Sahm

[brockash]

My H has been a stay at home dad for 20 years. Our youngest is 15. I would LOVE for him to get a job. I make a good living but we don't have nearly enough saved for retirement. He thinks that if he can clip coupons and save $11 at the grocery store, he is doing a great thing. I have asked him what he is going to do when the next is empty - he gets angry every time I ask.

I would love to be in his position...to be able to take a job because it sound fun and not worry a lot about the money or benefits.

You say that, but really? You'd love to be in his position of never having any kind of real career? Looking back, would you have really rather given up your entire career to basically have none at all, and have a very low starting point now? Do you really wish you were in that position instead?

I get that it probably is time (or maybe overdue) for you DH to get a job, to bring in money ect., but to say that you'd "love to be in his position," like he has it so much better than you, I find pretty hard to believe. I imagine that he probably lacks a good amount of confidence, with good reason (if he's only been a SAHP for the last 20 years, like it or not, the outside world looks down upon that, and I doubt anyone is real eager to hire him,) and probably wishes he had started building some kind of career a long time ago, and I'm sure a lot times thinks he'd "love to be in your position."

Just some food for thought.

 

[momof1princess]

You say that, but really? You'd love to be in his position of never having any kind of real career? Looking back, would you have really rather given up your entire career to basically have none at all, and have a very low starting point now? Do you really wish you were in that position instead?

I get that it probably is time (or maybe overdue) for you DH to get a job, to bring in money ect., but to say that you'd "love to be in his position," like he has it so much better than you, I find pretty hard to believe. I imagine that he probably lacks a good amount of confidence, with good reason (if he's only been a SAHP for the last 20 years, like it or not, the outside world looks down upon that, and I doubt anyone is real eager to hire him,) and probably wishes he had started building some kind of career a long time ago, and I'm sure a lot times thinks he'd "love to be in your position."

Just some food for thought.

you hit the nail on the head, brockash. this is why i can't find a job-after being a SAHM for 11 years, everyone looks at me like i'm nuts for staying home with my daughter, and i'm completely unemployable because of it, in spite of my skill level. at this point, i'm ready to give up.

 

[rie'smom]

My oldest two are boys-35 and 26 our daughter is 16. I've always been a stay at home mom. It gave me the opportunity to volunteer at school and be generally available to them. I'm very grateful that I have been able to live this way.

 

[mhsjax]

You say that, but really? You'd love to be in his position of never having any kind of real career? Looking back, would you have really rather given up your entire career to basically have none at all, and have a very low starting point now? Do you really wish you were in that position instead?

I get that it probably is time (or maybe overdue) for you DH to get a job, to bring in money ect., but to say that you'd "love to be in his position," like he has it so much better than you, I find pretty hard to believe. I imagine that he probably lacks a good amount of confidence, with good reason (if he's only been a SAHP for the last 20 years, like it or not, the outside world looks down upon that, and I doubt anyone is real eager to hire him,) and probably wishes he had started building some kind of career a long time ago, and I'm sure a lot times thinks he'd "love to be in your position."

Just some food for thought.

Ok, the first somewhat IMHO ugly post. I never had a "career" no biggie to me. I had jobs they paid pretty well. I worked at American Express when I found out I was pregnant, they closed the operation center. I was able to pay off all bills with my bonus for staying until the end.

I have had 2 other kids, been home with them ever sense, I NEVER regretted it, I have never bee looked down on. Now I don't know if you are saying this because he is a SAHD or if you think that SAHM have this same problem.

I know people that have careers and would love to stay home, I know many of them, but they can't because of the lifestyle they have created. I also know a SAHD, his wife was a very successful attorney, none of us looked down of him, in fact we thought it was great that he had enough confidence to stay home as a dad and he loved to tell everyone about it too.

The only reason I am thinking about returning to work is because DH has taken a pretty big pay cut and one that he will never be able to replace. We are fine but I would still like a little more money but it has nothing to do with the world or anyone looking down on me or me regretting staying at home for 14 years. I love my life and frankly returning to work isn't something that I have a burning desire for, I just want a little more money.

