Wow, I was just looking at my tags, and seeing the one about Garth Brooks' song, "The Dance". It was always one of my favorite songs. In retrospect, this is one dance I wish I had missed.
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I am so sorry for what you are going through. Although not exactly the same, my husband and I went through a very rough time last year. He was in a bad place and took a lot of anger and frustration out on me. I don't like conflict so I took it and did not stand up for myself. Finally one day I asked myself if I deserved better than this and my answer was "yes." I also knew that choosing myself meant I needed to stand up for myself and in standing up for myself I would create conflict and I needed to be prepared that this might lead to divorce. For the next three months I cried, was depressed, anxious and felt I could barely go on. I mourned my marriage and began to plan for my life. I knew that I needed to go on for my girls. I did not want to get divorced but had to love me. It was so hard when I stood up for myself the first time and cried for hours afterwards. After a few more times I began to gain confidence in myself and knew that if our marriage ended I was true to myself. My husband was shocked when I stood up for myself, but after a while he realized that I was not going to take it and that I was prepared to leave if that is what it meant. I actually told him that if he continued to treat me the way that we was I wanted a divorce. He told me not to threaten him with something that I did not mean. I told him that although I did not want to get divorced it was not a threat and I meant it. Once he realized I was honest with him and myself we finally got to a place where we began to work things out.
I don't want a divorce and we are in a good place now, but I know I am worth taking care of. I will not let myself get bullied or pushed around. I will love myself and take care of myself. I hope the same for you.
You are worthy of love, you deserved to be treated well, you deserve to be cherished. Sending you lot of love and good thoughts.
During my hard times this was a poem that helped me focus on myself and how worthwhile I am.
The Journey by Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
...what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice - - -
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
'Mend my life!'
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations - - -
though their melancholy
was terrible.It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do - - - determined to save
the only life you could save.
