Rules for teens?

[disneychrista]

Make sure they know how to use condoms and have them if they are a boy

I think girls should have them too. I gave some to my daughters and told them to tell me if they needed more, even if they were for friends. My youngest was on the pill since 8th grade for horrible periods, so she was covered.

 

[BingoJoe]

I think girls should have them too. I gave some to my daughters and told them to tell me if they needed more, even if they were for friends. My youngest was on the pill since 8th grade for horrible periods, so she was covered.

Yes girls should definitely have them too you are right!

Especially since some boys more experienced and less reputable boys will be reluctant to use them because of the lessened sensation.

 

[kaytieeldr]

That's hilarious! When we did it to our son he indignantly tried to convince us that no other parent on earth would even think of such a thing!

You'd think he'd be impressed to have such innovative parents!

 

[mousefan73]

DD (15)'s boyfriend just started driving. Now we have to figure out all the rules regarding "dating." Before, either his parents or DH or I had to drive them everywhere so we always knew where they were, when they were coming home, and more or less who they were with (although they could have pulled the wool over on eyes on this one if they really tried).

For those who have teens, have had teens, or were a teen (so all of you!), what are/were the rules? What time was curfew? Did you have to know exactly where the teen was and who they were with at all times? What did you expect in terms of communication?

I feel like at 15 I'd like to always know where she is. Like--we're going to see the 7:00 movie, that ends at 9:00, then we're going to Steak & Shake, so we should be home by 10:30. Maybe when she is a junior and has been driving herself for a while I'd loosen up and let her just go "out" and be back by a certain time. I know that when she is in college she won't be reporting her comings and goings to anyone so I want her to gradually get used to more independence now. But I think going from being driven everywhere by her parents to being let loose on the town with her newly-driving boyfriend is not something that should happen overnight.

She is a good kid but chomping at the bit to gain her independence and I think she will probably try to push this as far as she can.

I am interested in any and all rules you have or had for your kids, not just regarding curfews and such. Did you allow boyfriends/girlfriends in your teens' bedrooms? Did you allow them to be in your home if a parent wasn't there? Were they allowed to go "hang out" at the homes of friends you didn't know? What about friends you did know--did you ask if parents were going to be home?

This is all happening so fast!

God you have it easy!! As an American living in Germany it’s legal to start drinking beer/ wine at 16. Driving at 18 though. AND boyfriends spending the night when teenagers (16/17). Yes in same bed. Culturally black and white. Mine are 13-14. So I dont have much time tomfigure this out. Drinking not really the issue for me. The other thing.

 

[verleniahall]

#1 - she isnt married so intimate relations shoukd t even be a discussion- that discussion should be left for her wedding day between mom and daughter.

#2 - my curfew was 8pm - 8:30 on a Friday- worked out fine

#3 - at 15, I beluevev(or or used to be) that that is a restricted license and is a to home, work, school, only

 

[mjkacmom]

#1 - she isnt married so intimate relations shoukd t even be a discussion- that discussion should be left for her wedding day between mom and daughter.

#2 - my curfew was 8pm - 8:30 on a Friday- worked out fine

#3 - at 15, I beluevev(or or used to be) that that is a restricted license and is a to home, work, school, only

Yikes!!!

 

[disneychrista]

#1 - she isnt married so intimate relations shoukd t even be a discussion- that discussion should be left for her wedding day between mom and daughter.

Are you serious?

 

[abdmom]

The rules at my house for high schoolers are: No illegal activities, no sex, 11 pm (or so) curfew, tell me where you're going and text me if you change locations. My HS kids (boy and girl) thought these were reasonable.

My cleaning lady did find a six pack of beer under the couch in the family room when ds was 18. He said that his friend brought it over. Said friend was banned from our house until he had a conversation with me. The friend waited a year to have the conversation and so wasn't allowed in for a year. Yes, I'm a *******. I'm a teacher.

DS was almost 19 when he left for college. He came to me and asked for the new rules for college. I had to come up with them on the spot. Those were: no grandchildren and no illegal activities (drinking age is 19, pot is now legal).

