School Lunch--Kid Buying Too Much in Cafeteria?

[yeartolate]

If a child cannot understand that he is only allowed 1 lunch and after repeated warnings cannot control himself, he either has discipline issues or psychological issues. Either way, it seems things are out of control. You cannot expect a teacher to discipline when you cannot achieve this yourself. There is nothing wrong with getting help.

 

[supersuperwendy]

My kids have a pin number to purchase lunch. We deposit cash in the account. We have to designate what amounts we want in MEAL and A LA CARTE. My daughter was blowing threw her a la carte for ice cream and stuff so I stopped putting money in it. She could only buy the standard lunch. This year w/ 2 kids in school...i'm just packing lunches. I'm tired of dealing with their lunch accounts!!!! I got to eat lunch w/her one day last year and I couldn't believe what they served! It was so gross. They don't even cook anything. It's all crap brought in by outside vendors. Now she takes what I make! I like it so much better! Yesterday it was a cheese sandwich, broccoli florets, rice crispy treat and milk! She loved it!!!!

 

[melomouse]

Where are we, page 12?? Lots of good suggestions an compassionate responses, vhoffman.

I don't usually jump in on these threads unless something powerfully hits me on a gut level. And the "something else" that many posters have alluded to is, for me, a definite!!!!

It's not about money or food. It is definitely about controlling and being out-of-control. I think your DS knows LOTS about the tough times at home - much more than you think. Trust me on this one. I also think he's scared and hurting and trapped and, as a result, totally out of control with the food buying.

The thing that's throwing you off ( and I don't know how he's been academically, in class, socially, etc.)- is that although the SETTING is the school cafeteria - the setting has nothing to do with all this. It is however, the most unstructured, un-professionally supervised time in a school day. Lots goes on that parents would not DREAM of.

vhoffman, you asked for help. You need the teacher, school psychologist and principal in a meeting. By Monday afternoon or Tuesday. I strongly believe he's been being bullied BIG TIME for a very long time and is even perhaps OWNED by some peers. Another poster brought up after school hours and the value of the 5 Gatirades in exchange for something....??Yup....your DS may be "coping" the best he can under the circumstances and I think he feels very badly, but I think he's trapped somehow.

Working with kids' and family's troublesome behaviors is what I do. That's before I come home to my 2 little darlings as a widowed mom. I sure know how tough parenting can be - but this kid is in some kind of bad spot. He's needs you to call out the troops and stop questioning yourself and take it as serious as it is.

sending prayers...

 

[jcemom]

I just wanted to send a little pixie dust your way...I hope you find a resolution to the problem. It would be easy enough for me to sit here and type a response telling you what I would do and what you should do, I guess, but I won't. To be honest, I don't know what I would do in your situation, it sounds really tough. I just wish you all the best.

I will say that I think it's ridiculous that elementary students are allowed to charge anything they want and as much as they want, even when their account is empty.

 

[FayeW]

What I am getting from this is that you want to do the right thing (pack his lunch each and everyday, no treats bought at school), but it isn't really convenient for you to do the right thing. So, you have to decide what you want more: for your life to be convenient, or to get control of your child's defiance issues, and the stress his overspending is causing in your family while you are trying to cut expenses! Is your convenience worth more than your family's financial well-being. Is it worth more than your husband having the option to occasionally de-stress by having lunch away from the office? Several people have suggested you go to the school at lunch time and sit with him. I think it is a great idea, yet you haven't commented on whether or not you are serious enough about this to do it. Is it an option?

