Separating Finances when Married

[crisi]

YNAB is actually exactly what helped us stop doing that, because instead of a nebulous blob of savings, the dollars had jobs. Robbing "car repair" or some other category of savings with a very specific goal, is much harder, at least for us, than robbing "savings" to cover something we want. We making spending decisions based on our budget category balances and do not look at the (ever growing) balance of our checking/savings, because those dollars have jobs.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work for my husband, who looks at it and continually wants to re prioritize. Since most of it at this point is long term savings, its easy for him to suddenly decide to do so. That drives me crazy, and he doesn't have issues with knowing exactly where the money is as long as I do, so for us, this is better.

 

[nalajms]

OP - I think you should re-evaluate DH's extra spending. We went through this the first few years of marriage. In the end, it's really not worth fighting over. I realized that my irritation was more because he's getting to buy coffee and lunch every day while I'm packing my lunch to save money.

My solution is to cut somewhere else. And yes, some of the money is cut from the kids' college funds or a cap on their activities. If DH feels it's important for him to be able to buy coffee on the way to work rather than make a k-cup, and buy lunch every day instead of packing, then we as a family will give up something else. When he asks why we're eating so many CS Disney instead of TS, I tell him we don't have the money He's ok with it. Some people do better cutting on large expenses, while other do better with little purchases here and there.

 

[cjbcam]

Ok just a couple questions? What if he doesn't pay the bills? Your credit will take a hit. Who pays for what? Is he going to resent you for having to pay more or are you? If you have 10000 saved up and want to go on vacation and he has none what happens? Will you resent always using your savings for emergencies because he has none?

 

[pryncess527]

Unfortunately, it doesn't work for my husband, who looks at it and continually wants to re prioritize. Since most of it at this point is long term savings, its easy for him to suddenly decide to do so. That drives me crazy, and he doesn't have issues with knowing exactly where the money is as long as I do, so for us, this is better.

and in the end, that is all that matters!

 

[SEA333]

Ok just a couple questions? What if he doesn't pay the bills? Your credit will take a hit. Who pays for what? Is he going to resent you for having to pay more or are you? If you have 10000 saved up and want to go on vacation and he has none what happens? Will you resent always using your savings for emergencies because he has none?

All good questions that every couple should think about!

For us:

1. If he doesn't pay his part of the bills, we lose our house and car ins and phones. We have three kids....I do not think he wants them to be homeless! I trust him that he will pay his part of the bills, but secretly gave him these three because they are the three that are the most important to him, so I think he will WANT to pay these moreso than say...my student loans. The incentive of having a house to live in is more motivation to him than paying off my education - JMO!

2. We worked out that he pays the mortgage, phones, and car insurance. I pay all else.

3. We take home almost the exact same amount of money (I make more, but carry the health ins and HSA contributions, and he gets overtime and I am salary, so the potential for him making extra is there while it is not for me), so we split the $$ of the bills down the middle. It worked out that the three above pretty much equal all else (we have a fairly high mortgage), and we will each have pretty equal amounts of money at the end of the month for saving and spending. One thing we haven't worked out yet is how much each should put into savings. That's why I came here...to be reminded about what I may be forgetting!!!

4. If our financial circumstances change (or we get raises!!), we reevaluate.

5. If I save up 10K by myself for a vacation anytime in the next 14 years while we are putting three kids through middle school, high school, and college, I will NOT be asking him if he wants to go!! LOL (just kidding...I will have to think about that one)

6. Neither of us really spend a lot of money. I don't shop for things I do not need, he does not have habits/hobbies that cost money, we are really very boring and stay home or hang with the kids 99% of the time. Like I said before, DH coaches our boys' football teams, which takes up a lot of his time for 8-9 months of the year. We really don't have a lot of time for much else during football season! Our entertainment is practices and games (I am not a coach, but I volunteer for the league and as team parent for either one of the boys or for DD's cheer team) because we are all there All The Time!

DH tends to spend as much as is there at the moment, which is why he has such a hard time with the cash system. He spends it all over the weekend, then when he is hungry at lunchtime on Monday, I see the charge for lunch or for gas to get him through until Thursday (his payday). It's really not the major problem for us, the bigger issue is me being sick of being the only one who knows what is in the bank and how much the water bill (for example) is, while he has no clue, but hates being told that we don't have money for something. If he knew what was going in and out, I don't think I would feel like I am always saying "no" like he's a little kid and I am the parent. And he wouldn't feel resentful that I tell him no, or hand him his cash every week like a parent giving a kid their allowance.

Neither of us are irresponsible...we just need to find a happy medium.

