Please I need advice!!!

[Casperina]

That must be it! lol. I dont understand some ppl and the advice they give. I really dont get it.


Posted from DISboards.com App for Android

Yeah! I certainly don't have loads of extra cash around, so Disney trips are sort of a big deal! If there was someone I didn't feel that I could pay for, I would do my best to help them get there, but if someone hit my child... they can plan their own trip

 

[crashbb]

♥♥ Thanks, lovely!
I think all the people saying to bring the friend with have lots of extra money or something

That is a TOTAL red herring.

The question from the OP has nothing to do with being able to afford bringing the friend - for all we know the friend is paying 100% of her costs (or her parents are). The question is about revoking an invitation because her daughter no longer wants to bring her. Questions about costs, about how the invitation was given, or anything else are simply red herrings and have nothing to do with this situation.

 

[Nancyg56]

Teen girl drama I don't think I would make up my mind until I had both girls together and had spoken to them. OP- with respect, you only know what your DD has told you. I am not disputing it, I am simply saying that a 13 YO girl who is mad may embellish the truth a bit. I also would want to talk tot eh other girl, hear what she has to say and then find out if she really still wants to go. She may not want to discussion with her Mom or she and your DD have not been able to move past the incident, whatever it was.

I believe that in the end this is your decision. It seems to me that both girls handled it by not handling it so either they work it out and put the issue behind them or they decide that their friendship is more superficial and the girl tells her Mom that they just are not friendly enough to have a long vacation together. But I think that you need to lead the discussion and if it seems that they are at odds guide them to come to their decision.

I would have a problem with an argument that resulted in one or both girls getting physical but I would never have let it get to this. Somehow there should have been some communication to either fix this or end it. Letting a 13 YO kid hang in limbo is not appropriate IMO. As that girl's Mom I would have already decided there would be no trip, my DD would never be going with you.

 

[Jennasis]

At 13, if your DD doesn't want her friend to come with anymore, then your DD should be the one to tell her so.

 

[LBIJim]

NO! That is not my intention. You have no idea how I've agonized over this. I have told my daughter that she has to bring this friend, no matter what. But I don't want my daughter to be miserable on a trip she has waited 3 years for. Yes, it was important enough to include in the original post, but I didn't want that info to influence anybody's advice. My daughter has moved past it, it's ME that still dwells on it. And since we are financially responsible for this trip - I want it to be worthwhile.

You've told your daughter she has to bring this friend, no matter what. So you've made your decision. Why seek permission from stangers to change your mind? You already know the "right" thing to do.

You've agreed to let your daughter's friend (whose mother you don't know well) to come along on a family trip you've been waiting for for 3 years. Also you've apparently agreed to cover this friend's costs. Your prior post acknowledges that you know you're in a "made your bed...." position. So, "as of now" of course you're going to tell the friend's mother that the trip is still on.

As PPs suggested, it might be a good idea to get your daughter and her friend together before the trip. Then, and only then, if things are awkward could you contact the mother and tell her that things just aren't working out.

But if getting them together before the trip isn't possible, it looks like you're stuck with the arrangement. Bring the friend and make the best of it. If things turn out really intolerable, I guess you're responsible to getting the friend back home early somehow.

(I'm curious to how your husband and other daughter feel about the situation. Not just the current issue, but about inviting this friend in the first place.)

. I have told my daughter that she has to bring this friend, no matter what.

Just a reminder that you already know the right thing to do.

Jim

 

[Nancyg56]

Yeah! I certainly don't have loads of extra cash around, so Disney trips are sort of a big deal! If there was someone I didn't feel that I could pay for, I would do my best to help them get there, but if someone hit my child... they can plan their own trip

The thing is that while we think we know what happened we really do not. We know the OP's DD said the friend hit her. I'll accept that. What did the OP's DD do? We have no idea. Mom has not spoken to both girls to get to the bottom of this and still does not want to. Why not? You have responded in a pretty strong manner about how you would react to anyone getting physical with your child and rightly so. Would you just let it go or would you want to speak to the other girl? My first reaction would be to find out what happened and then to decide if i was still willing to bring the friend with us. I would not step back and hope it all went away.

 

[mjkacmom]

RE the comment about parents of "only children" thinking a certain way (basically behaving quite selfishly), thats the second most absurd thing ive heard on these boards.


Posted from DISboards.com App for Android

Well, I have to say I felt the same way of some of the responses of parents of only children on this thread. It was a slap in the face, and sometimes words are worse. Who knows exactly what the OP's dd called this girl to provoke such a reaction? If one of my kids' friends hit them, and the kids made up, I'm certainly not taking a "you hit my poor little baby snowflake, therefore you are no longer allowed in my home" stance. Heck, my bff from 6th grade and I had a huge catfight on the playground - lots of hitting and hair pulling - and we're still good friends decades later.

I think there are dramatic reactions on both sides of this issue on these threads!

 

[americangirl5333]

I wouldnt take this girl anywhere. Slapping someone is NOT acceptable behavior regardless of why she thought she needed to slap the OP's daughter. IT doesnt matter if she promised to take her or not. If you were engaged to be married to a man and then all the sudden one day he slapped you, would you still marry him???? ITs not acceptable behavior and the minute she violated the OP's daughters rights, by physically battering her her invite should have been taken back. However I think the communication should have been better in this situation. The daughter doesnt need to worry about whether or not this girl will still be her friend. Who needs enemies when you have friends like that? And also I wouldnt want my daughter hanging around her, I dont like her values. JMO

 

[dizluvah]

Sorry, but I'm really having trouble with the update. The other girl supposedly slapping the DD wasn't important enough to make it into the initial post? That's a little more than just "drifting apart." If it's true, the OP's daughter sounds like she was pretty rude to her friend, not that it justifies being slapped, but knowing how teen girls tend to exaggerate, I wonder if it was really even a slap or just being silly. Plus, the OP's daughter did accept the apology, so there's that. If the supposed slap was enough to drop her from the trip, it should have happened back when the incident occurred. Canceling on her now is wrong, IMO.

