Relocation vent....

[pw2pp]

In the past, you have posted that your husband has never fed or walked your dog. You also posted that he has NEVER changed a diaper, fed his son, rocked his son, gave his son a bath, changed his son's outfit or got up in the middle of the night to soothe his son.

Oh my gosh...... I didn't know this. How sad

 

[DWhittles]

Seriously, you _do_ deserve to do something nice for yourself on your birthday. I am glad you are being responsible and not blowing money you don't have on dinner and a hotel, but you should still go out and do something for yourself and by yourself. Even if it's just a coffee and a book at a cafe. But, you will go insane if you never, ever have time for yourself.

In the past, you have posted that your husband has never fed or walked your dog. You also posted that he has NEVER changed a diaper, fed his son, rocked his son, gave his son a bath, changed his son's outfit or got up in the middle of the night to soothe his son.

So what are his "good points"?

You will soon have another child. If you think tension is running high in the apartment now, get ready for hell on earth. You will soon be doing all of the things that your dh refuses to do. All by yourself. With two babies.

Again, you are better than this. You deserve better than this. I think he is cruel to you.

Demand respect before baby #2 comes, or you will be living a miserable life for a long time to come.

He hasn't ever changed a diaper or rocked his son to sleep or gotten up in the middle of the night to soothe him. All this is true.
I'm it around here. 99% of the time I don't mind it. I love taking care of my son.

I've had a talk with him and he is working on making changes to his attitude and his actions. Monday night I'm going to spend the night at my mom's with PJ and Mike is going to watch the dog.

The facts are this when it comes to Mike. I'm not making excuses, just stating why things are the way they are.

He is obese. He weighs 500 lbs and suffers from a malady of mental issues. He has Panic Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder he also suffers from Sleep Apenea.

He sleeps like the dead and doesn't hear anything when he's sleeping. His mother is narcoleptic and if this is a disease that can be inherited, I think he has a mild case of it. He will be sitting on the couch wide awake and then he's asleep. Dead to the world where you can shout in his ear and he won't wake up. Beacuse of this, I won't let him get up in the middle of the night with our son. I know that he will be on the couch fall asleep and drop PJ and I can't risk that so I'm the one who is up all the time.

However, he went to his Dr. monday and he got a script to go to a sleep disorder clinic which he is going to do next weekend. I'm hoping that they will be able to diagonose any disorders that he might have and come up with a solution so we can both safely care for the two babies when the time comes.
As I've said before, I'm also part of the problem around here. I don't ask for help from anyone and when I have to do it I dread it.

Don't think for a second that I haven't thought about packing it all in and walking away. I have. Many many many times.

I haven't done it beacuse I continue to feel that things will get better. I have seen many changes in Mike and much growth. (If I told you what he was like when we first got engaged you would have the folks with the straight jacket at my door)

I haven't done it beacuse I'm not so sure my life would improve any or that I'd be a happier person without him.
I am a SAHM because we can't afford for me to go to work. I don't have family who can take my son from 9-5 and daycare in NYC is around $1500 a month for a full day for one child. I'm about to have 2 children. That's $3,000 a month. I'd have to pull in a salary of around $40,000 a year just to pay for daycare alone and that doesn't include any sort of housing or utilities for me or the two babies.

If someone here can come up with a solution that will allow me to support my two babies and have money in the bank when we are all done and not live in Section 8 housing (welfare) then if Mike doesn't change after baby #2 comes I'll once again consider taking the kids and leaving...

I feel like I have to at least allow him the chance to follow through with the promises that he made to help me out more.
PHEW! This got to be a very long post!

 

[marlasmom]

I reread some of your old posts and frankly, I am amazed. You posted that you deposited 21/2 months rent on your present apartment. That should go a long way toward moving costs. You said that you were planning to go to Atlantic City for your husband's birthday. Seems like something that could be put off. You also said you went to WDW while pregnant. Also seems like that money would have bought a lot of diapers. Glad to see your romantic evening in NYC is on hold. But $1,250 for rent????? That's more than our mortgage payment. You really have to consider moving out to the burbs and letting your husband commute. Millions of people do that - just for the $ and for having a nicer place to live.

