School Lunch--Kid Buying Too Much in Cafeteria?

[LuluLovesDisney]

I was just curious as to why you are saying it hurts you to cut off your son?You are disciplining him and he will learn that there are consequences for his bad behavior. Wanting something never killed anyone. As long as you pack him a nutritional lunch he will be just fine. Why would you want to reward him with a treat, when he doesn't respect what you have told him?? Treats, rewards, extras are earned....and his behavior does not warrant them. Why would you hate for him to want something and not get it, when you want him to stop the bad behavior and he refuses??? If nothing else, think how your daughter must feel when she obeys the rules, and your son doesn't and he receives the same treats/extras as her....dh is sitting in a car brown bagging it....just say no!

I agree.

Don't feel bad. This is what he needs. Cancel his account. You can always reinstate it later once he's proven he is over his rough patch of behavior.

It used to be that being a child, you had very little part in consumerism and as you got older, got a job, etc. you got more freedom, more personal spending, etc. Now, it seems that I am seeing the opposite- children who own more than the parents! Kids who have expensive sneakers and electronics while parents are struggling. Kids need a little denial in order to really appreciate money. They need to understand that buying power only comes through working to earn money and holding on to what you have and spending it judiciously, not being wasteful.

I think by being firm at this stage, you will be teaching your son a really important lesson and giving him something that will last much longer than any cookie he can buy.

At the high school at which I teach, kids have to spend cash, unless they are on free lunch which only requires ID. The free lunch purchases are restricted as well.

A question about the lunches. Do you think you could perhaps draw him a picture - literally? I mean take about how much he spends/wastes in school in a week and give him a picture of the things it could be spent on. Like, for the price of those 8 extra trays you bought last week, we could have bought 10 gallons of ice cream, or 8 bags of cookies at Costco.

You could also share with him that it could have paid the water bill, or other items like that, to teach him about having to pay bills in life. You have mentioned in three posts about your DH being denied food and that he deserves a treat while your son is merrily charging. I'm wondering if you've mentioned that to him?

Maybe he's acting out, trying to prove something about this? I'd definitely sit down and really talk to him about all this - that you're not just trying to control him as a hobby, but that it's a really important thing. That he deserves treats, too, but that everyone in the world doesn't get everything they want or deserve.

I love Disney and I think I deserve to go four times a year, and stay in Deluxe resorts. I can't afford that, but that's not indicative of my personal worth. Try to share with him that what you buy or how many treats you get isn't a measure of your worth or a way to make yourself feel better.

I would cancel his account. I would give him a budget and let him pick what to pack for lunch - like "You can pick one treat, one piece of fruit or a yogurt, one type of bread and two types of lunch meat per week." By letting him make the choices, he might get some of that control feeling you said you thought he was trying to get. I would also follow up to make sure he's not trading lunches, getting someone else to buy them, stealing them or getting them some other way. (Just in case)

You should make a plan you're comfortable with and stick to it. Just remember that self discipline and responsibility are great gifts and you should be proud that you care enough about your child to research your options and thoughtfully plan out what you're going to do. The biggest thing is to be consistent and don't let the tail wag the dog so to speak- don't let the kid call the shots. You're the parent. Have confidence in your decisions. Good luck!!

 

[vhoffman]

Oh, geeez, now I'm the problem because I sometimes pack lunches and sometimes let them buy lunches. Does anyone else out there do so? I hate to totally clamp down on him because I would like to allow him more options, also, its a convenience thing for me. Who out there hasn't run out of bread late at night and didn't feel like going out for a loaf?

I shouldn't have to defend why I let ds buy lunches at school. However, now that the situation has gotten out of hand, I am going to cut him off, if I can get control of the card system. Please understand, I'm not the only one involved in this. I'm not the problem, I'm trying to come up with a solution, and it does involve the cooperation of school and ds. Why do I feel bad about cutting him off from buying stuff? It would be nice if he could have an ocassional treat, like dd buys. Who out there hasn't just wanted something extra once in awhile? Its more than awhile that's getting out of hand. If I don't cut him off completely it will never get resolved. I've found with ds (at least in this situation) there's no half-measures. But, why do I feel bad about it? Because he's my son, not just a problem to be handled!