ETA: I'm sorry if I gave the impression that DH is an irresponsible little kid. He is not...geesh, he freely gives his entire paycheck every week for the bills. He has never hid anything, spent big sums of money, or lied about what he does with his money. This is mostly MY idea...I am tired of being the one responsible for all of it all the time. Not that this is the important thing by any means, but selfishly, Mother's Day and my birthday are coming up this month, and once, just once, I would like to NOT know exactly how much money we have in our account and budgeting extra so he can buy me something or go out for dinner (and trust me, I would rather get a homemade card for Mother's Day and IGNORE my birthday altogether, so having to budget cash for a gift or dinner for myself is NOT a fun undertaking! But it is important to DH that he and the kids do something for me - I know...I know, I need serious therapy LOL)

 

[si-am]

My husband and I have been married 9 years and have kept separate accounts from Day 1. We have a joint account that we only use for the mortgage, or for taxes or some other big joint expense. The rest of the bills are divided out and in our own names: I pay electric, gas, internet, and insurance. He pays TV, water, garbage, pest control.

I do trust him to transfer money into that joint account every month for mortgage.

I know a lot of people think it's odd, but it works for us and we hardly ever argue about money.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

My husband gets an allowance. He can spend it any way he wants. No questions asked. It's not much but enough that he doesn't feel like he has to ask about every purchase.

We also have a bunch of long standing rules. Never spend more than $50 non returnable without consulting the other. Never more than $200 even if it is returnable.

He carries a credit card too. It is to be used for emergencies (real ones) or for something that cash is budgeted but he does not have cash on hand. For example he stops to buy some groceries as a favor but doesn't have and money. He charges it, I then move the money. Now here's the kick. If he uses his credit card for something nutty-I cut up his card in his wallet; which really is problematic next time he needs it. It has helped tremendously. He also is not allowed to use the debit card for anything other than deposits. .

This sounds too controlling. I am his wife - not his mother.
I would die if I had to ask him before I spent money on something - heck I have bought a new car before and not told him until he came home. (as has he). But car payments come out of mad money. The only this coming out of joint account are home expenses, taxes, groceries and such.

We have separate accounts - a percentage goes into the joint account and the rest is mad money - so if I see boots I must have, or he sees a tv he wants we buy it. It works for us - and we have been doing it for years and been married for 17.

 

[NotUrsula]

We've had separate accounts for 24 years; no problems whatsover as long as we don't use the same computer. (A couple of years ago DH cleaned out my checking account by accident, because he used our home computer to pay an unusually high CC bill so that it wouldn't accumulate interest. I had all three account numbers stored on the banking site, and he clicked on the wrong one on the dropdown list. I bounced a dozen checks and filed a police report before we realized that the "thief" who had hacked into my account was DH. I made HIM go and explain it all to the bank, LOL.)

We also have a joint account that gets proportional direct deposits from each of our personal accounts the day after payday. We use it for all household fixed expenses, and we have those set up for autopay.

When it comes to big joint purchases, (vacations, etc.) we discuss before we spend, and figure out exactly where we will pull the money from. We also have kind of an unwritten rule that personal purchases that are over $1K will be spoken of before they are made, so that if there is some reason (like a major upcoming household repair) that spending big on a personal thing right now is a bad idea, the other spouse will get to point that out.

I should note that we did not set this up this way because we ever had disagreements about money; we didn't. I refused to use fully joint accounts because I was adamant that I wanted to maintain a separate credit history in case disaster ever struck. (I saw that happen to my mother when my Dad died. She had no individual credit history, and it caused her all sorts of issues.)

 

[crisi]

This sounds too controlling. I am his wife - not his mother.
I would die if I had to ask him before I spent money on something - heck I have bought a new car before and not told him until he came home. (as has he). But car payments come out of mad money. The only this coming out of joint account are home expenses, taxes, groceries and such.

We have separate accounts - a percentage goes into the joint account and the rest is mad money - so if I see boots I must have, or he sees a tv he wants we buy it. It works for us - and we have been doing it for years and been married for 17.

A lot of these rules and control need to be in place depending on your amount of discretionary spending. If you are living paycheck to paycheck or your job isn't stable and your emergency fund insufficient, you need to have pretty tight control because two people spending $50 here and there without permission can mean not being able to pay the mortgage. But if you have discretionary income enough to set aside mad money for a new car, those limits can be a lot larger. And if its your mad money, then you are supposed to spend it as you want.

