Please I need advice!!!

[BlovesC]

If your daughter was the one who initially invited her friend, your daughter should be the one to uninvite her as well. I realize they haven't talked, but if she truly doesn't want her along, she's going to have to tell her. Either it'll keep the friendship in its stunted stage and then leave your daughter free to enjoy her vacation in peace, OR the two finally talking will lead to mending the friendship and the invitation will stay in place. Teen girls argue all the time and the friendships are usually easily repaired, IF they want them to be. If your daughter refuses to break the invitation off to the girl, tell her she'll have no choice but to honor it. She's a teenager, far old enough to solve her own friendship issues.

 

[kirstenb1]

Ok, I advised OP to tell the other mom that it was a family only vacation, and I stand by that. What I don't understand is, was there NO communication between the adults about this trip? If not, then I really don't get the big deal. Kids say and do a lot of things parents don't approve of/are not aware of. Invitations are thrown out all the time. "We're going to Universal, want to come?" "We're going camping, want to come?" "We're going to the movies, want to come?" 1/2 the time parents aren't aware of these invites and kids don't take them all that seriously. Something that sounds great in April has dimmed a whole lot by June. Give the mom a break, IMO, and OP, just tell the other mom that it is a family vacation that you all have waited a long time for and you want it to just be family. I would have no problem with that from either end.

This is what I was trying to get across when I asked if the parents had talked over the details, etc.

Again, an overnight out of state trip is a big deal for all involved. OP, if you've been in touch with the Mom, working out details, I think you're stuck with this trip as is.

I can picture my dd telling a friend she's going to WDW, and the friend saying "can I come?" If it's more that situation, it's easier to back out of it. I think everyone understands that kids that age talk a lot, and still need a lot of adult guidance.

I cannot imagine going to all the trouble of planning for a friend to join us, and then change things this late in the game.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

let me add some needed info. the girls are both 13 years old. the friend of my daughter is going the "boy crazy" route. my daughter (so far thank you thank you thank you) is not. there was an incident right before school let out where the friend was talking about a particular boy and my daughter said "ok! nobody wants to hear about this anymore. and the friend slapped my daughter in the face. now she did apologize to my daughter and my daughter accepted the apology and that's what led to the drifting apart thing. also, the friend is with her father for the summer - but they both have facebooks and have not communicated there either. i do not know the mom well, and was actually very surprised that she would let her daughter go. my main concern is that my daughter has said that she does not want to spend her entire vacation hearing about all these boys - and i'm worried about what may or may not happen.

now i don't believe the mom knows about the incident - and i would rather not tell her because....well, let's just say the mother is very physical with her discipline. personally, i agree with the "you made your bed" logic, but i don't want this vacation to be miserable. my daughter has wanted to go to WWOHP for 3 years now - and i want it to be perfect for her.

maybe that will help with the advice!!!!

Oh well that may have helped with the advice. Tell your dd to pick up the phone, call the frenemie and uninvite her.

 

[KerriSue]

Just be the adult and make the choice. Tell the mom that due to the strain on the relationship that you would not feel comfortable taking her daughter on such an expensive family holiday.

Ask yourself if you or your family really want to be stuck with this child for 'your' family vacation. Go with your gut.

Good luck

 

[padams]

Your dd should be the one to uninvite the girl. It will be a good life lesson for her. I doubt the girls will resume their friendship in the fall if the girl is unvited. Is your dd ok with losing this friend, and potentially other mutual friends, over this situation?

 

[Kennywife]

I don't have a child yet, but I will say that if someone slapped my child, that person would not be going on vacation with us. End of story. Also, I would be apprehensive having my child around someone who slapped him or her. But that's just me. Then again, after TTC for three years, I may be a bit on the overprotective side.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't have a child yet, but I will say that if someone slapped my child, that person would not be going on vacation with us. End of story. Also, I would be apprehensive having someone around my child who slapped him or her. But that's just me. Then again, after TTC for three years, I may be a bit on the overprotective side.