 

[momto2girls]

I am a SAHM to two girls, ages 10 and 7.5. I've been a SAHM since a month before my oldest daughter was born. I have a college degree (3 actually) and had a great career, but I don't regret for one minute staying at home with my kids. I love it. Fortunately, my family is in a good financial position and I do not need to work. I doubt that I will ever go back to work again.

 

[SaraJayne]

Ok, the first somewhat IMHO ugly post. I never had a "career" no biggie to me. I had jobs they paid pretty well. I worked at American Express when I found out I was pregnant, they closed the operation center. I was able to pay off all bills with my bonus for staying until the end.

I have had 2 other kids, been home with them ever sense, I NEVER regretted it, I have never bee looked down on. Now I don't know if you are saying this because he is a SAHD or if you think that SAHM have this same problem.

I know people that have careers and would love to stay home, I know many of them, but they can't because of the lifestyle they have created. I also know a SAHD, his wife was a very successful attorney, none of us looked down of him, in fact we thought it was great that he had enough confidence to stay home as a dad and he loved to tell everyone about it too.

The only reason I am thinking about returning to work is because DH has taken a pretty big pay cut and one that he will never be able to replace. We are fine but I would still like a little more money but it has nothing to do with the world or anyone looking down on me or me regretting staying at home for 14 years. I love my life and frankly returning to work isn't something that I have a burning desire for, I just want a little more money.

Nothing wrong with that.

 

[SaraJayne]

My H has been a stay at home dad for 20 years. Our youngest is 15. I would LOVE for him to get a job. I make a good living but we don't have nearly enough saved for retirement. He thinks that if he can clip coupons and save $11 at the grocery store, he is doing a great thing. I have asked him what he is going to do when the next is empty - he gets angry every time I ask.

I would love to be in his position...to be able to take a job because it sound fun and not worry a lot about the money or benefits.

Interesting perspective. I really hope my DH doesn't secretly think this about me.

 

[punkin]

My H has been a stay at home dad for 20 years. Our youngest is 15. I would LOVE for him to get a job. I make a good living but we don't have nearly enough saved for retirement. He thinks that if he can clip coupons and save $11 at the grocery store, he is doing a great thing. I have asked him what he is going to do when the next is empty - he gets angry every time I ask.

I would love to be in his position...to be able to take a job because it sound fun and not worry a lot about the money or benefits.

I am in your husband's position exactly. The problem is that after staying home for 20 years, who would hire him and to do what exactly? I have a law degree. When I quit my job I was bringing in half our income, but that was 12 years ago and my skills are rusty to nonexistent. I have sent out resumes (nothing systematic enough to be a real job search). I get no response back.

I understand your concerns. We also do not have enough saved for retirement; we have a child in college paying full price; we have another child to send through college. If I had a job, it would be so much easier monetarily. On the other hand, I do an enormous amount at home that, while not really appreciated by my DH, really makes his life much easier and my DDs' lives much better.

I am conflicted. I see your point (and my DH's point) but I wonder how much your DH does at home besides "clipping coupons" that you just don't notice. Believe me it's hard both to be the breadwinner and to be the SAHP. Neither one is a bed of roses.

 

[mhsjax]

I am in your husband's position exactly. The problem is that after staying home for 20 years, who would hire him and to do what exactly? I have a law degree. When I quit my job I was bringing in half our income, but that was 12 years ago and my skills are rusty to nonexistent. I have sent out resumes (nothing systematic enough to be a real job search). I get no response back.

I understand your concerns. We also do not have enough saved for retirement; we have a child in college paying full price; we have another child to send through college. If I had a job, it would be so much easier monetarily. On the other hand, I do an enormous amount at home that, while not really appreciated by my DH, really makes his life much easier and my DDs' lives much better.

I am conflicted. I see your point (and my DH's point) but I wonder how much your DH does at home besides "clipping coupons" that you just don't notice. Believe me it's hard both to be the breadwinner and to be the SAHP. Neither one is a bed of roses.