I remember years ago when my husband went and bought a new work wardrobe without talking to be and spent $1600. Our kids were still little - that was daycare for the month! I had to scramble and move money around and we carried a credit card balance that month - which we seldom do. At that point it was established that we had to talk to one another for anything over a few hundred (more, he needs to talk to me, so I can consider what I need to do). Everyone has a limit where they say "the budget can't eat that." For someone who is trying to pay down debt, or living on a small income, that may need to be a very small number to avoid putting the whole family at risk.

 

[chris31997]

Hi All,

This is not specifically Disney related (although if I can start saving more money, I will be able to take a trip faster! ), but everyone here always has such good financial advice

For reasons that I won't get into (nothing horrible, just at my wit's end being solely responsible for the financial well-being of our family), we have decided that DH and I will separate our finances and each take a portion of the bills to pay each month. We have never done this...both our paychecks have always gone into the same account and I have paid the bills and done my budget on the combined incomes.

DH feels very restricted this way (like he gets an allowance) and I admit that I do the budget to the penny. I have always asked him what he needs for the week for gas and spending money, he tells me, I budget it, and he overspends anyway. I try to use the cash system, which works great for ME, but he spends all of his cash then goes to the ATM, which defeats the purpose. sigh.

Anyway, I just wanted to see if anyone has any tips, stories of success OR failure, and any other advice about one household using different accounts, splitting the bills, keeping their money separate, etc.

**And, because I know how boards can get, I respectfully want to specify that I am NOT looking for marital or personal advice....DH and I have been together for more than 20 years, married for 16 years this summer, and do not have any plans to change this I just need financial advice on using a different budgeting/bill paying method that we have never tried before.

I havn't read the whole board. Someone may have already posted this. Someone said something similar to this on a YNAB forum.

The 2 of you need to work a budget together. You write it up and he gets to change something. But it zeros out.

Then he gets his cash, be it in a seperate account with an atm card or his own envelopes.

But the 2 of you have to work together, otherwise someone or both will feel resentment. It may take a little bit before you guys can get the budget process and cash sysytem work, but you need to stick with it.


We do this. Both work on the budget. Cash in one place that we can pull from. I pay the bills. But we both know what is going where and when it is going.

 

[brymolmom]

Just wanted to relate a story: My sis and her now-ex always had separate finances. He had an ex-wife and 3 kids so it made a lot of sense for them to do it this way - since he had 'other family' expenses.

Honestly, I think a lot depends on how much you make...If you make a lot more than your expenses - then it might work out a lot better for you. But my sis and her dh never covered all their bills and never budgeted. They both ended up with some (lower) credit card balances.

The main problems my sister had were with things like vacations - she wanted to take a couple...and no way did he have enough 'saved' to pay half. So if she wanted them to go on a trip together - SHE ALWAYS HAD TO PAY. Same thing with dinners out and other entertainment.

It just seemed to me like he never understood about paying your fair share because of how they had it separated. It was ALWAYS a point of argument for them.

 

[sarahk0204]

We've had separate accounts since the beginning. He made way more money than I did for years and he took household, his vehicles, insurance, cards, etc and I took food, my vehicles, insurance, cards, anything for my kids, etc. I guess it's worked great for us. We've been together for over 20 years now.

This what my parents did. They were married for 38 years when my mom passed away.

The only thing my parents didn't do was have the other spouse's name on their respective accounts. This was a bit of a hassle when my mom died unexpectedly. Having the 3 accounts might be better if you didn't want your spouse to have access to your "mad money".

 

[Gumbo4x4]

First my husband makes an incredible income. That said we have very specific financial goals. He doesn't overspend as much as he doesn't keep track.

My husband gets an allowance. He can spend it any way he wants. No questions asked. It's not much but enough that he doesn't feel like he has to ask about every purchase.

We also have a bunch of long standing rules. Never spend more than $50 non returnable without consulting the other. Never more than $200 even if it is returnable.

That'd never work for us. I may go months without buying myself anything. But when I do, it's probably going to be way over $200. DW never spends more than $20 at a time, but makes purchases almost non-stop, easily outspending me overall

 

[AB6876]

My husband and I have gone back and forth over the past 12 years (joint accounts/separate accounts cash) we have gone to a hybrid method. We have separate checking accounts. I make less money than he does so all of our bills (mortgage, car payment, utilities etc) all autopay come out of my bank account. Groceries spending money and additional savings come out of his. He doesn't spend a lot of money so this is not a problem. I have access to all accounts online and via debit cards. I transfer a large portion if his pay at the end of the month into a "secret savings account". He knows about it, just doesn't know how much is in there.. If he asked I would tell him, and he could always login or look at the statement.
I found with my husband if he sees the big amount he will think of big things to buy lol...
Unfortunately I have found men hate to be nickel and dime'd to death. If they want to buy a $7 sandwich at lunch let them. If you can't afford it tell them. They would rather know why then just to be told not to.

