Relocation vent....

[DWhittles]

I'm so frustrated now.
We are on the hunt for a new apartment because my landlord is going to tear the one we live in down.
Our lease is up in April and I'm due to give birth in May. I really don't want to have to pack boxes and deal with movers a month before my due date (literally a month. Our lease ends April 12th and my due date is May 13th) so I've started looking for apartments.
Our budget is tighter than tight and we can't afford much more than what we are paying now. ($1250 a month plus utilities)
We want to either stay in Hoboken (not going to happen. Rents here are sky high for a 2 bedroom) or go to Brooklyn.
I started looking today in Brooklyn and found some okay stuff for a little more than what we are paying now ($1400 - $1600)
I tried to talk to my husband about it tonight and he doesn't want to deal with it now. He got mad at me. He refuses to move to any other part of Brooklyn than Bay Ridge (where we used to live) or Hoboken and refuses to pay a cent more than what we are paying now. End of story. Period.
The trouble is, people are renting now for February 1st not March 1st so I now have to sit on my hands and wait 3 weeks or so to start looking again.
This not knowing where I'm going to be is making me really insane. I'm so tense and stressed out.
I know part of it is hormones but I'm now on the verge of tears.
I'm the type of person who plans things very far in advance and tends to over plan. My husband isn't. He doesn't want to know how it gets done, he just wants it to get done.
Hence he refuses to help me look for apartments or even scour classified ads claiming I'm home all day it should be my job....
Vent over...

 

[kasar]

I feel really bad for you - I don't know what I'd do if my DH pulled the nonsense that your's does. Sorry to be so blunt but you've posted so many things about him that make ME want to kick him in the butt, I can't imagine how you feel living it everyday. Short of changing his personality (which doesn't look likely) looks like you're on your own for this one. But honestly, I don't know if you're going to find the EXACT apartment, with the EXACT rent in the EXACT neighborhood that he wants by yourself in a month's time.

He doesn't want to know how it gets done, he just wants it to get done.

I don't know what to say about this. I only wish you luck in finding something and that it doesn't cause you too much stress.

 

[C.Ann]

Gosh - that's an awful lot of stress to be under when you're expecting.. I'm wondering though - doesn't the landlord have to give you 30 days after your lease expires to move out? Of course it wouldn't be much easier - trying to move with a newborn - but at least you wouldn't have to worry about hurting yourself or getting over-tired..

Personally, I think if your DH can't/won't co-operate in this matter then you are just going to have to take the bull by the horns and make all the decisions yourself.. I did this once with my first DH - he refused to be a part of the decision making so he came home from work one night to find that we had moved - across the street and halfway up the block.. After that little incident he learned real quick that he better not ignore me or try to shove everything off on me just because he didn't want to be bothered..

I sure hope it all works out for you and you're able to make a smooth move - either now or later..

 

[Beth76]

Oh I'm sorry I know how you feel. We moved into our house 2 weeks before my due date with #1. Of course, he was our first, so I didn't have a toddler to deal with too. But, we managed OK. Believe me, much better to do it while pregnant than while having a newborn and recovering. A friend of mine just moved into a new house with a 3 year old and 9 months pregnant. So, it can be done.

If your DH won't help then you either A)get to decide what to do and he can't complain or B) you need to have a major hormonal moment and make him help. Good luck!!

 

[Crankyshank]

Wow! Let me know where you got that magic wand he thinks you have. I could use it myself.

Seriously the man needs to grow up and get over himself. The housing market is completely different in the NE than it was a few years ago - heck it's even different than last year. He's got to decide to either move someplace that will meet your budget or pay more to live where he wants to live. If neither one is acceptable to him, then he either needs to find you that magic wand or he needs to do the apartment hunting himself.

Honestly? Not to be a witch or anything, but there is no way I would tolerate even a minute amount of bs he's slinging if I were in your shoes. You don't deserve to be treated like this and seriously I don't know how you do it

 

[hentob]

DWhittles,

How old is your DH?

