Problem With My Daughter, WWYD?

[MIGrandma]

Here is my question: Does your DD NEED a babysitter or does she WANT a babysitter? there is a difference. If she needs a sitter on the 27th and cannot find someone else to do it, then I would watch her kids and DS can go hunt another day. And I understand the truck driver schedule. My father lives with me for the same reason your son lives with you. He drives truck, no sense in paying bills for about 3 days of use a month.

If your DD only needs you to watch the kids on one day then that day might be the 27th. She only asked you to commit to one day. Ask her which one she needs the most. Bet her answer changes.

She needs a sitter because she and her husband both work. She needs a sitter for the 27th, Nov. 1st and 2nd because her regular sitter will be on vacation, and the sitter's mother did not want to babysit on her own (the sitter still lives with her parents). But I said I would be happy to have them on the 1st and 2nd, so it's not like I won't watch them at all for her. She can find someone else for the 27th. She could ask her aunt, or her DH's Mom (she's a teacher so will have the day off for Thanksgiving break) or she could ask her DH's youngest brother. She also said her DH has a friend at work who might be able to watch them. So she does have other options.

 

[EthansMom]

You need to have boundaries and stick to them. Your daughter doesn't have to like those boundaries, but you are well within your rights to set them.

I would be willing to bet that, since you watch your daughter's children quite often, she isn't accustomed to you saying "No". Although she was asking you to watch the children on one of three days, she probably already had an plan in her head of what she wanted to do on those days, with you watching the kids on all three days. Your saying "No" upset her plans. And the fact that it was because you plan to *maybe* watch your son's children will make her jealous.

The reality is that there is nothing wrong with you making plans for YOUR time... whether those plans include watching your son's children or twiddling your thumbs. You aren't responsible for your daughter's feelings. If she is upset at you for saying "No" then that is within her.

(My MIL has these kinds of issues fairly often with my SIL. She's had to work pretty hard at setting reasonable limits and boundaries. It's hard for her to not get emotional when SIL gets upset at being told "No" but after months of sticking to her boundaries, MIL seems to be happier with her side of the situation.)

Good Luck!

 

[MIGrandma]

You lost me at the part where you'll be cooking lunch and dinner for your son and his kids.

I don't know, I think your grown son should be living on his own. He should be taking care of himself and his kids.

I guess I can relate to your daughter.

Maybe you didn't read my entire post. My son recently became a truck driver. He is not married. He gets his kids (2 from his first wife, and 1 from a live-in relationship) when he comes home, which looks like it will be once a month for 3 nights at a time.

He was renting a house but decided to let it go. Why be paying monthly rent, heat, electricity, etc. for 3 days a month? With our Michigan winters heat is very expensive. And rent is too. He would be shelling out about $1,000/month to live there for 3 days. I completely understand why he wanted to give the house up.

So I told him he can stay here, with his kids, when he is home to visit. I don't expect him to take his kids to restaurants to eat, so I will cook for them. I don't mind. He is my son, and his kids are my grandkids.

 

[MIGrandma]

I can see your daughter point, Is there anyway you could watch both set of grandkids

No, not and keep my sanity at the same time!!

I don't know if it's because I'm getting old (I'm 52) or what, but I really don't want all 3 kids at once. I would go completely nuts.

For example: I have a game called Lucky Ducks, that I bought when my oldest grandchild (she is 16) was 3 years old. It is an extremely noisy game but I played it with her many, many times. But that was 13 years ago. Fast forward to now, with my daughter's 4-year-old boy. I brought the game out a few months ago to play it with him. OMG! I was so glad when he went home and I could put that thing away! The noise from the game drove me nuts!! I couldn't take it! Old age setting in? I don't know, but I haven't played that noisy game with him since!!

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

You're a great grandmother. Sounds like DD just got her panties in a wad because she kind of expected you to babysit and may feel like she's playing second fiddle to her brother.

I'm a working mother as well. It's a fact of life that sometimes working parents need to take a vacation day because there is just no one to watch the children. If push comes to shove, tell her to take a vacation day. Sorry, but my parents live in CO, my ILs in FL and both my DSis work full time. I have NO backup. So my sympathy level is ZERO. Sounds like you are a wonderful grandmother to babysit as much as you do.

