Relocation vent....

[C.Ann]

Any suggestion of her putting this second baby up for adoption is totally over the top in my book.. I was given up for adoption as an infant and even though it was for all the "right" reasons and I went on to have a wonderful life, it took years and years for me to come to terms with it.. No matter how many times I was told that my birth mother did this so I could have a better life, the only thing that rambled around in my head was, "What kind of person am I that my own mother would give me away??"

There is a solution to this dilemna that does NOT have to include giving up your baby.. All you have to do is to decide on a course of action and then go for it..

I'm going to say some extra prayers tonight for God to give you the strength to work your way through this - with or without your DH..

 

[DWhittles]

wait a minute - isn't your husband the one that stays out every night till 8:30 at the GYM? And goes out for drinks with the boss all the time?

I don't know, maybe he used to weigh 750 lbs and going to the gym has gotten him down to 500 and if so that's good. If he's not losing any of that weight though, then what's he doing when he's at the gym? And if he's that overweight, why is he drinking?

Drinks are expensive out - $3 or $4 per beer; more for mixed drinks. If he has two beers a night plus tips ($10) that's about $3500/year he's spending on booze. There's part of your money solution right there.

He's the one. He's been working late lately so no gym he's been home by 7:30 most nights.
No, he's lost maybe 12 or so pounds at the gym since he started. He also doesn't pay for his drinks. His boss does.
Boy, in print my life looks like one big cluster F doesn't it? I've got to do something about this pronto. It's pathetic~

 

[pw2pp]

This schedule would mean that I'd be all alone with the two kids all day and all night since he works late 90% of the time.

It sounds like you are already alone anyway.

 

[jel0511]

Tinton Falls and Red Bank have gotten just as expensive as Manhattan and finding housing that will accept a dog is very very hard to do.
Middletown is an option I'm looking into though.

I don't know where in Tinton Falls and Red Bank you've looked, but they are DEFINATELY not as expensive at Manhattan. My sister lives in Tinton Falls and rents a THREE bedroom townhouse for under $1600 a month. She used to have a small two bedroom and it was under $1,100, in the same development.

 

[DWhittles]

I agree with TF and Dana...I just want to stress: No matter where you go from here, you and your DH have to adjust the fact that you need to get a part time job, period. You do not make enough money to live if you are as broke as you describe. No ifs ands or buts...girl, as soon as you are recovered from birthing that next baby...you NEED a job in the evenings. It wll give you more money, a sense of purpose, more self respect and an outside source of adult companionship.

And your DH is gonna learn really quick what it means to diaper a baby.

I agree that I need to get a part time job and as soon as this munchkin is born and I'm healed I'm going to look for one...I think it will make ME feel better about ME too if I'm doing something proactive to help myself out!
Right now I just feel the situation is bleak...
I also agree that a family of 4 in Hoboken on his paycheck is a joke. He knows it too which is why he's so stressed out most of the time...

 

[poohandwendy]

I'm not ruling the burbs out or the commute but I did it for a year commuting from Piscataway NJ to Manhattan. I was up at 5:00am out the door by 6:00pm took a NJ Transit Train to Newark, got on the PATH then got on a Subway and then walked to work to be there by 8:30am. I'd leave work at 6:30 and do the same and arrive home at around 8:00 8:30pm.
This schedule would mean that I'd be all alone with the two kids all day and all night since he works late 90% of the time.

Hi going out to a bar with his employer buddy is NOT working, it's playing. If he tells you it is for professional advancement...tell him poohandwendy wants to know where it has gotten you so far? You are B-R-O-K-E. There is ZERO reason you cannot have a part time job at night to bring in the much needed extra money. There are many reasons you should.

 

[bananiem]

Boy, in print my life looks like one big cluster F doesn't it? I've got to do something about this pronto. It's pathetic~

Yep.
Honestly, if what you're telling us is true I have to ask where you left your self-esteem and decided this way of life was good enough for you? Honey, ALL of us deserve better than that.
Good luck to you.

 

[poohandwendy]

sorry DWhittles, you and I posted at the same time...

 

[EsmeraldaX]

First,

I understand what is like to :
a. have a jerky husband. Been there, done that, learned from it.
b. Live in a place where rents are sky high.
c. have financial woes. You get past them, I promise.

So that said, I hope this does not sound mean, but it probably will. But these are lessons I had to learn myself and I want you to know I do know what it is like.

What does your DH do for a living? He may have to grow up and deal with a long commute. Plenty of people at my office in downtown Boston commute for over an hour each day. I'm one of them. It's worth it.

To me, paying that much for rent is insane. If you look outside of the hot areas, you will find places that are cheap and usually a lot nicer. You'll also find people renting out apartments in multi family homes, as opposed to apt. complexes. We rent a spacious apartment w/a large fenced in yard, in a suburb, in a nice neighborhood. It costs us half of what our friends in the city limits are paying for closet sized places with no yard. It will be a longer drive to work every day, but it's better than paying that much for rent.

I have not found having a car makes it more expensive. My friends in the city do not have a car. They are still paying more in rent than I do with all my monthly car costs added in. If you need to finance a car, finance a cheap car. You do not need to buy a brand new fancy car. There are ways you can find cheap cars. And ways to finance them. How can you raise two babies without a car? Even in the city? I can not imagine that. What if you need medical care for them late at night and need to go to a doctor on the other side of town? Can you use whatever you get back from your security deposit on this current apt. to put down on a car?

