Relocation vent....

[shortbun]

There are a lot of people judging you and your husband from your posts. I know you want help and it seems like you know where to direct yourself. As far as your spouse is concerned, you'll probably need to learn to detach from him and do things the way you need them done-his desires not considered. You have kids to take care of, he needs to take care of himself. I don't know what to say about the video game/TV day thing. Taking all the stuff to a used game store, selling it and buying diapers and baby clothes seem like a reasonable thing to do because he does not participate in any way with your children. Are you afraid of him? That's the only reason I could think of that things could get worse. Do what you need to to take care of yourself and your children.

 

[Pongo69]

Wow I honestly feel sorry for you "BUT" it's not the end of the world.
If your husband doesn't see anything he doing as being "wrong".. fine you can't change that because he's a grown male. What you can do is change the way your life is heading which is something he can't control. You can either stay and continue to live the life your living or get out.

I'm not saying break up your marriage, but if it takes seperating from him to make him wakeup and do right by you so be it. Sometimes it take drastic measures to make some people wake up and realize what your not going to take anymore. If you don't demand respect you won't get any respect. I'm sorry to say but from the looks of things your dh doesn't show you any by his actions.

Another thing, does he only fall asleep when he's home around you and the baby? I ask you this because if and that's a big "IF" he is suffering from a sleep disorder wouldn't he also fall asleep at the bar where he and his boss go after work. Wouldn't he also fall asleep while working out at the gym? Does he fall asleep while playing games on his "game day"?

I do hope everything work out for you, but if you don't stand up and make a change in your life he'll continue to walk all over you because you let him do it. NOONE deserves to be treated like your being treated. I hope you realize YOU DESERVE SOO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!!!!

Goodluck

 

[jipsy]

Another thing, does he only fall asleep when he's home around you and the baby? I ask you this because if and that's a big "IF" he is suffering from a sleep disorder wouldn't he also fall asleep at the bar where he and his boss go after work. Wouldn't he also fall asleep while working out at the gym? Does he fall asleep while playing games on his "game day"?

I was wondering the same thing...

 

[hentob]

Are you afraid of your husband?

If so, there is help for you out there for sure! I am sure that there is a not for profit group that could help you. Even if he doesn't abuse you with his hands, he is abusing you mentally.

What would his reaction be if you sold his video games for diapers and formula?

Who will be buying the diapers and formula for this baby?

When you read this thread, how does it make you feel? Are we helping at all with our ideas and comments?

Do you feel differently about your life and where you are going?

Lots of questions, I know. I am very sad when I read your posts. I was actually thinking of you while I was off line today.

You are in very depressing situation. Please do what you can to get out of it.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

DWhittles,

IMO, you need to get rid of the dog. You can barely take care of your child and it's going to get worse when there is another. They absolutely need to be your first priority. How are you able to feed and provide medical care to a pet?

What kind of dog do you have? How old and does it get along with other dogs? I've discussed it with my SO (whom I live with) and though it's been a long time since we have taken in a foster, but I do occasionally take animals from situations like this and place them with permanent homes.

I know you probably can't bear the thought of giving up a beloved pet, but if it would make you feel better about it, if it is possible (size and temperment are an issue) I could probably drive to where you are and take the dog for you if that would assure you that it would find a good home. Again, I'd have to consider the size and temperment, but it's a suggestion. PM me if you want to discuss this.

Sheri

 

[C.Ann]

DWhittles,

IMO, you need to get rid of the dog.

----------------------------------

I agree with this part - because aside from the cost of dog food and vet bills, it GREATLY reduces the number of rentals available to you.. A hard thing to do for sure, but it may turn out to be one of those very necessary sacrifices..

 

[DWhittles]

None of my business, but he is going to the gym and he has not lost any more weight than that? Are you sure he is going??

My DH has sleep apnea, but he would still get up with the kids. Does your DH use a CPAP?

Is my DH the only man that doesn't play those video games? Honestly, I would be throwing those things out.

I am just in shock...I can not imagine being so financily dependent on my parents at your age. Your folks really need to cut the purse strings, maybe that will give both of you a wake up call.

