Saying NO to your children--this weeks People magazine

[Rock'n Robin]

Two stories in People this week really disturbed me.
The first one was about teens and internet porn. 70% of kids 15-19 have seen hard core porn on their computers--stuff like animals, etc. that I've still never seen (nor want to) at age 40! Some boys look because they are trying to figure out what to do with girls--some girls are jealous of the girls on the internet because they are so thin--it's an all around bad thing. One guy moved the laptop into the kitchen so his boys would stop looking at porn, but the minute mom turned her back to cook they looked anyhow--then minimized it when she turned back! And why wouldn't the next step be "no computer at all"????
The second was about "faux mitzvahs"--kids who miss having bar/bat mitzvahs because they aren't Jewish, so their parents have a big party at age 13 anyhow--one guy dropped $40000 (that is FORTY THOUSAND) on his daughter's party! Why? Supposedly to return the favor for all the bar/bat mitzvah's they go to, but without the "sitting at the ceremony in a suit" part. Or just jealousy. Now I don't know about you, but my kids will be confirmed in 8th grade and they will be having a small cake and snacks party for our families--that's it!
WHY CAN'T THESE PARENTS TELL THESE WHINY LITTLE BRATS "NO!!!!!" These kids come off as spoiled little princesses or princes. I'm so glad I don't live in one of the "large metropolitan areas" these are supposedly becoming common in.
Both of these stories to me made it look like the kids run these households! Even though there was a lot more to the porn story, the thought of those boys sneaking a look at porn with their mom in the room amazes me! Is there no discipline in that home? And what kind of Veruca Salt children are being produced in this country to demand themed parties at age 13!
Oh well, maybe I'm just a midwestern hick, but things like this depress me about the way our country will go in the future. Vent over!
Robin M.

 

[preshi]

I think I would have locked my computer i a safe if I found out my kid was doing that...

And there is no way in heck I'd spend 40K on a party for one night to keep up with the rest of the crowd... kid better be lucky they get to go to the other parties in the first place.

 

[two4ruff]

One former midwestern hick to another - that's crazy.

I wish I had $40000 for my kids education, not spoil them with a unnessary party so "they can get in good with their friends" (yeah, I read the article)

Geez!

 

[doxdogy]

I read the same article and had the same reaction as you did Robin.

 

[Wonderlandmom]

This is all part of kids getting too much too soon!
No such thing as waiting for anything anymore in many households.

 

[snoopy]

I may get flamed for this but I honestly feel that this whole mentality of making the child the center of the family universe is just wrong. These days, if you aren't entertaining your kid 24/7 you are a bad parent. If you dare to leave your kid with a sitter and go have dinner out with your husband you are a bad parent. If you don't have your child's entire life scheduled to the minute with activities, you are depriving your child. Meanwhile, these kids have been coddled for so long they don't know how to cope on their own. They haven't a clue as to how to entertain themselves. And God forbid you should tell the kid "no because I said so". This is supposed to be such a terrible thing, but it worked for my parents.

When I was little I certainly don't remember all this fuss. My parents went about their business on weekends, with the exception of ocassionally checking it to make sure we weren't burning the house down. My family did all the idyllic family stuff in terms of playing games together, having dinner together, and so on. But there was no question that sometimes, our parents had their own stuff to do. And that was cool -- we learned how to operate independently.

I really think both of these examples given are what happens when a kid is coddled too much. I could be wrong of course, but I'm seeing it more and more everyday and it drives me nuts.

 

[IMGONNABE40!]

We're sending our kid off to a sitter this very night so we can have a long over due night to ourselves. Dinner and a Rod Stewart concert! Woo hoo!

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

snoopy...ITA! There seems to be a philosophy called "Taking Kids Seriously", that while not all parents have heard of it or even subscribe to it, parts of it have creeped into the way a lot of people treat their kids these days. You don't tell the kids what to do, you <i>ask</i> them and if they don't want to do it, the parents (according to TKS) can't make them do it. You don't make a decisio as a parent, you ask the kids and come to a 'mutual agreement'. It seems to me the kids are in control of the parents than the other way around (which is how I thought it was supposed to be).

TOV

 

[Harley Chick]

I may get flamed for this but I honestly feel that this whole mentality of making the child the center of the family universe is just wrong

No flames here. It really is sad. These kids will never be truly happy or appreciate anything.

 

[RitaZ.]

Judi, you won't get flamed by me.

These days, if you aren't entertaining your kid 24/7 you are a bad parent. If you don't have your child's entire life scheduled to the minute with activities, you are depriving your child.

I agree with this. I'm surprised at how many parents say that their child isn't interested in anything... I think it's because the children haven't been allowed to develop or learn any hobbies. I don't believe in entertaining children all day long, or having them attend a bunch of activities to feel that I'm doing a great job as a parent or thinking that they will be more "well-rounded" because of the amount of activities that they attend. One of the best gifts that we can give our children is to set limits and tell them "NO!".

The whole "faux-mitzvah" idea sounds totally ridiculous to me.

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

The whole "faux-mitzvah" idea sounds totally ridiculous to me

Well not only that but you'd imagine that the Jewish community would be up in arms over this. After all, these people who throw the 'faux mitzvahs' for their sons/daughters are taking a meaningful, serious religious ceremony and making it cheap and commercialized.


