Rules for teens?

[1GoldenSun]

DD (15)'s boyfriend just started driving. Now we have to figure out all the rules regarding "dating." Before, either his parents or DH or I had to drive them everywhere so we always knew where they were, when they were coming home, and more or less who they were with (although they could have pulled the wool over on eyes on this one if they really tried).

For those who have teens, have had teens, or were a teen (so all of you!), what are/were the rules? What time was curfew? Did you have to know exactly where the teen was and who they were with at all times? What did you expect in terms of communication?

I feel like at 15 I'd like to always know where she is. Like--we're going to see the 7:00 movie, that ends at 9:00, then we're going to Steak & Shake, so we should be home by 10:30. Maybe when she is a junior and has been driving herself for a while I'd loosen up and let her just go "out" and be back by a certain time. I know that when she is in college she won't be reporting her comings and goings to anyone so I want her to gradually get used to more independence now. But I think going from being driven everywhere by her parents to being let loose on the town with her newly-driving boyfriend is not something that should happen overnight.

She is a good kid but chomping at the bit to gain her independence and I think she will probably try to push this as far as she can.

I am interested in any and all rules you have or had for your kids, not just regarding curfews and such. Did you allow boyfriends/girlfriends in your teens' bedrooms? Did you allow them to be in your home if a parent wasn't there? Were they allowed to go "hang out" at the homes of friends you didn't know? What about friends you did know--did you ask if parents were going to be home?

This is all happening so fast!

 

[low-key]

Gods Speed

 

[ronandannette]

Gods Speed

Agree. @1GoldenSun , these are perilous times, different even than when my DS was that age; he's 22 now. I think it's not only reasonable but responsible and necessary to require your 15 y.o. to inform you of where she is at all times and in general, who she's with. Presuming you're not ridiculously strict, this shouldn't "cramp her style" other than, as you identified, her urge for independence. All kids go through that - many would disagree with me but I also think one is prudent to check-up once in a while and have a decisive consequence for lying. Some will make the argument that these kinds of rules only "force" kids to lie and sneak but to my mind, that's just conceding that a parent must simply allow their kids to do anything they want. It was a non-negotiable "rule" of ours that as long as DS was a minor and we were paying his cell bill, he had to have "Find iPhone" downloaded. We didn't track his every move, but we did use it some, especially when he started driving.

As to curfew, we didn't exactly have one. DS needed to be home at whatever time we deemed was reasonable for the activity/occasion. Both boys and girls were welcome in our home and to visit with DS in his room but only when we were home and with the door open. This may have gone by the wayside as he got older and we left him alone more; it wasn't a hill to die on for us as we were generally pretty comfortable with all of his friends. We were also fine with him spending time at their homes and deferred to whatever rules those parents imposed as to whether or not they were present. He had a fairly tight group all through high school and to our knowledge, there really were no kids we didn't know (or at least know about).

One last thing - your comment about your DD going to college; remember that 18 is quite a bit more mature than 15. You'll recognize as she grows over the next couple of years that you're not releasing an infant into a dark, scary forest to be eaten by wolves. You won't be entitled to, or able to make every decision for her but then again you won't need to. Trust me on this and good luck!

 

[disneychrista]

My oldest daughter didn't date at all in HS. My youngest had a boyfriend at the end of her Freshman year and another her Sophomore year. None where of driving age so that wasn't an issue. I drove her to where ever they were going.

You have an absolute right (and responsibility) to know where she is and who she is with. If you haven't already you should make sure she understands your expectations in regards to drinking/drugs, sex, etc.

 

[low-key]

You also have to guard aganst the parents that use this type thinking "teens, are gonna drink, try some drugs and have sex" so I would rather them do it at my house where I know there safe" , noooooo, if you do any of that stuff you better hide it from me

 

[disneychrista]

You also have to guard aganst the parents that use this type thinking "teens, are gonna drink, try some drugs and have sex" so I would rather them do it at my house where I know there safe"

Teen may drink, may use drugs & will likely have sex. So you have to be there for your child when they do. If your daughter calls you to pick her up because her BF or she has been drinking - DO IT no judgement, no lectures, etc. Same for if she is planning or is having sex and wants help getting birth control. No judgement, just do it.

Don't be my mom and say to come to you and then not really be there. I came to my mom when I started having sex for help getting on the pill. Her response was "I don't think our insurance covers that." I was pregnant about a month later, 2 week before I was able to get into the free clinic.

