Parents of Teens: Boy/Girl Sleepovers? UPDATE ON PAGE 2

[tastelikecandy]

Originally posted by Robinrs
I bet the answer highly differs if you have a boy instead of a girl! The double standard LIVES!

When did it become acceptable??? I suppose when parents starting acting like children again. Allowing their kids to smoke, drink, dress like hooches, etc. I had bars on my window by 16 and I was not allowed to bring a boy in my room period. I am 30 years old and to this day I have way too much respect for my parents to even think about doing that in their home. I thank God I was raised by christian parents who always had to know where I was. No I did not get to go to all the drunken parties and have boy girl sleep overs but you know what, I am not an alcoholic, I do not drink, smoke, curse or have men over in front my children, nor do I allow them to do anything that is disrespectful to me or God. I did not get knocked up at 14 and have to have my family take care of me and the baby and I thank God everyday for my parents because if it were not for them I could have ended up like so many other girls. I think I turned out ok too. I have a masters degree in Abnormal Child Psychology, which is a direct result of me seeing how so many people raise their children, I own my own home, I am engaged to be married to the man of my dreams, I help others before I think about myself and I still believe in good old fashioned values like on little house on the prairie. "Stuck in the dark ages," you say. Maybe, but you know what, they did not have AIDS, and rampid teen pregnancy, and gang bangs etc. back then either. I wish I could have lived then.


SOrry so long but I guess the simple answer of when did this behavior become acceptable is little by little. We started letting our children do more and more until we hardly noticed it when they asked if they could have a co-ed sleepover.

 

[suzannen]

Wow, I guess things really have changed. When I was in high school and we had sleepovers (all-girl), the biggest thrill was to have the boys show up in the middle of the night and throw rocks at our windows. We'd then all giggle until the parents got up and yelled at them to go home.

Coed sleepover with alcohol doesn't sound like as much fun to me.

 

[Evil Princess]

Originally posted by tastelikecandy
When did it become acceptable??? I suppose when parents starting acting like children again. Allowing their kids to smoke, drink, dress like hooches, etc. I had bars on my window by 16 and I was not allowed to bring a boy in my room period. I am 30 years old and to this day I have way too much respect for my parents to even think about doing that in their home. I thank God I was raised by christian parents who always had to know where I was. No I did not get to go to all the drunken parties and have boy girl sleep overs but you know what, I am not an alcoholic, I do not drink, smoke, curse or have men over in front my children, nor do I allow them to do anything that is disrespectful to me or God. I did not get knocked up at 14 and have to have my family take care of me and the baby and I thank God everyday for my parents because if it were not for them I could have ended up like so many other girls. I think I turned out ok too. I have a masters degree in Abnormal Child Psychology, which is a direct result of me seeing how so many people raise their children, I own my own home, I am engaged to be married to the man of my dreams, I help others before I think about myself and I still believe in good old fashioned values like on little house on the prairie. "Stuck in the dark ages," you say. Maybe, but you know what, they did not have AIDS, and rampid teen pregnancy, and gang bangs etc. back then either. I wish I could have lived then.


SOrry so long but I guess the simple answer of when did this behavior become acceptable is little by little. We started letting our children do more and more until we hardly noticed it when they asked if they could have a co-ed sleepover.

You realize that Little House didn't have teen pregnancies because there was no such thing, they WERE pregnant and married when they were teenagers. Not being married at 25 was odd and you would be labeled an Old Maid.

My parents didn't allow me to smoke or do drugs, they would NEVER allow my boyfriend in my room alone with me, and they didn't encourage drinking...but they weren't stupid either. They told me the dangers of everything and didn't sugar coat the world. They realized that it was unrealistic to expect me NEVER to touch a drop of alcohol, and always instilled good values into their children.

I'm sorry but having a few drinks when you go out isn't going to mean that you'll wind up pregnant at an early age or never afford your own home or be a responsible human being.

Oh, and as for "gang bangs" not exisiting in the past, you do realize that back in ancient Rome they had drunken orgies in marble bathtubs, don't you? It's not like they were invented in the past century as a result of bad parenting.