True....However, I would have put my foot down as a parent immediately and uninvited her after the slap incident.

However both the OP and her dd have not done anything UNTIL the mom contacted OP.

I would say that missteps are happening and the girls need to talk to each other and come to an agreement.

Or OP COULD tell mom that the trip is off since the girls do not seem to be getting along with each other right now.

 

[padams]

I don't have a child yet, but I will say that if someone slapped my child, that person would not be going on vacation with us. End of story. Also, I would be apprehensive having my child around someone who slapped him or her. But that's just me. Then again, after TTC for three years, I may be a bit on the overprotective side.

I think everyone would agree with you, and that is why I suspect the alleged slapping incident was not exactly as OP and/or her dd now describe. If that incident actually happened, wouldn't the invite have been cancelled at that time? If OP didn't know about the alleged incident until now, then I suspect the dd is embellishing the story to get out of taking the girl to US.

 

[lovesmurfs]

I'm inclined to agree with the mom saying, "We decided to have a family-only trip," but to me it would depend on how "invited" it was.

Was it "Oh, we're going to FL and I want you to come!" or was it "We're going to Universal Studios on July 15. We're leaving at 6:00 a.m. and will be back on July 17 at 11:00 a.m., and you need to bring XYZ?"

My kids make plans together all the time that fall through like the first statement. If more specifics and times, etc. were given, I would say she needs to just let it go and have her come.

 

[burnurcomputer]

I am on the *you invited and now you stick with it* train. The communication goes both ways. Your daughter could have contacted her just as the girl could have contacted your daughter.

After the added info, I guess my thought is that you are more concerned about your vacation then your daughter being friends again when school starts up with a girl who slapped her across the face.

Look, take her or not, its your choice. I still think that the phone rings both ways and that should have been resolved a long time ago, as friends or as parted friends. Ovbviously, you were aware the invite was made and waited untill you were contacted by the girls Mother about the trip to decide if she should go or not. Day late, dollar short.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

After the added info, I guess my thought is that you are more concerned about your vacation then your daughter being friends again when school starts up with a girl who slapped her across the face.

Look, take her or not, its your choice. I still think that the phone rings both ways and that should have been resolved a long time ago, as friends or as parted friends. Ovbviously, you were aware the invite was made and waited untill you were contacted by the girls Mother about the trip to decide if she should go or not. Day late, dollar short.

Totally agree.

 

[crashbb]

If your daughter was the one who initially invited her friend, your daughter should be the one to uninvite her as well. I realize they haven't talked, but if she truly doesn't want her along, she's going to have to tell her. Either it'll keep the friendship in its stunted stage and then leave your daughter free to enjoy her vacation in peace, OR the two finally talking will lead to mending the friendship and the invitation will stay in place. Teen girls argue all the time and the friendships are usually easily repaired, IF they want them to be. If your daughter refuses to break the invitation off to the girl, tell her she'll have no choice but to honor it. She's a teenager, far old enough to solve her own friendship issues.

Totally agree with this. It's not that I think that the other girl *has* to come along, but the OP's daugther needs to be the one to deal with it. Lying to the other mother by saving that you are reneging since you want it to be only family (and, yes, I do consider it lying, because the issue is not that you want only family, the issue is that you do not want this specific girl), is not the way to deal with it.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Ok, I advised OP to tell the other mom that it was a family only vacation, and I stand by that. What I don't understand is, was there NO communication between the adults about this trip? If not, then I really don't get the big deal. Kids say and do a lot of things parents don't approve of/are not aware of. Invitations are thrown out all the time. "We're going to Universal, want to come?" "We're going camping, want to come?" "We're going to the movies, want to come?" 1/2 the time parents aren't aware of these invites and kids don't take them all that seriously. Something that sounds great in April has dimmed a whole lot by June. Give the mom a break, IMO, and OP, just tell the other mom that it is a family vacation that you all have waited a long time for and you want it to just be family. I would have no problem with that from either end.

