Parents of only children - any regrets

[NotUrsula]

No one else's posts bothered me except for yours. I know I can't stop anyone from judging me and I accept that but this just seems particularly nasty. As if losing a 3rd child isn't enough pain to live through. If other people could accept that much risk if trying for another pregnancy then more power to them, but who are you to infer that I haven't already suffered enough? As if I should keep trying for another 10 years? At what point would you consider my suffering enough to justify making this choice that you obviously disagree with?

I'm sorry; it was never my intention to be hurtful or to imply that it was the wrong decision to make, and I want to apologize that it impressed you that way. The decision that is the right one for you is never for anyone else to condemn as wrong. However, you *are* young, and sterilization is an irrevocable decision. While I would never assume that you would take it lightly, I think that it is possible that you might be taking it from a perspective colored by grief and perhaps even depression. After a loss like that, grief is still very raw for most people even a year later.

I'm not going to be trite and say that time heals all wounds, because it doesn't. Some things hurt forever at some level, and this is one of them. However, it is so much time, and so possible that so many things could change in that time, that it seems a shame to permanently close off all your options at so young an age when it is apparent that you would prefer to have another child. However, if you truly would feel best at peace with the whole question permanently rendered moot right away, then obviously you should follow what your mind and heart tell you to do. (And just to be clear, that isn't meant to be code for "examine your conscience and it will tell you this is the wrong this to do." I mean quite literally that it is your body and it is your own decision and no one elses, and I don't think that "conscience" comes into it at all.)

I said it before and I'll say it again. I do not think that there is anything at all tragic or wrong with either being or having an only child, any more than there is anything tragic or wrong with being one of several siblings. Families very happily come in all shapes and sizes.

 

[NMAmy]

Oh, for heaven's sake. Many, many people are perfectly content having an only child or being an only child. Parents of only children are not selfish and only children are not automatically spoiled brats.

You know, if you want your child to have a sibling have at it. But please quit judging those who have one child by choice or are unwillingly the parents of an only child.

If you want to have no kids, one kid, two kids or a dozen--as long as it's your decision and you can support 'em, go for it. But just because someone else didn't make exactly your choices, doesn't make them wrong. And, frankly, it's none of your business.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

I'm sorry; it was never my intention to be hurtful or to imply that it was the wrong decision to make, and I want to apologize that it impressed you that way. The decision that is the right one for you is never for anyone else to condemn as wrong. However, you *are* young, and sterilization is an irrevocable decision. While I would never assume that you would take it lightly, I think that it is possible that you might be taking it from a perspective colored by grief and perhaps even depression. After a loss like that, grief is still very raw for most people even a year later.

I'm not going to be trite and say that time heals all wounds, because it doesn't. Some things hurt forever at some level, and this is one of them. However, it is so much time, and so possible that so many things could change in that time, that it seems a shame to permanently close off all your options at so young an age when it is apparent that you would prefer to have another child. However, if you truly would feel best at peace with the whole question permanently rendered moot right away, then obviously you should follow what your mind and heart tell you to do. (And just to be clear, that isn't meant to be code for "examine your conscience and it will tell you this is the wrong this to do." I mean quite literally that it is your body and it is your own decision and no one elses, and I don't think that "conscience" comes into it at all.)

I said it before and I'll say it again. I do not think that there is anything at all tragic or wrong with either being or having an only child, any more than there is anything tragic or wrong with being one of several siblings. Families very happily come in all shapes and sizes.

I am so sorry I misunderstood your intentions. Thanks for the explanation. As much as I toss around the idea of DH getting a vasectomy I'm not sure he or I could actually do it. It's just so hard. The unknown is the hardest part for me. I guess I am somewhat of a control freak and I like everything to be planned - Disney trips and my life.

 

[The Orchid]

I'm going to answer from a bit of a different perspective. I am an only child OF an only child. Being the only child and the only grandchild on both sides did have a few perks, but all in all, I really missed having siblings. Now that I'm in my 60's, I miss having family. My parents and grandparents are all gone, and my only family is my DH and our 2 kids. Our kids are 6 years apart, and I was getting worried that we would have yet another "only" generation. Sad to say, neither of my adult children have children either, and since one is 40 and the other is 34, it isn't looking like it's going to happen at all.

Even if you need to adopt to make it happen, I'd suggest giving your child a sibling.

Perfectly stated..