Am I sure he's going to the gym? No, all I have is his word that that is where he is.
He's going to get tested for the apnea next week.
Yes, the videogames are all his and trust me. If I attempt to take them away, it will be 10X worse around here.
Your last comment is not helpful in any way what so ever. My father goes to Costco and buys the stuff on his own. I NEVER EVER ask him for anything. EVER. He does it beacause he loves us and sees us struggling and doesn't want that...

 

[DMickey28]

This story is too weird to be true, some things just don't add up

I think the things that don't add up are because we can see everything objectively from here. It is probably a series of excuses made by her DH as to why he can't care for the child, as well as excuses that she makes for her DH because as much as she may see things as being "wrong" she loves him and part of her needs to stand up for him. I don't think it's a story or a lie... too long and too consistent to be fake. It's just an awful situation to be in.

All the advice on here, minus the adoption, I agree with. I can see adoption as a objective, uninvolved solution however in reality it's not a real life solution.

There is nothing more I can add, other than say I hope the OP gets the help she needs and hope she desires that help soon.

The only questions I have seen go unanswered here is what happens to the approx. $1900/month after rent... however the OP doesn't have to answer to us and I understand that. She probably doesn't even know since she doesn't have an control over the finances...

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Yes, the videogames are all his and trust me. If I attempt to take them away, it will be 10X worse around here.

like what? What will happen? What will he do?

 

[DisneyDmbNut]

Could you "Oops", break them?? Take a screwdriver to the pins in the back and "oh darn..it's broken!"
Nah..then he would just spend more money to buy another one...

 

[Michie]

Am I sure he's going to the gym? No, all I have is his word that that is where he is.
He's going to get tested for the apnea next week.
Yes, the videogames are all his and trust me. If I attempt to take them away, it will be 10X worse around here.
Your last comment is not helpful in any way what so ever. My father goes to Costco and buys the stuff on his own. I NEVER EVER ask him for anything. EVER. He does it beacause he loves us and sees us struggling and doesn't want that...

Then tell him to stop buying you things. He is a safety net for you and your husband. MAybe if you lose that safety net, you will start managing your money better. Maybe your husband will have to face the music

My 20 old makes a certain amount of money a year. Granted he is in college full time, plays a sport, but he works 2 full time jobs in the summer. He knows how much money he has to live on. He does without things because he is on a budget He doesn't buy those video things

Get rid of those video things. My Dh has always worked 70+ hours, for years. He owns a heavy industry related business. He has always helped with the kids and the house. And he has sleep apnea, a bum knee, no telling what else.

What are you going to do if something happens to your folks? Or are you counting on an inheritance?

 

[EsmeraldaX]

----------------------------------

I agree with this part - because aside from the cost of dog food and vet bills, it GREATLY reduces the number of rentals available to you.. A hard thing to do for sure, but it may turn out to be one of those very necessary sacrifices..

This is what I was thinking. In city areas, unless you are really, really willing to go through a pet services site, you are going to have a hard time finding a place to rent with a dog.

We're lucky. Like I said, we rent, but we have the sort of place where dogs are welcome and comfortable, as we have a huge yard and a lot of "open" space in the unit itself. (it's not a complex, it's a friend's father's multi family home and he adores dogs). Before we got a dog, we did some research on where we could and could not rent with him in case we need to rent elsewhere before we buy.

We found that in urban areas, it was very hard to find a place, in suburban areas it's not as bad w/ multi family homes. In complexes it's almost impossible. And many of the places that do allow dogs will charge a security fee for that to cover their homeowners.

So, really, if you are planning on renting in the city, in a complex you are severely limiting your cheap rental choices by keeping the dog, who, please don't take this the wrong way, but I can't see how you afford to feed him and take care of him anyway.

I am willing to help if this is something you want to do.

 

[4nana]

Just want to offer some {{hugs}} and prayers for you and your children.
You seem very unhappy and I am glad you feel you can vent here. I have no advise, seems you've already been offered plenty.