 

[TnTWalter]

That's what I would do. Best of luck. I can imagine that would be frustrating to say the least!

Trish

 

[Skatermom23]

Oh, geeez, now I'm the problem because I sometimes pack lunches and sometimes let them buy lunches. Does anyone else out there do so? I hate to totally clamp down on him because I would like to allow him more options, also, its a convenience thing for me. Who out there hasn't run out of bread late at night and didn't feel like going out for a loaf?

I shouldn't have to defend why I let ds buy lunches at school. However, now that the situation has gotten out of hand, I am going to cut him off, if I can get control of the card system. Please understand, I'm not the only one involved in this. I'm not the problem, I'm trying to come up with a solution, and it does involve the cooperation of school and ds. Why do I feel bad about cutting him off from buying stuff? It would be nice if he could have an ocassional treat, like dd buys. Who out there hasn't just wanted something extra once in awhile? Its more than awhile that's getting out of hand. If I don't cut him off completely it will never get resolved. I've found with ds (at least in this situaiton) there's no half-measures. But, why do I feel bad about it? Because he's my son, not just a problem to be handled!

If my son had done this, I would have not allowed him school lunches...period. There was a time when he was buying two lunches a day and he was running out of money before his next check was due. I told him if he wanted to eat on those days then he needed to pack his own lunch from home. I got through to him real fast. You say you want him to have an ocassional treat, well that is something to be earned. You need to set some guidelines and stick to them.

 

[vhoffman]

Lulu,
Excellent, well-thought out ideas! I realize this is a control issue with ds. (Do realize, I never opened or authorized a lunch account. In our school, all the kids are issued id cards to use to buy lunch, library, etc. They can run up any type of charge, even if there's no money in the account, and the parent is billed later! There needs to be a change to that system, too!) He didn't invent this game, but he's playing it to the hilt!

However, I really like your idea of replacing his control, rather than just removing it, by allowing him to have input into his lunches from home, etc. Also, I like the idea of some sort of graphic idea of how much he is really spending--a pie chart would be a great eye opener! Let him know this isn't something I dreamed up just to have control over him, there really is a reason for it. Of course, whether he agrees with the reason, or not, too bad. He's cut off from buying as soon as I can set up the logistics. He doesn't have to agree with me to do what I say, but it would be helpful if he did.

Like your suggestions!

 

[Mskanga]

I work in an elementary cafeteria and in our school district . kids are only allowed to take one meal per lunch period , and we know when they have had it already because in our computer system we have a "lunch key" and when they get their lunch that key goes away , so even if they try to get another lunch from another line , they can't.
Only one snack is allowed per person and only when they have money in the account or cash with them . Parents can have blocks on snacks placed on the kids accounts , furthermore no money can be borrowed from siblings accounts.
Kids can borrow up to 3 lunches and after that they get PB&J until the account is paid and money is deposited. If anyone owes money at the end of the school year , the report cards are not given out until the balance owed is paid , notices are sent two weeks before.
High school age kids are not allowed to borrow at all , if they have no money , no food.
Vhoffman , I believe there's more that the school can do but for some reason they don't want to. I agree that your son should suffer consequences for his actions but the school is making a big mistake by allowing kids to charge 3-4 lunches or more than one snack.

 

[vhoffman]

Mskanga,
Thanks for realizing that the school does have some responsibility in this matter. I can't stand over ds and the school and tell them what to buy every day. Common sense wouldn't allow kids to buy multiple trays, etc., in one day!

Its not just my child that abuses his lunch account, I've heard other parents complain, too. I don't know how excessive the problem is with other students, but we're not the only ones. I shouldn't have to totally block his lunch buying privileges to get control over his account, but it looks that's the only real option I have right now. I would like the option of letting him buy an ocassional lunch when its more convenient but it looks like I can't do so with the current system. But he is abusing it. We're trying to tighten up on expenses right now and there's no middle ground with this situation, at least with ds (dd, on the other hand, doesn't abuse her account. she buys one tray, sometimes an extra, but it doesn't get out of hand like with ds!) He's just going to have to learn that we're not obligated to provide him with everything his heart desires, including food he doesn't even eat!