Seems many posts are about the here & now. Very few are looking down the road at your child's future.
Of course most only child say it's fine as a child, there are usually many perks that go along with it, I was looking at the bigger picture when the parents are gone.

So you both believe that having a sibling gives you some kind of security? I have a brother. I adored him as I was growing up. Do you know how long it has been since I've seen or talked with him? Sixteen years! That's when I came out as a lesbian. He won't even talk to my mother because she approves of my "lifestyle."

So take it from one of many people who do not have relationships with their siblings for one reason or another, having brothers or sisters do not guarantee that you will have any security and support upon the passing of your parents.

To those who are raising an only child; as long as you raise your son or daughter to be kind, loving and giving, he or she will have absolutely no problem finding people to give them love when you pass on. The whole concept of conceiving a "friend" for your children is invalid. If they are good people, they will have all the love, friendship and companionship they need.

 

[hornedfrog]

My brother and I are not best friends, but we see each other regularly and it is a given that we will always have each other's backs. We've seen each other through a lot over the decades.

I really feel that the best gift I gave my daughter was a sister. They are in the other room giggling and telling secrets right now. I hope that they, at least, share the bond that I have with my brother.

But it is a completely personal decision and I think most people's views are colored by their experiences. My DBF is an only and is one of the sweetest, most giving people I've ever known. Its not all about nuture...or nature...

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

So you both believe that having a sibling gives you some kind of security? I have a brother. I adored him as I was growing up. Do you know how long it has been since I've seen or talked with him? Sixteen years! That's when I came out as a lesbian. He won't even talk to my mother because she approves of my "lifestyle."

So take it from one of many people who do not have relationships with their siblings for one reason or another, having brothers or sisters do not guarantee that you will have any security and support upon the passing of your parents.

To those who are raising an only child; as long as you raise your son or daughter to be kind, loving and giving, he or she will have absolutely no problem finding people to give them love when you pass on. The whole concept of conceiving a "friend" for your children is invalid. If they are good people, they will have all the love, friendship and companionship they need.

I never said it was guaranteed that there would be friendship. IMHO it's nice that a child has that option.

The people that are having the hardest time with this thread are the ones that have decided not to have a relationship with their siblings. Your choice.

As an only child I wish I had a sibling, period. Do I have friends that I love as sisters 100% yes & I would never opt to not have them in our lives. It is still not a sibling from your parents with the same environment to have grown up in.

NMAmy , the OP asked for opinions so it is our business to post if we so choose.

 

[HelenePA]

My mom was an only, my grandmother was an only both are gone. I have no one left on my mom's side of my family. At first with all the problems I had with my first dd I thought oh hell no I dont wanna do this again but with dr's assurances that it probably wouldn't happen again we went for a brother or sister for her... I'm so glad I did.. My kids are the best of friends. I hope they continue their friendship all of their adult life. Me and my brother are close I talk to him almost daily. He comes and babysits for me. He loves my kids. I am VERY VERY lucky to have him. I was supposed to be an only but Oops.. I'm so glad. It was hard enough going thru the death of both my parents before I was 30. I dont think I would have been able to do with with out him. Oh yeah we hated each other growing up. I mean HATED! Thankfully we both grew out of that.

 

[DznyLvr2005]

I have one child and had 2 m/c's before her. I'm 32. Sometimes I think I could have a 2nd. But I don't know. I don't want to go thru 9 months of Hell again thinking something will go wrong. My DD gets 100% of my attention all day long since I'm a SAHM. I can't see right now me having to split attention.. but I'm sure my motherly instinct would kick in if I had to.. lol
But you are still very young, you have plenty of time to have another one if you want

 

[mom2aredhead]

I never said it was guaranteed that there would be friendship. IMHO it's nice that a child has that option.

The people that are having the hardest time with this thread are the ones that have decided not to have a relationship with their siblings. Your choice.

As an only child I wish I had a sibling, period. Do I have friends that I love as sisters 100% yes & I would never opt to not have them in our lives. It is still not a sibling from your parents with the same environment to have grown up in.

NMAmy , the OP asked for opinions so it is our business to post if we so choose.