 

[kaytieeldr]

Yes, I'm a *******. I'm a teacher.

Since when does caring, concerned parent need to be started out?

 

[smiths02]

I know that when she is in college she won't be reporting her comings and goings to anyone so I want her to gradually get used to more independence now. But I think going from being driven everywhere by her parents to being let loose on the town with her newly-driving boyfriend is not something that should happen overnight.

I am 38, and someone has always known my comings and goings. It hasn't always been my mom, but I have always prioritized that as a safety concern.

 

[mousefan73]

I am 38, and someone has always known my comings and goings. It hasn't always been my mom, but I have always prioritized that as a safety concern.

I just laughed as I remembered when I first moved out in college and had roomates, I would always announce what I was doing when I went out the door.. my roomates found that wierd. Maybe it was just me programmed to always say what i was doing. It is a nice thing to let people know what your general plans are.. You never know... especially if you are dating a new guy.. Let people know who you are seeing, what you plan on doing and even if you have the hunch you might not come home... back then we didnt have cell phones. I would think that if a group of girls roomed together a quick text to make sure all are ok is a good thing.. too many wierd guys out there.

 

[design_mom]

I am 38, and someone has always known my comings and goings. It hasn't always been my mom, but I have always prioritized that as a safety concern.

That's what I've told my son as he's gotten older. It's not so much about "permission" anymore, it's about courtesy and safety. When I leave the house, I tell my husband (his dad) where I'm going and when I'll be home... not because I need my husband's permission to come/go... but because it's the courteous thing to do. And because if I don't come home when expected, I hope someone would come looking for me. And if he, for some reason, didn't make it home when he expected, I would come looking for him... and I would like a rough idea of where I should search!

 

[sk!mom]

#1 - she isnt married so intimate relations shoukd t even be a discussion- that discussion should be left for her wedding day between mom and daughter.

#2 - my curfew was 8pm - 8:30 on a Friday- worked out fine

#3 - at 15, I beluevev(or or used to be) that that is a restricted license and is a to home, work, school, only

Seriously???

#1 leads to teen pregnancy.

 

[mousefan73]

Seriously???

#1 leads to teen pregnancy.

Doesn’t the purity ring have a100% effectivness?

 

[verleniahall]

Doesn’t the purity ring have a100% effectivness?

yes it does

 

[starry_solo]

In CA, teens cannot drive other teens and they cannot drive between 11 pm and 5 am for the first 12 months after their licensing. Check what your state's laws are

 

[wgeo]

I feel obligated to point out that not every single teen is having sex. Yes I know tons of them are. The best study I could find was from the CDC that stated by the end of senior year approx 58% of teens reported having had sex. That means that approx 42% are NOT having sex. Again yes, the majority is - but that doesn't mean every single kid.

Having said that - my children are in 9th and 10th grade and we routinely talk about drinkign/drugs/boyfriends/girlfriends/and sex at the dinner table. I tell them that a lot of their friends are doing it - but that also a lot of their friends are not. They are incredibly clear on my opinion that they should wait and I have done my absolute best to scare the daylights out of them about teen pregnancy. But also - my daughter knows I will put her on the pill in a heartbeat if she asks. Condoms are available.

As for specific rules - curfew is flexible depending on the activity. Drinking/drugs/smoking/vaping is a hard no - and they are both kind of straight arrow type kids who are paranoid about getting kicked out of their school activities, so I'm less concerned about that. Again though - I tell them that if they screw up and end up at a party and have a drink that the world hasn't ended - but that they need to text me and I will come get them immediately.

Boy/girls are allowed in rooms as long as the door is open (we have a ranch house and their bedrooms are right next to my couch). And just because we're that family - we've sat at the dinner table and talked about "lines". Like what will they allow? Will they allow someone to kiss them? Will they let someone touch them over the clothes? What about under the clothes? What about taking clothes off? Again, they clearly know my opinion on where the line should be and I feel like we have armed them with a lot of education and information so they can think about these things before the situation comes up - since we all know it gets hard to "think" in the heat of the moment.