 

[Mom21]

Oh, geeez, now I'm the problem because I sometimes pack lunches and sometimes let them buy lunches. Does anyone else out there do so? I hate to totally clamp down on him because I would like to allow him more options, also, its a convenience thing for me. Who out there hasn't run out of bread late at night and didn't feel like going out for a loaf?

I haven't read all the posts, but I am sure no one is saying you are the problem. Can I give you the benefit of thousands of dollars of child therapy without you having to pay since I already did? ( let's just say dd is a handful). Do you want it to be convenient or do you want it to be right? He has proven that he can manipulate you. he knows you like the convenience of him buying. My suggestions:
1. Shut off his buying power immediately on Monday.
2. Go shopping and have things he can pack for himself. Just because you don't have bread is no reason for him to starve......granola bars or cereal are fine.
3. he needs to pack his own food. If he doesn't, I guarantee it won't happen more than once or twice.
4. I would remind him to pack. I am not saying you shouldn't help him. If you remind him and he chooses to not do so, he can starve. One day won't hurt him. Bet he won't do it the next....ask me how I know . When he comes home, he can make his own snack.

it is amazing what they can do given the incentive. For example, today my dd informs me 30 minutes before time that she wants to go to cheer. I was on the phone and she needed to eat before she went. I told her to go find something as I really needed to finish the call. I got off a few minutes later and she had cut open a sub roll, added deli turkey, shredded lettuce on her own (did a nice job too), mixed up a shaker full of oil, vinegar, salt, and pepper. Had herself a nice little deli sub going. She is 9 and most times I treat her like a baby. I always cook and pack and treat her. I even still fix her breakfast and carry it to the table in the morning. She is and always will be my baby and if I can treat her so be it.

But she knows right from wrong. If she isn't supposed to get "doubles" at lunch she best not. Last week she ask for a specific lunch. Then decided not to eat it and go through the line. No biggie, but she had to have the meal the next day. No questions asked. She asked for it and I was not wasting it.

I see a big problem with your school. At my dd's school you may charge 1 lunch only and then no more until the account is settled. The PTA does provide cheese crackers for those that don't pay. A bit sad for the kids but from what I understand it isn't really a problem. Those that can't afford lunch get free lunch anyway. I would be in the office on Monday shutting off his account. It may be a hassle to you but I think after a few weeks you could give him a little freedom and see how he does. Maybe 1 meal a week or so.

HTH and .

Cheers to you for being a mom that cares. It is hard isn't it? Some days I think dd is going to be the death of me.......

 

[bartleby1]

OP, I may be in the minority here, but I don't think closing his lunch account is the answer at all. You need to find a way to teach him that he needs to be responsible for his account and how to use it properly, rather than not using the account because he can't. Taking it away, IMO, is a temporary solution. You need a permanent one. Otherwise, he will never learn how to handle it responsibly and use self control.

You have spent a lot of time blaming the lunch ladies and the school, and perhaps they are partially at fault for allowing him to buy too much. However, it would be much more beneficial for your son to learn to have some self control instead of the school forcing him to only be allowed to buy a certain amount of food. There are going to be tons of "wrong" paths and behaviors that he can choose and often get away with, but he needs to be able to make the right choices on his own. This is what you need to be teaching him to do. Children need to learn to make the right choice when given the option of right and wrong. Not just pick the right choice because it is the only choice. It is kind of like when you have a toddler in the house who likes to touch your breakable knick-knacks. You can move everything out of their way so they can't touch, or you can teach them to make the right choice and exercise some self-control by leaving them where they are and teaching the toddler not to touch. They need the opportunity to learn to make good choices. Your son is not making good choices right now regarding lunch and his account and it is up to you to teach him how to make better choices, not just take the bad choice away.

Some of the previous posters have brought up some excellent suggestions on how to make him take responsibility for his actions. I love the idea of him paying for the excess from his allowance and if that doesn't cover it, you could sell of some of his toys or other belongings.

