Please give me hope...

[horseshowmom]

I too debated posting publicly about my situation. I didn't really post here (until now) but made some comments on FB and my twitter account. My H's family was NOT happy and made lots of snarky remarks about me "airing my dirty laundry in public" but the thing is MY laundry is clean. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm not the broken one who decided to break my marriage vows. We have very similar situations involving job loss and me (the wife) being sick.

I did NOTHING to deserve this and neither did you.

Like you, I'm learning who my husband really is.

Their complaints should have gone to him - not to you. They should have been disappointed in his behavior - not yours.

 

[Mrs. Darcy]

I don't mean to sound harsh but you can't blame someone for how they feel. If he's not happy with you anymore and he's sure he doesn't want to be with you, then ty not to be angry and let him go. You'll survive.

But the thing he CAN be blamed for is how he's dealing with it. It looks like he just wants to throw you away after all those years. That's not fair to you. From friends I've seen that marriages can be saved if both people are willing to try to reconnect and remember the love that brought them together. Sometimes people change and the love is gone, but at least they tried. Your DH doesn't sound like he tried.

My father has given this advice to people: a divorce has to be earned. It sounds weird, but what it means is what I said above, that you both should try everything to get back together if it's just midlife crisis stuff. If it fails, it's time to say goodbye, be kind to your broken heart, and know that in a year's time you'll be happy again.

My inexperienced advice is to surround yourself with supportive people to help you get through this.

 

[Buckalew11]

Teresa, I am so sorry.

I've said it here quite a few times but my oldest sister is also going through a divorce after 35 years of marriage and 4 kids.

She has told me the same things you have said about how he has said he was *never happy* and it is all her fault--everything is her fault. I mean...what's going on in Libya is HER fault. Crazy huh?

They've been separated for 1 yr now and, so far, all that's happened is he filed and she counter filed (or whatever it is called). Their kids range from ages 22-15 (with this year's b-day). It is moving slow and while she obviously is NOT all right after "one year", she will be in another year or TWO, maybe. I think she'll be happier in the future even.

I'm very proud of her and I've learned a lot about her, about my BIL, and about marriage and that super fine line between love and hate. I've always been closer to my BIL than my sister. He came along when I was about 9 and I'm 46. It hurts beyond words...it is much like a death. :"(

I can only tell you that your posts sound textbook. It is like people who do this read the same book chapter by chapter and follow the directions.
I will say we are here on the DIS for you, Allison too and anyone else who needs to vent cry or get it out. I have listened to my sister cry, scream, beg, and get angry for the last year. I will continue to be here for her, supporting her and her kids.

{{{hugs}}}, Teresa. You deserve so much more than this man was giving you--even on his good days.

 

[quasar4legs]

Lots of good practical advice given so I'll just give you a big cyber hug

 

[badblackpug]

...this, too, shall pass.

....and it will take a while.

My 1st husband did the same thing. Just up, and out of the blue, left. He told me it was my fault. That he left because *I* was unhappy! I went through all the same stuff you did. The begging, the questioning myself, the anger (that one lasted for YEARS)

Here are a few BTDT tips I can give you.

1) Make him move out. The coming and going is not fair to you. Either you have a relationship, or you don't, but he can't have his cake and eat it, too. You are not running a boarding house. Change the locks.

2) Counseling. Go yourself, but invite him, but go yourself no matter what.

3) Get a lawyer, one who specializes in divorce.

4) Lean on your loved ones and friends. My sister was there for me, unconditionally, and I was a miserable b*tch for a long time. She is my best friend.

5) Concentrate on you. Don't worry about him, or what he wants or needs, don't feel sorry for him. Take care of yourself. As nurses we are caretakers, the problem is we take care of everyone but ourselves.

 

[luvmythree]

First of all I just want to say I'm SO sorry for what you are going through. I wish I could give you the magical formula to make it all better quickly but honestly time is the thing that helps the most but takes the longest. My ex came home one day many years ago and told me he didn't love me, was moving out and had had MANY affairs on me during our 20 yr marriage! My kids were young'ish and it really hurt to lose not only my best friend but my marriage and my dream of the "perfect" family. I was so devastated but it took him 6 months to file for divorce but he walked out the door and never came back. I truly believe what helped me the most was getting into counseling IMMEDIATELY!!!

I feel your pain and understand how you feel. Feel free to PM me if you'd like. Also a really great friend of mine sent this to me via email and I read it quite often to help me through the rough/lonely/pity party days. I hope it will help you as well!!! Hang in there..........I am in such a great place these days!!!

A woman was at the bottom of a deep, deep hole. There seemed to be no way out. The sides were steep and jagged, with no way to climb. There was no tunnel, no "back door". The
woman cried out for help until she was hoarse. Someone came by and peered down. "Help!" the woman cried. The bystander yelled, "Wow, that's really deep. Sorry you're down there."

Later on, a family member came by. "You are really embarrassing our family by being down in that hole. You need to pull yourself up out of there."

