Relationship Struggle

[AppleDumpling]

Honestly, given your situation and complicated past history, it seems like the damage is done and is unlikely to ever get better.

The relationship you have with your BF would be unacceptable to me, however apparently it works for you. That’s fine, but IMO, his daughter will always come first as a priority above you. The fact that he has let it get to this point over the years would really bother me, and his actions speak volumes.

Sorry to say, I just don’t see him respecting and supporting you in the way one would expect from a long-term committed relationship. Ask yourself if you are better off with him or without him.

 

[Positive]

OP, the person you're referring to as possibly having mental illness issues is the ex-wife, not the daughter, correct? Which would mean this girl's childhood was spent in the care of a mentally unstable woman while her father went off and started a new family with another woman and her kids, while god knows what kind of instability or abuse she was being exposed to at home. Maybe she's finally old enough to realize she wants to step away from this dysfunction, or maybe she's harboring resentment because she now realizes all the ways her father failed to keep her safe while she was a child. Have either of you considered that possibility?

Yes, the ex-wife. There are all different kinds of crazy. I'm sure some or most here, read this & think mine fits the bill, lol! I promise you if you met me or us as a couple, you would never suspect that we have been contending with this.
What I know is that she is a volatile, hostile person. She is a button-pusher & likes to majorly stir up problems. You could have a point, but wouldn't that mean that she wants to leave her mother's home, perhaps to live with her father? She could definitely have resentment if she feels he failed to keep her safe, but I'm not sure that is the case. He was very involved all of her childhood years. We did not start a family together. I would have loved to consider the option of having more children, but I adopted 2 daughters & had my hands very full.

 

[Positive]

Honestly, given your situation and complicated past history, it seems like the damage is done and is unlikely to ever get better.

The relationship you have with your BF would be unacceptable to me, however apparently it works for you. That’s fine, but IMO, his daughter will always come first as a priority above you. The fact that he has let it get to this point over the years would really bother me, and his actions speak volumes.

Sorry to say, I just don’t see him respecting and supporting you in the way one would expect from a long-term committed relationship. Ask yourself if you are better off with him or without him.

I am, that is why I sought some guidance. I can't imagine life without him, but I will have to if some real change can't be brought forth.

 

[Positive]

Wow. OP, you are in denial. Your bf does not really value and respect you the way you imagine he does. You have given him all your love and support, and he is stringing you along, not showing you the respect you deserve, not committing to you, and not making you a complete part of his life. You're letting him control this relationship because you're the one who wants it the most, and he's learned that he can get a lot from you while giving very little.

I know you'll argue that isn't true, but all of his behaviors point to that being true. I recommend insisting on couples therapy, or ending it.

I'm not arguing that it isn't true. I am seeking the words of people with an array of life experiences to listen to help me process my thoughts & feelings. I appreciate your post & think I will need to insist on therapy to know that I tried everything. I never though this would be us.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Right up until Thanksgiving day, I had no idea what he was doing or whose table he would be sitting at. I made it a point not to ask, I had plenty else going on that week & he knows that I make dinner & all the other festivities we have. Instead I waited to for him to speak about his plans. Whatever he decided, would be fine. I am not going to be petty or bitter because he wants to spend that holiday with his side of the family, but make a decision! Nobody knew what he was doing, he was home cleaning up his yard until finally at about 3 he asked if he could come for dinner.

I will judge him on this instance alone and say he is not an honorable person.

 

[Positive]

I will judge him on this instance alone and say he is not an honorable person.

So-I will state the obvious & say I am emotionally involved (if you couldn't tell)!
Can you please tell me, in your opinion, why his honor is lacking? What is it about it that hits a nerve with you?

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, if this is a real and true situation...
I would have walked a long, LONG, T I M E ago.

You mention possible change...
Reality Check.... NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

You mention that you do not know what would make a person who uses and abuses and disrepects another person, as a human being, a bad or dishonorable person... When, to some peoples understanding, this is the very definition of a bad or dishonorable person.

Nobody on a chat-board can be effective in helping you to sort this out, and why you devote yourself and subject yourself to such a disrespectful relationship.
I am thinking it would take the right, and very skilled, therapist.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

What would you call it then? I felt that every member of that trip was my family. Families are not always a neat, tidy little package with a DW,DH & 2 DKiddos. I would never disagree that my version of family may be complicated to hear about but assure you it is loving & caring. I have mentioned in past posts that I do feel that my DBFs daughter & I were not as close as I would have wanted through her growing up years. I did try, but didn’t want to shove myself down her throat with terms like step mom.
Also, it wasn’t a cruise, it was a trip to WDW, which we used to ALL love taking together as a family.

