Protecting your kids from predators

[JodyLynC]

Tried to post this on the Community Board, but too many people wanted to turn it into a debate rather than share information.

The question is "What do you do to protect your kids from predators?" I'm sure all of us have heard the horror stories in the news. Some of us were molested as children or know someone who was. A couple of our communities in our city are on alert. One known predator was found trying to handout comic books to kids in a nearby park. Another predator was caught in and chased out of several men's bathrooms. These are frightening situations. So, what do you do to protect your kids?

Some experts say that kids who are loners or with low self-esteem are most likely to be approached. I've enrolled my girls in karate and work on boosting their self-confidence. We discuss what to do if a stranger tries to approach them or a neighbor invites them into their house.

I'm curious to see what other parents are doing.

 

[Disney Mommy 3]

I'll jump in here on this. I definitely am on high alert! I have several family members and very close girl friends who were molested. Ranging from mild to severe.(Not that the trauma or anything is mild-but the forms they range in). I have 2 sons and a daughter and I am just as careful about the boys as I am my little girl. I don't let them wander in stores, or bathrooms alone. I also am VERY careful with who they go home with. I only let them stay with a couple of different kids from our church who we've known a long time. Even then they usually get the talk about what to do if... or if they become uncomfortable-about anything. These other parents are the same way about their kids and we know if either set of kids want to go home in the middle of the night or whatever-it's okay. They know it's okay to call home and leave.

I never want my kids or our friends kids to feel something is wrong with them if they become uncomfortable.

I don't want my kids to be so terrified they have problems, but safety first, ya know? Some kids are very naive and others are more mature-so it def. depends on your kid. We have a friend who's kid is a year older than our oldest and their is NO way his parents could(or would ) leave him alone for any short amount of time. He's just not matured in that way yet-every kid is on a different level.

Sorry this got long!! It's a very touchy/emotional subject. But I always would rather be a little too conscience---once something happens you can never go back and undo it.

 

[In a hurry]

I think people shared very accurate info on the other thread. Didn't notice it being a debate at all.

I think that you can scare kids to death. Steal their confidence, rather than impart it.

I have 5 kids ranging from 2 to 22. I taught each to talk with strangers. And strangers have saved the lives of 2 of them. I think that as a parent we have to do the best we can to give them skills, and be there for them, should the unthinkable happen. We can't always protect them. Freedom and indepance are best practiced at home.

I can't imaging such limitations on a 12 year old boy. Seems counterproductive for someone who might be heading off to college in just a few years.

 

[bumbershoot]

I read The Gift of Fear, and it really showed the problems with "stranger danger", since the most dangerous people to children are relatives and friends of the family. I highly recommend reading that book.

With my son we talk about if "someone" were to try to take him, what to do, and we practice a little bit. The other day he *thought* he saw a "bad guy" and went running pellmell down the sidewalk...we had to have a little talk about "if I'm WITH you and the 'bad guy' is half a block away, you shouldn't run AWAY from me".

I do NOT talk only about strangers. We talk about *anyone* doing bad things and what he should do.

Other than that, like people said in your other thread, "what CAN you do?" People thought you were doing good things, and didn't see more that you could be doing, and that going further might be too much.

Talking about doing too much, here's an example we came across two nights ago. It has to do with safety, but not the same sort of safety.

DS never put stuff in his mouth as a little kid, but at around 2 he started doing so. He's NEVER choked on anything, but sometimes he does bounce around with things in his mouth, and we're working on stopping that.

When I was little, my mom and I were at a neighbor's house, and the neighbor had change on the table. I guess I put a quarter in my mouth ,and it went to the back of my mouth and blocked my airway. I was choking and in big danger. My mom always kept her nails short, and she had small hands, and couldn't reach in to get it out. (I'm not sure anyone thought about Heimlich) The neighbor had big ol' fake nails, and was able to reach in and scoop out the quarter without pushing it in further. She saved my life.

We've shared the basics of that, because I keep my nails short, unless they feel like growing, but still they never get as long as Miss Sue's nails.

We thought we did good with that explanation.

Well the other night he was messing around with pool noodle that has been turned into a sword, and he was taking bites of it (his back was to us and we weren't paying close enough attention). Suddenly he was in a panic, with his mouth open, pointing into his mouth. He wasn't talking, and ran to hubby, who didn't really understand. I saw the pool noodle, and said that he must have a chunk in his mouth, but hubby couldn't see it. We asked if DS could breathe, and he took big unobstructed breaths.

We figured out he must have swallowed it.

He FLIPPED OUT. Started crying hysterically, came to me, shaking, screaming "how are we going to get it out, help me help me!"

I had a glimmering of his problem, and I asked what he thought was going to happen to him b/c he swallowed the foam, and he whispered "I die" while still sobbing his eyes out.