FWIW, my son is horrible with his money. He is forgets his change, loses his wallet, etc (he's 9). A couple of weeks ago, at summer camp, he was going on an outing and I gave him $2.00 to buy a treat. When I picked him up, he asked for more money to get something from the vending machine. I asked him what he did with the money I had already given him. It turns out, he wanted a particular chocolate bar, but had been asked by the camp counsellor not to buy it because some kids in the camp had nut allergies,so he chose something different. Now he wanted me to buy him what he really wanted, since he had spent his money on a treat he didn't REALLY want. Makes sense, right? Yeah, to a 9 yr old it does. He got a real quick lesson on making choices, and let me tell you he wasn't happy with me. (Apparently I don't even love him). I explained that you can only spend each dollar once, and that he had had a choice to save his money and buy the treat he REALLY wanted later, or the choice he made, which was to spend the money on something else. Same thing with your son. Sit him down, explain about Dad's job issue, and SHOW him the bills that the money he blew could have been used to pay. Cancel his lunch priviledges, and pack his lunch.

 

[dis ms.]

I haven't read through all the responses, so forgive me if this is repetitious.

OP, you sound upset with the school: "...so I'm going to have to talk with the principal. I'd like to see her spend $$$ on lunches, when she's already spent $$$ on packing one." Yes, the school lunch policy is flawed, but your son is clearly taking advantage. If it were my son, he'd bear the brunt of my anger.

I would suspend his account altogether for a period of time. On those days/nights that you're too busy to pack his lunch, have him do it himself. He's 9 or 10, right? Surely he can slap together two pieces of bread.

At this point, I wouldn't be concerned with allowing him more options or making sure he still has access to extras. Your son should be held accountable for his lunchroom spending sprees and losing his buying privileges would be a good consequence.

 

[MrsPete]

The problem is two-fold, and you're going to have to fight both issues:

For the child . . .
First, you need to ascertain FOR CERTAIN whether there's a bully-type reason he's doing these things. If someone else is demanding the food from him, you need to deal with that issue. However, since the problem has been going on for five years, I find that difficult to believe. He's not in the same classes, on the same busses, etc., so the kids in his life have certainly changed over the year -- yet this issue has remained problematic. That makes me think it's a him-thing, not problems with another kid.

If, as seems most likely, this is just bad behavior, you need to stomp it out. First, tell him that buying lunch is a thing of the past. He cannot handle the responsbility, so the privledge is gone. He doesn't grasp the idea of moderation, so he cannot be trusted to go through the line. Tell him you'll make sure he has a good bag lunch every day (put something "good" in every day -- not just PB&J and carrot sticks day after day), and that he is absolutely forbidden to buy lunch.

Next, you need punishment. What does he care about? TV? His bike? Time with friends? Set up the rules, and if he breaks them, he looses whatever you decide is appropriate. Or have him do extra work around the house to earn back the extra money he's wasted. No letting up before the punishment is done. No relenting for promises of "never again". Nothing. The punishment is what the punishment is. Usually when there's a big issue like this -- and especially when the problem has gone on for five years and has become ingrained -- things get worse before they get better. The child will test you. If you want this problem to end, you must be firm with him, put your foot down, and make the problem stop.

Now, about the school . . .
They are not the instigator of the problem, but they certainly aren't working with you to stop the issue. I would set up a meeting with the cafeteria manager, the classroom teacher, and the principal. Go over what's happened over the course of the situation. Explain that you've requested that his lunch account be closed. Explain that the child IS being fed breakfast at home, and he IS bringing a bag lunch. Tell them that you absolutley forbid him to purchase ANYTHING from the cafeteria, not even a carton of milk. Tell them that if he "forgets" his lunch, he can go hungry for a day -- missing one meal won't hurt him, but it might help him remember next time (or not throw it away next time). Tell them that you will NOT pay for any food that is given to him from the cafeteria. Give this to them in writing. The next day, mail a letter to all three (via certified mail) saying, "This is a follow-up to our conversation yesterday, just reminding you that I will not pay . . . ". Document the date and time of your meeting.

Give it a couple weeks. If they refuse to work with you, to go the county office. Explain to them the steps you've gone through to stop this problem. I'd be surprised if they didn't help you, but if they don't, go to the school board.

Right now your son is bullying YOU through this behavior, and the school is aiding him. You can stop this, but it probably won't be easy or pleasant. However, if you don't stop it in elementary school, you will have very little chance of doing so in middle or high school. Once they reach those ages, the kids have many more choices for lunch and much more freedom. If your son doesn't learn to use moderation NOW, he will probably "go wild" in the older grades -- and possibly in more dangerous ways than overbuying of school lunches.