 

[auntpolly]

The only thing that bothers me really is the fact that some parents might not know what they've signed up for when they let their daughter spend the night at her friend Katie's house. Does anyone agree with me?

I think, personally for my family, 16 is too young, but when my daughter was a senior in HS (17-18) if she was going one of her really good girl or guy friend's house and there might be drinking I'd rather she stayed over night because I didn't want her driving home. These were kids that I knew very well and knew their parents.

I knew people who let their kids do this at younger ages and I know kids my daughter's age now (20) that would never allow it -- but you know, it's really an individual decision that I'm only comfortable making for my own family - not somebody else's. I respect a parent's decision as long as they don't try to make it for my kid.

Unless all the parents are aware of the situation, no parent should ever let their kid have a co-ed sleepover.

PS -- someone made a good point about exposing their kids to this kind of stuff before they hit college. Some of those kids who never didi anything in HS really go wild with the suddenfreedom -- and I gotta say it ain't pretty.

 

[susy]

I went to the University of Florida , lived in my own apartment and NEVER had a guy sleep over (or slept at a guy's house). Nor did I get drunk. I did not have time. School is very hard work. I had plenty of time to socialize and I was a little sister at a very popular frat on campus. I saw many a foolish girl do foolish things. I guess my expectations for my child are very high. If he believes that going off to college means driniking and sleeping around, then he's in for a rude awakening. By the way, at school I did research at a hospital and saw some very distrubing facts. In the city of Gainesville, there are more abortions per year than live births-I'm sure most parents (of the girls and boys) don't know about those. Lots of adds in the school paper for abortion clinics. AND DS will have to earn the privelege of going away to school. Bottom line-you reap what you sow.

 

[Evil Princess]

Originally posted by susy
I went to the University of Florida , lived in my own apartment and NEVER had a guy sleep over (or slept at a guy's house). Nor did I get drunk. I did not have time. School is very hard work. I had plenty of time to socialize and I was a little sister at a very popular frat on campus. I saw many a foolish girl do foolish things. I guess my expectations for my child are very high. If he believes that going off to college means driniking and sleeping around, then he's in for a rude awakening. By the way, at school I did research at a hospital and saw some very distrubing facts. In the city of Gainesville, there are more abortions per year than live births-I'm sure most parents (of the girls and boys) don't know about those. Lots of adds in the school paper for abortion clinics. AND DS will have to earn the privelege of going away to school. Bottom line-you reap what you sow.

Not everyone turns out like you though. Many kids who have parents who are overprotective at college go CRAZY. They don't know what to do with all the newfound freedom. It would be more reasonable to let you child go to parties confident in the values that you instilled in them while in highschool than to not allow them and send them off to college unprepared for such social situation.

Most kids drink in college, and many of those kids never touched a drop of alcohol in high school. School IS hard work, but you know what? It's not high school, you have plenty of time to go to class, study, get your work done, and still party and get drunk on the weekends. I had to maintain over a 3.0 to keep my scholarship and I did it, all while partying on the weekends. I didn't sleep around and I didn't put myself in situations that I regret. I don't understand why so many people on these boards think that if their daughter drinks in college it's automatically going to wind up in pregnancy. Yes, it happens, I'm not denying that, but it's not the norm.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by susy
I went to the University of Florida , lived in my own apartment and NEVER had a guy sleep over (or slept at a guy's house). Nor did I get drunk. I did not have time. School is very hard work. I had plenty of time to socialize and I was a little sister at a very popular frat on campus. I saw many a foolish girl do foolish things. I guess my expectations for my child are very high. If he believes that going off to college means driniking and sleeping around, then he's in for a rude awakening. By the way, at school I did research at a hospital and saw some very distrubing facts. In the city of Gainesville, there are more abortions per year than live births-I'm sure most parents (of the girls and boys) don't know about those. Lots of adds in the school paper for abortion clinics. AND DS will have to earn the privelege of going away to school. Bottom line-you reap what you sow.