I also think you have to take a long, hard look at how you are spending. Call your bank and get a second ATM card. We have accounts in 3 banks and we both have ATM card for all of them. I would not put up with my dh leaving me money every day for food. Decide on an amount you can live with and get it weekly - or bi-weekly or whenever he gets paid. That way you can shop much more ecnomically. I think you need to work out a realistic budget.

I don't mean to sound harsh - well maybe I do - because you HAVE to step up to the plate and take charge of your llife.

 

[DWhittles]

I reread some of your old posts and frankly, I am amazed. You posted that you deposited 21/2 months rent on your present apartment. That should go a long way toward moving costs. You said that you were planning to go to Atlantic City for your husband's birthday. Seems like something that could be put off. You also said you went to WDW while pregnant. Also seems like that money would have bought a lot of diapers. Glad to see your romantic evening in NYC is on hold. But $1,250 for rent????? That's more than our mortgage payment. You really have to consider moving out to the burbs and letting your husband commute. Millions of people do that - just for the $ and for having a nicer place to live.

I also think you have to take a long, hard look at how you are spending. Call your bank and get a second ATM card. We have accounts in 3 banks and we both have ATM card for all of them. I would not put up with my dh leaving me money every day for food. Decide on an amount you can live with and get it weekly - or bi-weekly or whenever he gets paid. That way you can shop much more ecnomically. I think you need to work out a realistic budget.

I don't mean to sound harsh - well maybe I do - because you HAVE to step up to the plate and take charge of your llife.

We actually put down a month and a half.
The trouble with moving to the burbs (and we have considered it) is that we would be paying less in rent but we would then need a car and then we would make car payments and pay insurance plus Mike's travel costs. We would end up paying the same if not more a month.
We aren't going to AC for his birthday either. Both birthday functions have been canceled (we are going to be putting his Christmas gift money towards the move)
The trip to Disney World was paid for by my father. If it were up to us, we wouldn't have been able to afford to go. Our last vacation before that one was in September 2001.

 

[DisneyDmbNut]

I have to agree with everyone on here..while it is admirable that you want to try to let him follow thru on his promises to change, you also need to see that he doesn't seem to be really honoring those promises.
500lbs!! I am worried about his health! The sleep apnea is most likely from his weight and I would be worried about raising children with a man who, if he doesn't change his habits soon, may not be around to help you raise them.
I think Dana had a good suggestion..is there someone you can live with till you can get your finances straight. Honestly, I am am not saying this to be mean or offend, but if you are looking for an apartment in Hoboken or Bay Ridge only and are stuck at $1250 he needs to wake up to reality..he also needs to be more proactive in the search. It is unacceptable for him tho think it is "your job" to do this when he has made these unrealistic demands of location ansd price.
The whole rocking his son and changing diapers, I can't fathom...Is he awake on Saturaday and Sunday...do you ever get a chance to have a "day off"...regardless of the notion you enjoy taking care of your son 99% of the time...everyone needs time to enjoy a day to themselves.

 

[Crankyshank]

Personally I would get a part time job working evenings or weekends. No it's not going to put food on the table, but it will do wonders to help you get back on better financial footing as a family. Not to mention it will get you out of the house and force your husband to act like a Father and not a baby playmate

 

[C.Ann]

He is obese. He weighs 500 lbs and suffers from a malady of mental issues. He has Panic Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder he also suffers from Sleep Apenea.

He sleeps like the dead and doesn't hear anything when he's sleeping. His mother is narcoleptic and if this is a disease that can be inherited, I think he has a mild case of it. He will be sitting on the couch wide awake and then he's asleep.

--------------------------------

This right here sounds like it may be a big part of the problem.. In order to treat others well, you have to feel good about yourself and how could this man possibly feel good about himself with the health issues he has to deal with? Narcolepsy is a very real and very serious disease and if in fact he has it, it could account for his mood swings, lack of energy and general sense of apathy towards anything and everything in his life..

I hope that the trip to the sleep clinic will be helpful and he can begin the road to recovery.. I really feel for this man.. When women feel as though they are overweight it takes a tremendous amount of effort to lose even 40 or 50 lbs. - can you imagine how discouraging it must be for someone who has to lose hundreds of pounds??