 

[sk!mom]

You had mentioned in another post, about the issues in your classrooms with room parents expecting parents to send in gifts to the teachers on a regular basis, at significant expense. I stated then, and I'll state again, that if you are having that many issues with the school, you might need to realistically look into other school options for your kids. Are there other schools in your district? I can assure you that I wouldn't put up with any of these issues; it sounds totally out of hand to me.

Good Luck.

Julia

I also suggested in the other thread that maybe you should be looking at different educational choices for your family.

I agree with those posters who have said that this is mostly a parenting isssue. You seem to make excuses when people suggest that you get tough with your DS. I would pack everyday (I do anyway and I work fulltime) and let the school know that all cafeteria charges are to be suspended for DS. Best of luck

 

[robsmom]

But then how would the child get the occasional extras if the parent wants him to be cut off, but allowed occasional extras - as in the case of the OP?

He would gradually earn the extra's back but proving in other areas that his is learning responsiblity and respect for his parents!! When it looks like he has then his charge privildeges get added back and I would add them back so that as far as the school knows he has full priviledges but then tell the child what rules he must follow. If he breaks them, the account is closed again. He needs to learn to control his own behavior.

 

[tinker&belle]

OP-

Any decisions as the weekend is coming to a close? I've been thinking about your family and how much stress you are under and sending good wishes!

 

[arminnie]

My ds9 consistently goes way overboard with what he buys. Sometimes he buys 3+4 drinks, 2+3 chips, etc., per meal. That's in addition to the tray! I've had a constant battle between him and the school for years.

Too bad you are not in Arkansas - you'd have the governor on your side. There's a big article in the NY Times today (and a lot of other papers who run it also - I read it in the Orlando paper), about how the governor of AR is doing all of this stuff to curtail obesity and foster healthy eating paterns in school kids. The Guv lost over 100 lbs himself and is a true convert to exercise and healthy eating now.

 

[kaytieeldr]

The whole situation stinks and I do have to get control. unfortunately, control in this case means total control. Just close the account. Like I said, its one I never opened or agreed to. They do have a pay-online option where you can pay be cc and check the account daily, however, there's a fee and we're trying to control expenses, not add to them.

But (I would think) any such fee would still be much less than what it's costing you now for your son's food. Plus, it's a fixed cost; and you should be able to opt out of it once things are under control. It's not your son's business when/if you do stop monitoring what he spends.

Oh, geeez, now I'm the problem because I sometimes pack lunches and sometimes let them buy lunches. Does anyone else out there do so? I hate to totally clamp down on him because I would like to allow him more options, also, its a convenience thing for me. Who out there hasn't run out of bread late at night and didn't feel like going out for a loaf?

You're the problem? No. But given your pending financial situation, and that you're trying to cut back on what you spend, as posted upthread you really can be firm, as well as planning ahead. Actually, at nine, your son could be responsible for preparing his own lunch (and if you keep that emergency loaf of bread in the freezer, you should never run out).
Since the system takes money from your daughter's account if your son overspends, you probably need to get BOTH of them removed from the lunch-charging system. You said something earlier about sending your son to school with a check every day? You might have to do this for your daughter, while your son gets brought-from-home meals.

Its not just my child that abuses his lunch account, I've heard other parents complain, too.

Then you need to organize with these other parents and get the process or the system changed!

 

[va32h]

Oh, geeez, now I'm the problem because I sometimes pack lunches and sometimes let them buy lunches. Does anyone else out there do so? I hate to totally clamp down on him because I would like to allow him more options, also, its a convenience thing for me. Who out there hasn't run out of bread late at night and didn't feel like going out for a loaf?

The other posters have really been quite kind to you, but I think that coddling is not helping the problem.

Yes, you are the problem, because you are allowing a 4th grader to run your household.

Parenting is often inconvenient, and you are just going to have to deal with that.