Exactly, I am very lucky in that my DH will tell anyone that questions weather a SAHP works, he will say HE** yeah they work, I have seen the job and I don't want it. He knows exactly what goes on and that anyone who thinks that staying home taking care of kids and keeping the house running
isn't working is dead wrong. I have seen him lecture my kids about this and also have discussions with others about this.

 

[disykat]

Ok, the first somewhat IMHO ugly post. .

I didn't think it was ugly at all. She didn't say anything disparaging about SAHM's. I felt like she was sticking up for missypie's spouse. I wanted to do the same thing.

I've been a SAHM - full time for nine years, and various stages of part time for 9 years. It IS hard to find employment sometimes after being a SAHM. To act as if the world is a SAHM's oyster is short sighted. I loved being a SAHM and wouldn't change it for the world - no regrets. However, part of the package is that you stepped out of the career world and there will be challenges if you want back in.

I think those challenges were 100% worth it, but I can't deny they are there.

One of those challenges is deciding whether you WANT back in to the workforce and how that picture will look for you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I didn't think it was ugly at all. She didn't say anything disparaging about SAHM's. I felt like she was sticking up for missypie's spouse. I wanted to do the same thing.

I've been a SAHM - full time for nine years, and various stages of part time for 9 years. It IS hard to find employment sometimes after being a SAHM. To act as if the world is a SAHM's oyster is short sighted. I loved being a SAHM and wouldn't change it for the world - no regrets. However, part of the package is that you stepped out of the career world and there will be challenges if you want back in.

I think those challenges were 100% worth it, but I can't deny they are there.

One of those challenges is deciding whether you WANT back in to the workforce and how that picture will look for you.

I think she quoted the wrong poster.

That being said, I have read missypie's frustration over the yrs here on the DISboards. So she has issues with DH and it is coming from a place of frustration.

Now I will comment that my DH has said openly he is jealous that of me. I get to start fresh with open possiblilities.

However I don't take it as something "mean". He wishes so bad that he could quit his current job and take something else. However in order for that to happen I HAVE to make up the difference in income.

Ultimately this is our goal. My youngest is in 8th we have a set "plan" that includes me working.

Your perspective on the comments comes from your own situation obviously. To call out missypie with an "ugly post" is not fair since she is speaking about her own spouse and her own situation.

 

[Magpie]

Interesting perspective. I really hope my DH doesn't secretly think this about me.

This is my biggest worry, too! I don't want to be a drain on the family, I don't want to take advantage of him, I don't want to be a bon-bon eating layabout.

It hurts to think that people might perceive me that way because I stay home. And it would be awful if my husband ever thought that!

It means the world to me when he tells me how much he appreciates what I do for our family. He never says he's jealous of me - he always says he couldn't do what I do. He says he doesn't have the temperament to stay home and deal with the house and kids, cooking and chores.

 

[missypie]

LOL, MysteryMachine, I just PMd someone saying that long time members know a thing or two about my SAHH.

Not all stay at home spouses are hard working. I know women (all of them wealthy) who really do shop and play tennis all day, then get carryout every night, have a cleaning lady (some have help every day) etc. They readily admit that they don't do any housework or ever cook. I'm not making a moral judgment - if their spouses are fine with it, that's great.

My own mother cooked a full meal every single night -we almost never ate out. Her house was spotless, has never had household help. She took an hour every afternoon to watch The Edge of Night and The Secret Storm, but other than that, that woman was working hard every day.

You really can't compare what she did to some of the "tennis moms" that I know.

 

[bunny]

One of those challenges is deciding whether you WANT back in to the workforce and how that picture will look for you.

I think what Missypie was trying to allude to is that it must be nice to have the option of whether or not you want to work and if you do what would fulfill you the most. Most adults who are working in today's economy don't have the luxury of choosing a job based on whether it is your "dream" job or not. After reading this thread it appears that a lot of SAHMs who are reentering the workforce choose jobs based on hours or other benefits not based on how much the job pays. That burden is put on the family's breadwinner. Missypie is obviously feeling that stress. I am not saying SAHMs don't work, but they do get to be their own bosses and don't have to put up with the stresses of navigating today's business environment.