This is so true. I've experienced this many times. My son and his friend would make plans while the mom's are totally unaware. The bottom line here is that the kid doesnt want this friend to come along. Promises or no promises, the OP is paying for it. And since it is a family vacay, I wouldnt bring someone along that my kid wasnt comfortable with.

 

[marybet]

I think what you are all missing is the fact that the friend did not call to see if the trip was still on. You all want the OP's DD to call her friend but I think if the friend had really wanted to go she would have called. The mother asking if the trip is still on means she hasn't been making plans with the daughter, maybe they don't commicate that much when she is visiting her father.

I would not want to take a chance on the girls suddenly getting along. Any road trip can be trying with just your own children. No way would I risk my vacation this way.

OP just tell the mother that you decided (after much thought) to make it a family trip. If you really feel your DD should tell her friend than have her do the same thing. Easy to understand why you don't want to take anyone else with you.

I had a friend who planned to visit me, I hadn't heard from her in probably 6 weeks, visit was getting closer so I called her. First thing she asked is if they could still visit (we lived at the beach) I of course said yes, after all she was my best friend. I wish I had said no, I felt so used, like I was her hotel. It was the beginning of the end of our friendship. So don't think 13 year olds will just forget & forgive and all will be fine.

 

[sam_gordon]

I think what you are all missing is the fact that the friend did not call to see if the trip was still on. You all want the OP's DD to call her friend but I think if the friend had really wanted to go she would have called. The mother asking if the trip is still on means she hasn't been making plans with the daughter, maybe they don't commicate that much when she is visiting her father.

I would not want to take a chance on the girls suddenly getting along. Any road trip can be trying with just your own children. No way would I risk my vacation this way.

OP just tell the mother that you decided (after much thought) to make it a family trip. If you really feel your DD should tell her friend than have her do the same thing. Easy to understand why you don't want to take anyone else with you.

I had a friend who planned to visit me, I hadn't heard from her in probably 6 weeks, visit was getting closer so I called her. First thing she asked is if they could still visit (we lived at the beach) I of course said yes, after all she was my best friend. I wish I had said no, I felt so used, like I was her hotel. It was the beginning of the end of our friendship. So don't think 13 year olds will just forget & forgive and all will be fine.

According to the OP, it's assumed the girls would become friends again once school gets back into session. If that's the case, why wouldn't the girls be friends on the trip?

Is it possible the girl doesn't have access to FB while with her dad? We don't know if this girl is really looking forward to the trip or not. I do think 13 is old enough for DD to put on her "big girl panties" and let this girl know she's uninvited.

If the OP tells the friend's mother the girl is no longer invited, DD can claim "mom called it off". How does that teach responsibility?

 

[cornflake]

Are you being serious right now? You sound devestated! Just in case you werent aware, this is HER vacation (referring to the OP). Its HER money. She can do whatever she darn well pleases. Call me cruel, but if my son didnt want a friend on my vacation, i sure as heck am not going to bring him if its going to make him unhappy and cause unnecessary drama on the trip. Will it hurt his feelings? Maybe. But we'll all get over it eventually. Plus, the OP is paying for it! I sure as heck wouldnt foot the bill for someone who slapped my kid in the face. Violence is not tolerated in my house. So youre basically telling this woman that her friend should come even thou it will make both the DD and mom unhappy? AWESOME advice! clap! clap! clap! (clear sarcasm here). Thats the most ridiculous thing ive ever heard in my whole life. Life is full of disappointments, get over it. Im sure this kid will too. If the kid wants to go to universal so bad, her own parents should take her.

As I said OP, its your vacation. My child would be priority #1. If she's really unhappy about her friend coming, then pull the plug. Tell the mom its a family vacay, plain and simple. Or get your DD to tell her friend. Doesnt matter who, but someone needs to say something asap. Good luck.


