Problem With My Daughter, WWYD?

[DVC Sadie]

I don't see how the poster is showing favoritism towards her son since she sees her daughter and her children quite frequently. It seems as if she rarely gets time to spend with her son and his kids. The way I see it is that the grandmother wants to be able to enjoy all of her grandchildren when given the opportunity.

Just because she says she is unable to watch all of them in the same time frame does not make her evil or a bad grandmother. I just wish other people knew their limitations so we didn't have to read about accidents happening.

 

[JessicaR]

Her daughter asked for one day of three. Grandma offered two days. She reserved ONE of the THREE days for her other grandchildren. HOW is that wrong?

 

[worm761]

Here is what I think....DD asked for ONE of three days. Which one can she do? She offered to watch for two of the days but not the one. Now DD is pissy. If DD wanted OP to watch on a specific day then that is what she should have asked for. It doesn't matter why OP chose the other two days. If DD asked for only one of three then she obviously had other options. If she NEEDED all three days or one specific one then she should have asked for all of them or the specific day she needed. Instead DD has decided that mom should do what DD wants her to but is being rather passive aggressive about it.

And the OP should not be made to feel bad because she wants to see her grandchild from son. Just speculation here but maybe the child's mother is not open to OP getting him unless it is thru the son. Some women choose not to foster a relationship with the grandparents. Sad but true.

 

[wdwfan16]

Concerning household expenses, my son had his own house up until September 7th when he started his training. He was renting and knew he would not be home often so gave the house up. He is not married, so no wife at home. He is divorced from his first wife, and ended the relationship with his second girlfriend. So he gets his kids when he is home, which looks like it's going to be about once a month.

He said he would take them to a hotel. I told him that's nonsense. Our home is still "his" home and I told him (after discussing it with DH) that he is more than welcome to stay here when he is "home" and his kids are welcome here as well.

He was gone from September 7th until October 29th. His first visit "home" was the weekend of October 29th. He and his youngest son were here for 3 nights, the older two kids were here a couple of times during the day but had evening plans so they did not stay.
So, no, he hasn't helped with household expenses and I won't expect him to, coming "home" that seldom.

No, both my daughter and son belong to me and DH, they do not have separate fathers. I didn't think, should have clarified that.

I know our son will want to have his children here when he comes home for the weekend, but the 4-year-old is really too young to go hunting for deer. His two oldest children will want to go hunting, so their Dad will want to take them.

I have babysat for his 4-year-old twice, yes TWICE, in his entire life. I have babysat for my daughter's two children countless times. I guess I just feel that since I babysit so much for my daughter, it would be nice if I could help my son out since he asks so seldom. And I just really do not want all 3 younger ones here at once, I will have no sanity at the end of the day if I do.

As far as the cooking goes, it's something I don't mind doing. I would not expect him to order pizza for him and his kids.

Except for the last 2.5 months her son has not been out of town yet she only watched her grandson 2 times. Why? The son lived in town but was never married to the boys mom. Thus whenever the son did not have him his mother did. How is this the DD's problem? I am sure she spent many days, as in the bold above, with this GS and her son but just not as a babysitter. She just had the 4 year old at her home last weekend and will have him for the entire Thanksgiving weekend.

 

[Allison]

Her son did not ask for her help. She assumed. Her daughter did ask for help, which is denied.

And? Why is the OP obligated to be available every day her daughter asks her to be?

I'm flabbergasted people are giving the OP a hard time. She is helping her 2 out 3 days and has let her know she isn't available the 3rd day. It doesn't really matter why she can't do it the 3rd day. She has the right not to be available every day she is asked.

 

[2girlsmom]

OP, I have read through the whole thread, and I guess I am on the fence. Here are my thoughts.
1) It is PERFECTLY OKAY to say no to your dd (I do think that there may be a type where the OP said her dd asked for one of those days, I expect the dd asked for all 3). Where I will agree you went wrong was EXPLAINING WHY you were saying no.

2) The mentioned unneccessary explanation as to WHY OP wouldn't watch dd's children is where OP went wrong, as dd DOES have a valid (though probably not true) view that this explanation shows favoritism for brother's needs/wants over her own. I am definitely NOT saying that OP truly does favor ds, but just that the explanation could obviously be read that way, and probably is by the dd.

OP, if you can't/don't want to watch the children, just say no. It is not your responsibility to watch anyone's children. I really do think the place you went wrong was to explain to dd your reasoning, she didn't need to know your reasons and I think would be better off not to.

 

[Nancyg56]

Why should the son have to find a sitter? Mom wants to watch his kid.

