Separating Finances when Married

[southlakejr]

I'm not sure that this solution will fix the problem. If your DH is not good with budgeting money, leaving him responsible for paying bills as a way to give him more autonomy will probably not work well.

DH and I struggled with the same thing for awhile. We tried the three account thing with one for bills and one each for personal. But it never really worked well for us. It also didn't solve the root issue- DH never felt that he had enough to spend, and didn't really understand what our budget was. He also didn't see that his 5 dollars here and there were really adding up.

We switched to YNAB and it has been a lifesaver for us. It has enabled us to sit down together and for DH to really see how much we have, and what our expenses are. And it has helped both of us curb our spending, and save more each month with a visual limit (somehow, it actually works better for me than with cash). After using it for a month, his comment to me was that he really saw how much he was spending, and figured out that things like fast food and starbucks were not worth the cost.

It has also helped him to feel more involved than he was before, and less like I was the grand money dictator telling him what to spend. I still have to get on him, here and there, about logging his expenses in YNAB so that he can keep track, but he's gotten a lot better. We also work together on the budget, which is nice and quick each time. That way, if he wants a little extra spending money, he sees and helps decide which budget category gets shorted to make that happen. (he has since decided to pick up OT shifts when he wants extra cash for something)

I'm not saying that budgeting software will work well for you, or won't. But, I think you need to really analyze the problem and root causes to find a good solution.

 

[manning]

We have separate accounts. Hers and ours. What I can't figure out is why hers is bigger.

 

[SEA333]

So, at one time your husband had more autonomy with spending than he does now but he was (for lack of a better word) rather reckless, so you took over?

And he calls that "controlling".

Sounds very much like my brother's former situation with the Ex. However, she was really bad with spending, even going so far as to take out a personal loan to pay to keep the lights and heat on. She still is horrible with money, but that's another story.

You know him better than anyone and you should be able to discern whether his financial abilities have matured over time. Perhaps a 6-month trial period of separating the bills is a compromise? If the bill collectors aren't knocking on the door at that point, then renew it for another 6 months and see where that leads you. Do a budgeting session at the end of the first 6 months. Bring every bill and bank statement to the table and review what has increased, what went down and make a revision to the responsibilities if necessary. It will also give you a clear picture of any bills (if any) that are not being addressed and how you, as a family, stand financially.

Well, he had all the autonomy that he wanted when he was single. I think he was grateful at the time to hand all the responsibility over to me and we have never really looked back. But now he feels it is stifling. I don't blame him in a way...I would never let someone else control my income (even him!). He feels as though I have the freedom to decide where all of our money goes, and he doesn't. Which is laughable to me because I give myself LESS spending money than he gets - but on the flip-side, I do get to decide that I would rather put extra into a college fund rather than spend it. From his perspective, it's not so much the amount (although he does have the lack-of-sticking-to-a-budget issue), but rather the fact that I have all of the say in where the money is allocated and he doesn't. That's where the word "controlling" comes in, I think.

It would drive me nuts, too. I am sensitive to that for him, which is why I think that we need to change things.

 

[SEA333]

I'm not sure that this solution will fix the problem. If your DH is not good with budgeting money, leaving him responsible for paying bills as a way to give him more autonomy will probably not work well.

DH and I struggled with the same thing for awhile. We tried the three account thing with one for bills and one each for personal. But it never really worked well for us. It also didn't solve the root issue- DH never felt that he had enough to spend, and didn't really understand what our budget was. He also didn't see that his 5 dollars here and there were really adding up.

We switched to YNAB and it has been a lifesaver for us. It has enabled us to sit down together and for DH to really see how much we have, and what our expenses are. And it has helped both of us curb our spending, and save more each month with a visual limit (somehow, it actually works better for me than with cash). After using it for a month, his comment to me was that he really saw how much he was spending, and figured out that things like fast food and starbucks were not worth the cost.

It has also helped him to feel more involved than he was before, and less like I was the grand money dictator telling him what to spend. I still have to get on him, here and there, about logging his expenses in YNAB so that he can keep track, but he's gotten a lot better. We also work together on the budget, which is nice and quick each time. That way, if he wants a little extra spending money, he sees and helps decide which budget category gets shorted to make that happen. (he has since decided to pick up OT shifts when he wants extra cash for something)

I'm not saying that budgeting software will work well for you, or won't. But, I think you need to really analyze the problem and root causes to find a good solution.

