Relocation vent....

[darrose]

One last question: if you leave the kid (s) with him while you work would they be safe?

 

[ballroombelle]

Okay, the trouble with the finances is that in his eyes, I don't make the money so I don't control it. He does.
I have the checkbook and I pay the bills but he holds the cash card and always wants to know to the penny what is in the account and what has been spent.

You take care of the little corporation that is your family.

You pay the bills, plan and prepare the meals, launder his clothes and clean his house so that he can sit around and watch HBO and play video games filth-free. You are apartment hunting, which is a task and a decision that decides where the largest single chunk of the paycheck goes. What you just posted just saddens and infuriates me. What on earth did DH think marriage entailed?

He allots you money for food and bills, correct? Please, please think more of yourself and start thinking of yourself as an EQUAL in your relationship.

It scares me to think that they could watch the way your husband is, and learn to behave just like that.

MTE.

 

[oogieboogie]

Nope, I'm 31 about to turn 32. Sometimes it takes some folks longer to pull it together than others but I'm attempting to make the changes now. That's got to be worth something right?

It's worth a lot, D. It means you've admitted that there's a problem and you're willing to find a solution to the problem.

Unfortunately, I also think you're still making excuses and justifying your DH. We've all had stumbles in relationships, life, marriage, but until you stop making excuses on why you can't do this or why it's not possible to do that... you're really not going to get anywhere.

Back to the issue, some questions I had in the back of my head:

1. When your DH has his video/computer day on Sunday, what do you do? Do you just hang around the house? If he can stay awake playing video then he can watch the baby during his naps. Then you can go out of the house once in a while. I'm a computer/football widow on lots of sundays, but if I want to get out to watch a movie, he better damn well watch the kids.

2. Do you cook for him too? What do you think he'll do if you go on strike? Just a thought here. If you decide to take a weekend and go to your mom's, how does he live his life without you? Can he function by himself?

3. Do you (perhaps) think that you may be babying him too much?

 

[DWhittles]

One last question: if you leave the kid (s) with him while you work would they be safe?

THAT is the problem. He doesn't want to watch them at all. Maybe when they are bigger and out of diapers but not now.

 

[poohandwendy]

I HATE drama and fighting. Hate it with every single fiber of my body.

But don't you understand, that is just another excuse. You have to overcome your fears to make change occur. Do you remember labor pains? Scary, painful, who likes pain? and guess what...too bad, you have to deal until you get pain relief or the baby is born. The end result is wonderful inspite of the fear and pain.

This is what we are asking of you. Deal with your fears. face your life head on. Make something happen, don't hide behind a tree. The end result is wonderful and much less painful than what you are dealing with now.

 

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

You need to have blind faith and just do it. Do anything, something. You cannot just sit back and post on the internet all day, it will accomplish nothing, nada. I'm more pissed at "the King" than you are and I'm not even sleeping with him. You seem to not hear any of the great advice that has been offered. You just keep posting away like we are discussing which resort to stay at.

Diana, do it for the innocent ones, take yourself out of the equasion and do it for the babies. You are much better off WITHOUT him.

 

[poohandwendy]

THAT is the problem. He doesn't want to watch them at all. Maybe when they are bigger and out of diapers but not now.

Do you believe he loves his child/ren? If he does, he will step up if he HAS to step up. You have NOT demanded it.

 

[DWhittles]

It's worth a lot, D. It means you've admitted that there's a problem and you're willing to find a solution to the problem.

Unfortunately, I also think you're still making excuses and justifying your DH. We've all had stumbles in relationships, life, marriage, but until you stop making excuses on why you can't do this or why it's not possible to do that... you're really not going to get anywhere.

Back to the issue, some questions I had in the back of my head:

1. When your DH has his video/computer day on Sunday, what do you do? Do you just hang around the house? If he can stay awake playing video then he can watch the baby during his naps. Then you can go out of the house once in a while. I'm a computer/football widow on lots of sundays, but if I want to get out to watch a movie, he better damn well watch the kids.

2. Do you cook for him too? What do you think he'll do if you go on strike? Just a thought here. If you decide to take a weekend and go to your mom's, how does he live his life without you? Can he function by himself?

3. Do you (perhaps) think that you may be babying him too much?

I SWEAR I'm not trying to make excuses for his behavior or his actions. I've had it up to here with it all and I'm ready to do something about it.
If the weather is nice I'll usually tell him I'm taking PJ out and he will wind up coming too.
I'm going to be leaving the dog with him on Monday and we will see how that goes...
I don't really cook. I'm actually a lousy cook. I can make the basics which is usually what we have.
When I go away, he cooks for himself and takes care of himself just fine. He also spends more time than any one human should playing online Chess.

 

[cynsaun]

Okay, the trouble with the finances is that in his eyes, I don't make the money so I don't control it. He does.
I have the checkbook and I pay the bills but he holds the cash card and always wants to know to the penny what is in the account and what has been spent.
I don't know what I would do differently if I did have the cash card.
I agree with you about my sons which is why I realize that now more than ever is time for me to take action and make changes. If not for me, then certainly for the boys.

This isn't the 1950s, and if your name is on that checking account, you are entitled to a check card. Call the bank yourself and see what is needed to have a card sent to you in your name. Don't let him control you!