I see nothing wrong with the son taking the older kids out for a few hours while little one enjoys time with Grandma. Most of the hunters I know our up and out at dawn and back around lunch. They are talking about hunting one day out of the entire long weekend.

MTE. Mom wants to watch the children. That is her perogative

Wow. The speculation and actual verbalizing of these thoughts is astounding.

The poster that said grandparents babysitting is a GIFT, not mandatory is exactly how I feel too. Op-er goes above and beyond and she seems to be a genuinely wonderful grandparent.

There is so much speculation in this thread and its crazy.

That was me and I am also appalled that Mom saying No for one day is a terrible thing. I must be the worst Nana, I have been known to say "no" too.

I didn't get that impression at all.

A grandparent is allowed to say no, for whatever reason. Her son is gone a lot, she doesn't get to spend much time with his kids, she wants to spend time with a 4 year old instead of a whatever year old, it doesn't matter.


The daughter is a grown, working woman. She's GOT to have alternatives. I'm assuming that her usual person has taken off that day as a holiday. She should have more alternatives than just her mom.


As for those who thinks a mother of grown children can't cook for them without it being enabling....bleah! My mom loved cooking for her grown children, and if she'd lived to meet her grandson she would have made me sit the heck down and relax while she made food for us!!!!!

Some people just don't know how lucky they are, dagnabit (approaching 10 years since mom's diagnosis which did not cause, but led to, her death, I'm a bit sensitive...).

 

[RadioNate]

exactly, the no alone isn't the problem and likely NOT why the DD is upset. It is the reason behind the no. The no, just in case the DS needs the op to sit his child. If that was a set in stone commitment that he asked for, I'd be more sympathetic. But it's not and that is why I think the DD is upset.

OP, I have read through the whole thread, and I guess I am on the fence. Here are my thoughts.
1) It is PERFECTLY OKAY to say no to your dd (I do think that there may be a type where the OP said her dd asked for one of those days, I expect the dd asked for all 3). Where I will agree you went wrong was EXPLAINING WHY you were saying no.

2) The mentioned unneccessary explanation as to WHY OP wouldn't watch dd's children is where OP went wrong, as dd DOES have a valid (though probably not true) view that this explanation shows favoritism for brother's needs/wants over her own. I am definitely NOT saying that OP truly does favor ds, but just that the explanation could obviously be read that way, and probably is by the dd.

OP, if you can't/don't want to watch the children, just say no. It is not your responsibility to watch anyone's children. I really do think the place you went wrong was to explain to dd your reasoning, she didn't need to know your reasons and I think would be better off not to.

 

[LoraJ]

And? Why is the OP obligated to be available every day her daughter asks her to be?

I'm flabbergasted people are giving the OP a hard time. She is helping her 2 out 3 days and has let her know she isn't available the 3rd day. It doesn't really matter why she can't do it the 3rd day. She has the right not to be available every day she is asked.

I agree.
The daughter chose to have children and work. How is that the OP's problem?

 

[Planogirl]

To some people, hunting with their kids is virtually a necessity. My brother in law does this and they all get their turn when they get old enough.

So who expressed a need for a babysitter first? I'm not clear on that. Either way, the daughter apparently asked her Mom to babysit one day out of three and the OP offered to do so for two. It sounds like the daughter didn't ask the right question plus she seems to be taking the OP for granted.

I think that some people are being awfully harsh without even knowing the family dynamics. I'm on the OP's side mainly because she sounds like a nice person so I doubt that she'd be mean to her daughter like so many seem to think.

 

[PaddingtonBear]

I don't think any of us have enough information to form a solid judgement. Based on what I've seen of family dynamics among friend's families- I'd say that the scenario is really one of two things, either:

a) Daughter and Son have a longstanding resentments about who Mom is more there for. Perhaps dd has done everything right in her life while DS has been a screw up. Perhaps DD has watched mom rush to DS's rescue every time and resents the favoritism. Maybe its nothing that dramatic. Maybe DS was just the "golden child" that mom felt closer to and favored. Maybe DS has always taken advantage of Mom's good nature between wives and live in girlfriends and his jobs, and DD resents that. Who knows? The point is there is some long standing resentment there for whatever reason and thats why DD is feeling slighted that OP is catering to her son's probable wants rather than to her daughter's need.

- or -

b) DD is the type of person that feels entitled to help. When thing don't go her way its always everyone else's fault. When she isn't catered to and coddeled she feels slighted and demands that mom give in. Mom has been a total wuss about drawing boundaries so the daughter is unused to the word "no" and can't undertand now why, whine whine whine, her brother is always the favorite. Cry whine cry.