 

[JanaDee]

First my husband makes an incredible income. That said we have very specific financial goals. He doesn't overspend as much as he doesn't keep track.

My husband gets an allowance. He can spend it any way he wants. No questions asked. It's not much but enough that he doesn't feel like he has to ask about every purchase.

We also have a bunch of long standing rules. Never spend more than $50 non returnable without consulting the other. Never more than $200 even if it is returnable.

He carries a credit card too. It is to be used for emergencies (real ones) or for something that cash is budgeted but he does not have cash on hand. For example he stops to buy some groceries as a favor but doesn't have and money. He charges it, I then move the money. Now here's the kick. If he uses his credit card for something nutty-I cut up his card in his wallet; which really is problematic next time he needs it. It has helped tremendously. He also is not allowed to use the debit card for anything other than deposits. This is solely because he never writes anything in the register. Lets you feel bad for him, there is always cash on hand at home; it just requires two minutes of planning to take what he needs. This is really the issue we have, since neither one of us really "wants" anything.

Holy moly, your DH makes an "incredible" income, yet if he spends money on something you deem unworthy, you cut up his credit card?!

I can't imagine the screeching that would be going on if a husband said he did the same to his wife and she had to account for every penny, even with an "incredible" income.

 

[tinkerone]

I worked in a bank and I can't tell you the problems (as mentioned by a p.p.) that have incurred when there are separate accounts and they are not joint. if one party passes away your going to have to produce a will that states who gets the money before it gets released where as if the account is joint then the second party can remove all the money any time with no problems. morale of the story is make sure all accounts are joint even if they are meant for only one person to use.

I never understood why people had their own accounts. I see this work for people but I just don't get how.

dh and I have been married for 40 plus years. we have only ever had joint accounts. both pays go into our main checking account and I move it around as needed, pay the bills, purchase groceries. anything that has to do with our pays, I took care of. I have a jar that receipts go into, I take them out every other day or so and record them in a binder under specific catagories. dh knows he needs to get those receipts in the jar and he is very good at it. for the most part this has worked well for us. we have good savings, retirement plans, have had great vacations and have put our children through school. I can tell you how much we have spent on everything and its nice to compare what the cost of hydro was last year to what it costs this year.

I can count on one hand the number of times dh has come up to me and asked where our money is going. when this happens I explain what is being paid and when, what is going into which savings account and the purpose for the money, what our assets are, I explain everything.
dh's eyes glass over and his mind goes to something else and he quickly backs away.

the joint account system is something we both like. neither of us wants to get into I pay this, you pay that. if you need something buy it and give me the receipt. if you want something we need to discuse it. I think if anyone can tell the difference between the need and the want they are ten steps ahead of the game.

good luck with your goal, i'm sure you will find something that works for your family.

 

[kugelette]

Holy moly, your DH makes an "incredible" income, yet if he spends money on something you deem unworthy, you cut up his credit card?!

I can't imagine the screeching that would be going on if a husband said he did the same to his wife and she had to account for every penny, even with an "incredible" income.

I was in a very controlling and abusive marriage where I was not allowed my own account, and not only had to make a grocery list for prior approval - if I brought home groceries that weren't on the list, I had to take them back! And I STILL think this is totally nuts and screams of control issues. Cutting up someone's credit card isn't something you do to a spouse - you do it to a child who got one and can't handle the responsibility. A lot of the comments here seem, to me, to be dodging the issue of working together as a couple to accomplish joint goals and come to a consensus about a major part of their lives together. Of course no one wants an allowance, it is degrading to tell a grown person you are in a lifelong relationship with how they are "allowed" to spend their money. Maybe separate finances can work for some, but people who use trigger words like "control", "not allowed", "permission" or otherwise imply that their spouse is not capable of acting in an adult capacity because they want to go to Starbucks or buy themselves something sound like they are just circumventing the real issue, which is about control and trust and communication and coming together in agreement. I would try therapy before cutting up someone's credit card. Your spouse is an adult - if they WANT you to handle all the finances and just give them a number on fun money, great. But if you aren't letting them make those choices, that's a problem that goes deeper than budgeting, I think.

 

[gigicnm]

We both deposit a proportional amount of our paycheck to a joint account which covers all of our expenses and extra for savings. We keep the rest of our paychecks in our personal accounts which we are free to save or spend as we wish. We don't use the ATM card for the joint account.