I have a relationship with one sibling and not the other, and I am not "having a hard time" with this thread. I think most of us that pointed that out did so as a reminder - just because you give birth to 2 people does not make them automatically close, and they may or may not have a relationship with each other when they are older.
So...if someone is considering having another child ONLY because they want their child to have a "friend for life" someone to "lean on" someone who will always "be there", it may or may not happen. And frankly, IMHO, that's a terrible reason to bring a child into the world anyway. People should have children (whether it be 1 or 12) because they want to, they feel in their gut it's the right choice for them, and both parents are in agreement that its the right choice for their family. Not so that their only child will have someone else to help with the funeral arrangements.

Like I said previously, my only is by choice. People may or may not agree with that. I bottle fed him. People may or may not agree with that. We go to Disney 2-3 times a year. People may or may not agrree with that. No matter what parenting decision I make, I am fairly certain that someone somewhere will disagree with it. I used to try to defend my family when the stereotypes were thrown out, but its pointless because at the end of the day I am the mother of a great kid, we're a happy family I honestly don't care what people think.

Surely we've all heard the phrase "the grass is always greener", and I think that applies here as well.

 

[CathrynRose]

As previously stated, I am an only, and yes - the world does indeed revolve around me.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

Like I stated previously my DH is an only child too and he is the most amazing man - hard working, thoughtful, generous, and a great father. My brother on the other hand is pretty annoying and he has a sibling - me. Just wanted to stand up for the onlys a little.

I appreciate both hearing both sides - with anything there are always pros and cons.

 

[DznyLvr2005]

as previously stated, i am an only, and yes - the world does indeed revolve around me.

lol!

 

[Kit'smommy]

I never said it was guaranteed that there would be friendship. IMHO it's nice that a child has that option.

The people that are having the hardest time with this thread are the ones that have decided not to have a relationship with their siblings. Your choice.

As an only child I wish I had a sibling, period. Do I have friends that I love as sisters 100% yes & I would never opt to not have them in our lives. It is still not a sibling from your parents with the same environment to have grown up in.

NMAmy , the OP asked for opinions so it is our business to post if we so choose.

People do not always "decide" to have or not have a relationship with their siblings. Whether you grow up in the same enviroment with a sibling or not, you can end up as very different people with absolutely nothing in common other than shared parents. I love my brother and have no issues with him. I know he feels the same about me. However, we have literally no shared interests. We have few joint friends. He has close relationships with other more distant family members that I do not favor. I am close to other cousins and aunts that he doesn't like. We care about few of the same material things.

Honestly, I have lifelong friends that are closer to me than my brother. Maybe a shame, but that is the way it is. Sometimes it takes more than some shared genetics to make a connection to someone. Having a relationship with someone is a two way street. It is not just a choice.

And I know that he is there financially for our parents, but I am the one that ends up with the responsibility and stress over their day to day needs and always will be.

 

[The Orchid]

The people that are having the hardest time with this thread are the ones that have decided not to have a relationship with their siblings. Your choice.

I have a great relationship with my other brother!!!!!! I was merely illustrating the fact that there are no guarantees that a pair of siblings will be friends! Besides, I don't think anybody "has a hard time with this thread." I think some of us feel frustrated because we know that all families are equally good (assuming there is no major dysfunction of course). There are pros and cons to having siblings and there are pros and cons to being an only. It's the job of the parents to help their child(ren) see the positive in whatever type of family they happen to be born to! Both kinds of families are wonderful as long as there is love. It really is that simple.

 

[The Orchid]

One of the biggest life lessons I have learned is that blood is not thicker than water...at all. Being part of the gay community has made me realize that. Most of my family and friends accepted me (except for the bigot brother), but I have known dozens, if not hundreds of people who have been abandoned by members of their families, and in some cases, their entire families. Those people quickly find new families in bonds with people who don't share a single drop of the same blood. Frankly, I have found that "chosen" families are frequently more cohesive than the blood families. I just don't see the need to be so worked up over blood and having siblings.

 

[SydSim]

I know a lot of only children that have trouble to adjusting to the fact that the whole world doesn't revolve around them, and I know very few that DON'T act that way.

Funny, I know a lot of people with siblings who think that the world revolves around them. Their siblings just roll their eyes when they come around. My middle sister is one of them

Dd is an only and occasionally feels that way. We set her straight very quickly

I love having an only - we are the three musketeers. She asks for a sibling several times a year. She has many cousins, aunts and uncles. If something happens to me and DH at the same time, I would hope that everyone would be there for her.

