sad post-honest opinions please

[luvsJack]

OP, do not feel guilty about your girls over night trip. You deserve a bit of time for yourself. There are a few posters here that are going to make it sound like everything is your fault no matter what you do.

The only thing I would suggest you may want to do is talk to your mom. Ask her if you have done something to make her feel bad and if you have, apologize for it and move on. At some point (not soon as it would be obvious) get her a bouquet of flowers "just because".

I would also suggest that in the future it be laid out ahead of time who is paying for dinner for whom or if everyone is paying for themselves. I don't blame you for not paying for your brother's meal and if your parents always pay for his, I can understand the akwardness. In my family, when we all go out for a family dinner we ask for seperate checks ahead and whoever is paying for mom tells the waitress ahead of time (mom usually doesn't even know who is paying for her's and we take turns, one at MD another on her birthday and so forth and we sort of work it out beforehand), that way we don't have an issue at check time.

 

[Darsa]

There are a few posters here that are going to make it sound like everything is your fault no matter what you do.

Nooo kidding.

{sarcasm} How dare you take time out for yourself? How dare you tell (omg, LET) your husband he can go out because he'd watched your kids?? How dare you mention that your child is autistic (and believe me, I know how tough that can be)??? {/sarcasm}

I have never seen so many people so willing to come down on others, I assume in hopes of making themselves feel better about themselves... it really constantly blows my mind that people can be so down on someone who's already so down on herself.

 

[sbell111]

Nooo kidding.

{sarcasm} How dare you take time out for yourself? How dare you tell (omg, LET) your husband he can go out because he'd watched your kids?? How dare you mention that your child is autistic (and believe me, I know how tough that can be)??? {/sarcasm}

I have never seen so many people so willing to come down on others, I assume in hopes of making themselves feel better about themselves... it really constantly blows my mind that people can be so down on someone who's already so down on herself.

When you go to a public message board and ask for opinions, you are not always going to get responses that agree with you.

 

[ez]

I guess "let" was a poor choice of words. I should say I strongly encouraged my husband to go out on his motorcycle, which is a great stress reliever for him.

Also it is my experience that when you have a child that is severely affected by autism, it affects almost everything and every situation. That's just the reality of it.

 

[disykat]

I, also, can't believe that people would be so materialistic as to judge whether or not you gave your mom "enough stuff" for Mother's Day. My mom had been dead 6 weeks as of mother's day; I would have given anything and everything to have been able to just have another day to be able to spend with her. You gave your mom exactly what she should have, and I bet she appreciated that FAR more than a piece of paper someone else wrote words on. Honestly, people can be so ridiculous sometimes.

I agree. Your mom wanted you all to go out to dinner and you did so.

People keep bringing up who paid for the meal, but that doesn't seem to be the issue at all. Your dad, who certainly had no issues yelling at you for no card, didn't bring it up. I'm sure your family is aquainted with your financial situation. I think it's very sad that your dad doesn't feel your presence was enough and is choosing to focus on an card he thinks you should have given. Your mom wanted ALL of you (she didn't want the children left at home) to go out and you did.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I agree. Your mom wanted you all to go out to dinner and you did so.

People keep bringing up who paid for the meal, but that doesn't seem to be the issue at all. Your dad, who certainly had no issues yelling at you for no card, didn't bring it up. I'm sure your family is aquainted with your financial situation. I think it's very sad that your dad doesn't feel your presence was enough and is choosing to focus on an card he thinks you should have given. Your mom wanted ALL of you (she didn't want the children left at home) to go out and you did.

How do you know this? Did the OP say something about it that I missed? My DMiL adores her grandkids and dotes on them all, but she also loves having some times with just her own children where she can be with them and not be grandma. Nothing wrong about that. I don't know what the mother of the OP wanted, but I think it is feasible that a stressful meal watching her DD keep a severely autistic 5 year old in check followed by paying her own way may not have been her wish.

OP--I do not mean to insinuate that you purposely messed up mother's day for your mom (and hey YOU deserve mother's day too--I actually think the mom's who are currently in the throes of raising children are the ones who should be celebrated the most and who should get to choose how to spend the day), or really did anything all that wrong (other than snapping and letting all your stress get taken out on your dad, which is also understandable); rather I am pointing out things I noticed in the hopes that in future situations having the "other side" to think about may help you navigate these things in a way which is less stressful to you (and everybody).

 

[ez]

she definitely wanted the kids there she adores them

 

[ez]

and when I looked at the bill put my money in and went to put a little more (I had put more than enough) she stopped me from putting anymore.