A pastor came by and said,"I will be praying for you to get out of that hole."

An Alcoholics Anonymous member came by and offered to lend his ladder with 12 steps to climb out, but it wouldn't reach.

Finally, in despair, the woman lay down to die. She heard a noise, and when she opened her eyes, there was another woman next to her.

"Why did you jump in here?" she cried. "Now you are stuck in here too!"

The woman smiled and took her hand. "I've been here before," she replied. "And I know the way out."


Please take care of you......that is the #1 priority!!! Make sure you CYA on all financial fronts and document everything you can. My ex and I avoided court by going through mediation and we are "friendly" enough with each other but really document, document, document!! Also go get a massage, haircut, mani/pedi whatever you want.....you deserve it!!!

H

 

[Topper]

I agree, and I am very impressed that you're able to be so open and honest with us AND yourself. So many times we can't see the patterns! So many times we can't be honest with our part in things. I had the WORST time in relationships for quite awhile, and finally I realized it was b/c I wasn't being the best person in MY part (I was the "other woman" casually a few times, though I never tried to do that, but I'd believe guys when they would say they were single, ugh, and then I'd get "hooked" on the doofuses and stick around).

But it took being able to look at myself truthfully, and it's part of why I'm honest about my past, before I was able to truly move forward.

I see good things in your future, that you are so honest about this.




I think the trip, and reinventing, is a GREAT idea. But I do highly recommend that you take everything you value (pictures, your jewelry, etc) and put it someplace safe. With a friend, in a safe deposit box, in a storage unit, so that you can breathe while you're gone, not wondering what he's doing.

And this is just my opinion and experience...but if you guys try to move forward, letting him come and go is exactly what NOT to do, if he's there. DH and I had problems while engaged, and he moved out. That's how he had his space. We were BOTH willing to do counseling (he started doing his own counseling, and realized quickly that "I don't love you anymore" actually meant, for him, "I don't love myself and I'm scared"...it was only months later that we started couples counseling) and had to set up groundrules.

For me, to feel safe enough to put my heart out there, the groundrule had to be NO DATING. Neither one of us. I couldn't ask him about what he discussed in his therapy (if he wanted to share he could, though), and we had to be honest with each other about our feelings, but we couldn't tell each other where to go...except for the no dating thing.

And for us we couldn't have done it if we were living together...the day to day stuff was too hard on top of the deeper issues.

So I guess I"m saying two things. One, don't dictate where he goes, but he doesn't just get to be a free spirit, either! If you are both interested in counseling (and I would recommend he go to individual counseling, and you do as well, with a DIFFERENT counselor, well before you guys start couples counseling (with yet another counselor IMO*)), the rules have to be set up and there has to be enough trust on both parts that you will both keep the promises.


*A friend of mine was blindsided one New Years Eve, and they did their counseling with the same person. As a result, neither of them ever felt safe, because they were worried about the counselor taking the other person's side.


Sidenote, based on the friend I just mentioned...you might find your health getting a bit better. My friend had chronic idiopathic autoimmune problems (hepatitis in her case) from the time she was 13, and after she finally allowed for the divorce plans to be set in motion, she got SO much better. She had a good 3 years of not being on the transplant list, not being yellowish, etc etc. Her husband, though she denied and denied it, had become a drain on her emotionally and mentally, and her body was failing partially because of the stress of it all. So watch for health changes!



I wish you the best, and I'm SO sorry you're going through all of this.

I think you should listen to Molly, Teresa. She always has the best advice.

 

[Rora]

I wish I had advice but I will pray for you.

 

[TeresaNJ]

.

 

[Buckalew11]

Teresa, I think that dream was your mind telling you how "out of control" your life is right now. You fear the losing and so then losing your son in the mall was probably your mind showing you that sense of loss you are going through.

It'll be OK. You are strong and he is not worth this heartache. Really, he is showing you who he really is. And it is not someone you want to spend your life with. Listen to him speak with his actions (remember actions speak louder than words) and get a counselor--someone to talk with so you can go through all the emotions and deal with them so that moving forward is possible.

I've always heard "you never know someone until you live with him/her." But I think the truth probably is, "you never know someone until you go through a divorce with him/her."

More hugs.

 

[ENSOCK]

 

[DisneyScraps]

Teresa it's really important to be kind to yourself during these dark days. Wear clothes that make you feel good. Maybe a little extra makeup if you don't wear a lot.

Treat yourself to a movie perhaps, I found that it helped to lose myself for a few hours.

Meet a friend for coffee.

Try to get out of the house a little, take a walk look at the flowers.

Try to do a few different things for yourself.

Lisa

 

[twinglesmome]

I don't have any advice to offer, but here's a big hug.

 

[Swank]

Hugs from me too. Hang in there. You are in our prayers.

