to overspend and gets himself in a hole.

Well, that is a leap of faith for sure. And the reason I took over the bills way back when and have a hard time letting them go (DH lovingly calls that "controlling" ). But I often wonder if he overspends because he knows that I have a cushion and that his $7 here, and $12 there won't kill us. But it adds up fast. I'm not trying to be his parent or raise him - that is not in my job description, but I also want him to take financial responsibility to take some of the burden off of me having to make all of the financial decisions all the time.

And, your questions bring up the exact reason why I posted here in the first place, so thank you. I need to hear other people's experiences so I can make the best choice

 

[BCV2003]

My husband and I do the same as others have mentioned. We each have our own account to do with what we please but then we have a joint account where we each put a predetermined amount into it and that is used to pay our bills and fund other extra things like home improvements, vacations, etc. The only bill he pays out of his account is his car payment which he just chooses to do because it is fairly large but I wouldn't care if he paid it from out joint account because we consider everything "ours". He was always the saver and I was always the spender, not intentionally though. I was still carrying my pre-marriage house but since it has sold am a total saver.

We are both very respectful of our joint account. We both have access to it with debit cards and can also transfer money between our accounts and we have never had any issues of either one of us overspending but when we want something within reason we do buy it.

 

[akcire]

First my husband makes an incredible income. That said we have very specific financial goals. He doesn't overspend as much as he doesn't keep track.

My husband gets an allowance. He can spend it any way he wants. No questions asked. It's not much but enough that he doesn't feel like he has to ask about every purchase.

We also have a bunch of long standing rules. Never spend more than $50 non returnable without consulting the other. Never more than $200 even if it is returnable.

He carries a credit card too. It is to be used for emergencies (real ones) or for something that cash is budgeted but he does not have cash on hand. For example he stops to buy some groceries as a favor but doesn't have and money. He charges it, I then move the money. Now here's the kick. If he uses his credit card for something nutty-I cut up his card in his wallet; which really is problematic next time he needs it. It has helped tremendously. He also is not allowed to use the debit card for anything other than deposits. This is solely because he never writes anything in the register. Lets you feel bad for him, there is always cash on hand at home; it just requires two minutes of planning to take what he needs. This is really the issue we have, since neither one of us really "wants" anything.

 

[SEA333]

My ex and I sat down and determined all of the bills/expenses that we felt should be split - housing, child care, insurance, vacation fund, etc. Then we split the contribution proportionate to income and each paid those respective bills. Anything else we kept in our personal accounts and did what we wanted with it. It worked well because all the bills got paid, and there was no questioning of how our 'fun money' was spent - eg 'you paid how much for a haircut?' or 'how much did you spend on golf?'. I would have continued to do it this way in my current marriage but my husband stays home with the kids so that wouldn't work out too well for him!

And as with Crisi, it wasn't money that ended the marriage. It was probably the best area!

Thank you to you both!

I like the idea of a 3rd account that both of us deposit money into for bills and household expenses. I am a little worried that he won't be able to do this - I make a little more than him, but I carry the insurance and deposits for the HSA account, so we actually bring home just about the same amounts, which makes it a little easier to figure who should pay what.

I gave him the mortgage, car insurance, phone bill and his gas and spending money. I pay the rest. We are almost debt free and do not use credit cards, so it's pretty much just the things I mentioned already plus utilities and living expenses. I gave DH the choice of the three "big" things or all of the little things, and he picked the mortgage, et al.

Like another poster brought up...now how do I let go and have faith that he will budget enough to pay those things??!! He never wastes big amounts of money, doesn't drink, smoke, go out, fish, golf, or do any other expensive hobbies - he coaches our boys' football teams (which, for the coaches translates into an 8-9 month commitment if you count the behind the scenes stuff) and that is about it. So I don't really worry about his spending the money away - I worry that it will be nickel and dime stuff that he will think he has more than he actually does, and be short when it when it comes time to pay the mortgage.

 

[SEA333]

First my husband makes an incredible income. That said we have very specific financial goals. He doesn't overspend as much as he doesn't keep track.

My husband gets an allowance. He can spend it any way he wants. No questions asked. It's not much but enough that he doesn't feel like he has to ask about every purchase.