Personally, I wouldn't involve the school in this at all if you ever want him to be responsible with money. There are always temptations out there, he needs to learn how to deal with them and make better choices for himself. Sit down with him and discuss a solution together. Discuss what will happen if he makes good lunch choices (I liked the idea of allowing the pizza on friday if he does good M-TH!) and discuss what will happen if he makes bad lunch choices (chipping in his allowance, selling his toys, etc). Make him part of the solution.

 

[janette]

It really hurts me to have to totally cut ds off, but he's abused the privilege way too many times to give one more chance. Having a lunch account was convenient for those days when I just didn't want to pack a lunch for whatever reason. Also, I really hate cutting ds off totally. There are times when he, like everyone else, is just more hungry that day, something looks good, he'd like a treat, I'd hate for him to be wanting something and can't get it. DD does purchase an ocassional snack, ice cream, etc., which is ok because she's responsible with her money. After all, we all like a treat once in awhile. But ds is just abusing the whole issue. Maybe after a few months of packing a lunch he might appreciate buying privileges once in awhile. Until he learns that spending money isn't a game we'll have to put the skids on him.

It's past time to take control, if this has been going on for years he's learned that you won't do anything. I can't imagine that the school isn't able to take away his ability to charge food, especially if provided with a letter saying you won't be responsible for it. The card is just an ID card, every student has them but it doesn't mean they have unlimited priviledges.

 

[Nolcrest]

Is this the same son that has been riding his bike away from your house and not telling you where he is - after being spoken to repeatedly? I think I read that on another board. If so, there may be more going on here than just overspending for school lunches.

It seems like you have really gotten some very sound advice here. I say it's time to stop feeling sorry for him and let him deal with the consequences of his actions. I would make sure he brown bagged it for now. It seems like he needs to earn his privileges back.

I know your family is facing a possible lay-off but I remember two occasions within one week when you mentioned going out for pizza and grabbing McDonalds to reduce the stress when you were also trying to find ways to cut the budget. Any chance that your son buying this food is also helping him feel better at a stressful time?

Parenting is the toughest job around but some tough love will really pay off in the end.

 

[vhoffman]

I know your family is facing a possible lay-off but I remember two occasions within one week when you mentioned going out for pizza and grabbing McDonalds to reduce the stress when you were also trying to find ways to cut the budget. Any chance that your son buying this food is also helping him

I thought about that, but, no, it doesn't really fit because he's done this before. There's no real pattern that I can discern, sometimes he goes for quite sometime without running up a bill then I get a whopper. If there was some sort of pattern I could work with I would, but it seems the only thing to do for right now is just cut him off.

 

[NotUrsula]

If the card in question is also being used for things like library records, it has to be a bar-coded or mag-stripe card, which means it is being used with an automated system. It should be possible to use the system to flag the card for one daily use only, or set a per-day maximum on spending from it. I agree that the school system should be setting limits, if only because they need to be accountable for how much food is being prepared. Not doing that is wasting public funds.

I've personally never encountered a grade school (public or private) that allowed students to make unlimited multiple trips through the cafeteria line. Kids at DS' school are allowed to ask for seconds only if they have finished everything on their plates, and they are only allowed to have seconds of fruit, veggies and/or milk; no extras on the entree or the dessert.

 

[vhoffman]

I've personally never encountered a grade school (public or private) that allowed students to make unlimited multiple trips through the cafeteria line. Kids at DS' school are allowed to ask for seconds only if they have finished everything on their plates, and they are only allowed to have seconds of fruit, veggies and/or milk; no extras on the entree or the dessert.

Come to think of it, when I went to college and lived in a dorm on a meal plan we could only go through the main line once. We could get unlimited refills of milk, drinks, etc., and there was a salad and dessert table we could go to, but we could just go through the main line once. Actually, once was plenty! Same with high school, we were only allowed one tray.

 

[stlsports4ever]

No doubt! In my kids school they are actually having a rally about this. Its nuts. The food is so high and it isnt even focused on their health.

Mr. Mike

 

[hsmamato2]

The whole situation stinks and I do have to get control. unfortunately, control in this case means total control. Also, I really hate cutting ds off totally. There are times when he, like everyone else, is just more hungry that day, something looks good, he'd like a treat, I'd hate for him to be wanting something and can't get it. Until he learns that spending money isn't a game we'll have to put the skids on him.