Maybe I was a little unclear because a lot of people are focusing on the lack of budgeting on DH's part. Let me see if I can help:

Both paychecks are direct deposited into the same account. Since I handle all finances, DH is loathe to touch the account without "asking", which makes him feel like he is getting an allowance, and me like the parent-figure. It's just always been this way, but we are both to the point where neither of us like that anymore.

He *does* use his cash and then goes to the ATM or uses his debit card for purchases like lunch or extra gas. (and to be honest, so do I sometimes - the difference is that I know what is going on with the account and only have to answer to myself when I do this!). While it is not huge amounts, it adds up and in my eyes, is not necessary when he gets the $$ of spending money he gets per week. Neither of us are "big" spenders. But, we ARE on a tight budget - we have three kids who use most of our free money for braces, activities, school, registrations for various things, etc. We both agree that a good 70% of our free cash (emphasizing FREE cash...NOT bill money, his weekly spending money, or funds allocated to savings!) goes to them. And the oldest will be going to college in a few years. So the extra DH spends is really noticed by me because I am the one looking at the bank every day.

This all being said, I am tired of policing this. He doesn't like dealing with the accounts because he never knows what I am doing, so he stays hands off. I want this to change and have him become more accountable, for his sake (not feeling like I am policing him all the time), and for my sanity!

Also, what is YNAB?

 

[pryncess527]

Well, he had all the autonomy that he wanted when he was single. I think he was grateful at the time to hand all the responsibility over to me and we have never really looked back. But now he feels it is stifling. I don't blame him in a way...I would never let someone else control my income (even him!). He feels as though I have the freedom to decide where all of our money goes, and he doesn't. Which is laughable to me because I give myself LESS spending money than he gets - but on the flip-side, I do get to decide that I would rather put extra into a college fund rather than spend it. From his perspective, it's not so much the amount (although he does have the lack-of-sticking-to-a-budget issue), but rather the fact that I have all of the say in where the money is allocated and he doesn't. That's where the word "controlling" comes in, I think.

It would drive me nuts, too. I am sensitive to that for him, which is why I think that we need to change things.

Honestly, that sounds like an easy fix. Include him in your process. Let him make the decisions with you.

DH and I started YNAB together, but after about 2 months I kind of took over. I *thought* I was doing him a favor by relieving him of the grunt work that I kind of enjoy. Until he pointed out to me that I was gaining an awareness and understanding of our finances that he wasn't getting because I was leaving him out. It honestly kind of hurt his feelings, which shocked me, I thought I was being nice! Sometimes it isn't about the actual amounts, it's more about feeling like you are on the same team. At least that was my H's issue.
It has been hard for me to stop touching our budget when I'm at work, but I do want him to have the same awareness that I have, so I resist the urge and we budget together instead.

 

[NewRVLady]

We have always had separate

In beginning, DH paid mortgage and utilities and I paid groceries

We each paid our own car note

But as the years passed and his salary got much much bigger than mine, he pays everything & I still pay just the groceries

It works for us...neither has to "ask' the other for Money-and we save religious ly, besides the 401k $$ that is taken out our checks

 

[pryncess527]

He *does* use his cash and then goes to the ATM or uses his debit card for purchases like lunch or extra gas. (and to be honest, so do I sometimes - the difference is that I know what is going on with the account and only have to answer to myself when I do this!). While it is not huge amounts, it adds up and in my eyes, is not necessary when he gets the $$ of spending money he gets per week. Neither of us are "big" spenders. But, we ARE on a tight budget - we have three kids who use most of our free money for braces, activities, school, registrations for various things, etc. We both agree that a good 70% of our free cash (emphasizing FREE cash...NOT bill money, his weekly spending money, or funds allocated to savings!) goes to them. And the oldest will be going to college in a few years. So the extra DH spends is really noticed by me because I am the one looking at the bank every day.

This all being said, I am tired of policing this. He doesn't like dealing with the accounts because he never knows what I am doing, so he stays hands off. I want this to change and have him become more accountable, for his sake (not feeling like I am policing him all the time), and for my sanity!

Also, what is YNAB?

YNAB = You Need A Budget -- http://www.youneedabudget.com/
And at the risk of oversimplifying your issue, it honestly may be exactly the solution you need.

Assuming your H has a smartphone, he'd be able to see the budget at all times. He could check the balance of a category before spending and not have to ask you if it is okay. You would both enter purchase as you make them with the app so that the category balances are always up to date. You could sit down together and allocate money into your categories so that he'd be part of the decision process.

