Problem With My Daughter, WWYD?

[PaulaSB12]

Sounds to me like mom has already made it abundantly clear that her son takes priority over her daughter, for whatever reasons.

The mother baby sits for the daughter most of the time one day she babysits for her son how is that taking priority over the sister? From what I can see from some of the answers she is only allowed to baby sit for one member of the family.

 

[Crystal0608]

I'm going to have to side with your dd on this one. She asked for 3 days that her sitter is unavailable so that she can WORK. You are assuming your son wants you to watch his 4 year old who he hasn't seen in a month so he can deer hunt. IMO, the need would take priority over the want and it sounds like your ds takes priority over your dd, just based on what I've read.

If your dd does work and have a sitter, how often do you have to babysit her kids? I don't think I saw that posted. Since your house isn't childproofed, another solution is watch your dd's kids at her house and bring your ds's son with you.

 

[RadioNate]

The mother baby sits for the daughter most of the time one day she babysits for her son how is that taking priority over the sister? From what I can see from some of the answers she is only allowed to baby sit for one member of the family.

She didn't say 'most of the time' she said 'fairly regularly' and then said that the DD had a regular sitter. So if she has a regular sitter, 'fairly regularly' isn't "most of the time."

Listen, the OP doesn't have to sit for the daughter. She can choose not too. But at the same time, she can't be upset, if her DD is upset by her decision. KWIM. The OP does have a choice. Absolutely. But she also has to accept the consequences if her daughter is upset by her choice.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

The mother baby sits for the daughter most of the time one day she babysits for her son how is that taking priority over the sister? From what I can see from some of the answers she is only allowed to baby sit for one member of the family.

I'm going to have to side with your dd on this one. She asked for 3 days that her sitter is unavailable so that she can WORK. You are assuming your son wants you to watch his 4 year old who he hasn't seen in a month so he can deer hunt. IMO, the need would take priority over the want and it sounds like your ds takes priority over your dd, just based on what I've read.

If your dd does work and have a sitter, how often do you have to babysit her kids? I don't think I saw that posted. Since your house isn't childproofed, another solution is watch your dd's kids at her house and bring your ds's son with you.

Paula, my answers are pretty well contained in Crystal's response. And to add, when mom needs something, who does she usually rely on? Her son who disappears for weeks or months at a time, or her daughter, who's right down the road?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Wow. The speculation and actual verbalizing of these thoughts is astounding.

The poster that said grandparents babysitting is a GIFT, not mandatory is exactly how I feel too. Op-er goes above and beyond and she seems to be a genuinely wonderful grandparent.

There is so much speculation in this thread and its crazy.

Yeah like...what is OP's definition of "babysits ALL THE TIME" given that her daughter has a FT babysitter?

One of those cases where I'd love to know the entire story as I feel much is being deliberately left out.

(Funny that the OP left out that her dd and sil are working and already have a FT babysitter who was unavailable...why leave that out? It's getting tougher to side with OP when it seems she embellished dd's greediness.)

 

[JessicaR]

and the OP is speculation and assuming just as much. She assumes that the DS will want her to sit.

And I said, several times, that I certainly didn't know the OPs situation.

I know how my mom my feels about my inlaws and how my MIL feels about one of her siblings ... and thought that MIGHT (as I said) be a perspective that the OP's daughter has.

No where did I say it was true.

But just like I don't know, you don't either.

Since the situation pertains to the op-er and not us I feel its her perogitive to speculate all she likes. She is closer to the truth.

I know you didn't say it was true hence the word, speculate. The part I am baffled at his how your brain drove there in the first place. I guess like you said you draw from your own experiences.

I just think Grandma should not feel bad for making the choices she has. She is a more hands on Grandma than most based on her posts. I just can't figure out why some are so harsh towards her.

 

[bumbershoot]

With all due respect, I feel the OP has mislead us to believe she is being taken advantage of.

But when someone has a full time babysitter and needs help and she favors a child who wants to go hunting--something is wrong with that picture.

I didn't get that impression at all.

A grandparent is allowed to say no, for whatever reason. Her son is gone a lot, she doesn't get to spend much time with his kids, she wants to spend time with a 4 year old instead of a whatever year old, it doesn't matter.