 

[NHdisneylover]

she definitely wanted the kids there she adores them

okay. good. Like I said my DMiL ADORES her grandkids too, but she loves having time with just her own kids once or twice a year. It is a totally different dynamic. Nothing wrong with that at all. Just like you are not a bad mother at all for wanting a girls' night out. You can act differently and relax more without kids there. Even when the kids are "normal" and "easy." I just found it odd that your mom would request something which it sounds like she knows is particularly difficult and stressful for your son to be her mother's day gift, so I thought perhaps she did not mean a "with kids" lunch and perhaps she assumed one thing and you assumed the other. I am glad you are sure that the kids being there was what your mom wanted.

 

[NHdisneylover]

and when I looked at the bill put my money in and went to put a little more (I had put more than enough) she stopped me from putting anymore.

Why didn't you say this in the first place? Saying you tried to pay for her but she stopped you is vastly different than saying you refused to pay for your mooching brother so only put in for yourself. Surely you can see how your OP could be misread by many of us without that info.

 

[ez]

well I wasnt really trying to pay for her....just being very generous on ours I guess...like our bill was maybe 40 and I put 50 and went to throw a few more bucks in and she said no thats plenty or whatever

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Last saturday I went on an overnight trip with my girlfriends, something I have not done in 8 years. Unfortunately I was not feeling well and could only eat 2 bites of my dinner at a favorite restaurant. I returned home around 1pm mothers day and still felt pretty bad, although like many of us I mentioned this to no one. I had asked a few days before what my mom wanted to do for mothers day, and she wanted to go out to eat, so I knew I had to go do this at 5pm. In between this time, I let my husband go out being he had handled the kids the day before, and between taking care of my 5 year old with autism I tried to crash a little bit as I felt bad and was exhausted.
At 5 oclock I took my two kids to the restaurant and was with my parents and my brother. My mom, whom I am extremely close to, had a wonderful time. I was still not feeling good and had my hands full with my 5 year old autistic child at this restaurant for 2 hours, but didnt say a word and did my best to see that mom enjoyed herself. When the bill came I paid my familys share. If it had just been my parents I would have treated but my brother always orders the moon and never pays and I was darned if I was gonna pick up his tab.(long story there)
Anyway I have talked to my mom every day this week and things are wonderful between us. But this morning right after dealing with getting my non compliant autistic son to school, and getting a call from my daughters school nurse that she got hit in the face with a tennis ball, my dad calls and says something is on his mind...he saw the cards mom had gotten for mothers day and was wondering where mine was...very passive aggressively. Anyway...I wasnt gonna let him go there (he did the same thing when I didnt get her one once years ago) and told him...well...many things and didnt hold back. He basically treats my mother bad most of the time (verbally abusive) and then is gonna rag on me for not getting her a card when my mom just wanted to spend time together and could care less about a card or present. I told him it is more about how you treat a person every day, not like you can treat the crappy and get them a card and everythings ok...I dont play that. I told my father I was not gonna let him make me feel like I am not doing enough (after all, where do they come every holiday when I spend a fortune on food and everything) I also told him that he wasnt being truthful about just looking thru the cards now, I knew he had been stewing about it since mothers day when I showed up empty handed. Then he said I was calling him a liar, I said you know, Im not, Ill be the liar...you didnt see my card with the other cards?, yeah I gave her one and then hung up on him.
Very sad, I know. I guess Im just looking for imput here.

It was Mother's Day.

What exactly did you give your mother for Mother's Day besides gracing her with your presence at dinner?

Unless I read your post wrong, you didn't give her a card, or gift, or chip in for her meal. What exactly did you do for her on her special day?

I don't understand all the extra info in your post. Are we supposed to be impressed by you showing up at all, being you were so, so sick after your weekend out with the girls?

 

[bumbershoot]

I think that's debatable. I find cards to be pretty meaningless, especially if they were written by Hallmark. Even if someone takes the time to write on a blank card, I would rather have face time.

I totally agree. If my mom were to show up out of the blue, after 10 or more years of me thinking she's been dead, getting a card would be the LAST thing on my mind. Just talking with her, going to dinner with her, just hanging out would be the thing. I'm all about actions, not words on a piece of paper.

I think you gave your mom the best gift of all..... your time. If she had a wonderful day, then it was a welcomed gift.

Totally agree.



EZ have you posted about stuff like this before? The stuff you described with your dad sounds really really familiar, and I would be even more sad if there were two dis'ers with dads like that.

 

[ez]

no havent posted about dad before...we usually get along.
I think thats the weird thing...like my dad would have been ok if I blew off dinner but got mom flowers and a card. But I know that what mom wanted all along was to spend time with me and the kids at a restaurant she likes....I think what would have been acceptable to dad, would have been a real disappointment to mom, if I had canceled dinner and just did the gift and or card.

 

[dogluva]

no havent posted about dad before...we usually get along.
I think thats the weird thing...like my dad would have been ok if I blew off dinner but got mom flowers and a card. But I know that what mom wanted all along was to spend time with me and the kids at a restaurant she likes....I think what would have been acceptable to dad, would have been a real disappointment to mom, if I had canceled dinner and just did the gift and or card.