I will say, you seem like a very nice and intelligent young woman who loves her children very much and recognize you want, need and deserve a better life style. Sooner or later that survival instinct will kick in and you will do whats best. Good luck and I hope everything works out and today's problems turn into tomorrow's blessings.

PS - your little Patrick is just adorable

<a href='http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb008_ZNxdm86744US' target='_blank'><img src='http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_2_104.gif' border=0></a>Sandie

 

[disneyeveryyear]

DWhittles,

IMO, you need to get rid of the dog. You can barely take care of your child and it's going to get worse when there is another. They absolutely need to be your first priority. How are you able to feed and provide medical care to a pet?

What kind of dog do you have? How old and does it get along with other dogs? I've discussed it with my SO (whom I live with) and though it's been a long time since we have taken in a foster, but I do occasionally take animals from situations like this and place them with permanent homes.

I know you probably can't bear the thought of giving up a beloved pet, but if it would make you feel better about it, if it is possible (size and temperment are an issue) I could probably drive to where you are and take the dog for you if that would assure you that it would find a good home. Again, I'd have to consider the size and temperment, but it's a suggestion. PM me if you want to discuss this.

Sheri

Wow, Esmerelda's generosity is amazing. Not only does she care enough to give advice, she is also willing to participate. That is so very seldom seen these days. A perfect stranger is willing to go out of her way to help this woman and her pet.

Kudos to you Sheri!!! P.S. Check your pms, your inbox is full!

 

[oogieboogie]

I've been reading this thread and coming back every so often but haven't responded but it's been nagging me in the back of my head:

Who's going to take care of PJ while you're in the hospital? In previous posts you have mentioned that your DH likes to gamble. Could this be another reason you are always flat broke? Does he gamble most of the money away?

I'm really concerned for you and I hope you can make some decisions, even if it seems harsh and tough to you, because if you don't put your foot down some time, you'll always be the doormat on the floor.

 

[minniecarousel]

ITA!

Please consider Esmeralda's offer! Renting with a pet is more difficult than w/o one.

Hang in there.

 

[bananiem]

So your father is buying necessities for your son. He's ENABLING your husband to be what he is. Your father needs to stop bailing out your husband by buying stuff you NEED. You husband should be providing those things.
Now ask yourself this- Is your husband the role model you want for your son? Do you want your son to grow up to treat you with disrespect? Is this how you want him to treat his future wife?
Perhaps this is all hard to hear. Maybe your family has been telling you to get out of this situation for years. But sometimes you need a total stranger to tell it like it is, in order to wake up and see it from the outside. It's become your life so gradually that you really need to step back and look at it with fresh eyes.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Wow, Esmerelda's generosity is amazing. Not only does she care enough to give advice, she is also willing to participate. That is so very seldom seen these days. A perfect stranger is willing to go out of her way to help this woman and her pet.

Kudos to you Sheri!!!

Thank you.

It's not really that huge of a drive (well,for people who enjoy driving anyway), we have the space and ability to occasionally take in fosters (one at a time only) and I know from past experience how hard it can be to feel like everything in your world is falling apart. I've been there and I got by it, and if I can make it easier for someone else, I'm willing to do so, even if this is all I can do.

So, DWhittles, I am serious. If you want to discuss this, let me know.

~Sheri

 

[danacara]

Sheri - that was a very cool offer on your part. Snaps to Sheri.

Weird thing that someone pointed out to me: if you google this original poster by her full name, which I won't write here, but is super-easy to figure out ... you see a post she made on another message board, where she asked for the name of a New York City bakery that uses non-buttercream icing, because she was having a first birthday party for her son and inviting 40 adults, and she hates buttercream ... this was three weeks ago? Hope the cake turned out well ...

 

[Michie]

Wow, Esmerelda's generosity is amazing. Not only does she care enough to give advice, she is also willing to participate. That is so very seldom seen these days. A perfect stranger is willing to go out of her way to help this woman and her pet.

Kudos to you Sheri!!!

It brought tears to my eyes when I read Esmerelda's post, such a sweet young lady.

Somebody shoot me if I reply to this thread anymore. The old BP is high enough.

Good luck DWhittles Hoping you find peace and happiness.