Heck, I don't have ANY grandparents to watch my son, and even I can see that! I've got one dad who is crazy and who knows what he might tell my son or what project he might start (rebuilding an engine comes to mind) while watching DS. My MIL hits grandchildren; we have let her watch him once, and she had visitors who freaked out my son and we left our event early to pick him up. My mom, who would have been a perfect grandmother, died when she was 55. And my FIL, who was a junky husband and bad father, was a good grandfather, and he is dead, too.

But if any of them were around and sane enough to watch DS, but they chose to watch his cousins instead for whatever reason, I would be OK with it!


The daughter is a grown, working woman. She's GOT to have alternatives. I'm assuming that her usual person has taken off that day as a holiday. She should have more alternatives than just her mom.


As for those who thinks a mother of grown children can't cook for them without it being enabling....bleah! My mom loved cooking for her grown children, and if she'd lived to meet her grandson she would have made me sit the heck down and relax while she made food for us!!!!!

Some people just don't know how lucky they are, dagnabit (approaching 10 years since mom's diagnosis which did not cause, but led to, her death, I'm a bit sensitive...).

 

[JessicaR]

I'm going to have to side with your dd on this one. She asked for 3 days that her sitter is unavailable so that she can WORK. You are assuming your son wants you to watch his 4 year old who he hasn't seen in a month so he can deer hunt. IMO, the need would take priority over the want and it sounds like your ds takes priority over your dd, just based on what I've read.

If your dd does work and have a sitter, how often do you have to babysit her kids? I don't think I saw that posted. Since your house isn't childproofed, another solution is watch your dd's kids at her house and bring your ds's son with you.

No, she asked for one day and was offered two. Big difference.

"She needs a babysitter for the 27th (day after Thanksgiving), and Nov. 1st and 2nd and asked if I could watch them one of those days"

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Since the situation pertains to the op-er and not us I feel its her perogitive to speculate all she likes. She is closer to the truth.

I know you didn't say it was true hence the word, speculate. The part I am baffled at his how your brain drove there in the first place. I guess like you said you draw from your own experiences.

I just think Grandma should not feel bad for making the choices she has. She is a more hands on Grandma than most based on her posts. I just can't figure out why some are so harsh towards her.

Because she turned her back on her daughter when her daughter needed her, on the off chance her son might. Maybe an alternative would be to speak to her son first, find out his plans, then respond to her daughter. Or else just say no, I don't want to, and not use the son's kids as an excuse. Just a thought.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Paula, my answers are pretty well contained in Crystal's response. And to add, when mom needs something, who does she usually rely on? Her son who disappears for weeks or months at a time, or her daughter, who's right down the road?

She has TWO children you are all acting as though she should behave like she has only her daughter, it doesn't matter if she wants to keep her time for her son to go to the movies whatever the daughter should not expect her mother to drop what her plans to fit in with hers after all her daughter is also grown up. She hasn't turned her back on her daughter (an overly dramatic thing to say) she may be busy on one day. I assume when this daughter has grandchildren she will never make any plans or go anywhere or do anything without her children's approval because she is of course only on the planet for the benefit of her children and couldn't possible have a life of her own.

 

[RadioNate]

Since the situation pertains to the op-er and not us I feel its her perogitive to speculate all she likes. She is closer to the truth.

I know you didn't say it was true hence the word, speculate. The part I am baffled at his how your brain drove there in the first place. I guess like you said you draw from your own experiences.

I just think Grandma should not feel bad for making the choices she has. She is a more hands on Grandma than most based on her posts. I just can't figure out why some are so harsh towards her.

Actually, that is what I first thought of when I read the OP. I waited a long time to actually say it.

I'm not being harsh, not really, but it does appear (to me) that she favor's her son. That is all.

She can say no to her DD all she wants, she in no way has to accommodate her. But then she can't be all bothered if her DD is upset.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

No, she asked for one day and was offered two. Big difference.

"She needs a babysitter for the 27th (day after Thanksgiving), and Nov. 1st and 2nd and asked if I could watch them one of those days"

So you're going to stick with that being an accurate choice of words, even though it says Nov. 1 and 2?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

No, she asked for one day and was offered two. Big difference.