There is a 34 day free trial, you might check it out. They give a 20% discount to Dis Budget Board members if it works out for you guys.

 

[SEA333]

Honestly, that sounds like an easy fix. Include him in your process. Let him make the decisions with you.

DH and I started YNAB together, but after about 2 months I kind of took over. I *thought* I was doing him a favor by relieving him of the grunt work that I kind of enjoy. Until he pointed out to me that I was gaining an awareness and understanding of our finances that he wasn't getting because I was leaving him out. It honestly kind of hurt his feelings, which shocked me, I thought I was being nice! Sometimes it isn't about the actual amounts, it's more about feeling like you are on the same team. At least that was my H's issue.
It has been hard for me to stop touching our budget when I'm at work, but I do want him to have the same awareness that I have, so I resist the urge and we budget together instead.

I've tried!!!! The look on his face when I say the sentence "Let's sit down and go over this together" is like someone just suggested that he pull his fingernails out.

he really does not want any part of doing it "together", but I do think that he will kind of enjoy doing his part alone...weird as that sounds, but I think that will give him more of a feeling that he has more say.

For me, it's not really about being right, wrong, better, or worse...it's about finding a solution that we can both be content with.

 

[Marionnette]

Maybe I was a little unclear because a lot of people are focusing on the lack of budgeting on DH's part. Let me see if I can help:

Both paychecks are direct deposited into the same account. Since I handle all finances, DH is loathe to touch the account without "asking", which makes him feel like he is getting an allowance, and me like the parent-figure. It's just always been this way, but we are both to the point where neither of us like that anymore.

He *does* use his cash and then goes to the ATM or uses his debit card for purchases like lunch or extra gas. (and to be honest, so do I sometimes - the difference is that I know what is going on with the account and only have to answer to myself when I do this!). While it is not huge amounts, it adds up and in my eyes, is not necessary when he gets the $$ of spending money he gets per week. Neither of us are "big" spenders. But, we ARE on a tight budget - we have three kids who use most of our free money for braces, activities, school, registrations for various things, etc. We both agree that a good 70% of our free cash (emphasizing FREE cash...NOT bill money, his weekly spending money, or funds allocated to savings!) goes to them. And the oldest will be going to college in a few years. So the extra DH spends is really noticed by me because I am the one looking at the bank every day.

This all being said, I am tired of policing this. He doesn't like dealing with the accounts because he never knows what I am doing, so he stays hands off. I want this to change and have him become more accountable, for his sake (not feeling like I am policing him all the time), and for my sanity!

Also, what is YNAB?

If you control how the money is meted out, then yes, your husband is getting an "allowance". Most guys aren't crazy about the thought that they have to answer for every penny that they spend and it sounds like yours is a part of that majority.

I still think that even though your husband hates discussing the family finances, it's necessary for the two of you to sit down on a regular basis to talk about where the money goes (or should go). Incomes change. Priorities change. Costs change. Even couples who combine their paychecks and pay their bills together discuss their budgets on a regular basis if they want to head off problems.

IMO, transparency is really important if you're going to give each other specific bills to pay. I'd certainly want to know for sure that the mortgage was being paid in full and on time each month. And my husband wouldn't want to go to take a shower only to learn that the water had been shut off because I hadn't paid the bill. It's not about controlling the finances. It's about knowing where WE stand financially.

 

[bumbershoot]

**And, because I know how boards can get, I respectfully want to specify that I am NOT looking for marital or personal advice....DH and I have been together for more than 20 years, married for 16 years this summer, and do not have any plans to change this I just need financial advice on using a different budgeting/bill paying method that we have never tried before

FWIW, the problem is that this sort of behavior on his part is the sort of thing that really can call for individual counseling. So he can work out his stuff and stop thinking that "what adults do with money in real life when they have goals" is "my wife is controlling me".

You might have noticed how many exes have been mentioned on this thread. The finances might have been the best part of it all (though in the experience of my friends who have divorced, finances have been THE root cause of every bit of unhappiness...the amount of time you have to work to get money, how you spend money, who makes more money, etc) but things still wear at you.

So it's hard to not at least think about it.

DH feels very restricted this way (like he gets an allowance) and I admit that I do the budget to the penny. I have always asked him what he needs for the week for gas and spending money, he tells me, I budget it, and he overspends anyway. I try to use the cash system, which works great for ME, but he spends all of his cash then goes to the ATM, which defeats the purpose. sigh.