Turns out he thought that ANYTHING going to the back of his throat like that was going to choke and kill him.

Obviously we messed up BIG time, b/c he didn't realize that swallowing was different than choking, and we freaked him out WAY too much.

So now we have to figure out another way to describe the problem, b/c I don't want my boy sobbing that he's going to die, b/c he swallows a speck of pool noodle.


And I think that sort of thing is what might happen, if you go too much further in what you are doing with your girls, and I think that's what people were saying to you on the other thread. I saw NO debate. I saw ONLY good information, and pats on the back for what you are doing.

 

[In a hurry]

My husband used to take every danger to death! Took me two kids to break that habit!

 

[imthatgirl]

i dont know that i have ever put any thought into protecting against predators specifically.i think that its all just lumped in the parenting and teaching them to be responsable and aware.
i ahve 3 kids, i dont over protect by any means. my oldest is 8 we live in a great neighborhood and she is allowed to spend time riding bikes and running around the neighborhood, its what kids do. i have a nephew whos 9 and has not a single friend and isnt allowed to be a child, its sad. so i wont do that to my children.
but when we are out in a store or mall they stay close. but more than me keeping a close eye on them they are taught to scream. they are taught about who safe people are and why they shouldnt ever talk to people we dont deem as safe.
basically im doing my best to teach them that to be aware and to use the heads and the power that comes with a voice, and thats not just to scream, but to voice themselves. because not all predators are people oyu dont know.

 

[JodyLynC]

I'll jump in here on this. I definitely am on high alert! I have several family members and very close girl friends who were molested. Ranging from mild to severe.(Not that the trauma or anything is mild-but the forms they range in). I have 2 sons and a daughter and I am just as careful about the boys as I am my little girl. I don't let them wander in stores, or bathrooms alone. I also am VERY careful with who they go home with. I only let them stay with a couple of different kids from our church who we've known a long time. Even then they usually get the talk about what to do if... or if they become uncomfortable-about anything. These other parents are the same way about their kids and we know if either set of kids want to go home in the middle of the night or whatever-it's okay. They know it's okay to call home and leave.

I never want my kids or our friends kids to feel something is wrong with them if they become uncomfortable.

I don't want my kids to be so terrified they have problems, but safety first, ya know? Some kids are very naive and others are more mature-so it def. depends on your kid. We have a friend who's kid is a year older than our oldest and their is NO way his parents could(or would ) leave him alone for any short amount of time. He's just not matured in that way yet-every kid is on a different level.

Sorry this got long!! It's a very touchy/emotional subject. But I always would rather be a little too conscience---once something happens you can never go back and undo it.

I'm with you. I know a large number of people who were molested as children. Some incidents were more severe than others, but regardless, it is still molestation and traumatic to a child.

I'm doing my best to give my kids the best tools without scaring them too much. In Karate class they are learning about defending themselves. When we go to stores, we ask them "if you get lost, where do you go?" They should point out the service desk.

My other mom friends and I discuss different questions to ask our children, and how best to educate them. Yes, some parents are concerned about scaring their kids, but at the same time you want them to be a little scared. One mom put it this way, she said "you don't want kids to be scared of the bus, but you want them to be scared of what happens if you don't follow rules of the bus. I want my kid to be scared about stepping into the road when the bus is coming. He could be hit and killed. Rules keep you safe. There are safety rules in dealing with cars, guns, fire. There are safety rules in dealing with people."

 

[Minnie_me]

OP, you need to read "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin DeBecker (the author of "The Gift of Fear", which someone recommended above). Both books are excellent.

They will empower you.

I haven't taught my children not to talk to strangers. I've taught them HOW to talk to strangers. Starting with simple things like going back up to the counter at McDonald's and asking for ketchup. It's important that your children feel safe and confident in this world. You need them to be smart about the world, not afraid of it.

We practice scenarios all the time. And my kids don't always do well! That makes me realize what we need to work on. It should be an ongoing conversation with your child, not just a one-time sit-down talk.

 

[JodyLynC]

OP, you need to read "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin DeBecker (the author of "The Gift of Fear", which someone recommended above). Both books are excellent.

They will empower you.

I haven't taught my children not to talk to strangers. I've taught them HOW to talk to strangers. Starting with simple things like going back up to the counter at McDonald's and asking for ketchup. It's important that your children feel safe and confident in this world. You need them to be smart about the world, not afraid of it.

We practice scenarios all the time. And my kids don't always do well! That makes me realize what we need to work on. It should be an ongoing conversation with your child, not just a one-time sit-down talk.