I think you're saying a lot about yourself,and the way you view your kids here..... In what world will your son grow up whre just because he wants something,it shoud be handed to him? Kids are only kids for a while, the whole point of being a parent is training child to be a responsible adult..... So what if he wants a treat? and why would it hurt you to draw a line? A child who has been continuing this behavior for this long has been getting away with abusing his parents goodwill ,and that means you, the parents are allowing and encouraging it by not physically stopping it.
So no more complaining, and it's probably high time you took a close look at your motivations as a parent, and what kind of adult you want to see your child grow up to be!
Your dh scarfing a homemade sandwich in his car,while your kid is downing 5 gatorades a day? something's way off balance here, son needs to understand he doesn't have a job,Dad does, so dad deserves the extra food money for a nice lunch, not him!
Be strong! Someday you'll be glad you were! BTW, lots of Dis'ers on here with good old common sense...bravo!

 

[hsmamato2]

Oh, and BTW a good lesson to teach the kids? Spending money doesn't come from the trees, or the air over their heads, ot the ATM, it comes from their parents hard work,and their willingness to share some with the kiddos, who DON'T HAVE JOBS!*Earning* spending money is a privilege,a gift, something earned,not a right. Ditto for treats like gatorade and pizzas-

 

[Longsx3]

In DD(10) School:

We have the option of allowing lunch only purchases or setting a limit on how much they can spend each day.

That being said DD does not have a limit, what I have said is use it reasonsably or you loose it. It has been this way for 3yrs. I must say that If I told her one snack or no snack I have every expectation that is what she would do, the first time she didn't listen it would be considered a mistake and the secong time she didn't listen it would be punished!

As a parent sometimes punishments are as hard on me as they are on her but A) she doesn't know that and B) good parenting can require hard choices.

One thing DD did do last year was that she was taking 2 snacks to school when I inquired as to why it was becasue there was a child that did not have any, I agreed that we would provide snacks. Is it possible your some is buying lunch for others?

Even if he is buying lunch for others you have stated this problem is not related to just this year, I think it is time to get tough. I think that you need to put a stop to buying lunches, it doesn't have to inconvenience you since he didn't appreciate it when you were making lunches for him, he needs to make his own lunch. I think you also need to sit down and show him how much he is spending on lunches and what else your family could be doing with that money. When you feel like he has earned buying lunch back I would only allow him to buy it with his own money, once you see he is trust worthy then you can buy his lunch.

 

[rantnnravin]

OP-
you may want to consider the possibility that your DS is exchanging this "charged food" for cash for something else.
you deleted the post you had about his bike riding and you're not knowing where he goes, so i wasn't able to get a full picture, but these disappearances may have something to do with the "occasional" overcharging
--keeping my list to a fairly innocuous one: arcade? baseball card store? candy shop? ...

 

[surfgirl]

I know you don't like the answers, but you asked for advice for an out of control problem. Unfortunately, when you ask for advice you get it.

Based on the bike riding post, it appears that you have a ds who is on the verge of being out of control. Did the removal of his bike-riding privileges solve that problem? It was unfortunate that you also had to take away your dd's bike privileges since he was bribing her for her bike, but we try to stress that we are a family and sometimes that has benefits and sometimes it doesn't. We all need to work together.

I know you don't want to hear this, but blaming the school for the entire problem is just giving him an 'out'. We all need to take responsibility for our own behavior and he is old enough to understand that. If you tracked when his problem behavior occured, you may be able to establish a pattern (stress around school tests, or something else). I know you said there doesn't seem to be a pattern, but I would start a calendar or something to better measure it.

He clearly doesn't appreciate his privileges (Friday pizza, treats, etc.) if he is abusing them. I agree with others that something else is going on here and this is how it is manifesting itself. I also agree that you need to get control of this issue.

What does the teacher say ? Are there other discipline issues ?

So, the bottom line is this --> you've gotten some great advice and a variety of ideas, what have you decided to do ?