 

[phillybeth]

Dear Lord those rents are outrageous! I couldn't afford that and DH and I both work full time. My mortgage is less than that. I don't know what you and your DH do but get the heck out of North Jersey/NYC and come to Philly. You can rent a two-bedroom in a great neighborhood for half that, or buy a 3 bedroom house and pay about that for a mortgage.

 

[Serena]

Fine, he wants to act like a child, then let him. I would find an apartment or house, whatever it is you need. Within your budget, where ever it happens to be. Then I would move. It's not like he won't come with you, he's just leaving everything to you so he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything, and then complain when it's all over. Been there, done that.
You do what you have to and he'll get over it or not.


btw, he's an ex now, so you might not want to take my advice. But I didn't put up with crap like that.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Its the end of January and your lease isn't up till April. Will it do any good to look now? Will there be any apartments to rent for the time period you are looking for? I am assuming that you won't want to sign a lease that would start before April 1, especially if money is tight. Would it be best to wait until late Feb/early March to look? Why stress out over that now if you can't sign a lease? Or are you just trying to narrow down areas/complexes?

 

[peacefulgirl]

I can relate. I bought a house and moved in 3 weeks before I had my DD. We were in a 1 bedrrom apt with 3 of us and I was a nut ! I knew with a baby we had to move and we did, to another apt. But then this house deal came at us and we HAD to grab it, so we moved again! I moved 3 times in 1 year and was pregnant for 2 of them. We survived, but not without my crying for most of it. And the day we moved in the house it was 90 degrees outside and my feet were swollen crazy! What a nightmare LOL. That was 11 years ago and I still remember it all.

I feel for ya kid! arggggggg see I said it for ya

 

[pw2pp]

If I were you, I don't think I would take that romantic night in NYC with him until after he helps you find a place for your growing family to live. With the way he is acting, I don't think I would even want to get romantic with him.

 

[hentob]

I really have to agree with pw2pp. A romantic night with him? How romantic could it be? I would be looking at him all night wondering why he treats me so horribly. I would actually be disgusted when I looked at him.

I would also be worried about eating at such an expensive restaurant (Tavern on the Green) and staying at such an expensive hotel (The Ritz), when you live paycheck to paycheck.

If you are going to spend that kind of money (I would imagine credit card?) treat yourself to a day spa. They have special treatments for pregnant women and Lord knows, you deserve it. Tell your husband to stuff it and go do something for yourself.

You are better than this. You know that, right?

 

[DWhittles]

DWhittles,

How old is your DH?

LOL, mentally he's 3 physically he's 33.
He's a pain in the rump a good deal of the time but he also has good qualities, I just never seem to post when anything good happens. Only when I need to vent on him.
I'll never sugar coat him or his actions. He can be a total beast and there are times when I wonder how I live with him.
This whole thing with the apartments just has both of us so stressed out beacuse the timing is just so awful.
Someone said that my landlord has to give us 30 days . This is the absolute worst landlord I've ever dealt with. He doesn't do anything he's "supposed" to do.
(I have a leaking kitchen celing, tiles falling off the walls due to a leak from the shower faucet and the drain doesn't work)
I don't trust him to do what he is "supposed" to do.
Because we weren't planning this move we have to borrow money to make it happen which I can't STAND DOING.
My husband hates his job and is sending his resume out and job hunting every single day.
It seems like everything is coming down all at once and it's frustrating.
The tension level in this apartment is sky high...I try during the day to do what I can and it's really difficult to talk to Mike during the day so when I started apartment hunting, we hadn't discussed areas or budget.
I went with what I thought we could afford and where I thought might not be awful to live.

I was just frustrated that after almost an entire day of hunting on Craig's list for places he tells me that he doesn't want to pay more and has specific areas he wants to live in.
Now that I know what he wants, I'll work with it.