Nice you spend time with her. But really, don't you do that on a regular basis? I think a homemade card (if you can't afford one but really) and maybe some wild flowers.

I, personally, wouldn't have gone empty handed and I am very busy myself. A quick run into the drugstore is all it would have taken.

Sorry, but I do find it weird, especially when you didn't even pay for her meal.

 

[gina2000]

Families are supposed to stick together. When one member is having a tough moment/day/week/month/year, others should be looking after that member, not chastising him/her for not doing his/her duty.

OP, you had a rough day. Your dad's job was to make it better, not chastise you for not performing your daughterly duties. I think it's shameful that he didn't recognize that you were doing the very best you could under whatever circumstances you were operating. When the going gets tough in our family, our family members are gracious and understanding. No one ever points fingers and accuses, berates, or admonishes. Good lord, what are families for?

And if daddy-o is verbally abusive, it's not your mother putting him up to this. She knows which way the wind blows and I'm sure she doesn't want him venting in your direction.

Call your mom in the next week when you have a moment and have a heart to heart. That's what moms are for...giving comfort, support, and love...and that goes in both directions.

Oh, and for the record, my mom has forgotten to give me a mother's day card for a few years. We howl with laughter over it. Who cares? It's a Hallmark piece of paper...and when in the world does that show we care?

 

[mjkacmom]

I, also, can't believe that people would be so materialistic as to judge whether or not you gave your mom "enough stuff" for Mother's Day. My mom had been dead 6 weeks as of mother's day; I would have given anything and everything to have been able to just have another day to be able to spend with her. You gave your mom exactly what she should have, and I bet she appreciated that FAR more than a piece of paper someone else wrote words on. Honestly, people can be so ridiculous sometimes.

I don't think it has anything to do with "stuff," it has to do with effort. The OP knew she wasn't feeling well, so felt her just being there was the effort. Her parents didn't know that, and might've wondered why she couldn't even buy a card, or even have the kids make them (my mom's favorite thing).

I still remember the birthday that I didn't get a card or gift. It wasn't because I wanted "stuff." Actually, I handle the finances in this family, and I can buy myself whatever I want, and DH wouldn't bat an eye. Sometimes - most of the time - it is the thought that counts. The OP admits she planned on getting her something, but didn't feel up to it. How were her parents to know that?

 

[Pembo]

I just realized the end of last week that I didn't give my mom a card for Mother's Day. I bought her a plant but no card. She was still happy.

OP you did what she wanted...cards really aren't that important, imho.

 

[Buckalew11]

My opinion is...don't stress about this. I'll make you feel better. I went out to eat with my mom on Saturday and on Sunday. She paid BOTH days. Our Saturday breakas grew into a bunch of grandkids and Sunday too. My financial situation has changed also and I couldn't pay for the whole table. I just told her I'd owe her lunch one day soon when all the kids weren't there. She, like your mom, was fine with it. I did give her a card and 2 small gifts.

However, if I had not, she'd have been fine with that. We're not big on these types of holidays and I personally did not get a card from DH or DD this year--first time ever in 16 yrs. But life is overwhelming at our house right now. My DD just had 2 surgeries within the last 2 1/2 wks.

If I were you, I'd talk to your mom, tell her you are sorry about the card/gift and tell her the circumstances and move on. Having an autistic child is extremely overwhelming and you sound worn out. Do NOT let posts her get to you. Some of them are just plain rude. While people don't have to agree, they aren't walking in your shoes.

I know you are glad to have your mom in your life--you certainly sound like you enjoy her. A card means less on MD than one out of the blue, really. After all, *someone* tells us we're *supposed* to buy our mom's a card the 2nd Sunday of May.

{{{hugs}}} because I think you really need some.

 

[ez]

you know, I don't get on here as much as I used to, but I really appreciate the feedback I get when I, well, want feedback!
I just want to reiterate how close mom and I are. We talk everyday, and are very honest. I guess when you are in a relationship like that, you know that people "get you". I know mom "gets me", and I feel like I get her. My dad, I feel like, doesnt get it. I know mom and dad are really on the outs right now, according to her, and maybe that has something to do with his vent towards me.
This weekend my autistic son said something that reminded me of an old Peter Paul and Mary song my mom used to play when I was a kid. It inspired me to, when I had a moment, seach it online, and I found the most amazing version. I shared it with mom via instant message and knew it would blow her away, and it did. We then proceeeded to find all these old Peter paul and mary links on You tube and watch them together, each at our own home, each just being blown away by the message and the memories and the amazing performances. Thats me and mom.....and thats the cool connection we have I love my mom she is awesome