"She needs a babysitter for the 27th (day after Thanksgiving), and Nov. 1st and 2nd and asked if I could watch them one of those days"

I'm still stuck on how she watches them fairly often when her dd has a FT babysitter.

And the fact that she omitted those points in her OP and why she didn't disclose that her daughter was working while she wanted to let her son go hunting.

If that's being mean to the OP, I apologize--it isn't meant to be.

She certainly is entitled to say no, however I think she wants to manipulate support by making it seem that she does so much for her daughter and her daughter is just greedy about it and has no right to be upset.

I do not have the privilege of local grandparents watching my kids whenever I need and I have one grandparent who has stated on more than one occasion that she has already raised her children and only in an emergent need would she step up to the plate. Other than that, she's off limits. No biggie. I can deal.

I also have a mother who gets manipulated by one of her children (not me) in an effort to play favorites, so I will admit that I am sensitive to even a hint of that from any parent with any child when they deliberately omit information so as to encourage a particular response from those they are seeking validation.

 

[JessicaR]

Yeah like...what is OP's definition of "babysits ALL THE TIME" given that her daughter has a FT babysitter?

One of those cases where I'd love to know the entire story as I feel much is being deliberately left out.

(Funny that the OP left out that her dd and sil are working and already have a FT babysitter who was unavailable...why leave that out? It's getting tougher to side with OP when it seems she embellished dd's greediness.)

If a person states they babysit numerous times for one child, and few times for their other child, is that really confusing to you?

Why would she deliberately leave info out? Or why would you think that? Embellished greediness? I must be reading a different thread.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

So you're going to stick with that being an accurate choice of words, even though it says Nov. 1 and 2?

Bah--maybe DD is just poor at grammar and didn't know to use "or".

 

[PrincessKsMom]

She has TWO children you are all acting as though she should behave like she has only her daughter, it doesn't matter if she wants to keep her time for her son to go to the movies whatever the daughter should not expect her mother to drop what her plans to fit in with hers after all her daughter is also grown up. She hasn't turned her back on her daughter (an overly dramatic thing to say) she may be busy on one day. I assume when this daughter has grandchildren she will never make any plans or go anywhere or do anything without her children's approval because they are of course only on the planet for their benifit.

The son is the one who only shows up occasionally; the daughter asked for help; the son never said a word about needing OP. She just assumes he will. Her daughter needs help, she doesn't even know if her son does. Yes, that's turning your back. And all this talk of not spending time with the 4 year old. Why? Why hasn't OP? She's only allowed to see him when his dad's in town? If it's so important, I would assume there would have been a way for her to see him and spend time with him.

Don't wear the martyr cloak if you're not willing to be persecuted.

 

[JessicaR]

So you're going to stick with that being an accurate choice of words, even though it says Nov. 1 and 2?

They are HER words thats why I quoted if I changed them to the correct December dates that we ALL know was a typo it wouldnt be her quote anymore.

 

[Heidict]

She needs a sitter because she and her husband both work. She needs a sitter for the 27th, Nov. 1st and 2nd because her regular sitter will be on vacation, and the sitter's mother did not want to babysit on her own (the sitter still lives with her parents). But I said I would be happy to have them on the 1st and 2nd, so it's not like I won't watch them at all for her. She can find someone else for the 27th. She could ask her aunt, or her DH's Mom (she's a teacher so will have the day off for Thanksgiving break) or she could ask her DH's youngest brother. She also said her DH has a friend at work who might be able to watch them. So she does have other options.

Sounds like you DD has found herself in the exact same situation that my DH and I have found ourselves in from time to time. Regular babysitter can't be there, so we scramble to find someone else. Sometimes they can, sometimes they can't. You know what, you DD is just going to have to do what I and my DH have had to do a few times in the past.

CALL OUT!!! It's as simple as that. I'm the mother, if there is no one availble to watch my child, then I do it. Yeah, it sucks when the grandparent that i'm asking can't do it, regardless if I think that there excuse is lame or not, but it's my child to take care of not theirs. Therefore, I am the one who has to make the sacrifice and take care of her.

I don't understand how it has become the OP's responsibility to take care of her grandchildren at the demand of her DD? It is not her responsibility.

Then I think you are doing something crappy to her just so that your son can do something fun with his spare time.

I'm sure she could ask many people--but you are leaving her high and dry after making it sound like she takes advantage of you.