 

[DWhittles]

Dear Lord those rents are outrageous! I couldn't afford that and DH and I both work full time. My mortgage is less than that. I don't know what you and your DH do but get the heck out of North Jersey/NYC and come to Philly. You can rent a two-bedroom in a great neighborhood for half that, or buy a 3 bedroom house and pay about that for a mortgage.

The trouble with Philly is (as nice as I think it is) 1. Mike won't move there I don't think and 2. We would be awful far away from my mom and my sister who are my only source of babysitting.

 

[DWhittles]

Fine, he wants to act like a child, then let him. I would find an apartment or house, whatever it is you need. Within your budget, where ever it happens to be. Then I would move. It's not like he won't come with you, he's just leaving everything to you so he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything, and then complain when it's all over. Been there, done that.
You do what you have to and he'll get over it or not.


btw, he's an ex now, so you might not want to take my advice. But I didn't put up with crap like that.

My husband is stubborn. If he has something in his head, that's the way it is. If he's heard that a neighborhood is bad, then he won't go near it even if it isn't bad. (that was an awful example) He has to touch taste, feel smell see to change his mind.
I'm setting up appointment with apartments in areas that he might THINK he doesn't want to live in but once he sees, he might like.
I should have gone about this the way I go about everything and that is just do what I have to do and tell him where we are going when the time comes.

 

[DWhittles]

If I were you, I don't think I would take that romantic night in NYC with him until after he helps you find a place for your growing family to live. With the way he is acting, I don't think I would even want to get romantic with him.

LOL, that romantic night is out the window budget wise. We need every single penny now.

 

[hentob]

Seriously, you _do_ deserve to do something nice for yourself on your birthday. I am glad you are being responsible and not blowing money you don't have on dinner and a hotel, but you should still go out and do something for yourself and by yourself. Even if it's just a coffee and a book at a cafe. But, you will go insane if you never, ever have time for yourself.

In the past, you have posted that your husband has never fed or walked your dog. You also posted that he has NEVER changed a diaper, fed his son, rocked his son, gave his son a bath, changed his son's outfit or got up in the middle of the night to soothe his son.

So what are his "good points"?

You will soon have another child. If you think tension is running high in the apartment now, get ready for hell on earth. You will soon be doing all of the things that your dh refuses to do. All by yourself. With two babies.

Again, you are better than this. You deserve better than this. I think he is cruel to you.

Demand respect before baby #2 comes, or you will be living a miserable life for a long time to come.

 

[danacara]

Bay Ridge or Hoboken 2Br on $1250/mo, in the kind of place you'd want to raise children? No way. Short of a miracle, impossible. You need to look west and south, along the train lines or PATH. Your mother lives near me, and your sister lives in Monmouth County, right? I'd start by looking in Jersey City, Elizabeth (not a great area, but your kids aren't school-age yet), maybe Linden, maybe some of the cuter towns like Maplewood and South Orange ... there's some small chance you can find something there. If your husband is unwilling to accept the reality check, then you have to do it for him. That second baby is going to be EXPENSIVE.

Is there any way you can move in with your mother for a while, or your sister? The financial pressure on this marriage is just enormous. I don't know how you're even getting out of bed in the morning. Seriously.

 

[ericamanda01]

I'm so sorry to hear about your DH. I am in the same boat. I love DH who is, in my eyes at least, the perfect man. But he can put things off forever. I plan months in advance for any big event,ie. vacations, wedding, honeymoon, camping trips,ect. But he just assumes that it will all just work itself out. Of corse it will because I am getting it done! I sometimes feel like the man behind the curtain in Wizard of Oz! But don't let it get you feeling overwelmed. You will find a place you like and can afford. And if it's not what your looking for then sign a short lease, and look after you have the baby. Either way good luck!

 

[robinb]

When is the apartment going to be demolished? Maybe you can go on a month-to-month lease until that happens giving you more time to find a place.