sad post-honest opinions please

[ez]

Last saturday I went on an overnight trip with my girlfriends, something I have not done in 8 years. Unfortunately I was not feeling well and could only eat 2 bites of my dinner at a favorite restaurant. I returned home around 1pm mothers day and still felt pretty bad, although like many of us I mentioned this to no one. I had asked a few days before what my mom wanted to do for mothers day, and she wanted to go out to eat, so I knew I had to go do this at 5pm. In between this time, I let my husband go out being he had handled the kids the day before, and between taking care of my 5 year old with autism I tried to crash a little bit as I felt bad and was exhausted.
At 5 oclock I took my two kids to the restaurant and was with my parents and my brother. My mom, whom I am extremely close to, had a wonderful time. I was still not feeling good and had my hands full with my 5 year old autistic child at this restaurant for 2 hours, but didnt say a word and did my best to see that mom enjoyed herself. When the bill came I paid my familys share. If it had just been my parents I would have treated but my brother always orders the moon and never pays and I was darned if I was gonna pick up his tab.(long story there)
Anyway I have talked to my mom every day this week and things are wonderful between us. But this morning right after dealing with getting my non compliant autistic son to school, and getting a call from my daughters school nurse that she got hit in the face with a tennis ball, my dad calls and says something is on his mind...he saw the cards mom had gotten for mothers day and was wondering where mine was...very passive aggressively. Anyway...I wasnt gonna let him go there (he did the same thing when I didnt get her one once years ago) and told him...well...many things and didnt hold back. He basically treats my mother bad most of the time (verbally abusive) and then is gonna rag on me for not getting her a card when my mom just wanted to spend time together and could care less about a card or present. I told him it is more about how you treat a person every day, not like you can treat the crappy and get them a card and everythings ok...I dont play that. I told my father I was not gonna let him make me feel like I am not doing enough (after all, where do they come every holiday when I spend a fortune on food and everything) I also told him that he wasnt being truthful about just looking thru the cards now, I knew he had been stewing about it since mothers day when I showed up empty handed. Then he said I was calling him a liar, I said you know, Im not, Ill be the liar...you didnt see my card with the other cards?, yeah I gave her one and then hung up on him.
Very sad, I know. I guess Im just looking for imput here.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

Sometimes, the best thing is to leave things unsaid, so this is for you...

 

[kellyg403]

It sounds like you have a lot going on and no one is paying attention to that. As for dad, well I probably would have just laid it out there..'I took mom to dinner and told her in person what no card would have said, she was happy. I didn't realize a giving her a card for MD was important to you, DAD'

I don't know, sometimes families just have no idea what they do to each other. I can't quite grasp why he would feel that way about the card..did he not go to the dinner?

Kelly

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP, How much would a Mother's Day card cost? I miss my DM so much and wish she was still around to buy cards for. I agree with you that it's important to be nice to them every day but the little things, like cards, mean alot too.

TC

 

[GoofySon'sMom]

We aren't big on cards in our family probably because money has always been tight and they can be expensive! DH and I used to go to a card shop on our anniversary and show each other the card we would have bought! We enjoyed those days.

When DS was born, we were flat out broke but on that first Mother's Day we wanted to get our Moms cards from DS. So we got lovely grandmother cards, signed his name & then put underneath "my Mom and Dad love you, too". Well, my MIL questioned DH when he called her that day (she is out of state) asking why he didn't send a card. He asked if she got the grandma card & she said 'yes, but he is not my son, you are'. So she thought a one year old actually picked out and purchased the card?

Some people just don't get it ... my Mom would much rather have us together for a meal than receive a card. And I think she'd be furious if I spent money on flowers!

 

[ez]

well in the last 35 years, this was probably the second time I didnt get her a card or present, but I did ask what she wanted to do and that was what I did, so I feel as though it is not like I blew her off. She had a wonderful time.