 

[wendy46001]

While you have every right to say no

I can see her looking at it as you’re watching your son's child so he can go have "fun", but she has to work and her normal sitter is on vacation

She has a need, he wants to play
but like i said you have every right to decide what you can handle...so its up to you

 

[JessicaR]

Originally she asked you to watch them one day of the three, is that correct? You offered two days and she is upset? She is way off base. Since you say she has options she better get busy making plans of the ONE day you are unable to watch them. Your past record shines and you are a wonderful Grandma. I hope she comes to her senses and realizes how great she has it.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

No, not and keep my sanity at the same time!!

I think you are right here! My mom can do it now because they are older, but she wouldn't watch her four at the same time when they were all little. (I am pretty sure I read there was a 10 month involved.) You know your limits, stick to them!

I think your DD must be jealous you are watching your DS's child. I don't get it since you watch her kids also. Best of luck, and don't be afraid to say no.

 

[LuvOrlando]

You are assuming these other people are equal substitutes to you but maybe they are not. There could be trouble in these other homes you know nothing about which makes your DD not want her kids around them alone. Maybe you could ask her why she seems uncomfortable with the other sitter options. Ask her, are there people there or behaviors that un-nerve her.

If she does have valid reasons would you consider her paying a neighborhood teen to babysit the kids at your home under your supervision. This way someone else is responsible for keeping the kids occupied while you are there to make sure everything is done the way your DD wants things done. Just a thought on a possible compromise.... feel better.

 

[TwinsinCA]

Given the new details I am even more firmly on your daughter's side. She has to work. It isn't as though she is going shopping.

Why can't your son hunt on Saturday or Sunday? Or better yet not hunt at all since he sees his kids so infrequently and this activity leaves the 4 year old out. He only gets a few days a month with this child, I think it is sad that he wouldn't want to spend every possible minute with him.

And your son doesn't have to take them to a restaurant. He could cook meals for his own kids at your house.

 

[m&m's mom]

No, both my daughter and son belong to me and DH, they do not have separate fathers. I didn't think, should have clarified that.

I took this as you do not think they have different fathers.
For one day and only being 52, I cannot imagine one day having all 3 kids would not be doable. My parents are 15 years older than you and they have kept lots of little Grandkids at once.
Look at it this way too. It is very important for the kids from both families to spend time together. They are cousins for goodness sake.

 

[bekkiz]

It sounds like you're being perfectly reasonable. I feel bad making anyone watch my two unless I'm paying them, and it seems somewhat presumptious that your daughter wants you to watch all of the kids. Unfortunatly, you can't force someone to come to their senses, so you might just have to wait it out.

 

[wdwfan16]

Given the new details I am even more firmly on your daughter's side. She has to work. It isn't as though she is going shopping.

Why can't your son hunt on Saturday or Sunday? Or better yet not hunt at all since he sees his kids so infrequently and this activity leaves the 4 year old out. He only gets a few days a month with this child, I think it is sad that he wouldn't want to spend every possible minute with him.

And your son doesn't have to take them to a restaurant. He could cook meals for his own kids at your house.

I too am more on your DD's side after the new details.

I would not leave the younger kid behind. He rarely spends time with his siblings or father as it is. For his father to go off with his other kids ad leave him behind is wrong.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

She needs a sitter because she and her husband both work. She needs a sitter for the 27th, Nov. 1st and 2nd because her regular sitter will be on vacation, and the sitter's mother did not want to babysit on her own (the sitter still lives with her parents). But I said I would be happy to have them on the 1st and 2nd, so it's not like I won't watch them at all for her. She can find someone else for the 27th. She could ask her aunt, or her DH's Mom (she's a teacher so will have the day off for Thanksgiving break) or she could ask her DH's youngest brother. She also said her DH has a friend at work who might be able to watch them. So she does have other options.

Then I think you are doing something crappy to her just so that your son can do something fun with his spare time.

I'm sure she could ask many people--but you are leaving her high and dry after making it sound like she takes advantage of you.

With more details, I could see why she is upset and am surprised that you don't have a clue as to why.

I'm not saying you have to watch her, it is your ambivilance to her NEED compared to your sons WANT that bugs me.

 

[TheBigBadWolf]

I think your DD is acting ridiculous too, and it sounds like she is jealous. I think it's great your DS is getting out and taking his older children deer hunting. Maybe people here don't realize deer season (rifle) here only lasts 10 days, so it's not like he'll have a chance to take them deer hunting later. And after two months on the road, he needs a hunting trip with his older kids to relax and unwind.