Practicing scenarios can really be eye-opening. Sometimes we miss things as parents. I remember an experiment that was done on kids at the park. I think it was 20/20 that set up a situation with park moms. These are moms who discussed stranger rules with kids and were confident that their kids would not go off with the plain clothes policeman who would be approaching them. The cop was dressed nicely and acted politely. He had a picture of a puppy and would ask each child if they would help him find the puppy. Every single child fell for it. The cop never got too close to the child. He never touched them. He got each one to follow him to his car at the edge of the park. The moms were floored! It didn't occur to any of them that a potential predator would use this trick or that their kids would fall for it.

When we do scenarios, we try to include neighbors or strangers offering gifts like candy, books, or toys. We also use the lost puppy/kitty scenario. We teach the girls "safe" distance when talking to people, that an adult should never ask a child for help, and that no one not even family should put their hands on them.

 

[DevilDuckie]

Tried to post this on the Community Board, but too many people wanted to turn it into a debate rather than share information.

The question is "What do you do to protect your kids from predators?" I'm sure all of us have heard the horror stories in the news. Some of us were molested as children or know someone who was. A couple of our communities in our city are on alert. One known predator was found trying to handout comic books to kids in a nearby park. Another predator was caught in and chased out of several men's bathrooms. These are frightening situations. So, what do you do to protect your kids?

Some experts say that kids who are loners or with low self-esteem are most likely to be approached. I've enrolled my girls in karate and work on boosting their self-confidence. We discuss what to do if a stranger tries to approach them or a neighbor invites them into their house.

I'm curious to see what other parents are doing.

Quoting in case it gets deleted again...


The most important factor is reinforcement. You can never assume that your kid "knows it" and won't mess up. Talk about it when opportunities arise. Discuss situations that make you or your kid uncomfortable. As they get older, give them more information. A five year old doesn't need to know about molestation but an 11 year old probably does. There is a balance that has to be struck between sheltering them from scary information and giving them what they need.

 

[MightyMom]

I asked a question similar to this on the disabilities community board a while back but didn't get a lot of feedback.

The situation with my DS8 is a unique situation because he is physically disabled. Since the day he was born he has been poked, examined and "handled" by many people. He is a little too comfortable in that scenario.

In school he has an aid who assists him with toileting 75% of the time. The rest of the time there are several different individuals who pick up the slack.

We've been given several opportunities to send him to summer camp with the Lions Club..... I just can not send him.

I am not comfortable with a complete stranger caring for his bathing and toileting issues. It does little to reassure me that the Lion's club does extensive background checks.

Just because a person hasn't been caught doesn't mean they aren't predators..... and realistically.... there is a first time for everything.

I was severely and tramatically abused as a child. I am over protective. I am the first to admit it. I am also the first to admit this can be a fault. Given my history, I don't think it will be a easy habit to break.

So.... how do I explain to my son what is a "good touch" and a "bad touch" without making him paranoid?? Please keep in mind that his toileting issues are handled by different people depending on the situation he is in.

This is something I struggle with. My DS is a sensitive and trusting child. I don't want to scare him.... and I don't want him questioning the intentions of every person who touches him! Know what I mean?

I would appreciate any advice.

 

[bumbershoot]

MightyMom...

Just off the top of my head, and trying to get info from my head from both babysitting kids and also my semester working in an Adapted Phys Ed classroom.....

By this time I'm sure he knows the usual, normal, ways that people touch him for those purposes. Perhaps you could start it from that point of view, that he knows what is normal for the toilet, and he also knows that other sorts of medical touching are ONLY to be done at a doctor's office or hospital. Could that start you off in a good way? That while at a doctor's, he might expect to have his bottom examined and have the rest of his privates checked out during a physical, but that sort of handling is NOT appropriate in a bathroom.

 

[jenrein]

I'm not going to lie... I taught my kids to kick them in the nuts and run. They laugh about it so much that it is always in the back of their head. We do alot of situationals too, and alot of what ifs. I agree your kids need to feel confident but alert.

 

[Shagley]

My cousin is a Detective with the State Police, and he has investigated many cases of missing / kidnapped kids (and women). One thing he said to always remember is that if anyone grabs you and tries to pull you somewhere - don't just yell "help" - instead, yell (or teach your kids to yell) "THIS IS NOT MY MOM/DAD/HUSBAND" and to keep yelling that. Especially with kids, if they are being kidnapped and struggling with the kidnapper, a lot of people would just think the child was throwing a tantrum and a parent was trying to get them out of the store (also known as taking the "Walk of Shame" according to another post), but if they are yelling "this is not my Dad", people are more apt to notice and take action.

Another thing that is important is to teach your kids the difference between "surprises" and "secrets". Surprises are good things and can be kept to yourself. Secrets are bad things, and adults should NEVER ask kids to keep secrets.