You really have to get to the root of why he does this, why he feels like this. No system YOU set up will EVER work for him if he keeps on feeling like you are the mom.

Like another poster brought up...now how do I let go and have faith that he will budget enough to pay those things??!! ....I worry that it will be nickel and dime stuff that he will think he has more than he actually does, and be short when it when it comes time to pay the mortgage.

He'll want to set up auto-withdrawal if possible of the mortgage, and do it the moment he gets paid. Or have it automatically move to a different account that he then pays the mortgage from. Something to get that money OUT of his account so he doesn't mix it up.

Both paychecks are direct deposited into the same account. Since I handle all finances, DH is loathe to touch the account without "asking", which makes him feel like he is getting an allowance, and me like the parent-figure. It's just always been this way, but we are both to the point where neither of us like that anymore. ....

He doesn't like dealing with the accounts because he never knows what I am doing, so he stays hands off. I want this to change and have him become more accountable, for his sake (not feeling like I am policing him all the time), and for my sanity!

This just seems like a no-win situation.

I've tried!!!! The look on his face when I say the sentence "Let's sit down and go over this together" is like someone just suggested that he pull his fingernails out.

he really does not want any part of doing it "together", but I do think that he will kind of enjoy doing his part alone...weird as that sounds, but I think that will give him more of a feeling that he has more say.

For me, it's not really about being right, wrong, better, or worse...it's about finding a solution that we can both be content with.

Especially because he doesn't want to sit down and talk about it together.



So...DH and I had counseling while still engaged. It helped immensely. He had individual counseling before we went to couples, and it helped him a million times more than he thought it would.

When he overspent by $800 not once but twice, during a time when we didn't HAVE an extra $800, I took it all over and it's not going back to him. DH and I each get $25/month for fun. That's it. Maybe that will make your husband feel better if you tell him? Because surely he gets more than that per month. Now, haircuts don't come from that, and he goes to a man salon, while I haven't gotten a haircut since Labor Day weekend 2012 (long curly hair, what's to bother with?), LOL. We have a lot of leeway from our main money, and we even budget monthly for weekly Starbucks visits from main money, AND he travels a lot and gets per diem from his company...so he's getting lots of indulgences in other ways...but it hasn't been like that for the whole time.


Somehow you're going to have to get him to sit down and brainstorm as to what would work for his brain. How can you guys come up with a solution that doesn't end up with him feeling like you're in charge again. (of course, you might ask why that's such a bad thing, to have one person in charge of finances...if you are church-going folk you might talk to a minister...all of my religious friends and family have things very clearly set out as to who is in charge of what, and they end up happy with it...companies have finance departments, etc...it's not unique to your family that one person is doing most of the work and making sure you aren't withdrawn each month) How can this be done so he doesn't still feel like YOU are in charge.

Honestly that's a conversation that, if I were having it with MY husband...would be in the presence of a trusted, neutral, counselor. For real, and with experience behind me. Too much background stuff going on for it to be a sitting-in-our-living room talk. And that's MY experience on that stuff. That it's likely bigger than you think. And there are ways to help with it.

 

[SEA333]

If you control how the money is meted out, then yes, your husband is getting an "allowance". Most guys aren't crazy about the thought that they have to answer for every penny that they spend and it sounds like yours is a part of that majority.

I still think that even though your husband hates discussing the family finances, it's necessary for the two of you to sit down on a regular basis to talk about where the money goes (or should go). Incomes change. Priorities change. Costs change. Even couples who combine their paychecks and pay their bills together discuss their budgets on a regular basis if they want to head off problems.

IMO, transparency is really important if you're going to give each other specific bills to pay. I'd certainly want to know for sure that the mortgage was being paid in full and on time each month. And my husband wouldn't want to go to take a shower only to learn that the water had been shut off because I hadn't paid the bill. It's not about controlling the finances. It's about knowing where WE stand financially.

Completely agreed!!

I've made it too easy for him to ignore the finances, and it is time to get us back under the communication umbrella. I love the idea of 3 accounts - his, mine, and joint, where he can control what he is doing, I can continue on with mine, and we can deposit the bill money into the 3rd, where I can make sure they are getting paid.

Thanks!