I don't blame you for not wanting to keep all three little kids at the same time. That is too much! Your daughter has two weeks to find a babysitter for her two children, which should be plenty of time. Keep your chin up and don't let her get you down. You're doing the right thing. I'm glad your son is getting to spend some time with his kids after not being with them for so long.

 

[RadioNate]

ehhhh -

I don't know. I do think you have every right to say no but I can totally see where your DD is upset. She HAS to work and needs a sitter since her regular sitter is unavailable.

Her brother may WANT to go hunting so you are putting aside her need in case he wants something.

Is there anything from their childhood or things like that which may make her feel like you favor the brother and his kids. I understand you do a lot for her. But some times when family dynamics and hurt feelings are at play, people think and feel irrationally.

And yeah, the cooking for him and taking care of him while he is home rubs me the wrong way too. If that is his home, he should be helping out. Does she help out when she is visiting?

Your daughter's feelings remind me a lot of my mom. She does a lot for us and visits a lot. My inlaws do not. However, on the rare occasion they want to spend time with us, we feel the need to accommodate them. Of course, the times they want always seem to fall at Christmas and that upsets my mom. She 'gives' all year to us and would really like to spend the holidays with us too but can't because they've swooped in and monopolized all our time with grand plans. She feels she 'earns' that special time, when they haven't.

Could you daughter feel 'dumped' when her brother returns to town?

 

[JessicaR]

The OPer mentioned that she sits for her daughters kids ALL the time, numerous times. She rarely sees her sons kids. It is ONE day. I cant for the life of me see how this woman is slighting her daughter in any way shape or form. To those that think she should just watch them all at the same time, didn't you see where she said she wasn't comfortable doing that? Why isn't that OK?

A 10 month old is a handful w/o the rest and we have no idea if OPer has any limitations. If the daughter had no other options this could be a subject to re-visit but as it stands, the daughter has options.

 

[princess momma]

Maybe you didn't read my entire post. My son recently became a truck driver. He is not married. He gets his kids (2 from his first wife, and 1 from a live-in relationship) when he comes home, which looks like it will be once a month for 3 nights at a time.

He was renting a house but decided to let it go. Why be paying monthly rent, heat, electricity, etc. for 3 days a month? With our Michigan winters heat is very expensive. And rent is too. He would be shelling out about $1,000/month to live there for 3 days. I completely understand why he wanted to give the house up.

So I told him he can stay here, with his kids, when he is home to visit. I don't expect him to take his kids to restaurants to eat, so I will cook for them. I don't mind. He is my son, and his kids are my grandkids.

I read your entire post. From where I stand, it looks like you're enabling your son to be an absentee father. He's only going to be around for his children 3 days a month, and when he is around you will be caring for both him and his children. Am I wrong? You will be providing him free room and board. You will be making his meals. You will be watching his children.

He hasn't even discussed it with you and you're already anticipating his needs. You're not treating him like a grown man.

I understand him not wanting to keep an apartment for a few days a month, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't contribute to household expenses or take care of himself and his children.

As for your daughter, no you don't have to watch her kids. It's great that you're able to so often. But in this circumstance you chose your son over your daughter.

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't think that you have done anything wrong and I do not see your DD's POV. Not at all. I do not think grandparents owe their children babysitting time, that is a gift. Grandparents do not need to explain why they are not able to watch the kids either and they do not need to play "even steven" in order to keep those adult children happy.

I watch my DGD whenever I can. I absolutely love having her, but I am not afraid to tell my DD when I am not available. I do not feel that I owe her an explanation and she has never asked me for one. You have helped your DD in the past and if you choose to keep that weekend open so that you can watch your DS's children that is your business. It does not sound like your DD is in a bind but that she does not want to use the other options available to her.

 

[LynnTH]

When I had my kids I never expected my parents or my in-laws to watch them. They are my kids and it is not their responsibility - they have already raised their kids. There are plenty of times my parents watched my kids but if they said no - I would totally understand. As a parent it is up to me to have a back up or I or my DH take off work - simple as that.

I don't see where this guilt trip is coming from. I don't think it is right that she just expects you to watch them. I don't care if it is for work. That's what vacation days are for and I when my kids were little most of my vacation days were used for when we didn't have a sitter or they were sick. I didn't expect my parents or in-laws to take them as they are my kids and that is part of being a parent.