TOV

 

[snoopy]

I think what it boils down to is there is some confusion on a child's wants versus their needs. Part of being a good parent is making that distinction. And that may be where the line is drawn - if you can't or won't make that distinction, you've gone over it, and you're letting your child down, as well, because a child needs a parent to make that distinction for them as part of teaching them how to make it for themselves. If they're not taught that, they grow up thinking that anything they *want* is necessary for their survival, because that's what they were taught. Hence the Faux Mitzvah thing, which is just about the silliest thing I've ever heard.

 

[snoopy]

Well not only that but you'd imagine that the Jewish community would be up in arms over this. After all, these people who throw the 'faux mitzvahs' for their sons/daughters are taking a meaningful, serious religious ceremony and making it cheap and commercialized.

Yup.

 

[Melora]

My step daugher will be 13 a year from next month.... her mother is already planning her bat mitzvah for more than 250 people.

My husband has already said that in no uncertain terms he (and the rest of our family) will NOT be attending because of how ridiculous this is. I know that her mother will pay $20,000+ or much more on this thing and neither of us feel this is right.

Her mother gives both of her kids every single thing they want and has made them the center of her life. It has made for spoiled not-fun-to-be-around children. They know better at our house, but I have witnessed them outside of our house but with their mother and they talk back aggressively and demand everything and she gives it to them. Her reasoning? "I don't want them to unhappy!"

 

[Cruise04]

You think it's bad now - wait until they get into college. I wish you all could spend a day at my office at the front desk. Because they have been waited on hand and foot and at the snap of a finger they expect it when they get to college. If we do not help them the moment they walk in the door they are down right rood. They pace and they stand at the receptionist desk and tap their fingers on the top of shelf. It's rude and it just makes me so mad. I sit and see all these people talk about this and that that their kids have and my daughter has none of it. I won't shower her with gifts because what I feel she needs to showered with is love. That's what makes a person!

 

[jwsqrdplus2]

I read the same stories and had the same reactions. Those children definitely run those households. I was really impressed with the father who claimed he had to to keep his kid in the popular crowd. If I had that kind of disposable cash, I could take my familiy to WDW several times over. AND still put plenty away for the girls for school.

 

[Jeafl]

I haven't read the article yet, but I have to agree with Snoopy, TOV and Melora. Parent's don't want to make their kids unhappy, so they don't discipline them.

I work part time at an elementary school, and it is so discouraging to see how many brats there are there,. They expect the teachers and staff to cater to them. They all have an excuse or reason on why something isn't their fault. Their parents run to school to complain over every little thing without finding out the entire story.

Another thing that drives me nuts is how the kids are allowed to run the household. A prime example is a 5th grade girl who wears pajamas to school on a regular basis. Her mom said she has to "pick her battles". She also doesn't make her child bathe on a regular basis, or even brush her teeth. The mother told the teacher that it wasn't worth fighting with her daughter over. I feel like asking her "exactly what battles DO you pick?".

All I can say is that if you don't set the groundrules when they are younger you are going to have a horrible time when they are teenagers.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

I'm glad so far you all had the same reaction. I was kind of afraid of getting flamed for depriving my poor children! I so feel for that girl who's mom won't make her bathe or brush her teeth! if she wants her in the popular crowd, that isn't going to do it!
One amazing thing is that our kids, while by no means saints in restaurants, say "may I please have a grilled cheese sandwich" or "thank you" when they get a refill, and so many wait personnel tell us how well-mannered they are! You would think that common courtesy was the norm, but I guess not.
I hear all the time from my students that my kids are going to rebel because I have such rules for them--they can't listen to the station that plays music with swear words, we have all MTV channels blocked on our TV, TV time is limited, I like to hear CDs before we buy them, I won't let my 12 year old on "teen" AOL because she is not a teen yet--they think I'm a huge meanie. Well, maybe they might rebel eventually, but like most of us I'm giving it my best shot! And that sure doesn't include expensive parties or letting them on the computer without it being in the living room where I can look at it whenever I want.
Robin M.

 

[Melora]

I've always been strict with my kids.. when my step kids mom comes to pick them up and shes arguing with the 9 year old to put on his shoes and he won't I say "Kevin, get your shoes on" and BOOM they are on... his mom says "How do you do that?!?" My answer is always the same....that they don't have a choice! There isnt an option of not complying.....

I have 3 teens.... 15, 16, 18. The 18 year old is off in the Air Force but I still have the girls and we get along great and they respect me and we do not fight. We've had some trials but for the most part the house is calm. (Well.. ahem.... there are those hormonally challenged times of the month that can get a little dicey, but we ride the wave for few days.... ) But we talk all the time and we don't have rebellion issues.

Jeff and I cringe when we think what is going to happen in his ex's household when those kids hit puberty.. the oldest is about to be 12 and its bad already. Jeff figures we will be have to add another kid to our mix cuz his ex ewon't be able to handle her in another year or 2.

 

[cruisnfamily]

Originally posted by Rock'n Robin
Well, maybe they might rebel eventually, but like most of us I'm giving it my best shot!

This is my theory too! I agree with your parenting style and ours is similiar