 

[crisi]

For my husband what he DOESN'T need is YNAB - to him, the money going into savings is money he can plan to spend. And since we save a lot, he'd see all that cash and think its spendable. And it is - but he also wants to quit his job and start consulting and I want a lot of free cash to start that. And he likes to buy a new car every few years and they aren't cheap. And I want to vacation with kids....So I purposely don't share with him what is in the budget. And it isn't that our priorities are different, he is on board with the financial priorities - he'll just spend for what he wants today rather than saving for something larger tomorrow - and not really internalize that its the same money (he has gotten better). Especially when the tomorrow money is a large amount of money (finish the basement money, start a consulting business money) and the today money is $100 on picking up the happy hour tab. I'll make compromises for the sake of the kids (I don't need new shoes, the kids do). He won't see it as coming out of the same money - he wants shoes, the kids want shoes, they are paid for by the shoe fairy.

 

[crisi]

You might have noticed how many exes have been mentioned on this thread. The finances might have been the best part of it all (though in the experience of my friends who have divorced, finances have been THE root cause of every bit of unhappiness...the amount of time you have to work to get money, how you spend money, who makes more money, etc) but things still wear at you.

In my case I can say that without a doubt it had nothing to do with money and everything to do with him deciding I should be ok with his girlfriend moving in with us.

Well, I suppose it had to do with money, since I was expected to support her - but root cause was there was a girlfriend at all.

 

[Happyjen27]

Thank you to you both!

I like the idea of a 3rd account that both of us deposit money into for bills and household expenses. I am a little worried that he won't be able to do this - I make a little more than him, but I carry the insurance and deposits for the HSA account, so we actually bring home just about the same amounts, which makes it a little easier to figure who should pay what.

I gave him the mortgage, car insurance, phone bill and his gas and spending money. I pay the rest. We are almost debt free and do not use credit cards, so it's pretty much just the things I mentioned already plus utilities and living expenses. I gave DH the choice of the three "big" things or all of the little things, and he picked the mortgage, et al.

Like another poster brought up...now how do I let go and have faith that he will budget enough to pay those things??!! He never wastes big amounts of money, doesn't drink, smoke, go out, fish, golf, or do any other expensive hobbies - he coaches our boys' football teams (which, for the coaches translates into an 8-9 month commitment if you count the behind the scenes stuff) and that is about it. So I don't really worry about his spending the money away - I worry that it will be nickel and dime stuff that he will think he has more than he actually does, and be short when it when it comes time to pay the mortgage.

Our mortgage is automated, we got like 1/8th a percentage off by arranging direct deposit into a separate account held by the mortgage holder, and then the mortgage funds are taken from that separate account monthly.

You could do something like that. Set up one separate account just for the mortgage and have part of your husband's pay direct deposited into that account. Then the mortgage payment is taken right from that account.

I also recently saved 2% on my car insurance by automating payments, so maybe you can do that too?

Once that is automated, it's easy to let the rest go. So, bummer, the phone gets cancelled, you can cope with that. His gas and spending, well, he'll notice if those are gone.

With the important stuff automated, and the frivolous stuff (phone, gas, spending) at his discretion, he's able to be financially free to make his own decisions and the consequences of any failures won't be tied to you. You could even pitch it as a way to save money since I saved on both of these things by automating.

ETA: I think this is even better than 3 accounts, 2 of which you manage. Because it's still letting him take the back seat to responsibility. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he will know that you will funnel money from your account to the joint if you need to. He may surprise you and himself if he is solely responsible for his own choices. I'm not saying it won't work, I know many loving, happy marriages that involve exactly this set-up, I'm not knocking it. But, from what you've posted, I think he will feel more autonomous, less controlled, and more like a respected partner if he has full responsibility and control of his finances.

 

[pryncess527]

For my husband what he DOESN'T need is YNAB - to him, the money going into savings is money he can plan to spend. And since we save a lot, he'd see all that cash and think its spendable. .

YNAB is actually exactly what helped us stop doing that, because instead of a nebulous blob of savings, the dollars had jobs. Robbing "car repair" or some other category of savings with a very specific goal, is much harder, at least for us, than robbing "savings" to cover something we want. We making spending decisions based on our budget category balances and do not look at the (ever growing) balance of our checking/savings, because those dollars have jobs.

 

[robinb]

We use the 3rd "Bill Paying Account" method even though I have not worked since my DD was born. We added up all our monthly expenses and pro-rated the yearly ones and each of us would deposit a percentage into the Bill Paying Account according to our income. At the time my DH made about 50% more than I did so he contributed more. The rest of our paycheck was our own to spend or save or whatever. You can also do that once you deduct how much you spend on things automatically deducted from your paycheck. Since both paychecks are deposited into one account you can simply transfer the excess from both paychecks into each person's individual accounts.