As long as he's willing to take steps in the right direction to deal with his medical issues I think I would stick it out for awhile and see what happens.. Meanwhile though, I would find an apartment wherever you can afford one and where you want to live and make the move.. As someone pointed out earlier, it's not like he's not going to move with you.. He will - and then you can take it from there..

Again, my best wishes that it all works out for you in the end..

 

[DWhittles]

I have to agree with everyone on here..while it is admirable that you want to try to let him follow thru on his promises to change, you also need to see that he doesn't seem to be really honoring those promises.
500lbs!! I am worried about his health! The sleep apnea is most likely from his weight and I would be worried about raising children with a man who, if he doesn't change his habits soon, may not be around to help you raise them.
I think Dana had a good suggestion..is there someone you can live with till you can get your finances straight. Honestly, I am am not saying this to be mean or offend, but if you are looking for an apartment in Hoboken or Bay Ridge only and are stuck at $1250 he needs to wake up to reality..he also needs to be more proactive in the search. It is unacceptable for him tho think it is "your job" to do this when he has made these unrealistic demands of location ansd price.
The whole rocking his son and changing diapers, I can't fathom...Is he awake on Saturaday and Sunday...do you ever get a chance to have a "day off"...regardless of the notion you enjoy taking care of your son 99% of the time...everyone needs time to enjoy a day to themselves.

No, I haven't had a single day off since PJ was born and I don't see one in my near future.
The time off will be when I'm in the hospital with the new baby.
Saturday he spends most of the day on the couch sleeping and usually in the afternoon we go to lunch with my father and Sunday is his video game/computer game time. Flame away, you won't say anything I haven't said already. He will hold PJ for 10 mins or so but then feels that PJ is too squirmy and doesn't want to deal with him anymore. He also can't "handle" the crying.
This is going to send you all up in arms but it's background that I think is important. Before we found out I was pregnant, we'd decided we weren't ever going to have kids. Mike didn't want them, he wasn't ready for them. Then 2 weeks later there were 2 pink lines and that was that.
You all have really got me thinking about this whole situation now and I don't know what to do.
The family member that I can go to is my mother but it wouldn't be for anything more than a month most likely less.
While I adore my mom and she does help out with my son, she's a tough cookie to live with and I know that she would be very unhappy with 2 kids and a second dog in a 2 bedroom apartment in Manhattan. Not to mention that she's spent the last 5 years redecorating her apartment and there isn't enough room for 2 cribs.
I wish I could count on my sister to help me out but she's less than reliable and she has sever OCD and Anxiety Disorder and I can't leave PJ alone with her. Her head would fall off.
If I go, I'll have the same situation I have now, no breaks, no support, no help and really no money. Mike makes less than $60,000 a year, how much child support could I honesly get from him?
I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place with no solutions and no answers...

 

[DWhittles]

--------------------------------

This right here sounds like it may be a big part of the problem.. In order to treat others well, you have to feel good about yourself and how could this man possibly feel good about himself with the health issues he has to deal with? Narcolepsy is a very real and very serious disease and if in fact he has it, it could account for his mood swings, lack of energy and general sense of apathy towards anything and everything in his life..

I hope that the trip to the sleep clinic will be helpful and he can begin the road to recovery.. I really feel for this man.. When women feel as though they are overweight it takes a tremendous amount of effort to lose even 40 or 50 lbs. - can you imagine how discouraging it must be for someone who has to lose hundreds of pounds??

As long as he's willing to take steps in the right direction to deal with his medical issues I think I would stick it out for awhile and see what happens.. Meanwhile though, I would find an apartment wherever you can afford one and where you want to live and make the move.. As someone pointed out earlier, it's not like he's not going to move with you.. He will - and then you can take it from there..

Again, my best wishes that it all works out for you in the end..

This is true. His self esteem is zero and it's impossible to really love someone else when you can't even love yourself.
He is dealing with his issues one at a time and after the sleep disorders we deal with his weight. He and my father are both looking into the weight loss surgery.
I'm please he's dealing with this stuff finally. I think that's part of the reason I'm attempting to stick it out for a little bit longer. To see what changes might occur in him.
If I see no changes though, I'll have to make some of my own, I just don't know how.