This is exactly what we do. We'll be married 18 years this month and started doing this about 9 years ago. Before that we had two completely separate accounts. This system has ended àny fights about money. My husband pays the bills out of our joint account (he's better at it than I am) and we both have our individual accounts to spend/save as we wish. All major bills - mortgage, food, insurance are payed from the joint account.

Before setting it up, we figured out what our average monthly bills were, then we each deposit a specific amount of money into the joint account on pay day. Our contributions are proportional to our salaries. I make X% more so I deposit X% more than him into the account. We do everything electronically. We essentially have our own account with a joint account between them. We do not have access to each other's accounts. We do not have any debt, but I do use a joint credit card to pay for food and gas, ànd thàt bill is payed out of the joint account in full eaçh month.

 

[3happydancers]

I worked in a bank and I can't tell you the problems (as mentioned by a p.p.) that have incurred when there are separate accounts and they are not joint. if one party passes away your going to have to produce a will that states who gets the money before it gets released where as if the account is joint then the second party can remove all the money any time with no problems. morale of the story is make sure all accounts are joint even if they are meant for only one person to use.

I never understood why people had their own accounts. I see this work for people but I just don't get how.

dh and I have been married for 40 plus years. we have only ever had joint accounts. both pays go into our main checking account and I move it around as needed, pay the bills, purchase groceries. anything that has to do with our pays, I took care of. I have a jar that receipts go into, I take them out every other day or so and record them in a binder under specific catagories. dh knows he needs to get those receipts in the jar and he is very good at it. for the most part this has worked well for us. we have good savings, retirement plans, have had great vacations and have put our children through school. I can tell you how much we have spent on everything and its nice to compare what the cost of hydro was last year to what it costs this year.

I can count on one hand the number of times dh has come up to me and asked where our money is going. when this happens I explain what is being paid and when, what is going into which savings account and the purpose for the money, what our assets are, I explain everything.
dh's eyes glass over and his mind goes to something else and he quickly backs away.

the joint account system is something we both like. neither of us wants to get into I pay this, you pay that. if you need something buy it and give me the receipt. if you want something we need to discuse it. I think if anyone can tell the difference between the need and the want they are ten steps ahead of the game.

good luck with your goal, i'm sure you will find something that works for your family.

29 years married here and we do the same! Never had separate accounts. Always respected the household spending as a joint responsibility. If you need something, get it. If you want something, we always discuss it first. Other than the mortgage and car loan, (and recently hearing aids which 1/2 was paid via insurance and the other 1/2 with care credit), we are debt free, have a nice retirement building and pension. I guess we are lucky in that we both have full control over our spending and savings, and our goals are the same.

OP, good luck with your search. Sorry I had no advise as we do not have separate accounts and have zero knowledge on how to manage our family using separate accounts. I can say that DH and I always communicate. Maybe you can start with a set time; weekly, bi-weekly or every pay check; to discuss your finances.

 

[bdcp]

29 years married here and we do the same! Never had separate accounts. Always respected the household spending as a joint responsibility. If you need something, get it. If you want something, we always discuss it first. Other than the mortgage and car loan, (and recently hearing aids which 1/2 was paid via insurance and the other 1/2 with care credit), we are debt free, have a nice retirement building and pension. I guess we are lucky in that we both have full control over our spending and savings, and our goals are the same.

OP, good luck with your search. Sorry I had no advise as we do not have separate accounts and have zero knowledge on how to manage our family using separate accounts. I can say that DH and I always communicate. Maybe you can start with a set time; weekly, bi-weekly or every pay check; to discuss your finances.

Us too (except the debt free part, but we do have a very nice net worth due to 401 and other investments). Married 33 years, all joint. As I always tell people, either you're all in or you're not. All income is "our" income just as all bills are "our" bills. This applied to the years I was a SAHM also. My friend who has separate accounts always complains because her DH makes twice what she does but she still has to pay about 1/2 the bills. But, that said, she allowed this from day one when they were living together. She needs a new car and he's encouraging her to buy one, but she's hesitating because she knows it will come out of "her" money. He recently retired from the AF as a LtCol so he has that income on top of his current job which means he has lots of discretionary income. I told my DH if her DH wants her to get a new car, he should buy it for her. I do think there are ramifications that people forget about when accounts are completely separate, including what was mentioned above with access by the spouse.

As to the "allowance" issue... I have always paid the bills. I take out a set amount each week for pocket money and give DH his share. Beyond that, neither of us spends more than about $75-100 without telling the other. It's out of respect (not control) plus it prevents one of us overdrawing an account accidentally especially close to the end of a pay period. Almost every couple I know, one pays all the bill, manages the money and gives the spouse an "allowance".