Too many children are allowed to turn into brats and bullies because their parents "just don't feel like" getting off their butts and fixing the problem.

You've been given numerous suggestions, but you have an excuse for every single one. Either do something, or just learn to live with the fact that your 9 year old child will dictate how your money is spent.

It is not the cafeteria worker's job to fix your problem, not the principal's job to fix your problem. Your problem is that your son has no respect for you or your authority, and only you can do anything about that.

 

[tjmw2727]

I have a 9yo dd in 4th and an 11yo in 6th and I totally understand the lunch account system.

Based on your posts, here is what I think I would do in your situation ~ keep in mind I am basing this on the information you have given so far.

From what I have read the school has a policy, it has been in place for a few years and your son is not following the rules and really hasn't been asked to for 3+ years now. In his mind he is likely thinking why is this year any different.

You have been trying to change both your son's behavior and the cafeteria rules with no luck so far. Personally I would leave the cafeteria situation alone for now and work on teaching your son to follow the rules. Your son is the most important factor in the situation right now. Then if you have an issue with the way the cafeteria is run take on that challenge.

Sit down alone or with your dh and come up with new rules and real consequences for breaking them, be prepared to be tough and to follow through. If it were me it would be no more charging at all at all with brown bag every day. Since it sounds like you think he is looking for more control I would let him choose what he takes each day. Consider bringing him to the grocery store for some "lunch shopping" so he starts to feel even more involved. Try and give him control in other areas if you can as well. Yep its a pain to make lunch every day, its easier to shop by yourself but your son is important enough do do this for a few weeks/months. Just like when they were toddlers if you give in just once you start from square one!

Sit your son down and explain the rules - yes I am sure you have but do it again. Do it seriously and explain why and what the consequences will be. I personally would not accompany your child to lunch for two reasons. One is that in 4th grade that could devistate his self-esteem and second you want to give him back control and this would not accomplish that. I would however check his account every day and follow through with the consequence agreed on. If he breaks the rules I would definately make him pay you all the charges in addition to having him do a meaningful chore. You could take away a privlege but it sounds like making him more responsible for his choices and feeling like an important part of the family will work better. IMHO real chores do this.

At some point you can start rewarding good behavior with a pizza lunc purchase (just one no extra's) but I would not do that for at least a few months.

You sound like a caring parent with a frustrating situation. The sooner you hold your son accountable for his actions the sooner you will all feel more control. Looking ahead your son will be in more and more situations where you can't control the enviornment and you will need your son to make the right decisions. Start now for his sake and your peice of mind~~

TJ

 

[gosteel75]

Don't you all just love it when parents blame everyone but themselves for their children's problems?

COME ON PEOPLE!!!!! There's no excuse for being such a bad parent. Step up, take responsibility for your kid's actions and take whatever action is necessary to correct the problem. Suck it up, be a parent and quit making excuses for your spoiled little brat of a kid.

 

[gina2000]

I'm confused. In our schools kids get up by table to get their lunches. Once they have their lunch, they are only allowed to get up and use the restroom. Older children can use vending machines when their tables get up to get food. After their table has gotten up, no one from that table is allowed to purchase food. As a group they get up and dispose of their trays and garbage.

Are kids allowed to wander in the lunchrooms? Must be chaos.

 

[AdventureGuru]

just my thoughts...

make HIM pay for his own account...cut him off essentially...pack him a lunch and if he want to put money on the card than it needs to come out of his pocket...

 

[mum4jenn]

OP you ar NOT a bad parent and the ones that are telling you this should be ashamed!!

 

[gosteel75]

I'm NOT ashamed for calling them like I see them.

This entire thread is a prime example of what's wrong with parents today, and why children behave so badly. They want to blame anyone and everyone for their child's problems but themselves.

 

[va32h]

No shame here, either.

The OP needs to stop making excuses for herself and her kid. Go to the school and sit there at lunch every single day until the child understands what is acceptable and what is not. That won't be terribly convenient. Guess what. NOTHING about raising a child is convenient for adults.