If the sleep clinic is able to help him with his disorders, then I might be able to look into a part time job at night. If not, then I can't leave him alone with the two babies beacuse he won't hear them or they might get hurt.

 

[jel0511]

I've refrained from posting, but now I have to... I really think you really need to think about what is going on here. Trying to support a family of 4, with only an income of $60k AND live as close to NYC as you want to is basically impossible. We lived in Hoboken for 5 years, and rents and home prices have sky rocketed since we moved out. You really need to move to less expensive housing, and that means moving to the suburbs. I see your sister lives in Monmouth County, I grew up there, and you'd definely find something cheaper there. I live in the Princeton area, and there are pretty cheap and NICE apartments out here, pretty close to the train station too. Yeah, you'll have to get a car, but for that $3,000 you have, you could buy a used car to start so you wouldn't have any car payments. Really, I know for most people who read this board $60k sounds like a lot of money, but for the greater NYC area, for a family of 4, it is realy not a lot. I understand that things are hard right now, but you really have to stop thinking about how much your husband can change and the welfare of your children. Do you want them to grow up in this type of enviornment? You can do better than this, by yourself if you have to.

 

[DisneyDmbNut]

Oh my lord!
I can almost hear the hopelessness in your post.

Saturday he spends most of the day on the couch sleeping and usually in the afternoon we go to lunch with my father and Sunday is his video game/computer game time

Wow...you sound like a dear friend of mine..the only time she has ever been away from her kids is when she had the 2nd..no babysitter, nada...6 years and she is near the point of being a basket case...please...please do something for yourself...tell him that you need to alternate Sundays or SOMETHING..

 

[DWhittles]

I've refrained from posting, but now I have to... I really think you really need to think about what is going on here. Trying to support a family of 4, with only an income of $60k AND live as close to NYC as you want to is basically impossible. We lived in Hoboken for 5 years, and rents and home prices have sky rocketed since we moved out. You really need to move to less expensive housing, and that means moving to the suburbs. I see your sister lives in Monmouth County, I grew up there, and you'd definely find something cheaper there. I live in the Princeton area, and there are pretty cheap and NICE apartments out here, pretty close to the train station too. Yeah, you'll have to get a car, but for that $3,000 you have, you could buy a used car to start so you wouldn't have any car payments. Really, I know for most people who read this board $60k sounds like a lot of money, but for the greater NYC area, for a family of 4, it is realy not a lot. I understand that things are hard right now, but you really have to stop thinking about how much your husband can change and the welfare of your children. Do you want them to grow up in this type of enviornment? You can do better than this, by yourself if you have to.

The trouble with the burbs is lets say we find a place for $900 a month in Point Pleasant. His commute turns into 2 hours plus each way and the cost of the train ticket is $219 a month plus his $60 in subway so we are right back to where we are now!

 

[ksjayhawks]

I guess I don't understand the part about the kids--you said that you two decided not to have any, your dh didn't want them and wasn't ready for them--and now you not only have one, but another on the way. Yes, I understand that not all birth control is foolproof and how one unexpected pregnancy can occur. But if you couldn't afford the first--you said your dad kept your baby in diapers, formula, and food the first year--how can you afford this second one?? I seriously hope you will be sure not to become pregnant again!
If your husband didn't want kids and told you that, why are you disappointed that he doesn't interact with your son? Now you are going to have your load doubled.
Also, the statement that you would have to make $40,000 to cover childcare--that wouldn't do it. You forgot about taxes, FICA, etc. You would need closer to $50,000 just to cover the child care. As other posters have said, I would look out in the suburbs for apartments, somewhere along a commuter train or bus line, if this options exists. Then you would not need a car and insurance. It might make his commute longer, but if it would help lower your costs, it is a sacrifice that might have to be made for awhile. How does he get to work now and what does that cost?
I do hope that your husband can get some medical help with his weight and sleep problems.
Good luck.