Now here's the kick. If he uses his credit card for something nutty-I cut up his card in his wallet; which really is problematic next time he needs it. It has helped tremendously.

Whoa. You took your husband's credit card out of his wallet and cut it up because he spent money on something you didn't approve of even though he earns "an incredible income"? I have to say that would not fly in my marriage.

 

[akcire]

If you control how the money is meted out, then yes, your husband is getting an "allowance". Most guys aren't crazy about the thought that they have to answer for every penny that they spend and it sounds like yours is a part of that majority.

I still think that even though your husband hates discussing the family finances, it's necessary for the two of you to sit down on a regular basis to talk about where the money goes (or should go). Incomes change. Priorities change. Costs change. Even couples who combine their paychecks and pay their bills together discuss their budgets on a regular basis if they want to head off problems.

IMO, transparency is really important if you're going to give each other specific bills to pay. I'd certainly want to know for sure that the mortgage was being paid in full and on time each month. And my husband wouldn't want to go to take a shower only to learn that the water had been shut off because I hadn't paid the bill. It's not about controlling the finances. It's about knowing where WE stand financially.

In my case my husband prefers the allowance. Now he can raise his allowance at any time, since the money is directed by his company into the various accounts we use; I only ask for a notice so I can expect a smaller deposit into the long term savings account.

We don't have a problem with bills, but sometimes the discretionary spending gets higher than either one of us would like. This keeps him in check. He is more loose with money than me. Seeing a bill is enough to keep me in check.

That said, I never hide money from him. We prepare a net worth sheet every few months by updating our excel spreadsheet. We both know what we have, I am just in charge of the day to day book keeping.

 

[eliza61]

Dh and I had a wonderful 27 years together and always had separate accounts.
Worked wonderful for us.
We also had a joint account.
My husband was the better saver but I was the better budgeter/shopper, meaning my husband would never use coupon and didn't care if he got some thing on sale or not.
For example when he booked our first trip to Disney, he simply went to a ta and booked, didn't ask about discounts, nothing.
But the man could squeeze a quarter until it died once he got a goal. LOl

Truthfully I think he was more than happy to turn over the day to day finances to me, it is rather tedious and boring (at least to me).

Anyhoo, generally we simply talked a lot about what needed to be paid and what expenses we had coming up. We also agreed that if some thing cost more than 300 bucks we discussed before buying.

Op, I'm the type that would not be ok with having to discuss every penny I spent. I mean, I really don't want to have to go to my husband when I buy a 25 dollar box of hair color. that would definitely cause me to have a meltdown and if my dh had to tell me every time he had a beer at the ball game, I'd throw the check book at his head.

 

[eliza61]

In my case I can say that without a doubt it had nothing to do with money and everything to do with him deciding I should be ok with his girlfriend moving in with us.

Well, I suppose it had to do with money, since I was expected to support her - but root cause was there was a girlfriend at all.

LOL. I'm thinking that may be a tad bit of a problem with me too Crisi.

 

[akcire]

Whoa. You took your husband's credit card out of his wallet and cut it up because he spent money on something you didn't approve of even though he earns "an incredible income"? I have to say that would not fly in my marriage.

It's not about approval, but conforming with the rules we set for ourselves. I keep the checkbook because I wasn't comfortable with it rounded to the nearest hundred dollars-not even kidding. I like it balanced to the penny. He is glad to have me pay the bills-he actually hates the bill pay website we use. If he has to use it for some reason, it usually involves a telephone call to me. We rarely if ever write a physical check out of the household account.

As for clipping the card, it happens at least twice a year. It is actually easier for me to just clip the card, than address it verbally. He doesn't need me to tell him, sometimes he just needs a reminder. (He has access to funds, he's just too lazy to plan and grab cash from the house). He gets a healthy allowance in a separate checking account (which is never balanced) so if he's using the credit card it's probably also him not having checked his bank account in weeks. (He has a company car, so doesn't buy gas for his car; nor does he buy groceries--most of his spending is eating out or snacks he buys when getting gas with an occasional hair cut). I'm more likely to address any odd or extra purchases I make with him before I do it, but he's called me to the carpet before.

As for it not working in your marriage. That's ok, cause it's happening in my marriage. After 16 years we have a system that works for us. When he finds the clipped card, he'll log into his account and acknowledge the charge. By the time I cut the card the new one is already on the way to the house, we have joint cards.