While I sympathize with your DH and his low self esteem, there simply comes a time when you have to put your children's needs before your own and IMHO, low self esteem is no excuse for being a bad parent. It sounds like he does not pay any attention to the children on the weekends. Perhaps you should sell his video games and video game system to get some extra money. People will always buy those used. In fact, when I was in a financial crunch, I sold off some of my stuff and it actually felt great to get rid of a lot of the clutter and I made a lot of cash doing so. It turned out I had some stuff lying around that was worth quite a bit more than I'd have ever suspected. Can you perhaps Ebay on the side?

 

[ladyjayhawk]

Any suggestion of her putting this second baby up for adoption is totally over the top in my book.

ITA.

Good luck DWhittles, whatever you decide to do.

 

[danacara]

Any suggestion of her putting this second baby up for adoption is totally over the top in my book.. I was given up for adoption as an infant and even though it was for all the "right" reasons and I went on to have a wonderful life, it took years and years for me to come to terms with it.. No matter how many times I was told that my birth mother did this so I could have a better life, the only thing that rambled around in my head was, "What kind of person am I that my own mother would give me away??"

There is a solution to this dilemna that does NOT have to include giving up your baby.. All you have to do is to decide on a course of action and then go for it..

C.Ann, that was your experience, I'm sorry it was so negative for you, but many, many others have found adoption to be an enormous blessing. Naturally circumstances, and peoples' perceptions of them, differ widely, but if it were me, broke, pregnant, spouse with mental illness, marriage unraveling, limited family support, limited employment opportunity, apartment about to be demolished, ... adoption would look pretty good to me right about now, in that it would ensure my child stability. Naturally, this is a very controversial opinion and one to be considered very gently.

 

[twinmomplus2new]

All morning I have been checking in watching this thread. So far I have restrained myself from saying anything, becuase I think anyone in your situation surely can not handle anymore stress.

Are you serious about all of his issues? If he has social anxiety disorder how is he sitting at a bar having a few, and if he is 500 lbs and has anxiety disorder he is at the gym. Those things don't add up.

Video game day are you freaking kidding me??? Game would be sold on E-bay so fast his had would spin. And when he asked where it was I would tell him I bought diapers.

As far as another baby, I agree the suggestion to consider adoption is way over the top. Not a consideration. and insulting to suggest.

I would however get the heck out of dodge with the 2 that I have and NOT look back. Pack up your crap and get to a safer place. Because it doesn't sound to me from the underpinings in your posts that you are in a safe situation. If you are not safe and by the way having no access to money or property is a serious form of control....Go to your mom's go to seek options for housing via agencys that can help you and your soon to be 2 sons. It is only going to get harder to get out once you have two little pumpkins to worry about.

I have to say.... My Dh and I are quasi seperated by my choice. ( simply because He gets on my freaking nerves) I can not fathom for the life of me staying in a situation such as this. Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect and you are not being treated this way. It makes me want to call my dh and apologize for being so tough on him for nothing....

 

[bananiem]

Basically, he has you in jail. As far as I'm concerned he's guilty of spousal abuse. Find a women's shelter and have them help you dig yourself back out.

 

[C.Ann]

C.Ann, that was your experience, I'm sorry it was so negative for you, but many, many others have found adoption to be an enormous blessing. Naturally circumstances, and peoples' perceptions of them, differ widely, but if it were me, broke, pregnant, spouse with mental illness, marriage unraveling, limited family support, limited employment opportunity, apartment about to be demolished, ... adoption would look pretty good to me right about now, in that it would ensure my child stability. Naturally, this is a very controversial opinion and one to be considered very gently.

---------------------------
Don't get me wrong.. It wasn't a totally negative experience for me.. I had a very, very wonderful life with my adoptive parents (who I actually consider my "real" parents) and I was able to make peace with - and develop a relationship with - my birth mother before she died.. It just totally destroyed any sense of self-esteem that I had for many, many years..

Adoption is forever and I see this situation as being temporary.. With a good plan in place and the determination to see it through, there is no reason that such a drastic, permanent, life-altering decision should even have to be considered.. I think she can pull it off with a lot of encouragement and support - even if the only support she receives is here on the DIS.. It sure has helped me during the past two weeks - and I'm sure it will continue to help me as I adjust to my new life..

 

[Michie]

None of my business, but he is going to the gym and he has not lost any more weight than that? Are you sure he is going??

My DH has sleep apnea, but he would still get up with the kids. Does your DH use a CPAP?

Is my DH the only man that doesn't play those video games? Honestly, I would be throwing those things out.

I am just in shock...I can not imagine being so financily dependent on my parents at your age. Your folks really need to cut the purse strings, maybe that will give both of you a wake up call.

 

[DisneyDmbNut]

The line that made me so mad was "sunday is his video game/computer day"

WTH!!!

 

[Michie]

Geeez....after reading all your posts about your "husband" think I will call mine and take him out to "lunch"


Throw away those video game thingamijigs and make him start helping..that is just ridiculous.

 

[Michie]

Does his folks know how little he helps with your kids? Sorry if you have already posted that or not, just cannot get over how little he does with the kids. Fake your own abduction, leave him for a weekend with the baby. Don't leave him any other choice but to take care of him.

 

[RitaZ.]

This story is too weird to be true, some things just don't add up

 

[Michie]

Both babies were unplanned. The one that is on the way I can totally blame on myself. I missed a pill.
Money is really the root of every single problem we have in this relationship. It's so stressful when you have none.
We are going to start looking in the burbs but the burbs in NY and NJ are just as expensive as the city is. The entire tristate area is out of control with costs. The parts of the burbs that can be afforded are cheap for a reason...

I had noo idea that you could get pregnant by missing one pill. I have ALWAYS taken mine the same time, same location in my house, same glass, do wash it though,heck I even face the same direction.