Ok...I think we can all agree that hindsight is 20/20.
Yes, this should have been worked out earlier between the girls. Yes, communication could have been better between all sides of the equation. But what's done is done, and can't be helped now. From my perspective, what the OP is asking for are some viable options to make the best decision for her family and her daughter in particular. It's not about judging what's the better parenting method...she's asked this community to help her make the right choice.
Thirteen is a crappy age - especially for girls. Let's face it - too old to be a baby, too young to understand the raging hormones. On top of that, every movie, magazine, video game, and song is telling them they have to age from 13 to 31 in a heartbeat. They're told from every angle that being a child is uncool; they are encouraged to be sexy and alluring from the moment they realize that boys aren't just girls that smell funky. I don't envy teenagers today by any stretch.
However, the bottom line is that there was an episode between these two young ladies that resulted in some violence. That's never right, and should be addressed. Who's to say that it won't happen again, or worse yet, escalate? And if the OP isn't comfortable with the influence the guest girl will have on her daughter, she has a right (moreover, an obligation) to protect her child, etiquette or not.
I would humbly suggest that the moms come together and discuss this. After all, they will be footing the bill - and each should be concerned about the welfare of their children. Perhaps the guest girl's mom is a bit heavy-handed. That responsibility lies with the guest girl's mom, not the OP. It is not the OP's fault if the guest girl's mother doesn't handle the news well. The situation should be explained fully, and how the OP is worried that the girls might go at it again, but with more serious consequences (after all, one of the moms won't be there...and the guest girl might feel she can get away with more serious infractions; or the OP's daughter might feel that she has more power and become bossy or vengeful).
Ensure that the guest girls' mom knows that the problem is not with her daughter alone, but whether or not the two girls will get along well. Remember, arguments and conflicts are rarely one-sided, especially when it comes to kids. Going on vacation means the girls will be together almost 24 hours a day for several days. There will be excitement and emotions and fear and everything else. If they are only marginally friends now, any unhappiness will be magnified. Every little snit or dig can potentially turn into a big dramafest, and that isn't good for anyone.
After a serious conversation between the moms, and then the daughters, the OP can better determine if this would be a good vacation dynamic. In my opinion, it's more important to preserve the sanity of her family than to worry about whether it's good form to follow through with an invite.
OP - I think this is a situation that can be handled through honest and forthright communication. You may also find - to your benefit - that doing this will teach your daughter that there are more ethical and proper ways of dealing with conflict. And perhaps this experience will allow you to not fall into the same trap in the future. That, in my opinion, is how you teach young girls to be strong women. To instill the best values in them...by showing them how it's done.
Most of all, whatever you decide, I truly hope you and your family have a lovely vacation.
. The OP is totally within her rights to let the other mom know the invitation is no longer valid. The trip isn't for a couple more months anyway. I don't feel the girl should have to let the family know, the parents should handle it.