 

[SC Minnie]

That this pain will end, and I will feel whole again. After 13 years together, & 11 married, to someone I thought was the most wonderful man in the world, my best friend, my soulmate, only to find out he doesn't love me at all, and wants out, now. It's been three weeks since I found out, and while I've held on to hope, I have come to the realization that it really is happening, this isn't a nightmare that I'm going to wake up from, and that my whole life is about to change. He went from telling me I'm the best wife and mother, someone he thanks God for every day, to the person at the root of all his dissatisfaction with life. Please say a prayer for me.

You sound just like my friend one year ago. She was lost. Since then she has gotten therapy, individual as well as a divorce group. She has realized he is the crazy one not her. She is making is on her own now. Its been hard but she doesn't cry every day now. Hang in there.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

So very sorry.

 

[Kitty 34]

So sorry you have to go through this, Teresa.

 

[focusondisney]

I've also lived (and am living) this and I believe it to be the absolute truth. My husband left right before Thanksgiving, after being together 17 years. Blamed it all on me. You know what I did? After 6 weeks loathing in self-pity and questioning what I did wrong, I decided my New Year's resolution would be to make this year about ME. And I'm having the time of my life. Got rid of everything in my life that wasn't working. I've changed everything in the house to be the way I want it, not the way "we" or "he" liked it. I hang with friends, keep my own schedule, and I am thriving. He never sees me depressed and I never question what he is doing or discuss what went wrong. I won't spend one minute of my time being upset or angry or depressed, because in the end, it doesn't matter and it certainly doesn't help. Can't be bothered with him. You know what? He said he was surprised that I was managing so well without him and he may want to come home after all. Well, guess what buddy, your loss. Haha. It's only been 4 months since he left, but I don't think I'd let him back. I didn't realize what a pressure cooker I was living in.

My advice: Take the time you need to do what's best for you. Ignore advice from people telling you to "stick it to him" or "rake him over the coals", it just drags you down in the end. You already know what's right for you. Hang with people who are important to you and who lift you up. Set a goal everyday for yourself and no matter how bad you feel, get out of bed, put your shoes on and tell yourself today is your day and you're not going to waste it feeling bad for yourself.

Sorry for going on and on. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. How long it takes you to reach it depends solely on you.

What a great post! I so admire your attitude & strength. Sorry you had to go thru this, but good for you for taking your life back!



TeresaNJ, your DH has shown his true character several times. He is so not worth your tears. He cheats, he lies, he abandons a wife who is ill & needs him. One word for that: lowlife. Easy for me to say, but that is not a man I would want in my life. Certainly not a man I would love or marry.

I know you are still in the shock phase. But I hope you'll be able to get over your pain, accept the reality of your new life & move on. Pick yourself up, step over this lowlife & move on. You deserve so much better than this!!!

Keep telling your self that until you believe it as much as your Dis friends believe it!

 

[kellyg403]

OP...many to you! I am sorry that anyone has to go thru this.

I will reiterate what others have said, today and maybe even next week it will seem like the end of the world. Where do the dreams go when they are dying a slow death? I was in an eerily similar situation, and honestly I was so mad at myself for being so stupid I didn't realize WHO the person I married was. It was like night and day.

But, everyday..have an goal. One goal. Today you will get up and clean the kitchen. Tomorrow, you will have lunch with a friend. Something small to help you realize you are still living and there is still a world out there and YOU belong in it. You matter. You are NOT the root of all evil. You ARE loveable, most of all love yourself. Don't let another person deem you unworthy because THEY SAY SO. You, better than anyone, know how wonderful you are and don't forget it.

I remember the long nights and crying. I remember worrying about the financials and everything. I worried about my children, my heart broke for them just as much as mine was breaking for the loss of my marriage. I truly loved that person. I finally had to realize that me loving him was o.k but it was not healthy to be in a relationship with him. I went from 125lbs in Oct to 89lbs by Janurary from the constant stress and battle. My dr said I would end up in the hospital and who would take care of my children then. He was really firm and really blunt with me. I found a counselor THAT day. And the process began. I never answered the phone or spoke to the ex again after that day. He would fed ex threatening letters to me or send the police to my house. I would sign for the letters and never open them. I had to cut him out of my life and make decisions. I made a firm decision everyday. There wasn't a thing left to fight about. Do not let your ex live in your house. He has made the bed, he needs to go. The continued stress of that alone will haunt you. You are a mile behind him. He already knows he is done, he had time to decide to do that without help from you. Now, you need to get to the point where you are finished with the relationship you had, a new relationship with him is at hand. And it can be whatever you want it to be, think of yourself first.

Again, every single day do something nice for yourself. Every single day wake up and make a goal and finish it. Even if its divorce related, one thing at a time. I woke up one day and decided that was the day I needed to start separating finances. I called bills, went to the bank etc. The next day I called the insurance company and got the policy separated to 2. EVery single day I became more and more confident in my abilities. I knew where I was headed and not hanging in limbo. LIMBO is what will force you to remain in a bad place.

Take care, and God Bless. I hope that every single day you are closer to the you you want to be!

Kelly

 

[TeresaNJ]

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