 

[DWhittles]

But don't you understand, that is just another excuse. You have to overcome your fears to make change occur. Do you remember labor pains? Scary, painful, who likes pain? and guess what...too bad, you have to deal until you get pain relief or the baby is born. The end result is wonderful inspite of the fear and pain.

This is what we are asking of you. Deal with your fears. face your life head on. Make something happen, don't hide behind a tree. The end result is wonderful and much less painful than what you are dealing with now.

I agree. I'm now at a point where I'm willing to fight to see if the changes will be made.

 

[danacara]

Justine makes a great point - how did you think you were going to do 2 months in a Berkshires without a car?

 

[DWhittles]

You need to have blind faith and just do it. Do anything, something. You cannot just sit back and post on the internet all day, it will accomplish nothing, nada. I'm more pissed at "the King" than you are and I'm not even sleeping with him. You seem to not hear any of the great advice that has been offered. You just keep posting away like we are discussing which resort to stay at.

Diana, do it for the innocent ones, take yourself out of the equasion and do it for the babies. You are much better off WITHOUT him.

Okay,
I'm done posting on this thread till after I attempt to discuss the first issue at hand which will be the cable bill.
I'll let you guys know how it goes.

 

[danacara]

Yikes! The first issue is not the cable bill! The bigger issue is access to the checking account! Start there!

 

[jipsy]

I'm going to be leaving the dog with him on Monday and we will see how that goes...

Please tell me you didn't just post that. Honey, please go find yourself a local woman's shelter, go in and ask to speak to a counselor. Tell them exactly all you have told us and get some good sound advice for child care and a job and transportation. If you can't even trust your husband with a DOG, there's no way you can trust him with your and your two children's future. Running to the Berkshires in the summer with no transportation is not the answer, unless you plan on moving there and getting a job in Great Barrington or Sheffield or Pittsfield or something. If you can't find a local woman's shelter, then call your ob/gyn or your pediatrician and explain to them that you have no money really and need some assistance. There's all kinds of aid for women like you.

I'm not saying you should leave or divorce this man, but what I am saying is that you deserve OH SO MUCH MORE and so do your CHILDREN. I know what I am talking about, believe me. I left my abusive husband and a few weeks after I left him I lost my job and company car. I was in an apartment with no job, no transportation, no furniture, nothing. I sold off what little I owned and moved 1200 miles away from him and started over. IT WAS NOT EASY and many times I was on the edge of homelessness, but I did it and I made it.

DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE instead of listening to us!

 

[DWhittles]

Yikes! The first issue is not the cable bill! The bigger issue is access to the checking account! Start there!

Okay then...the checking account first. Then the cable bill...

 

[phillybeth]

If the king wants the premium channels, then by God they are going to stay with not another word.

If the 'king' wants his wife and children around he better start acting like an adult.
DH and I make about the same, most years we are within shouting distance of 6 figures, and we don't have premium cable because it's too expensive! Budget the luxuries first dearie or you are going to premium cable your way to a cardboard box home.

 

[Pamlur]

I just managed to wade all the way through this thread.

First of all, I'm a grandmother and the way I look at things today is probably opposite to what I looked at things when I was young with a worthless husband and a baby (and I didn't have the second one on the way).

You feel overwhelmed, you feel trapped, you can't think straight. I worked full time, yet it was the most gigantic step in my life to walk away from that marriage. It's HUGE!

The OP has already said that her husband didn't want any children. Just the fact that they have one, and another one on the way, isn't going to change his mind about that. There's no forcing a man to watch a child that he didn't want, nowhere has the OP said that the arrival of the baby wrought a miraculous change of heart there. If he falls asleep without warning, there's no way she can trust him to hold a baby, even if he's begging her to allow it. Taking a job and leaving him with two children isn't the thing to do unless/until the sleep problems are solved and his willingness to actually CARE FOR them has been addressed.

She has a couple of months before the new baby is due. My advice (and I had might as well give it) is to decide where she wants her life to go after the birth of new baby, and then set her sights in that direction and go for it. The move is obviously imminent and important, and has to be the first priority right now.

Everything can't be accomplished at one time.

 

[phillybeth]

THAT is the problem. He doesn't want to watch them at all. Maybe when they are bigger and out of diapers but not now.

And I don't want to work every day. I do it because I HAVE to. He is a selfish child. You're not haveing your second child, you are having your third.

If he tried this type of behavior at work, how long would he have a job? Not very long. Why do you let him get away with it at home?

 

[PlutoPony]

What do you think would be your husband's reaction if you left him - either now or after your 2nd son is born. Dismay? Relief? Anger?
How do you think your husband views you and your son - a distraction, people who make him feel good or bad, part of the room decor, what?
I assume you're very unhappy now - at least you seem to be.... Does he realize that? If not would it help you if he knew? Would it matter? If he does know, does he care?

Just trying to get an idea of what might be going thru his mind now and how that might help you

 

[DWhittles]

Okay,
we are going to the bank this weekend to get my name on the account and get me an ATM card. I will then have 100% access to the money but he has requested that I just let him know when I'm going to make a purchase and when I take money out.
We are also going to switch to basic cable.