Remarriage after a spouse dies?

[safetymom]

I think unless you have walked a mile in their shoes it is hard to say what you would do.

When my husband died I had people coming out of the woodwork telling me how I should now live my life. My late husband and I had discussed what we should do if one of us died. He told me to be sad for awhile but then move on. I consider that a blessing because he told me how he felt.

 

[Galahad]

I have heard that sometimes after a man is married for a long time, he can't imagine himself ever not being married, and that wanting to get remarried soon after his wife's death is a sign that the marriage was a good one.

That was my thought. If I lost DW I would either never get married again or get married very soon - nothing in between - for pretty much the same reason.

 

[DISUNC]

Dh and I have a friend and his wife passed away last fall. Around Nov. he had the final memorial service and scattered her ashes. They have 3 older children and 2 grandkids.

Yest. we get a note that he is getting married in June and got engaged New Years Eve. We wish him well, but it got dh and I talking. We were wondering if he has really had enough time to grieve over his spouse. It was like 5 weeks from the final goodbye to the next engagement etc.

How long do you think is long enough to wait before you get remarried?

My best friend says if his wife dies first, he would have to take his new fiance to the funeral.
It does sounds tasteless, BUT it is a testament to his wife. He is one of those men who would be LOST without a wife.

So in answer to your question....Who knows? To each his own. Be supportive.

 

[Goofyzgurl]

I think that's soon but I guess it depends on the person. I've read where if they've been married a long time and one partner dies, the other will follow within a year. DH and I have discussed what each would do, dh says he would never remarry. I told him that I didn't want to be alone and would get remarried. Probably not as soon as that, but maybe he's lonely.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

It sounds like he was older, and did she die after a lengthy illness?

If so, sometimes knowing that the end result is going to be death, a lot of people deal with it by moving on, (emotionally) during the process.

Every one grieves in their own way and he may have dealt with it and moved on.

It could also be that he met someone on sort of a "rebound" situation after his loss, and that person filled the void left by his wifes death.

Thats a hard thing to judge.

Yep. I had an aunt who died after years of cancer. Her and her husband had been married for more than 50 years. She decided to find another woman in their church for him to marry after her death. Just a couple months after she died, my uncle married this woman.

My aunt did this so that he would have a companion and someone to help take care of him after she was gone.

Personally, not something I would ever do.

On the other hand, My parents were married for mre than 30 years before my mom died. She left my dad a letter telling him to find someome else and be happy. He's gone on only 1 date in almost 9 years. He's not even interested.

 

[pepperw23]

Grief is tough. Two months seems like two years.

Watching my mom over the past two months since my Dad died has been just as painful for me as the grief of losing my Dad. It is almost like I lost both parents that day. I was extremely close to my Dad (I'm also close with my Mom). He was my best friend. He was also my Moms best friend for 43 years before dying suddenly.

That being said, I would be ecstatic if my Mom was able to find happiness of some sort. I know she loves my Dad and no one can replace that. I also know my Dad loved her more than life itself. He would want her happy. Human companionship is extremely important. I could never judge anyone that way.

Heck, if it would take away even 1/4 of my Moms pain I would be all for it and would dare anyone to say a word about it.

 

[need_a_Disney_fix]

I am personally experiencing exactly what the OP is going through right now. My mom passed away April 22, 2008 after a three year battle with breast cancer. She and Dad were very happily married for 52 years and after her passing, he was lost and alone in hte house that held so many happy family memories. It was just a month or two after Mom's passing that Dad told me he had a female companion. I was floored and did not understand. I was pissed. It was not long until I accepted Carol and fully understood why this was happening. Carol was a close friend of Mom and Dad as well as her daughter and son in law. They also grieved with Mom's death. Carol welcomed Dad into her home just to get him out of the house and the misery he was experiencing. With the passing of time they are growing closer and finding their relationship fulfilling. They are exactly what each other needed and I thank God that they found each other. I am very sure Mom would be very happy.

OP, it is my belief that its all good.

 

[disney1990]

Dh and I have a friend and his wife passed away last fall. Around Nov. he had the final memorial service and scattered her ashes. They have 3 older children and 2 grandkids.

Yest. we get a note that he is getting married in June and got engaged New Years Eve. We wish him well, but it got dh and I talking. We were wondering if he has really had enough time to grieve over his spouse. It was like 5 weeks from the final goodbye to the next engagement etc.

How long do you think is long enough to wait before you get remarried?

It depends. Had his wife been sick for a long time? To me, that makes a difference, than she just suddenly died.

However, if he thinks the time is right, I think he should go ahead and get remarried. None of us can "know" exactly what he has gone through.

Be happy that he found somebody else to spend his life with. I would.

 

[tar heel]

My in-laws were married almost 62 years and had the most amazing marriage I've ever witnessed. They truly completed each other -- it was almost like they were two halves of one being. My MIL died unexpectedly last June after a sudden and catastrophic illness. It took about a day to identify what was going on, and my FIL struggled mightily to come up with something treatable it could be. It was so sad to watch him b/c, as a physician, he knew pretty much every sign was awful. After exploratory surgery, the doctor came to the conference room to tell us what he had found and that she was not going to make it. My father-in-law was so devastated that it was just awful to watch.