We also have a bunch of long standing rules. Never spend more than $50 non returnable without consulting the other. Never more than $200 even if it is returnable.

He carries a credit card too. It is to be used for emergencies (real ones) or for something that cash is budgeted but he does not have cash on hand. For example he stops to buy some groceries as a favor but doesn't have and money. He charges it, I then move the money. Now here's the kick. If he uses his credit card for something nutty-I cut up his card in his wallet; which really is problematic next time he needs it. It has helped tremendously. He also is not allowed to use the debit card for anything other than deposits. This is solely because he never writes anything in the register. Lets you feel bad for him, there is always cash on hand at home; it just requires two minutes of planning to take what he needs. This is really the issue we have, since neither one of us really "wants" anything.

^^^ This!!!!

You have described my DH perfectly (sans the incredible earned income LOL). Certainly not malicious behavior, but definitely not the most responsible, either.

 

[cluvsdisney]

We both deposit a proportional amount of our paycheck to a joint account which covers all of our expenses and extra for savings. We keep the rest of our paychecks in our personal accounts which we are free to save or spend as we wish. We don't use the ATM card for the joint account.

 

[pryncess527]

Well, that is a leap of faith for sure. And the reason I took over the bills way back when and have a hard time letting them go (DH lovingly calls that "controlling" ). But I often wonder if he overspends because he knows that I have a cushion and that his $7 here, and $12 there won't kill us. But it adds up fast. I'm not trying to be his parent or raise him - that is not in my job description, but I also want him to take financial responsibility to take some of the burden off of me having to make all of the financial decisions all the time.

This has been a frequent source of discussion on the YNAB forums. One point that often comes up, is the budgeting success that can be had when the controlling partner finds a way to let go. Is your H willing to participate in the budget at all? I'm all about budgeting to the penny, but what if he took part? Or, what if you let him do the entire job for a month so he could walk a mile in your shoes (looking over his shoulder of course to make sure nothing gets missed). I've read several stories of couples having huge success in getting closer to the same page through a temporary sharing of the budget process. At the very least, when he overspends, you could ask him to sit down with you and figure out which other budget category that overspending should be pulled from. You learn a lot from your hands on control of the budget, and he might learn some valuable lessons from spending some time from working with it himself.

 

[Marionnette]

Well, that is a leap of faith for sure. And the reason I took over the bills way back when and have a hard time letting them go (DH lovingly calls that "controlling" ). But I often wonder if he overspends because he knows that I have a cushion and that his $7 here, and $12 there won't kill us. But it adds up fast. I'm not trying to be his parent or raise him - that is not in my job description, but I also want him to take financial responsibility to take some of the burden off of me having to make all of the financial decisions all the time.

And, your questions bring up the exact reason why I posted here in the first place, so thank you. I need to hear other people's experiences so I can make the best choice

So, at one time your husband had more autonomy with spending than he does now but he was (for lack of a better word) rather reckless, so you took over?

And he calls that "controlling".

Sounds very much like my brother's former situation with the Ex. However, she was really bad with spending, even going so far as to take out a personal loan to pay to keep the lights and heat on. She still is horrible with money, but that's another story.

You know him better than anyone and you should be able to discern whether his financial abilities have matured over time. Perhaps a 6-month trial period of separating the bills is a compromise? If the bill collectors aren't knocking on the door at that point, then renew it for another 6 months and see where that leads you. Do a budgeting session at the end of the first 6 months. Bring every bill and bank statement to the table and review what has increased, what went down and make a revision to the responsibilities if necessary. It will also give you a clear picture of any bills (if any) that are not being addressed and how you, as a family, stand financially.

 

[SC Minnie]

Dh and I have separate accounts. I have my paycheck deposited into my account then transfer the same amount into our joint account every month. DH manages the joint account. I keep enough in my account to cover trips to Target, pay off my credit card, and a bill or two. When I had a car payment it came out of my account too. DH pays all of the household bills out of the joint account. I never ask DH for money. I manage on what I have in my account. If I don't see everything I have set aside I keep it an build a little savings buffer.