I also think it is different for women when they are the "breadwinners". Men don't seem to mind when their wives don't financially support their families. Women however are brought up thinking it is a man's job to support them. When your husband doesn't do that, it can be hard to adjust your expectations.

 

[Katy Belle]

I've been home for nearly 16 years. My kiddos are 10, 13, 15. I am still home, but like you, thinking about doing "something." I am a teacher, but have no desire to be a full time teacher. I would like to make some money to take the sting out of college, when the time comes.

On the other hand... every time I think I'm ready to go back to work, something happens to make me happy I'm still home.

Good luck to you!

 

[punkin]

LOL, MysteryMachine, I just PMd someone saying that long time members know a thing or two about my SAHH.

Not all stay at home spouses are hard working. I know women (all of them wealthy) who really do shop and play tennis all day, then get carryout every night, have a cleaning lady (some have help every day) etc. They readily admit that they don't do any housework or ever cook. I'm not making a moral judgment - if their spouses are fine with it, that's great.

My own mother cooked a full meal every single night -we almost never ate out. Her house was spotless, has never had household help. She took an hour every afternoon to watch The Edge of Night and The Secret Storm, but other than that, that woman was working hard every day.

You really can't compare what she did to some of the "tennis moms" that I know.

I live in a world of "tennis moms". You know the ones that work out all day while the cleaning service cleans and the au pair drives the kids to numerous activities.

I don't envy them.

 

[Colleen27]

Spell it out for her. I don't know how old your dd is but mine starts HS next yr. She already knows we can't even afford a "top" state school let alone a top tier. She knows she has to carry that onto herself.

We will, as she gets older. Right now I'm just impressed that she's so focused, and she's got a really good teacher this year reminding her that it is her middle school placements and grades that will determine her odds of getting into the IB program. I figure we've got time once she's actually in high school to discuss the ins and outs of college financing.

So we've given up a lot of disposable income, but we've gained more in overall quality of life. Or, at least, that's what we decided when we looked at our list of pros and cons. All the things I do here aren't worth the bit of money I could earn outside the home.

That's where we sit too. I think I'd be more interested in work if my DH didn't have such an unpredictable schedule, but as it is there's a lot that would have to give for me to go back to work, not the least of which is my "me time" and my dabbling in writing and crafting for "pin money".

My H has been a stay at home dad for 20 years. Our youngest is 15. I would LOVE for him to get a job. I make a good living but we don't have nearly enough saved for retirement. He thinks that if he can clip coupons and save $11 at the grocery store, he is doing a great thing. I have asked him what he is going to do when the next is empty - he gets angry every time I ask.

I would love to be in his position...to be able to take a job because it sound fun and not worry a lot about the money or benefits.

Would you really? A woman faces big hurdles trying to return to the workforce after a break to raise a family, and those hurdles are even higher for a man who goes against traditional gender roles by leaving the workforce for an extended time. Odds are he doesn't even know where to start in trying to get back into the working world.

 

[missypie]

I live in a world of "tennis moms". You know the ones that work out all day while the cleaning service cleans and the au pair drives the kids to numerous activities.

I don't envy them.

When the kids were little, I even knew some "stay at home moms" who had full time nannies!

 

[missypie]

A woman faces big hurdles trying to return to the workforce after a break to raise a family, and those hurdles are even higher for a man who goes against traditional gender roles by leaving the workforce for an extended time. Odds are he doesn't even know where to start in trying to get back into the working world.

True about re-entering the workforce. But no one seems to acknowledge that some folks don't want to have jobs. There are the probably apocryphal "welfare queens." There are the boyfriends you read about in "Dear Abby" who look for a woman with a good job so they don't have to work. There are the "kept women" that they make movies about. Some people seek out a life where they just don't have to get up and go to work every day. (A lady I know married a guy who was independently wealthy - oil money. She was a school teacher, enjoyed it and wanted to keep working. One day she basically told him he had to get a job - that he simply could not hang around the house all day every day even if they didn't need the money.)

 

[punkin]

When the kids were little, I even knew some "stay at home moms" who had full time nannies!

Yup. I know these women too.