With more details, I could see why she is upset and am surprised that you don't have a clue as to why.

I'm not saying you have to watch her, it is your ambivilance to her NEED compared to your sons WANT that bugs me.

Why is it the OP's responsibility to bend over backwards to accomodate her DD? How is that crappy? If she can't do it, she can't do it. Her daughter needs to grow up and be a mother here. Sometimes that means calling out because you actually have to take care of your child because no one else is available.

Sounds to me like mom has already made it abundantly clear that her son takes priority over her daughter, for whatever reasons.

Oh please. Because she won't give in to her DD and watch her children, when she has clearly said she is unable to, she is favoring her son? That is really stretching the story.

If that was the case then I guess all those other times she has watched her DD's children.............she was what? Being the evil mother people are making her out to be?

The son DID find a sitter for the younger son. His grandmother. His grandmother whom it sounds like is looking very forward to keeping her grandson whom she's only kept a few times. I sure don't see a problem with the son taking his older children deer hunting for a few hours and leaving his younger son with grandma. Deer hunting only happens a few weeks each year, and people who hunt really enjoy it. I would imagine after two months in a truck on the road, the father is very much looking forward to a hunting trip with his older children. I think it's a very good bonding experience for them. No doubt he'll be taking the younger son hunting too when he is a little older. He'll be home from the hunt before dark and have all evening to enjoy with the younger son, plus possibly a mid day break if they don't hunt too far from grandma's house.

Michigan GM. Don't let everyone get you down.

I totally agree. His going out with the older kids to go hunting is a great bonding experience. They will cherish it when they are older.

And I really believe that unless you were raised either in a community or family that were big dear hunters you just don't understand the major importance that it is.

So she likes the idea of spending time with her daughter and daughter's children until something better comes along? Son decides to flit in and out of people's lives as his convenience and everyone should drop everything because he's in town? Maybe part of the problem is OP is still mothering her adult son.

Flit in and out of peoples lives? Are you serious? It's called a job. My lord, you make it sound like he is some deadbeat living on the beach and that he wanders home to have his laundry done every once in awhile. Gheesh. I guess it would be better if he didn't work and just stayed at home, and sucked off the state or something?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

If a person states they babysit numerous times for one child, and few times for their other child, is that really confusing to you?

Why would she deliberately leave info out? Or why would you think that? Embellished greediness? I must be reading a different thread.

Must be confusing to other people since not everyone is siding with the OP.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

My daughter and her family live about a quarter mile down the road. She has a 4-year-old son, and a 10-month-old daughter. I babysit fairly often, rarely tell her no, I can't.

She needs a babysitter for the 27th (day after Thanksgiving), and Nov. 1st and 2nd and asked if I could watch them one of those days (she asked via Facebook, we talk back and forth a lot on that).

I sent her a message back and told her I didn't want to commit to the 27th, as our son is a truck-driver and will be home that weekend for Thanksgiving. He stays here with us (let his rental house go, why pay rent when he's not there most of the time?) and he has his kids (2 from 1st marriage, ages 16 and 13, and his 4-year-old son from a different relationship) when he's home too. I told my DD that her brother would be here, and would probably have his kids here. He might want to take the two oldest ones out hunting, so they would probably be in and out all day. And I would probably be watching his youngest son. I really don't want three little ones for the afternoon/evening that day. When the two little boys get together they are pretty rambunctious. It doesn't bother me when their parents are here to watch them. But to watch them myself and the 10-month-old as well, I would lose my sanity for sure.

So I told her no for the 27th, but I would be happy to have them on the 1st or 2nd, or both if she needed me.

She got quite upset with me, and said she feels like I won't help her out because I have to be available in case my son needs me to babysit.

I answered her and tried to explain that having the 3 little ones would just drive me NUTS, and I would need to be cooking lunch and dinner for my son and his kids and since my house is not "baby proofed" like hers is I would have to be watching the youngest very carefully and it would just be too difficult. If DH could be in the house, to help me, I would not have told her no. But he will still be in corn harvest.

But she just doesn't seem to understand. It bothers me that she's upset with me, but I really don't know what I can do. WWYD?

Her son did not ask for her help. She assumed. Her daughter did ask for help, which is denied.