 

[danacara]

I fully agree with jel0511, everything she said ... you can't pull this off on $60K, I can't imagine trying to make it as a couple in Hoboken/NYC on $60K, much less with two kids. To be honest, the two of you are lucky that he's even healthy enough to work at 500lbs, much less that anyone is willing to employ him. Part of me is surprised that he was biologically capable of fathering a child at 500lbs.

Maybe this is the last thing you'd ever consider ... but if this is what you've got in terms of a husband, if you're unwilling to make the changes to your life that this second baby now necessitates, for example, moving - to somewhere like Princeton - and if you never really wanted children in the first place - yours is a situation where I might start to gently consider an open adoption. There are families around here who would love this second baby and give him the world. He wouldn't disappear from your life.

 

[jel0511]

The trouble with the burbs is lets say we find a place for $900 a month in Point Pleasant. His commute turns into 2 hours plus each way and the cost of the train ticket is $219 a month plus his $60 in subway so we are right back to where we are now!

True, but at least you're living in a MUCH nicer space to raise children. I also think Point Pleasant is too far to live away from NYC and try to commute. How about Hazlet, Middletown, Red Bank, Little Silver, Tinton Falls? All very nice areas to live and housing is pretty reasonable.

 

[Microcell]

You don't need to justify to us why you stay with your husband, and please don't let people on a message board get you thinking about leaving him when you are getting ready to have a baby and you need a new place to live!

How soon we all forget that our own fathers did not change a diaper on us or give a bath to us. I am speaking generally here. Could it be that he is old fashioned? Can you put him in a position where is alone with your kids? My Dh happens to do everything for the kids, but mostly out of necessity because I work around his schedule. Doing it because he had to led him to doing it because he wanted to (within reason- when DS is potty trained I will miss the games of Rock Paper Scissors DH and I play to decide who changes him).

At the beginning I worried because he seemed hesitant with DD doing these things, so I did it the majority of the time. He told me later he was scared. He was petrified to be left alone with her the first time. Now he can change my DS one handed while eating a sandwich in the other, nothing phases him.

If I chose to, I could complain about the things I don't like about DH, he is horrible with the bills. We would be envious of people who got to live in the poor house if he was responsible for the bills. He does not bathe my kids unless the stench is eminating so bad he can't take it (he does not bathe them). When they are sick, I have to tell him exactly what to do and when to do it. I could go on and on, but the point is you have to pick your battles.

Making a life decision while so hormonal has got to be hard, so maybe the better idea is to talk to him about exactly how to help. My MIL and FIL have fond memories of splitting up the job with their kids- FIL always got up with them at night if she changed all the diapers. FIL's first diaper change was my DS a year ago, because he was alone with him while DH ran to the store. He was so proud!


About his picky ways as far as where to live, get all the info together and show him why it may not be possible to live where he wants to live. It is easier for me to get DH to help make a decision if I gather the information about all the options we have (of course I won't tell if you choose the options that appeal to you only) and say, now what are we going to do? Live in the burbs near the subway station and buy a car, or live in these areas where we can afford the rent. Your places average $1800 a month obviously we cannot do that. If you want to look, feel free, but I can't find anything there that will work.

Some marriages have to work that way. It used to really bother me to be in charge of that stuff, but the trade off is that my kids have a father who loves them and I have a husband who loves me and we live in a nice house because I ensure that we do.

Just trying to show you that maybe there are reasons he is not as attached. He could be the biggest jerk in the world, I don't know, but he could be simply scared.

 

[DWhittles]

I guess I don't understand the part about the kids--you said that you two decided not to have any, your dh didn't want them and wasn't ready for them--and now you not only have one, but another on the way. Yes, I understand that not all birth control is foolproof and how one unexpected pregnancy can occur. But if you couldn't afford the first--you said your dad kept your baby in diapers, formula, and food the first year--how can you afford this second one?? I seriously hope you will be sure not to become pregnant again!
If your husband didn't want kids and told you that, why are you disappointed that he doesn't interact with your son? Now you are going to have your load doubled.
Also, the statement that you would have to make $40,000 to cover childcare--that wouldn't do it. You forgot about taxes, FICA, etc. You would need closer to $50,000 just to cover the child care. As other posters have said, I would look out in the suburbs for apartments, somewhere along a commuter train or bus line, if this options exists. Then you would not need a car and insurance. It might make his commute longer, but if it would help lower your costs, it is a sacrifice that might have to be made for awhile. How does he get to work now and what does that cost?
I do hope that your husband can get some medical help with his weight and sleep problems.
Good luck.