 

[ronandannette]

Teen may drink, may use drugs & will likely have sex. So you have to be there for your child when they do. If your daughter calls you to pick her up because her BF or she has been drinking - DO IT no judgement, no lectures, etc. Same for if she is planning or is having sex and wants help getting birth control. No judgement, just do it.

Don't be my mom and say to come to you and then not really be there. I came to my mom when I started having sex for help getting on the pill. Her response was "I don't think our insurance covers that." I was pregnant about a month later, 2 week before I was able to get into the free clinic.

Teens shouldn't be drinking or using drugs - period, full stop. I do completely agree that if you get "that call", you absolutely go with no questions asked. Any consequence gets dealt with later when your child is safe.

Every family will have it's own values and ethics regarding sexual activity. I don't know if our DS was having sex during those years; he knew our expectations. I'm so, so glad not to have had a daughter because it would have been a huge moral dilemma whether or not to facilitate birth-control. I don't know what your parents motivation might have been but your story is a sad one.

 

[luvsJack]

When my sons were teens, there weren’t a lot of cell phones. So while I knew their plans for the night, I knew I didn’t know just where they always were. When Dd got that age, she had a phone. So if they started at the football game and then decided to go get something to eat, she was expected to send a quick text just to let me know. Can’t say for sure she always did that but she usually did.

Curfew depended on what they were doing and I wasn’t unreasonable about being late. My rule was to get home safely even if you were going to be late. I would rather they be 15 minutes late than speeding home to make curfew. Of course with cell phones Dd could just give me a quick call.

We were very open to talking to the kids about alcohol, drugs and sex. Of course the expectation was “don’t do it” but reality said they might.

So birth control was something they had access to. Dd started taking the pill her senior year for problems with her period. No idea if any of them had sex in high school. We talked about the possibility but not if it happened. Dd wore a purity ring through high school but of course that doesn’t guarantee anything.

And they all knew not to drive under the influence or ride with anyone under the influence. If they found themselves in that position, they could call us and we went and got them no questions asked. Since all three of them got calls from friends in that situation and they went and got them, I think that lesson definitely sunk in.

 

[Hikergirl]

You can't get your license here until you are at least 16 1/2. When my kids' friends started driving none of my kids were allowed to ride with them for at least 6 months after they got their license. At 15 years old, I may have made that rule a year.

My ds is almost 16 and the rule is I know where he is and who he is with, and if plans change I want to know about it. I pay for his cell so he can communicate with me about where he is so if he isn't doing that then there is no reason for him to have a phone. So far that seems to work and he hasn't given me a reason to not trust him.
His friends are starting to drive though, but he knows he isn't to get in to a car of someone who just got their license, or with someone I don't know yet.

We've had the alcohol/drugs and sex talks with him and we are open with our expectations but also we understand being young and the pressure that goes with it. He knows he can come to us, without judgment or punishment, because all we want is him (and his friends and girlfriend) to be responsible and safe.

 

[design_mom]

My youngest is 15 and my oldest is 18 (almost 19). I think your rules sound reasonable. My kids have never had a "curfew" but I needed to know what they were doing, where they were, when we should expect them home. If there were changes to the plan, I expected to be notified a.s.a.p. (They have cell phones, it shouldn't be an issue to let me know.)

When they were first driving with newly-licensed drivers, I wanted more assurances too. Like that they'd be the only teen passenger (that's actually the law here -- only one non-family member passenger for the first year -- but it's a secondary offense, I think, and not enough parents enforce it from their end.) And I also wanted a text when they got to/left each location on their itinerary. My son finally said "can't you just track my phone so I don't have to text? That's what everyone else's mom does!" so I said "Sure!" ;-)

 

[ronandannette]

...I also wanted a text when they got to/left each location on their itinerary. My son finally said "can't you just track my phone so I don't have to text? That's what everyone else's mom does!" so I said "Sure!" ;-)

That's hilarious! When we did it to our son he indignantly tried to convince us that no other parent on earth would even think of such a thing!

 

[sharona]

My dd is 16.5 and just got her driver’s license so dealing with that all now. Our “rules” are pretty basic:

If she has the car she needs to be home by 10:30 if just out hanging around - by 11:30 if there is a specific destination ie at Mary’s house, at the movies...

I do want to know where she is.

For local places, I ask that she text me where she’s going and who she’s with (I do check up on her occasionally using find my iPhone tracker)

For getting in the car with others driving, we discuss who/where/what time before she goes.