I never went drinking or to parties where people were drinking, sleeping around in HS, and stayed the same through college. Now I'm 27 and still don't really drink much. Maybe wine with dinner or something but that's about it.

 

[auntpolly]

Originally posted by susy
I went to the University of Florida , lived in my own apartment and NEVER had a guy sleep over (or slept at a guy's house). Nor did I get drunk. I did not have time. School is very hard work. I had plenty of time to socialize and I was a little sister at a very popular frat on campus. I saw many a foolish girl do foolish things. I guess my expectations for my child are very high. If he believes that going off to college means driniking and sleeping around, then he's in for a rude awakening.

Never drunk or no drinking at all? Just curious. I think my daughter can socialize with alcohol without getting drunk and sleeping around. I mean, she does it. She's really active in sports and the college paper, is on the dean's list all the time, and really loves her classes -- but I know she's not sipping coca cola at those frat parties. Would you tell your kid no drinking at all?

You are right about the sleeping around goin hand in hand with being drunk, though. My daughter tells me stories that make me sick with worry over some of the girls in her hall. That's why I've always tried to teach balance and moderation -- with really everything in life.

 

[Evil Princess]

Originally posted by auntpolly
Never drunk or no drinking at all? Just curious. I think my daughter can socialize with alcohol without getting drunk and sleeping around. I mean, she does it. She's really active in sports and the college paper, is on the dean's list all the time, and really loves her classes -- but I know she's not sipping coca cola at those frat parties. Would you tell your kid no drinking at all?

You are right about the sleeping around goin hand in hand with being drunk, though. My daughter tells me stories that make me sick with worry over some of the girls in her hall. That's why I've always tried to teach balance and moderation -- with really everything in life.

Finally, a parent who understands what I'm trying to say

I was beginning to think I was the only one on here who saw things for what they are.

 

[dizagain]

...not all kids who abstain from "partying" in HS end up going crazy in college. As I said earlier, I hung out with everyone in HS and was around drinking, smoking, etc. all the time (not drugs, although now I look back and think I probably just didn't know!). I just chose not to participate and had fun anyway and not one kid ever teased me or tried to pressure me into anything EVER - unless they were just joking around. I had confidence in myself because of my up-bringing and flame me if you want, but peer pressure is an excuse in my opinion.

Anyway, I went to college and had a blast. It was so much fun having friends 24/7 and doing silly stuff. Yes, I decided to try alchohol second semester and wasn't too impressed. A couple of drinking nights and I was done. So, I didn't go crazy due to my lack of HS experience.

I'm teaching my kids the way my parents (and DH's) taught me. I am quite sure they will be around sticky situations and kids smoking, drinking, etc...I just plan to teach them how to handle them. I'm not planning to lock them in a closet or anything!

 

[auntpolly]

Originally posted by Evil Princess
Finally, a parent who understands what I'm trying to say

I was beginning to think I was the only one on here who saw things for what they are.

Hey at least there are 2 of us! And I'm just saying what's worked for me. My daughter is just so great and I trust her completely. Never gave me any reason not to.

 

[Evil Princess]

Originally posted by dizagain
...not all kids who abstain from "partying" in HS end up going crazy in college. As I said earlier, I hung out with everyone in HS and was around drinking, smoking, etc. all the time (not drugs, although now I look back and think I probably just didn't know!). I just chose not to participate and had fun anyway and not one kid ever teased me or tried to pressure me into anything EVER - unless they were just joking around. I had confidence in myself because of my up-bringing and flame me if you want, but peer pressure is an excuse in my opinion.

Anyway, I went to college and had a blast. It was so much fun having friends 24/7 and doing silly stuff. Yes, I decided to try alchohol second semester and wasn't too impressed. A couple of drinking nights and I was done. So, I didn't go crazy due to my lack of HS experience.

I'm teaching my kids the way my parents (and DH's) taught me. I am quite sure they will be around sticky situations and kids smoking, drinking, etc...I just plan to teach them how to handle them. I'm not planning to lock them in a closet or anything!