Both babies were unplanned. The one that is on the way I can totally blame on myself. I missed a pill.
Money is really the root of every single problem we have in this relationship. It's so stressful when you have none.
We are going to start looking in the burbs but the burbs in NY and NJ are just as expensive as the city is. The entire tristate area is out of control with costs. The parts of the burbs that can be afforded are cheap for a reason...

 

[DisDuck]

I have a suggestion on where to look which would be closer to NYC therefore lower commuter costs, Montclair, NJ. A friend of mine rents in a multi-unit house (not apartment) for just under $1200/month for 3 bedrooms. Is in walking distance to train which now goes directly to Penn Station in NYC, approximately 1 hour. All stores are within walking distance including elementary school.

 

[danacara]

Put another way, 20 hours per week @ Starbucks at $8 an hour, maybe nights or early mornings while your husband is home with the babies sleeping, comes to $640/month pre-tax, about $500/month post tax, that'd take your housing budget from $1250 to $1750, and $1750 is doable - not ideal - but doable in Hoboken. Even if you don't love the idea of living in Point Pleasant, (which is an incredible place to raise kids by the way), you need to at minimum expand your search to include Jersey City, where $1250 goes a little further. I can't really blame you for not wanting to move out to the suburbs. If your husband is on shaky mental ground, if you move him too far from work/friends, he'll probably quit. I'm not sure that a 500lb guy could even physically tolerate the rigors of commuting.
I'm all about the brash suggestions today, but you need a job or you need to strongly consider adoption for this second baby. You are living your life on a thin tightrope wire here.
Finally, where is the money going? If your father is paying baby costs, if your husband is bringing home $60K and taxed at 35%, he's bringing home about $3250/month ... assuming medical insurance is costing you another $100/month through his job, you should have about $1900/month post-rent. Is he drinking it?

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Dwhittles, I honestly think most of the people here are just alternating between shock, pity, wonderment, and sympathy at your posts.

From what I can gather

1 year old baby, another due in months. No car, no access to transportation. Husband who ... to put it mildly ... has some rather odd ideas about money control. You have no ATM card, no checkbook, and a husband who refuses to give you access to them. He doles out an allowance of what he thinks you need like you are a 9 year old girl. On the other hand though, he barely makes enough to support this familial unit and you have had to rely on your family to keep the first baby supplied with diapers and formula for the first year. You cannot even heat your apartment to the point where you can bathe the baby. Plenty of money for him to party with the friends and play video games though. You soon will have no place to live and no money to move. I'll put it bluntly. From where I sit, this is not a Man or a Parent. It is time to put a stop to this right now. MEN who are relying on Father-In-Laws to feed and diaper their babies spend their weekends either taking care of the kids so their wives can work the 2nd family job, or they spend their weekend working part-time jobs or going to school so that someday they will be able to support their families themselves ... or they move their family to an area where they can get a job that will support their families. What they DON'T do is declare Sunday "my video game day" and sit on their butt doing nothing.

Frankly, this is not a happy life. This is a situation that is spiraling out of control.

You don't know where to begin. Fine. What you have listed are some pretty big problems and I can understand you are overwhelmed. But honey, something has to change. Either with his agreement or without it...it is either going to change for the better or it is going to get a whole lot worse.

Is your name even on the Checking account as an owner? If so -- begin by going to the bank and telling them you want an ATM card and checkbook. If your name is not on the account, then tonight, when husband comes home he needs to be told in no uncertain terms -- I get access to the money or I leave.

If for some reason you are afraid to do this, and honestly I don't think it would surprise anybody here to learn that, then it is time to pack that baby up and get out of Dodge. To your Mother's house for right now if need be, next week and beyond can be figured out beyond that point. If you decide to complete Step 1, Step 2 can be figured out from there.