Teenagers change their plans every five minutes, so there’s a lot of texting involved to keep up with what they’re up to but I think it’s worth it for them to know that you want to know what they’re doing and where they are. Of course they’re going to lie, they’re teenagers - that’s what they do! It’s our job not to make it easy for them.

Good luck! I’m sure you’ve raised her to be a responsible and caring person so in the end she will make the right choices

 

[BingoJoe]

Make sure they know how catastrophic it would be to either get pregnant or get someone pregnant.

Make sure they know how to use condoms and have them if they are a boy, and if they are a girl support them in getting a coil or getting on the pill.

Remember that everything apart from a baby is fixable and abstinence it a fairy tale.

 

[serenitynow]

You just do the best you can and keep reminding yourself that while they look grown up, they are still making decisions with teenager brains and experience.

One of our family rules is that we own everything in our house. We pay for your cell phone, we own it. We reserve the right to review your texts at any time. You can have guests in your room in our house when others are home, with the door open. “Your” car is yours to use so long as you follow family rules. No drinking, no drugs, no just driving around with friends, no street racing, no tickets.

Curfew depends on the event or activities planned on a case by case basis. We don’t just throw open the doors and say be home by midnight. So as long as you live under our roof (sound familiar?) we need to know The Who, what, where and when of anyone’s planned activities outside the home.

Our biggest problem has been with other parents, surprisingly. Co-Ed sleepover birthday “tent parties” are big here. Someone throws up a couple of tents in their backyard for the kids to sleep in, build bonfires or fire pits for the kids to cook hot dogs and s’mores. We do not let our children attend. I’ve had parents call me to tell me that they trust their teens and clearly I have the problem with my kids.

Another big deal around here is for parents to rent a hotel room at the Six Flags two hours away so that the teens can spend the day at the park and not have to make the 2 hour drive home tired and drowsy driving. I can only assume that no one informs the hotel that 6-10 teens will be staying there overnight with no adult supervision. We don’t allow our kids to do that either.

My kids aren’t always happy with me, but as I constantly preach, love me, hate me, it doesn’t matter to me. I am your parent, not your friend.

 

[sharona]

His friends are starting to drive though, but he knows he isn't to get in to a car of someone who just got their license, or with someone I don't know yet.

Here, they get a junior operators license first. For the first six months they are not allowed to have anyone in the car with them other than siblings or adults. They are not allowed to drive their friends. This is both good and bad as it presents yet another thing that you have to say no to when they keep asking to let their friends in the car and telling you that everyone does it

 

[Hikergirl]

Here, they get a junior operators license first. For the first six months they are not allowed to have anyone in the car with them other than siblings or adults. They are not allowed to drive their friends. This is both good and bad as it presents yet another thing that you have to say no to when they keep asking to let their friends in the car and telling you that everyone does it

That is how it works here too but a lot of kids take driver's ed in school and then they skip the junior license and automatically get their senior one so they aren't bound by the rules of the junior one even though they are still new drivers.
ETA- there are also plenty of kids who don't follow the rules of their junior licenses too so they cram a bunch of friends in their cars.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Our rules are basic--we need to know who you're with, where you're going, when we can expect you back. I have really mellow kids, it hasn't been so much of an issue.

The one thing we do emphasize is, our kids and their friends can always count on a ride from us. Always. Every. Single. Time. This has a two-fold purpose. One is, my kids or their friends can call us at any time, and we'll get them, no questions asked. I'm not going to cover for them with their parents, and they'll face whatever consequences in the cold light of day, but we will get them to safety. The second benefit of this is, when you chauffer kids around, they forget that you're there. You hear some pretty interesting stuff while driving your minivan around town--stuff that you might not hear any other way.

 

[SteveH]

We established our ground rules well before our kids were teens. No dating until 16* (see below). No electronics in bedrooms. Phones were on the chargers in our room at night or dead the next day Same rules as when they were kids until 16, we had to meet the parents of anyone's home they were going to, and they had to tell us who they were with. As for curfew, pretty much by high school it was 11PM, exceptions were made.

*My oldest had a "girlfriend" in Middle school. Their dates were going to each others home, out to dinner with family, etc. Didn't have their first "date" until 16 though. They dated all through high school, went to college together, survived his study abroad in Korea and his Masters out of State and next year they will be married at 24. They like to tease us about our "No dating" rule

 

[sk!mom]

First, I would get her on birth control. I Do not believe that it will let them I think that you’re fine with them having sex but rather that you want them to be prepared when that time comes.