 

[a paper star]

I am also an only child. I am 24. My parents divorced when I was five and neither of them have remarried or had children. My mother is unable to have anymore children. I do enjoy being an only child but I also wonder what it would be like to have a sibling. I don't think I'm that spoiled maybe a little but I certainly don't get everything I want. I can be selfish or self-centered at times but I know of people who are the youngest of their siblings and carry those traits. I think it depends on the person and how you are raised.

 

[pppiglet]

We have an only child also. He's 25 now and I don't regret it. He's glad he's an only child also. We have been able to take him everywhere with us and he's been on 3 cruises that would never have happened with siblings. On the other hand, we now have 10 cats that keep us busy and they are like children!

 

[sturdypeasantstock]

This is so true in my life as well. A best friend may be able to substitute for a sister......as long as she doesn't have a sister herself!!! My best friend is my son's godfather...she's got a huge family and I wasn't even INVITED to the baptism for her baby! She is very close with her sister and her sisters in law and doesn't understand why her friends feelings get hurt. Since I don't have a sister, or even a sister in law, I tend to invite friends to celebrate momentous occasions with us. People with large families keep it to family only.

My brother and I are almost 9 years apart, and he was only 9 when I moved out and got married. He acts very much like an only child, and I don't mean that in a good way. It has us VERY torn about whether or not we should have a 4th. I know a lot of only children that have trouble to adjusting to the fact that the whole world doesn't revolve around them, and I know very few that DON'T act that way.

I, OTOH, HATED being an only child those first 9 years. I asked for a brother or sister for Christmas every year! Even though my brother and were 9 years apart, I loved having him around and spoiling him rotten!

I think your comments about only children are insensitive and rude.

 

[sturdypeasantstock]

I think that's a very harsh statement to make. While that may apply to the only children you know personally, it is unfair to paint all only children with such a broad brush. I am an only child, as well as my DD, and I can tell you that I certainly DON'T act that way, and I am doing everything in my power to make sure I raise my DD not to act like that. My SIL, however, was the baby of the family, spoiled rotten, and still believes the world revolves around her. Being self-centered is NOT mutally exclusive with being an only child.

OP, you need to do what is best for you and your family, but I want you to know that it is OK for a child to be an only. I had pneumonia three times before the age of three, and by then, my mom and dad were too emotionally and physically worn out to consider having another child. I LOVED being an only, and never wanted a sibling. My parents were very loving, allowed me to have friends over whenever I asked, taught me that even though I was the center of their universe, I was not THE center of the universe, and taught me to be thoughtful and respectful of others feelings and needs. I was not spoiled, but just by virtue of being the only child in the family, I was more fortunate than many of my friends, and I was taught to be grateful for that and not take anything for granted. I was also a very imaginitive child, and a very advanced reader because when I couldn't have friends over, I had to entertain myself. Because of that, I excelled in school and the arts.(Look at that list of famous onlies the PP posted! Talk about excelling!) The thought of taking care of aging parents doesn't scare me; my parents have provided well for their future care, and when they're gone, I will (hopefully!) still have DH, DD, my extended family, and DH's family. It will be just fine. (My uncles don't help my mother in caring for my 82 year old grandmother with dementia, so people are correct in saying siblings will be there to help. They aren't always!)

Now, my DD is an only, and I am raising her the same way. We have been fortunate to provide activities and experiences for her that we would have not been able to do if we had more children, and I think she has benefited from that. She is very social, and enjoys having friends around, but has also learned how to entertain herself in interesting and innovative ways. She has cousins on my DH's side of the family, and second cousins on my side that are only a few years older than she is, so she is not missing out on that experience. She has only wished for a sibling once. It's actually a funny story; she was bored one summer day, and said that if she had a brother or sister, she would have someone to play with, and why didn't we have more kids? Later, she invited over a couple of friends, who happened to be sisters, and when they walked in the door, they were obviously fighting. The older sister said to my DD, "You are SOOOOO lucky you are an only child!!". It just goes to show that sometimes, the grass is greener...

I know this is long, but it's an issue that always fires me up. When people say negative things about onlies, I take it personally, because I turned out just fine, DD is turning out just fine, and I hate it when people make generalizations like that. OP, do what is right for you. You will love your children, no matter how many you have, and you will make sure to do what's best for them so they will grow up to be happy, secure, well-adjusted adults. It will be just fine, whether there's one or five!

Thank you for saying that, Karibeth. I am an only also and I am appalled by the some of the nasty generalizations that some people make about onlies. I know PLENTY of spoiled kids (and adults) that have siblings.