 

[ez]

yes I agree...I very rarely get my husband any sort of card. But I treat him nicely most of the time, year in year out. He has no complaints! and yes dad was at the dinner... I guess he thought I was picking up the whole tab?? I guess no card would have been ok then

 

[lovesmurfs]

Last saturday I went on an overnight trip with my girlfriends, something I have not done in 8 years. Unfortunately I was not feeling well and could only eat 2 bites of my dinner at a favorite restaurant. I returned home around 1pm mothers day and still felt pretty bad, although like many of us I mentioned this to no one. I had asked a few days before what my mom wanted to do for mothers day, and she wanted to go out to eat, so I knew I had to go do this at 5pm. In between this time, I let my husband go out being he had handled the kids the day before, and between taking care of my 5 year old with autism I tried to crash a little bit as I felt bad and was exhausted.
At 5 oclock I took my two kids to the restaurant and was with my parents and my brother. My mom, whom I am extremely close to, had a wonderful time. I was still not feeling good and had my hands full with my 5 year old autistic child at this restaurant for 2 hours, but didnt say a word and did my best to see that mom enjoyed herself. When the bill came I paid my familys share. If it had just been my parents I would have treated but my brother always orders the moon and never pays and I was darned if I was gonna pick up his tab.(long story there)
Anyway I have talked to my mom every day this week and things are wonderful between us. But this morning right after dealing with getting my non compliant autistic son to school, and getting a call from my daughters school nurse that she got hit in the face with a tennis ball, my dad calls and says something is on his mind...he saw the cards mom had gotten for mothers day and was wondering where mine was...very passive aggressively. Anyway...I wasnt gonna let him go there (he did the same thing when I didnt get her one once years ago) and told him...well...many things and didnt hold back. He basically treats my mother bad most of the time (verbally abusive) and then is gonna rag on me for not getting her a card when my mom just wanted to spend time together and could care less about a card or present. I told him it is more about how you treat a person every day, not like you can treat the crappy and get them a card and everythings ok...I dont play that. I told my father I was not gonna let him make me feel like I am not doing enough (after all, where do they come every holiday when I spend a fortune on food and everything) I also told him that he wasnt being truthful about just looking thru the cards now, I knew he had been stewing about it since mothers day when I showed up empty handed. Then he said I was calling him a liar, I said you know, Im not, Ill be the liar...you didnt see my card with the other cards?, yeah I gave her one and then hung up on him.
Very sad, I know. I guess Im just looking for imput here.

First of all, You have a lot on your plate, without being on top of it.

If it were me and hadn't done the card/present thing, I guess I would have paid my parents' portion as well as my family's and made a point that her dinner was on us for Mother's Day.

 

[RitaE]

My honest opinion is you sound overwhelmed and stressed out.

Give yourself a break and if your Dad can't handle that you're giving yourself a break - that's his problem. If it makes you feel better, next time you talk to your Mom mention that you were feeling very tired and ill on Mother's Day but now you feel a little guilty for not getting her a Mother's Day card. I bet she's says "That's okay honey."

 

[tar heel]

I'm flabbergasted that your dad or anyone on this thread would criticize you for not giving your mother a PIECE OF CARDBOARD. If you had ignored her on Mother's Day, then you would be open to criticism, but not giving her a card?

My three sons and I drove 100 miles to meet my parents for lunch on the day before Mother's Day -- I paid, of course. One DS was working an eight-hour shift and one was appearing in a musical later that day. I gave her an outdoor plant and a gallon of strawberries that had been picked that morning. I called her and talked for 30 minutes the next day. I did not take or mail her a card.

OP -- you did nothing wrong.

 

[tinatark]

From the outside looking in - you went to dinner "with" your mom on Mother's Day - otherwise there was no acknowledgement of the holiday. If you had picked up her tab then that would have been a gift, but I see it as no gift/no card.

 

[java]

I'm a little confused. Did you pay for your mom's meal? Or just your own immediate family? Do you normally pay for meals for them?
Was it that she/he thought you'd be treating since you asked her what she wanted for Mother's Day and she replied "Out to eat" I would assume that would mean you were paying.
Now not maybe for your brother-assuming he's an adult? but parents I would have paid for.