And I do understand that sometimes kids turn out the way you did, but the fact is that it's just not the norm, and a parent also has to think that way.

 

[Planogirl]

I think that a lot of kids party while on campus and their parents just plain never know about it. Why would they share the information anyway?

I hope to teach our son how to handle himself around people and temptation. That is really the best we can do IMO particularly when he gets to college age.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

As a HS teacher I see a lot of sides of this. I know kids who have had perfectly safe co-ed sleepovers, honors kids and drama club cast parties, etc. I also know of sophomore girls who strip naked for the guys at parties and girls who start making out with each other because they are so drunk they don't know what the heck they are doing, and they are the talk of the school the next Monday (I have excellent hearing, BTW and I get a lot of info the more hard-of-hearing teachers don't). So much of it depends on the kid. I tell kids they can drink one or two drinks and stop--but so many of them drink until they are passed out or puking. Someday ask me about the stories I heard about most of our JV baseball team playing "beer bong baseball".
As for me, there won't be any condoned drinking here. I think DD#1, at 12, already knows enough not to ask. You know, it's like the DARE kids are given dozens of excuses for not doing drugs or drinking--I just don't believe in letting kids drink, but if DD#1 needs an excuse why I'm so "uncool" she can just tell them about the Ohio laws regarding hosting parties--you can lose everything, even your home, if something happens.
I'm another one of those kids who didn't drink until grade 12 (and AHEM age 18 was legal for 3.2 beer then) and didn't do drugs either, and in college I was so focused on my GPA that I probably only got drunk 2 times. After 2 years I started commuting from home because most of the girls in my dorm were so party-focused it was distracting. Geeky? Maybe, but I graduated with a 3.86 and confined my social drinking to when I was with my then-BF (now DH). The key is that SOME of the kids who have parents with rules in HS go nuts in college--not all. If they have the good moral background I believe they won't.
BTW, we go to a church with a great youth group, but don't think church sleepovers or camps are 100% safe either. Sometimes kids bring friends from other churches, or who don't go to church at all, who aren't doing attending for the spiritual uplift, if you know what I mean!
Robin M.

 

[dizagain]

You know, I understand what you're saying. I promise I'm not living in a bubble, and I don't have my girls in one either. DD, 8, does tend to cause my hair to turn gray (that's my explanation for it anyway!) and I can't imagine what the next 10-15 years will bring!! I am just doing what I can to give her the education she needs to make smart choices and I just don't personally plan to include supervised drinking, etc., in my lesson plans. Now, DD, 10, on the other hand, needs to LOOSEN UP! Being a parent is quite interesting, isn't it?

 

[Evil Princess]

Originally posted by dizagain
You know, I understand what you're saying. I promise I'm not living in a bubble, and I don't have my girls in one either. DD, 8, does tend to cause my hair to turn gray (that's my explanation for it anyway!) and I can't imagine what the next 10-15 years will bring!! I am just doing what I can to give her the education she needs to make smart choices and I just don't personally plan to include supervised drinking, etc., in my lesson plans. Now, DD, 10, on the other hand, needs to LOOSEN UP! Being a parent is quite interesting, isn't it?

A parent doesn't have to include supervised drinking in their plan to raise their children, and I understand that parenting is a difficult job, the most difficult job that one can have. It's something that you go into thinking you have a definite plan for and wind up getting thrown around from time to time.

I respect however you chose to raise your daughters, I just feel that those who are completely against their children ever drinking while underage are a little unrealistic.

 

[auntpolly]

Originally posted by dizagain
I am just doing what I can to give her the education she needs to make smart choices and I just don't personally plan to include supervised drinking, etc., in my lesson plans.

Just one more thing and then I'll shut up - promise! I didn't plan on that either when my DD was your kids age. It's not like I thought when she was in 3rd grade , "When she's around 18, I'll let her stay over night at a guy's house and drink beer!"

Maybe if she was a different kid I wouldn't have let her but when the time came and these situations came up, we evaluated them and decided what we thought would work for her.