The last thing we expected was a girlfriend... My FIL was a very good-looking man and is still a dapper old guy. They live in one of those big continum of care retirement villages with more women then men, and the women were immediately after him. He had no interest whatsoever, BUT he got a sympathy note from his high school girlfriend, whom he was supposed to have married before he met my MIL. He went to visit her, and now he visits her weekly, usually for two days. He says it gives him something to look forward to and that he enjoys their shared history that goes back to elementary school. We've not met her yet, but will be seeing her next month at his 90th birthday celebration.

DH and I have vowed that we will be supportive and that any reservations we have will not be shared with him. My sons don't yet know about her, so we've got to talk to them before the party. I expect my 21-year-old to have a hard time with it -- he was extremely close to both of them and is going to have trouble understanding why Granddaddy would want someone else.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How long do you think is long enough to wait before you get remarried?

Depends. In this circumstance the kids are older and dad wanted a companion.

If there were younger kids involved then I think some waiting time would be appropriate.

 

[STLDisney_Freak]

I got married at 18. DH and I will celebrate 12 years this October....One marriage is totally enough for me.

 

[legalsea]

My wife and I have agreed to remarry should one decease the other.

Somewhat disturbingly, my wife has her second wedding all planned out. THAT is not so bad, I guess, but I am uncomfortable that she has already reserved the church and reception hall for September 9, 2011.

 

[Todd&Copper]

My grandmother got remarried fairly soon after grandpa died (he had been sick for a long time). I think she didn't know how to be alone & independent - she had gone straight from her parent's house to the home she & grandpa bought; daughter to wife, overnight.

Her second husband was a total ****** who stole some of her jewelry to pawn and eventually beat up on her. She got a divorce and quickly learned that being independent is a great way to be. [Being alone does not mean being lonely].

In retrospect, of course I wish poor Gram didn't have to go through that, and *maybe* a longer courtship would have dissuaded her of the notion that she needed that jerk.

 

[wvjules]

I can see how it would be different for everybody. As for me I don't know that I'd ever get remarried if I lost DH. I definitely wouldn't do it until/unless my young DD's were grown and out of the house. I don't want any man to have that kind of access to my children unless he is their biological father.

ITA. I feel fairly certain that I would never get married again if something happened to DH, but I am absolutely certain that I would never even consider it while I still have children at home.

So do you two think that all single men are perverts just waiting to pounce on your unsuspecting children?

 

[debbi801]

Grief is tough. Two months seems like two years.

Watching my mom over the past two months since my Dad died has been just as painful for me as the grief of losing my Dad. It is almost like I lost both parents that day. I was extremely close to my Dad (I'm also close with my Mom). He was my best friend. He was also my Moms best friend for 43 years before dying suddenly.

That being said, I would be ecstatic if my Mom was able to find happiness of some sort. I know she loves my Dad and no one can replace that. I also know my Dad loved her more than life itself. He would want her happy. Human companionship is extremely important. I could never judge anyone that way.

Heck, if it would take away even 1/4 of my Moms pain I would be all for it and would dare anyone to say a word about it.

I am sorry for your loss.

This is exactly how I feel. It's been a year since my dad died and my mom is still so lost. I would love to see her not lonely and happy again.

 

[momto2girls]

So do you two think that all single men are perverts just waiting to pounce on your unsuspecting children?

Oh no! Of course not!

I just would never put my children through that. If they lost their father, the last thing I would want to do would be to put further stress on them by having a stranger come into their house and take over that role. If my DH were to pass away, I would want them to have my attention and focus and not worry about me spending my time nurturing a new marriage. IMO that would just not be fair to them. If they were in that situation, I would want the rest of their childhood to have a minimal amount of disruptions.

I would feel the same way if I were to get divorced instead. As a child of divorce, I know that this is a situation that I would never put my children in.

 

[swald91]

My brother was a police officer who died of a fatal heart attack at age 43 about 18 years ago. We love our sister-in-law and really wondered if she would find someone & remarry. She hasn't & she still misses my brother terribly-especially when her dad died last year & she told me how they talked about being there for each other when our parents were dying. I think it really depends on the situation...I can't imagine being alone-without my husband, but I'm not sure I could get married again. I guess we all grieve different & go on with our lives differently than we may have thought we would.

 

[Pei4ever]

As with any situation, you really do not know what you would do until you are actually in that situation. You might even surprise yourself!! My father and I have both been there and done that---he remarried within a year---and yes, I am very happy for him. I did not think I would ever remarry with two small children but I did about two years later. Life is way to short----one must live it to it's full potential and enjoy every moment along the way!

 

[Judy Judy Judy]

My dh and I have been talking about this very subject just this week, a friend of ours wife passed away 10 months ago and the man has already dated, gotten engaged and married another women, we found that to be disrespectful of his late wife of 27 years, I know she would have killed him...lol

 

[nana2tots]

Seems to me like no one waited long enough, but what am i to judge. My SIL still hasn't even started dating again, and it's been 16 months, but then again, i think the Girl's have their say so on that. I wish he would, so he wouldn't be so darn Grumpy all the time. They haven't even removed any of Sandi's things yet, Bedroom , closet still as the day she left it.