Although my Mom never let's us pay anything- I don't know the dynamics in your family- but me- I would have paid for my parent's meal if they let me.

Eliminate all the other stuff- you asked your mom what she wanted. She said go out to eat. You said great.
Took her out to eat.
Then left her to pay.

That's the way I'm reading it though. Maybe your dynamics are different though.

 

[luvmy3]

Like the pp said, you did nothing wrong. You spent the day with her doing what she wanted to do, how does not giving a card become an issue when you do all that I'd ignore your dad, maybe he is reflecting on all the things he hasn't done for your mom and taking it out on you. Thats his own shortfall, don't let him try to turn it into yours

 

[clutter]

Just make sure to mention that you're getting your dad the EXACT same card for father's day.

Seriously, I'd give yourself a break. As a mom, I'm happy with whatever I get on Mother's Day. It's not my job to judge. And it's not your dads.

 

[ez]

My parents go out to eat every night of the week. That is what they do. because i quit my full time job to stay home with my special needs son, we scaled down to one income and go out to eat only once or twice a year. So in a way, even participating in a dinner out is an extravagance for us. My parents always pay for my adult brother...I dont know it was awkward...I guess in hindsite I should have paid for her too...or just skipped dinner and got her a small thing of flowers and a card. I was just trying to do what she asked and didnt realize it was such a big deal. I spent 50 bucks on my family which was alot for us to spend, it would have been cheaper to get her a gift and card rather than do dinner, and would not have taken 2 hours.

 

[Disney Doll]

For Father's Day, I'd probably get my father one of those really huge, 2 foot tall cards.

Your Mom had a nice day doing what she wanted, so don't worry about it.

 

[PatsGirl]

FWIW, I never buy a card unless the gift is $$ or a gift card that needs someplace to go When my kids need a card for bday parties, etc., they always made their own. I recently got an internet email card account for $15/year and now send email cards to everyone for all occasions (cuz it's so much fun to do)

But....I would never go to dinner on Mother's Day with my Mom and let her pay, I just wouldn't. If dinner was too expensive (and hey, I get it, I didn't attend the family Mother's Day brunch this year because the place DS picked was far too expensive for me to take both my kids, myself, and pay a portion of my parents' tab as well) you might have invited her over to your house for lunch or gone out to breakfast.

As for Dad, well, he needs to mind his own business and good for you for putting him in his place. I really hate that parents sometimes think it is okay to continue reprimanding us when we are adults

 

[luvmy3]

My parents go out to eat every night of the week. That is what they do. because i quit my full time job to stay home with my special needs son, we scaled down to one income and go out to eat only once or twice a year. So in a way, even participating in a dinner out is an extravagance for us. My parents always pay for my adult brother...I dont know it was awkward...I guess in hindsite I should have paid for her too...or just skipped dinner and got her a small thing of flowers and a card. I was just trying to do what she asked and didnt realize it was such a big deal. I spent 50 bucks on my family which was alot for us to spend, it would have been cheaper to get her a gift and card rather than do dinner, and would not have taken 2 hours.

OP, you didn't need to pay for your mothers dinner, it would have been nice but it certainly wasnt a requirement just because it was mother's day. You spent the day with her, isn't that the point?
Did your dad get her anything other than paying for her dinner?

 

[TimeforMe]

You asked for honest opinions so I'll give you mine. You more or less invited your mom for dinner. By asking her what she wanted to do, it sounded like you would be treating her. Having said that, if it were me and knowing that money was so tight, I wouldn't have suggested that or made it an option. You also should have spoken to your brother beforehand to make it clear either a) he was to share in the cost of dinner for your parents or b) let him know that he was responsible for paying at least his own dinner.

At any rate--let it go if you can. I would speak personally to your mom, but do it with a sense of humor so you don't make her feel bad as well.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You know your dad is verbally abusive, so he does it to you too. I wish I could give you my strength. Good for you for standing up to him.

Don't sweat it and stop throwing parties and going out to eat with people when it is a hardship. Don't put yourself in that postion again.