>>> THIS!!

The girl was invited. You'd really just be all 'oh well, too bad' if your kid changed his mind willy nilly and didn't want a kid you'd invited on a holiday vacation along at the last minute just so YOUR kid wasn't made unhappy?

She was invited, she goes, imo, unless somethig horrible happened in the meantime which it doesn't seem to have.

The incident seems minor, the OP's daughter was being bratty too, and the OP says her daughter has moved on from it - plus as someone else said, don't really know exactly what happened there.

I don't understand the OP's seeming surprise the kid was still coming, just because the girls hadn't spoken in... 5 or so weeks? ... during summer vacation when one is away. Presumably she thought she'd be on vacation with y'all soon. Suggesting the friendship will pick right back up also suggests OP's daughter is just being mercurial. I say she goes. It's beyond rude to ditch her at this point for no real reason.

 

[Princess Dolly]

I always like when a thread is so clearly one-sided that new, astonishing information then appears in a later post.

 

[luvsJack]

If the girl is with her dad, there may be some reason she isn't staying in contact. Some of dd's friends seem to drop off the face of the earth when they are visiting their non-custodial parent.

As for the incident, sounds like they were both being catty. And 13 year old girls are the world champs at being catty.

I don't know that one incident like that would make me uninvite the girl. Does you dd not want any further friendship with this girl? Make sure your child realizes what the end result of not un-inviting her friend could be.

On the boy crazy bit, dd's best friend is the queen of boy crazy. but, she surprised us quite a bit on our short Disney trip. During the entire weekend, she didn't even mention a boy or seem to notice if there were any there! Quite a change for her.

 

[Rylee]

OP - If what you have posted is the absolute truth about your indecision over including this friend on your vacation...

BE HONEST! What is so wrong with calling the friend's mother to discuss the situation?

Just start by explaining making this call is awkward for you (true.) Tell her that in the time since the invitation was extended, the girls haven't had any communication and may have grown apart, (true.) Maybe at this point, you can get a little feedback from her to see if she is aware the girls haven't kept in touch, etc. Perhaps she'll mention their disagreement, if not, I don't think it's necessary to bring it up. If she carries on about how excited her daughter is, well then, now you'll know that, too.
- If you and your daughter have decided she is definitely not taking this friend, apologize for any disappointment this has caused and explain, using the reasons above, as to why it would not be a good idea to take her daughter on this vacation.
- If you and your daughter decide you are still on the fence or open to the idea of still taking her, ask the mother if the girls could get together before the trip to see if they can reconnect their friendship.

Your daughter needs to be involved in this. If you are not taking the friend, your daughter owes her a phone call. Since the mother has contacted you, you, too, owe the mother a phone call.

 

[Bonnie40]

OP - If what you have posted is the absolute truth about your indecision over including this friend on your vacation...

BE HONEST! What is so wrong with calling the friend's mother to discuss the situation?

Just start by explaining making this call is awkward for you (true.) Tell her that in the time since the invitation was extended, the girls haven't had any communication and may have grown apart, (true.) Maybe at this point, you can get a little feedback from her to see if she is aware the girls haven't kept in touch, etc. Perhaps she'll mention their disagreement, if not, I don't think it's necessary to bring it up. If she carries on about how excited her daughter is, well then, now you'll know that, too.
- If you and your daughter have decided she is definitely not taking this friend, apologize for any disappointment this has caused and explain, using the reasons above, as to why it would not be a good idea to take her daughter on this vacation.
- If you and your daughter decide you are still on the fence or open to the idea of still taking her, ask the mother if the girls could get together before the trip to see if they can reconnect their friendship.

Your daughter needs to be involved in this. If you are not taking the friend, your daughter owes her a phone call. Since the mother has contacted you, you, too, owe the mother a phone call.

I find the whole situation kind of weird....poor communication all around!