If you and your DH are going to have separate accounts I would suggest you come to an agreement on how much of his paycheck will be allotted to the household bills. Have an auto draft set up to pull that out and into the household account. If each of you are paying certain bills one may end up paying a greater percentage of their paycheck than the other creating hostility. If your DH isn't as money conscious as you are you may not be as comfortable that the bills he is supposed to be paying are getting paid on time.

Anyway, this is what has worked for us for the past 22 years and we have no plans to change.

 

[tvguy]

I really don't know how people do it dividing up bills. As you have mentioned, one spouse is always going to feel like they have an unfair burden. It has driven a lot of our friends to divorce. I mean, the whole idea of marriage is to share a life, and money is part of that.

Been married 32 years, money has always gone into one pot, bills got paid first, anything left, first come, first serve. But we both have very small needs and wants for that excess cash, so usually never a problem.
And the few times we have tried to budget, always at Christmas time, we ended up going over budget and over what we spend in years that we didn't track spending.

 

[crisi]

By the way, we now share all our accounts, and my husband is also "unaware." And its the little things - $15 on lunch, picking up the bill for pizza, $10 here or there. With him, I just budget it in, but we can afford it (at least currently). I take care of all the bills, and I hide money - he seldom looks and I seldom talk about it other than telling him when he is spending too much (which translates to - we didn't save as much as I'd like).

 

[i*heart*minniemouse]

We have always had separate accounts...however we separate the bills. I buy groceries, pay 1/2 my car payment, the full cell phone bill and my credit card (Disney rewards)....yes, we even have separate credit cards. Hubby's income is 4x's what mine is, so he pays all other including the mortgage and his credit card(COSTCO rewards). If I need to purchase something big for the household or from COSTCO...that all goes on his credit card, I carry one with me.
Over the years, the bills have been switched...like before there ever were cell phones, I paid the electric.
This has always worked for us and we never argue about money. If I don't have money for something I want....I just ask and he transfers $$. We are a lot about wants and needs...so there are never too many wants.
We have done this for 32 years.

 

[girli565]

We also use the three acct approach. His, mine and ours.Our paychecks go into our individual accts, we each have a portion of the monthly bills we pay (ex: I pay rent, 2 cc we have together, my car payment and half the insurance. He pays light, water, garbage, his car and his half of the car insurance, and his 2 personal cc), they end up being about the same percetage ofour pay per month once you add it all up. I make more than him so we base it on percentages and not a flat amount. It's easier this way because he then feels like he has control over his finances without me micromanaging his bank account. He didn't want to feel like he was getting an allowance so instead we agreed on this. It works for us, it may not work for everyone but it definitely saves us from even talking about finances in general.

The "ours" acct is where we each put our savings form each paycheck. If we want to make a big purchase that's not a monthly bill (over $100) we must discuss it first.

I take care of all the financial dealings in our house because he's lazy. He doesn't want to feel like he gets an "allowance" yet he still comes home on pay day and tells me "ok, pay bills, honey, and let me know what's left." LOL! If he feels like this is better than I'm not going to complain. I have this down to a science, I have a spreadsheet I use in excel, and it takes me 10-20 minutes each payday to pay bills. I don't mind.

 

[ProudMommyof2]

My DH and I have successfully combined finances for almost 19 years. We have a $100 rule- can not spend it without notifying the other. However, "I am taking the kids back to school shopping" is notification. I do not run by exactly by how many pairs of jeans I am buying, etc. I do the far majority of weekly spending for changing expenses- groceries, "Mom I need money for this at school", etc. My DH pays most of the monthly bills (mortgage, utilities, insurance, etc) and balances the accounts on the computer.

We are on the same page most of the time. Travel is a huge priority for me, but saving for college and retirement is as well. So our cars are paid for and 8 & 12 years old respectfully. We, or more specifically I, can get a little off course with the $10-20 expenses here and there that really add up. Now, I have Moneydance on my phone, and I put every purchase in the register immediately. Seeing the account go down with each purchase keeps it a little more real- and me a little more aware. I think online banking made me a little lazy.

In OP's situation, I would do the 3 accounts. Separating expenses can get tricky. If the car is your bill and then it needs a major repair, is that still your expense?
Good luck and check back with how it goes.