It really sounds like this is one of those threads where the OP doesn't get the advice they wanted and pulls out "extra information" to sway everyone to their side.

I agree with the bolded; that was my first thought when I read the advice - I think OP has made up her mind and wants to others agree

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, to a mommy, 13 is still "baby" lots of the time. Sorry - emotional pregnant woman on the loose!
I remember that too! Lots of the other kids were engaging in adult activities and playing with illegal substances even that early on!

Do you have a 13 year old? Because I never considered my 13 year olds babies, having had 2 so far. At 13, they worked things out with their friends, without help from dear old mom. Granted, still have 2 years to get the oldest to 18 without any serious issues, but things have been going along quite nicely. And she hasn't called me MOMMY in years! Actually, none of them call my that anymore - it's called growing up.

 

[ilovezach33]

Do you have a 13 year old? Because I never considered my 13 year olds babies, having had 2 so far. At 13, they worked things out with their friends, without help from dear old mom. Granted, still have 2 years to get the oldest to 18 without any serious issues, but things have been going along quite nicely. And she hasn't called me MOMMY in years! Actually, none of them call my that anymore - it's called growing up.

I call my mother "mommy" and "momma"
I have my whole life - even when I was 13. JS.

 

[okeydokey]

I would get the girls together and see how they do. They will probably be just fine, and it will be a fun trip for everyone. I think you should bring the friend as promised.

 

[Kennywife]

I call my mother "mommy" and "momma"
I have my whole life - even when I was 13. JS.

My parents still see me as their "baby" sometimes and I'm 35 and married. That doesn't change just because you grow up. I still call my mom "momma" and dad "daddy" sometimes.

And I'm an "only." My parents both volunteer at food pantries at church and my mom taught children in sunday school all the time I was growing up. They could only have one child due to infertility, but my mom has had a significant impact in many children's lives.

 

[ahutton]

As a Mom, I would want to talk to the other mom and say "the girls had a tough time at the end of the school year" and see where her thoughts are about the trip, is the girl excited and still wants to go, etc. And if the other mom gives feedback that she is excited, etc, then I would tell DD to have a talk with her and say let's go have fun, skip the boy talk and enjoy ourselves. Friends come in and out of your lives, and you never know why! If the mom says she's on the fence, not sure, then I would give her the opportunity to gracefully back out. Otherwise, I'm more on the "you made your bed" train of thought. Teenagers can be awful to each other, but my friend and I from that age are still friends, even after all the bad stuff!!

 

[leebee]

If the academic year calendar posted by the high school of the OP's listed hometown is to be believed, the girls got out of school BEFORE MEMORIAL DAY. This means they haven't spoken at all in over 6 weeks, which is quite a bit more time than "since the end of June."

OP, you are in a no-win situation. Talk to your daughter and see if SHE wants the other girl to still come. If she says yes, tell her why you don't want the other kid along and see if she can reassure you that it will be OK. If you are still apprehensive, sit down with both girls and tell them you won't tolerate any of the crap (can I say that?) that went on at the end of school and ask them if they can get along. If not, the other kid doesn't go. My money, my family, my vacation. If the girls cannot 100% guarantee that they will behave, call the other mom and tell her your family situation has changed since May and sorry, you can't take her daughter. (I get that you don't want to tell the other mom about the slapping incident as you are afraid she'll be physically abusive to her daughter... gee, wonder where the daughter got the idea that hitting your DD was OK?)

 

[SAT]

Frankly, there are probably way more than two (one kid's verison, other kid's version, the version mom was told, the version we were told....)

To be sure.^^^

I think the OP and her DD should follow through with their invite, if they find out that the friend is still interested in going. It is possible the friend doesn't want to go any more than the OP and her DD want her to go.

This is a moment where all sorts of things can be taught such as keeping your word, empathy, learning to resolve conflict and let bygones be bygones.

Uninviting the friend then using 'weasel' words to get out of it really doesn't send a good message to the DD.

The price of paying for the friend to come is worth every penny if it helps DD to become a quality adult with integrity.

 

[phorsenuf]

Well, to a mommy, 13 is still "baby" lots of the time. Sorry - emotional pregnant woman on the loose!
I remember that too! Lots of the other kids were engaging in adult activities and playing with illegal substances even that early on!

What in the Sam Hill are you talking about?

 

[sam_gordon]

Don't forget, according to the OP...

I'm sure the friendship will pick back up once school resumes,

The girls need to spend a day (or even a couple hours together). If they can't stand each other that long and get into a fight, disagreement, whatever, NEITHER one will want the shared vacation.

If, as the OP suspects, they become BFFs again, the trip is on and everyone is happy.

Regardless, if DD wants to "disinvite" the friend, SHE should do it.

 

[Pumbaa_]

I would be honest with the mom, the girls had a falling out at the end of the year and have not kept up with each other. I think it would be best for all if Suzie does not come along, I hope you understand


NOthing worse than 13 yo girl drama...and how could ther not be with how they left it They are no longer friends, there was physical violince, how could you even consider bringing this former friend on the trip

 

[okeydokey]

The OP said her daughter was already over the supposed slap incident, although I doubt it went the way the OP says. If the daughter is over it, why would it be used as an excuse to go back on a promise to the friend?