Which it is? There isn't enough information here to tell. Maybe its both. Maybe daughter thinks is scenario a and mom thinks its scenario b. In any case there are two things I know for sure:

1. OP, your time is YOUR time. You don't OWE it to anyone. Whatever choices you make, own them. You don't need to feel like you have to watch all three kids, its perfectly fine that you don't feel up to that. I am a working mom and we don't have any back up. Its scary flying without a net, but that's what we signed up for when we had kids.

that said...

2. What if the scenarios were reveresed? Its DS's weekend to have the kids and he finds out he's going to have to work one of the days he's at OPs house with the kids. She tells him, sorry, I can't help becuase DD MIGHT go to her scrapbooking (ok, whatever, its an example) meet and I will need to be available if she wants to scrapbook. Sorry, DS, out of luck, find someone else.

IMO, its kinda cold to cover for one child's hobby instead of another child's need.

So, OP, here's what I think. Call you DD and talk to her. If she's really feeling like her brother is favored, that's probably a conversation you need to have. If she's just feeling like an entitled brat, that's DEFINATELY a conversation you need to have.

IMO, "I want to spend time with grandchild X who is rarely here" is a perfectly fine and acceptable reason for choosing one over the other, but I think it behooves you as a parent to make sure your daughter understands where you are coming from- AND that you understand where she is coming from.

Sheesh, am I ever glad I get along with all the gramma in our family!

 

[Planogirl]

Another thing, hunting can sometimes involve great expense. It's possible that the son has spent quite a bit of money to hunt on this day so that could be a factor too. Yes, he should have asked long ago if he didn't.

 

[mjkacmom]

To So who expressed a need for a babysitter first? I'm not clear on that. .

Only her dd asked for babysitting - she said no, just in case her ds asks her. He does sound a bit like a mama's boy to me. We have a lot of them here (very Italian area - my mom's neighbor was horrified my mom didn't cook my dad a hot LUNCH everyday). Not doing them many favors, as it's hard for men today to find wives who are going to do everything for them (I got this from the OP when she said she couldn't watch 3 kids and cook lunch and dinner for her ds and his kids, and he shouldn't have to go to a restaurant - OP, to keep the peace, couldn't your ds cook for himself and his kids?

Someone mentioned that hunting is a morning sport, and it sounds like it if he's home for lunch. A few hours shouldn't be that hard - I assume the 10 month old takes a morning nap for a couple of hours.

In many families here, the sons are put ahead of the daughters, are not expected to cook, clean, or do laundry - pretty much pampered. I have 2 gf's who's DH's are like that, but since they are Cuban, they're used to it (according to them). I remember when my gf was hospitalized - he was helpless, and needed help with everything regarding the children. His mom didn't do him any favors in raising him like that.

 

[okeydokey]

Well you offered to cover two of the three days she needs. You have done more than enough. Sounds like the dd expects the OP to be there every time she needs her and sometimes that is not possible. This time, she can't help out all three days. DD needs to make other arrangements and the OP should not feel bad at all. No grandparent OWES any babysitting to anybody.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I agree.
The daughter chose to have children and work. How is that the OP's problem?

I could say the same for the son and his 3 kids.

Another thing, hunting can sometimes involve great expense. It's possible that the son has spent quite a bit of money to hunt on this day so that could be a factor too. Yes, he should have asked long ago if he didn't.

Then he shouldn't have made plans and spent money without having a babysitter. After all, doesn't sound like OP has discussed this with him. She's ASSUMING he'll need her. And again, if he's such a good dad, and he's only in town for a limited period of time, why is he not spending it with all his kids? And why not leave the son with his son's mom, instead of letting him see him leaving with his other two children? Don't you think it will make the kid feel bad to be basically dropped off at grandma's house (who it sounds like he may not know well at all) while dad goes out and spends time with his other kids?

 

[Lucky4me]

Ohboy, she's used to you saying yes, not no.
Tell her you told your son you'd be there to watch his four year old before she asked you to watch her two kids. It may be an on call situation, but so what. You were previously committed. She doesn't like it, her problem.
You're a good Mom and Grandma and believe me, she'll get over it. Probably as soon as the next time she needs you to babysit. Good babysitters are hard to come by, free ones, impossible!

 

[MIGrandma]

Oh my goodness, OP here...Wow, I was out all day (you know, grocery shopping, banking, the weekly Wal-Mart trip, yada yada ) and got home awhile ago. Came on to check for responses and I had a PM from someone, warning me how nasty the thread was getting. I just now finished reading all of the responses so I did want to come back and clarify a few things.

I do have "thick skin" so the nastiness isn't getting to me. I do want to thank EVERYONE for their responses, whether they were nice or not. I thank those who offered support, and I thank those who did not. I knew, when I started this thread, that I could get a variety of responses, so I was prepared for it.