A group. I’d call it a group. Like a group of friends going on a trip or a group of neighbors going to dinner. I know that might sound harsh but from what I have read all of the children were not raised as a family. They spent time in 3 different households. Their Mom’s, their Dad’s and maybe yours. It seems more like you were just Dad’s friend if you will to his family. His plus one. I’m sure you enjoy your time with him and all but maintaining completely separate lives/homes most likely made it more like they were just visiting you etc. It’s impossible to be part of the day to day when you have your own home and complete life away from them. It’s just a reality. I wish you the best but I’d search long and hard if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. Good luck.

 

[lifesavacation]

Has your BF mentioned how or even if he expects you, and you alone, to fix this? What would he like you to do about his daughter to change the current course that your family is on?

ETA: I'm unclear if your BF's plan is to just keep everyone separate and carry-on as normal. Does he see your situation as a problem that needs to change?

 

[Shanti]

So-I will state the obvious & say I am emotionally involved (if you couldn't tell)!
Can you please tell me, in your opinion, why his honor is lacking? What is it about it that hits a nerve with you?

I feel the same way, and what hits a nerve is how blatantly disrespectful it is. This is an emotionally abusive relationship, even if neither of you has been aware of that. A good therapist will see through the denial (on your side) and manipulation (on his side) and see if you both are willing to do the work needed to save your relationship, or if it really just needs to end.

I'm totally rooting for things to work out for you, btw. I think most people on this thread are. What you might interpret as hostile posts are mostly "tough love" imo, people trying to get you to see your situation from another perspective, when it's very painful for you to do so.

God bless you!

 

[sk!mom]

Yes, the ex-wife. There are all different kinds of crazy. I'm sure some or most here, read this & think mine fits the bill, lol! I promise you if you met me or us as a couple, you would never suspect that we have been contending with this.
What I know is that she is a volatile, hostile person. She is a button-pusher & likes to majorly stir up problems. You could have a point, but wouldn't that mean that she wants to leave her mother's home, perhaps to live with her father? She could definitely have resentment if she feels he failed to keep her safe, but I'm not sure that is the case. He was very involved all of her childhood years. We did not start a family together. I would have loved to consider the option of having more children, but I adopted 2 daughters & had my hands very full.

You keep going back to the ex-wife but honestly after 18 years you both should have moved past her having much influence. She would, no doubt, still have influence on her DD but you and the boyfriend should be able to just shake your heads and move on with regard to her.

So-I will state the obvious & say I am emotionally involved (if you couldn't tell)!
Can you please tell me, in your opinion, why his honor is lacking? What is it about it that hits a nerve with you?

Not the poster you asked but...

hon·or
ˈänər/

1. • verb

1. 1.
   regard with great respect.
   "Joyce has now learned to honor her father's memory"
   synonyms: esteem, respect, admire, defer to, look up to;
   
   Your boyfriend's behavior as described in this thread does not seem to be regarding you with great respect, holding you in esteem, or deferring to you. Quite the opposite, actually.
   

 

[CarolAnn856]

So-I will state the obvious & say I am emotionally involved (if you couldn't tell)!
Can you please tell me, in your opinion, why his honor is lacking? What is it about it that hits a nerve with you?

I'm not the poster, but I agree with them. An honorable person makes their decision, and they understand that, although there may be unwanted consequences, they deal with them in a timely manner. They don't leave people hanging until the last minute, trying to avoid conflict for as long as possible.

 

[punkin]

The whole not living together but thinking you're a family got me thinking about the Mia Farrow and Woody Allen situation. She thought they were a family and he obviously thought no such thing.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If you do not live together, and do not even know if you will spend a holiday together, etc... etc... etc...
IMHO, you are NOT family....
Not at all.
You are somebody that is kept hanging and used and disrespected and even abused.
An honorable person makes the right decision... Even when it might not be the easiest one... And then stands by it.
An Honorable man treats 'family' or 'the woman he loves' with respect.

 

[sk!mom]

Has your BF mentioned how or even if he expects you, and you alone, to fix this? What would he like you to do about his daughter to change the current course that your family is on?

ETA: I'm unclear if your BF's plan is to just keep everyone separate and carry-on as normal. Does he see your situation as a problem that needs to change?

Very good question. Does your bf see a problem as things are? Does he wants things to be more harmonious? Does he even recognize that there is disharmony?