Driving - son gets his license next month and for this school year the only one he can drive will be his sister - and we have tracking on their phones and they know to text when they go from one place to another. The girl is going to things with older band members and everytime they move somewhere new I get a text.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

My kids are still too young for these rules and talks, but I've already come up with several things that I know will be discussed heavily in a few years.
- Birth control pills, condoms, etc are NOT 100% effective. Ensure they know the proper way to use birth control (taking the pill at the same time daily/ not skipping dosing, condoms carried in wallets can tear, etc), some medications reduce the effectiveness of the pill, and even if using preventative measures correctly, it is still possible to become pregnant (DD was conceived while using a condom and me taking the pill religiously).
- Drinking carries MANY risks, lowers inhibitions, and can place you in dangerous situations- from things like sexual assault or false allegations, DUI or driving with someone who has been drinking, legal or educational repercussions (like with sport/club rules, scholarships, etc). Alcohol affects different people in different ways, and types of alcohol, dehydration, not eating, medications, and so many other things can have an impact. It's illegal and risky to drink underage, but if you do, always know what you're drinking, watch your drink at all times, and ALWAYS call me for a ride if you've been drinking. Do not drive or get in someone else's car who has, even if the police are coming and your friends tell you that you need to get your car out of there or they will all get in trouble. Better an underage drinking charge than a DUI and placing yours and others' lives in danger.
- Though DD is only 9, we already have a safe word with her that she can use in a variety of situations, and we've discussed how she could use that safe word if needed. Things like if she's pressured to go somewhere with a friend and needs us to tell her no, if she ever feels uncomfortable in a situation and needs a ride but doesn't want to make it obvious, if we're in public and she thinks someone is following or watching her. It's a way for her to communicate with us that something is wrong but she can't for whatever reason speak freely.

As for rules, it's hard to say as I think individuality should have a factor in how strict you need to be (if someone is incredibly responsible they will probably need less rules than someone who has a pattern of getting in trouble, and attitude obviously will have a huge impact on how much freedom we will give). Basic things though:
- You will be respectful, keep your grades up, not skip school, do your chores, clean up after yourself.
- If you lie, you will be in more trouble than if you just told the truth and admitted responsibility for whatever you did/ plan to do in the first place. Don't lie to us.
- Any friends will be respectful of everyone in the family (your friends can't pick on your sibling) and our rules (if a friend repeatedly takes you home late without valid reason, they will no longer be able to drive you).
- If you ever need help, need to talk about something serious or personal, whatever, please come to us. If you aren't comfortable talking to us about it, we won't be mad and will help you find someone you can talk to.
- Be a good friend. If you see someone in danger, get them help. You're not being a bad friend by telling a secret if it's something that jeopardizes their health or safety.
- Driving, going out with friends, and having technology are all privileges and can be rescinded at any time.
- Rules are subject to change at any time for any reason.

 

[luvsJack]

yes it does

Waaaiiiitt. Are you serious here?

My daughter wore a purity ring. It was very meaningful to her. And I still talked to her looonnggg before her wedding day. And I never kidded myself into thinking it would stop anything. Hopeful? Yes. Guaranteed? Not even a little bit.

She went on the pill her senior year and had access to condoms. Before and after the pill. The pill doesn’t stop other things and isn’t 100%. I don’t know if she had sex before she met sil (I know they didn’t wait or I assume they didn’t we haven’t exactly discussed it), but I know if she did, she had the knowledge she needed to protect herself.

 

[Hikergirl]

I feel obligated to point out that not every single teen is having sex. Yes I know tons of them are. The best study I could find was from the CDC that stated by the end of senior year approx 58% of teens reported having had sex. That means that approx 42% are NOT having sex. Again yes, the majority is - but that doesn't mean every single kid.

Of course not every kid is having sex. Not every kid is drinking or doing drugs, or texting while they drive either.
It doesn't mean as parents we should wait until the night they decide to do that activity to discuss it with them