Most parents I know with teens currently use Live 360 to track their kids. It even tells you how fast they’re driving.

My kids always just needed to let me know where they were going and their curfew was dependent on that.

Boys in bedrooms or here when we weren’t- not at 15, 16, 17. But we have a separate living area where they could hang out.

By the end of senior year, they kind of managed themselves and DD’s bf, who she is now engaged to 5 years later, would be in her room hanging out and watching TV. He also might be there when we weren’t. But we realized that in 3 months, she was rule free so we needed to trust her to make good decisions.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I had twins that pretty much ran in the same circles. DS is super responsible when it comes to social rule following so he often insisted on driving with both his sister and his friends, and we were comfortable with that because we knew he was a good driver and that he'd follow the rules. We were often the go-to home and they could have fun without drinking (pool, fire pit, family room w games, food, going out to get a bite to eat or movie or whatever, etc.). I guess we were fortunate that their friend groups weren't big into alcohol or drugs, though they did have some friends that they sort of broke away from when that started happening. DS was serious about his sport, and as a captain he not only wanted to set a good example, but would never have risked penalties of not playing or getting thrown off the team, which their school was really strict about. He had teammates that it happened to and he did not want it to happen to him. We also were not opposed to letting them have a beer or a drink when they were with us in a family situation so it wasn't a big mystery or draw. We're not a big drinking family (DH hardly drinks at all; I might have a beer or glass of wine now and then) but I certainly understood kids partying from my own hearty partying days in HS. (My circmstances were very different, though, than my kids' were.) Mine are legal now, and they still aren't big drinkers. We had a birthday weekend this weekend with a celebration last night - everyone had exactly one bottle of alcohol. (I threw half of mine away, and I think DS's girlfriend did, too.) The bigger draw was the delicious dinner we cooked and the beautiful day we had on an outing together before that.

As for the sex part, I remember a girl I worked with, when I told her my DD had a boyfriend in 9th grade, saying, "No blankets". Wait, what? Hmmm. Yup, probably right, no blankets, lol. (Or arms stay above.) But as a nurse I've always been really open, from the time they were young, about talking about their bodies and teaching them about how babies are made, etc. DS didn't want to talk about it, really, but I made sure he did have a working knowledge as well as a supply of condoms available when he started dating. For DD (who also is soon to be a nurse, so has a mind for this type of thing), I gave her a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves fairly early on so she could start to look it over and use it as a resource if she didn't want to come to me out of embarrassment or whatever. We also talked about birth control early on, and she had access to condoms as well. She was honest about when the time came that she thought she should be on the pill, and we made sure she got on it and HOW TO TAKE IT CORRECTLY (bolding because I've heard many stories about incorrect usage).

I ended up posting some rules on the side of the fridge about teen boyfriend and girlfriends once I learned the ropes and just in case there were any questions. No blankets was #1. There were also rules about roughhousing in the house since one of DD's boyfriends was very physical and broke two of our doors and even put a hole in the wall! Another was being respectful of others and other relationships in the house since that same person sometimes acted disrespectfully toward her brother, wanting to wrestle him every two seconds or teasing him, etc. BYE!

Early on (HS) we did have a rule about nobody up in rooms, but over time (after HS, early college) that evolved into ok to be in rooms with doors open, and acting respectfully. Both of mine commute to college now and we don't mind if their boyfriend or girlfriend stays over, doors closed, as long as we know them well and feel comfortable with them. Idk if I would feel the same way if we had younger kids in the house, but we don't, and we're realistic people.

We never tracked our kids on phones, but they were good about letting us know where they were going and shooting us a text if they were going to be late, something they still do. DD was an hour away on unfamiliar roads Friday night and didn't get home until 1:30am; I was appreciative of having some idea of when to expect her. DH and I do this for eachother, too, so I think it's just a basic element of respect and not necessarily an age related thing. My mother, who lives with us, wouldn't be able to do this anymore, but I've kept messages on my phone from not too long ago where she'd called me worried because I'd stopped to shop on my way home from work and I'd forgotten to let her know (for her a phone call was still required). I think it's probably just something that most families do for eachother, especially in this day and age where it's so easy to text.

I think all these issues can be tough issues to work through, as there are so many variables involved, and people have strong opinions about them. You know your own kids best, so just take it slowly and do what works best for your family. I think if I had to pick one word to recommend, it would be "balance". Kids that age don't respond well to really strict everything, but they also still like to have some rules, as it helps them feel safe when they're still navigating those roads themselves.