 

[sk!mom]

If you do not live together, and do not even know if you will spend a holiday together, etc... etc... etc...
IMHO, you are NOT family....
Not at all.
You are somebody that is kept hanging and used and disrespected and even abused.
An honorable person makes the right decision... Even when it might not be the easiest one... And then stands by it.
An Honorable man treats 'family' or 'the woman he loves' with respect.

Exactly! OP, if you were just as much family as any married or long term couple then holiday plans would have been a given. You would not have been left hanging or wondering.

Not to mention, where is the communication in an 18 year relationship if you can't even bring things up and just ask?

 

[Positive]

Dh and I have been together almost 30 years. My sons are 30 and 35. So he has been in their lives for a long time. The thing that made it work is the fact that we are a family. Period. He is a parent the same as me. They have a good relationship with him and always have. They show him the same love and respect as they do their bio dad. More so at times.

If this had happened at any time with us, I would have gotten us and the son together to talk and figure it out. And that, IMO, is what you should insist your bf do. If he plans for you to remain in his life and obviously he adores his dd, then it has to be hashed our so that the two of you can at least be in the same room together.

It doesn’t matter if you think she is being a brat or ill mannered. Do not attack her to her father. Sounds like that is just backing up what her mother is telling her. And do not blame her mother to her or your bf.

What would you do if this was one of your own kids that had an issue with him?

I am happy to have your post to read. What would you do if this was you & your adult child refused? Neither of us can make her join a conversation. If you have a suggestion there, I would listen.
I definitely do not attack her at all nor have I ever spoken badly about her mother to her, I just wouldn't do that. My DBF & I have had many conversations about his ex over the years. He is much more likely to bring up the damage her mother has done with regard to negativity towards me.
If my child acted this way towards my DBF, I would let my son or daughter know this is the person I love & he is welcome into my home & life at all times. If you have a problem with something that happened, let's talk about it, otherwise expect to see him often. If you choose to not be somewhere that we are, I will be sorry to hear it, but that is your choice, sweetheart.

 

[AppleDumpling]

I can't imagine life without him, but I will have to if some real change can't be brought forth.

I am seeking the words of people with an array of life experiences to listen to help me process my thoughts & feelings. I appreciate your post & think I will need to insist on therapy to know that I tried everything. I never though this would be us.

I am sorry. I have no experience with anything even close to your circumstances, but believe that everyone deserves happiness in their life. In my unprofessional opinion, you seem to be lacking self-esteem.

I’m curious, how do your own loved ones (parents, siblings, other relatives and friends) feel about this? Have they been inclusive and welcoming to BF and his DD through the years? Can you discuss your current issues with a trusted family member or close friend who might be able to give you some objective insight?

Also, have you given any thought about how your unconventional family dynamic has affected your own children? What example are you setting for your son and the nieces you raised with regards to how a woman should be treated by the man who supposedly loves her? I think therapy could definitely be beneficial.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

A lot of people are focusing on the OPs nephew's relationship with her DBF's DD. That probably was the catalyst for his DD cutting the OP out of her life, but that was a no win situation for her. Even if her DBF & she hadn't gotten involved in the relationship, the only way I see things turning out differently would have been for the nephew & DD to have gotten married & lived happily ever after. Whether the OP was involved in the relationship or not, her DBF's DD would have still resented her, when they broke up. Either way, she would have been guilty by association in the DD's eyes. Them breaking up was not the OPs fault. It was just more ammunition for the DD to use to fuel her resentment of the OP that had been instilled in her by her Mom for years. OP's DBF should have realized that was the straw that broke the camel's back & defended her to his DD. Instead, he is validating her feelings, by allowing her to get between them. The OP deserves more than that. Only she can decide, if what he's willing to give is enough for her. A long term relationship with no true comittment wouldn't work for but, but I can't tell the OP how to feel. It's a decision she has to make for herself.

OP, you sound like a great person. I hope everything works out in your best interest. You deserve to be happy. You also deserve more than being second best in a relationship.

 

[SRQ57]

His daughter comes first in his life. It is what it is. Honestly, I believe she should come first. She is his child. Just as your children should come first. You are NOT married. You have not lived together as a family. There is a REASON for that. His choice was made long ago. For whatever reason you have not seen it. Yes, he's kind, he's honest, he's a good person. He's also NOT your HUSBAND. You are NOT his WIFE. His choice was made long ago. You are just seeing it now. You may now be looking for more of a commitment, it would seem he's not comfortable with that. He's told you straight out, his daughter comes first. Does it really matter why or when that started?Is he right or wrong? Doesn't matter. He's made his priorities clear. It's time to move on and focus on the good things in your life.