Some people were wondering about when I said I babysit for my DD "all the time", and that if she has a full time sitter how can that be? Well, the regular sitter is of the Mennonite faith and does not want to babysit on Sundays. So then my DD's mother-in-law and I take turns having the kids on those days that my DD has to work. I also babysit when the regular sitter has a dental appointment, or doctor's appointment or just can't have the kids for whatever reason (a reason is not always given). So those are the times I babysit for my DD's two children when she is working.

I babysit other times as well, because as I said my DD lives just a quarter mile down the road. When my DD was going for her pre-natal visits before her DD was born, I babysat my grandson so they didn't have to take him along. I babysit when my daughter and her DH want to go to dinner and a movie. I had the kids overnight in June when DD and her DH were in a wedding and got a hotel room for the night. I babysit if my DD has a dental appointment and her DH is working. Etc. etc. etc.

And, to prove I'm not the "mean grandma" that some of you think I am....I even call my DD sometimes to ASK if the grandkids can come down for a few hours, to give DD some time to herself. I did this quite often when DD was pregnant with her DD and still working. She'd pick the kids up from the regular sitter's, then bring them to my house and go home for a few hours.

So, I feel that I DO babysit for her often. MOST times I am more than happy to help out. I rarely tell her no. And THIS time she said she needed a sitter for Nov. 27th, Dec. 1st and 2nd (yes, I realize that I put Nov. instead in my original post, but ya'll knew what I meant ) and she said "could you watch them ONE of those days?" I gave her TWO days, as I said I would be happy to have them Dec. 1st and 2nd, but not Nov. 27th.

But I agree with the poster who said my mistake was in telling her WHY I didn't want them that ONE day. In hindsight I should have just said "I can't do it on the 27th because I have other plans." Yup, definitely my mistake on that. That is what I will do from now on, since my "reason" for not wanting them on the 27th upset her.

Someone wanted to know why I don't have my other grandson, except when my son has him. When the baby's mother and my son broke up, it was very bitter. Extremely bitter. And she used me to try to get to my son. It still hurts to this day that she used me. So I no longer have anything to do with her, so we only see our grandson when our son has him.

Some said my son WANTS to go deer hunting, it is not a NEED. Well, those of you that are not familiar with deer hunting don't know anything about it. The deer anyone in my family gets, gets eaten at the dinner table all winter long. If my son, or either of his two older children, get a deer when he is home for his visit Thanksgiving weekend it will be given to the older two children's family, my DS's ex-wife. His ex-wife has 5 children to feed, so any deer that is gotten will be welcomed. So, no, it is not a WANT to go hunting...except for in the way of WANTING to put food on the table.

And I do not begrudge him spending the daylight hours of ONE day that he is home, taking his two older children out hunting. Like I said, people who don't hunt, or have hunters in their family, just don't understand.

Some said my son should stay home and watch his own kids, someone said maybe he's a mama's boy, etc. My son is 33 years old. Yes, he was 17 when his oldest daughter was born. He did not turn his back on his responsibilities. He quit football in school so he could get a part-time job to help with expenses. He was in the delivery room when his DD was born and he has been a "hands on Dad" ever since. He was young when he married his baby's mother, they lasted 5 years. His marriage is not the only one to fail. But he and his ex-wife worked out their own custody agreement, and my son has been very active in his kids' lives. And he has been active in his youngest son's life, since having to go to court for his rights to see him and spend time with him. He has worked since he was 14 years old, he has a wonderful work ethic. And no, he's not a "mama's boy." He has been on his own since getting married at 18.

And one more thing, the mother of his youngest son spent 10 months in jail for forging her sister's name on a loan. SHE had a son at that time (they didn't have their son together yet) and who took care of that boy while she was in jail? MY son. Full time. Only had a sitter when he was working, but for 10 months he had that boy nights and weekends. He could have had his girlfriend's mother take him, but he did not.

Okay, I'm bowing out. Like I said, I appreciate all the responses and I thank those who offered support. And those who didn't I respect your opinions anyway.

 

[LoraJ]

OP, you seem like a wonderful grandmother. You really do not need to explain yourself. I think some people are letting their own sibling rivalries get in the way of logic.

 

[Nancyg56]

OP, you seem like a wonderful grandmother. You really do not need to explain yourself. I think some people are letting their own sibling rivalries get in the way of logic.

 

[JessicaR]

OP, you seem like a wonderful grandmother. You really do not need to explain yourself. I think some people are letting their own sibling rivalries get in the way of logic.

I agree!