 

[sndfan]

When my DS was 7 we were running thru a potential "what if" situation...such as, what would you do if a grownup you didn't know tried to put you in a car? He looked at me with a COMPLETELY blank face. He had no idea.

I told him that he was to kick, scream, hit, scratch, everything he could think of. His mouth dropped open. He said, "To a grownup????"...seems I'd been pushing the respect your elders thing a little too much!!!!!

Needless to say, we've had many conversations since. Tae Kwon Do has been an amazing experience. I'm trying to talk my sister into having my nieces take it...more for how to handle guys in high school and college than anything else!

 

[Aliceacc]

One of my closest friends just went through a messy divorce. It turns out that her husband molested her niece.

This was a close friend of ours. My kids called him uncle. We went away on vactions together, sometimes sharing a house. He was an usher at church, and had received a promotion in a well known firm, moving him cross country. (So, no, he's no longer on Long Island.) He had a son, a dog, a college degree, wore a suit and tie to work, and mowed his suburban lawn faithfuly. Any picture you have in your mind of a predator would NOT fit him.

The girl (who was probably about 13 at the time; I don't know her well) awoke to find her uncle's hand down her pajamas.

I'm not sure how it's possible to protect your kids from a situation like that. I've lost sleep over the number of times he and his wife watched my kids, and he had access to them.

I honestly can't imagine how I could have prevented them from this sort of threat. I don't think it's possible.

 

[vcgirl925]

Let's all remember that it's not the strangers we have to worry about. I'm not saying we should let our children alone with any tom, dick, or harry. But molestors tend to be people that our children trust. Coaches, boy scout leaders, pastors/priests, relatives, teachers, etc. I've read that the top three predators are Uncles, Grandfathers and fathers. I know the friends that i know that were molested were all done by people they trusted and whom their parents trusted in their care.

Honestly my kids are 4 and 2 and i don't let them have sleepovers with anyone except my fil & mil and my parents. Nor has anyone else ever watched them. My kids are allowed to talk to strangers. But they know to never go anywhere with a stranger EVER. They know (at least my 4yo) that no one but mommy, daddy, (for washing) and a doctor can touch his privates, he knows that he can talk to us no matter what.

I think the biggest thing you can do is keep an open relationship with your kids. Let them know that they can come to you for anything and that you will always have their backs. I know that's not preventative but i think it's a big thing. Also, listen to your parental instincts. If you have the teeny tiniest voice in your head that you think something is not right about a person, then avoid them. Don't wait for something to happen to realize you were right. Listen to your gut and believe in your instincts about people

 

[sha_lyn]

I just skimmed through the posts and wanted to post quickly before heading to bed


This really boils down to the after something bad happens, but we have to let our kids know that they can tell us anything. That we will still love them, and that if something bad is happening to them we can make it stop and we can find at place where they will be safe.
A friend was molested by her father for many yrs. He had her convinced of 2 things: Her mother knew all about it, that if she told anyone he would kill the entire family.

 

[dreamin_disney]

I've talked about this stuff with dd(9) and not talking to strangers, bad people could even look really nice or like a grandpa and some look scarey. If anyone ever grabs her to yell "STRANGER! STRANGER!"

well this just This just happened the other day, we were at the store and i was paying my creditcard bill. I hear her say "Her name" and i hear a man repeat the wrong name(she =has a hard name" so she repeats it. I turned around and called her. There was a reason she felt it was ok to talk to him because he had a toddler with him that he was holding. So he was asking like saying to his son her name is .....

Well I told her never to do that again, even if i'm standing there. I told her just walk away quick and stand by me or call my name. I told her some weirdos use other kids or animals to get kids to go with them. Like the lost puppy.


I even talk about family and friends. ANyone can do bad things. Theres one weirdo family friend on df side (he's dating df uncles fiance) And my dd doesnt like him and she said he gives her the creep and he sure is. I told her that feeling she feels she needs to listen to it. But sometimes weirdos can be really nice and friendly and will acidently touch a body part they shouldnt and even if it an accident she needs to say dont touch me there, so they know she will tell(saw it on tv grooming) and i told her some may even tickle no boys or men should ever tickle her either.

No matter how much i tell her I just hope she never comes across a bad unsafe situtation.

 

[JodyLynC]

MightyMom...

Just off the top of my head, and trying to get info from my head from both babysitting kids and also my semester working in an Adapted Phys Ed classroom.....

By this time I'm sure he knows the usual, normal, ways that people touch him for those purposes. Perhaps you could start it from that point of view, that he knows what is normal for the toilet, and he also knows that other sorts of medical touching are ONLY to be done at a doctor's office or hospital. Could that start you off in a good way? That while at a doctor's, he might expect to have his bottom examined and have the rest of his privates checked out during a physical, but that sort of handling is NOT appropriate in a bathroom.

This is great advice!!