Parents of only children - any regrets

[2cats1kid]

I am youngest of 3, but there is 14 years between me and my next nearest sibling, so I felt like an only as from when I was 4 I was the only one at home. I was very happy with my own company (and even now am quite happy on my own) and never felt the lack of a closer sibling.

We have one DD (11) and although she has asked for siblings (and did again recently, as there is a baby in the family again - my sister's first grandchild) she is happy as she is. She knows that with more children we wouldn't have been able to educate her privately and she wouldn't play 3 musical instruments, so her selfish side kicks in!

She does say she wants several children, but at her age I wanted 3 and then reality struck me! I hated being pregnant and was sick from 6 weeks till I had her, so I really didn't want to go through it again.

 

[Kit'smommy]

I am an only child & it is something I would never do to a child.

Wow...What a statement. Parents sometimes don't get much choice in that matter.

I had DS over 5 years ago after a MC and 4 years of trying to get PG again. I just turned 36 and I think he is going to be an only, even though I really want to have another child. Sometimes plans to get pregnant or adopt just don't work out the way you might have hoped.

I have very little contact with my brother (3 years older) and we were not close growing up. Having a sibling does not guarantee that you will be close.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

How about opinons from only children?

I'm very happy I'm an only. There was a time when I was very young I thought it might be nice to have a younger brother, but when I got a bit older I saw what trouble younger siblings were for my friends and changed my mind. I had brothers, to a certain extent. My parents' best friends' sons were my age and we were as close as can be. My mother was also an only child. If I have a girl first, it's a good bet I'll take the hint and stop right there.

As to being the only one there to care for elderly parents, I don't really see that as an issue. My parents have been planning all their lives so that I don't have to worry about that kind of thing. They do not expect me to care for them.

 

[NMAmy]

Wow...What a statement. Parents sometimes don't get much choice in that matter.

Exactly. If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's to never say never. There are plenty of things I thought I'd never do only to have life intervene.

There are way worse things in the world than to be a well loved only child.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Wow...What a statement. Parents sometimes don't get much choice in that matter.

I had DS over 5 years ago after a MC and 4 years of trying to get PG again. I just turned 36 and I think he is going to be an only, even though I really want to have another child. Sometimes plans to get pregnant or adopt just don't work out the way you might have hoped.

I have very little contact with my brother (3 years older) and we were not close growing up. Having a sibling does not guarantee that you will be close.

5 miscarriages here, one pregnancy was actually twins.

Nothing is guaranteed but there are also choices people make about who they have relationships with. IMO giving your child a chance to have a sibling relationship is extremely important.

 

[RadioNate]

Wow...What a statement. Parents sometimes don't get much choice in that matter.

I had DS over 5 years ago after a MC and 4 years of trying to get PG again. I just turned 36 and I think he is going to be an only, even though I really want to have another child. Sometimes plans to get pregnant or adopt just don't work out the way you might have hoped.

I have very little contact with my brother (3 years older) and we were not close growing up. Having a sibling does not guarantee that you will be close.

I get where BOTH of you are coming from. I found being an only child very lonely and like the poster you quoted I really didn't want to do that to my children. Don't get me wrong I'm fine but I did always want a sibling. That is something that people with siblings can't understand. As a young child I used to lie to people about my brother or sister. It was sad. And it very much influenced my choice to have more than one child even after years of trying and miscarriages.

BUT I also know where you are coming from. I took had lots of miscarriages and it took 6 years to conceive DD after DS was born.

And I think all of us only realize that nothing is guaranteed but you at least had a chance to have a close sibling relationship. We don't have that.

I know I have a sort of fantasy view of what having siblings would be like and I have seen the reality though DH and friends but they still have a closer bond than regular friendships even if they don't always get along.

Just wanted to respond to one of your points here. I have two siblings (both married, one had a child), and I have never been a maid of honor or a godmother. I might be a MOH someday if my best friend ever meets Mr. Right.

This was a response to me about the fact that in my life the sibling bond has always trumped the friend bond. But in my case when my best friend got married she picked her sister as MOH even though they aren't close. In fact, I don't think they even like each other much but they were sisters and that is what sisters do....

 

[rabyoga]

As a parent of an only child, I (and my hubby) have no regrets. We have a happy, well-adjusted child. But I do get angry when people tell me that I'm selfish ( I had a co-worker say that to my face.) and that I'm ruining my child by not giving her a sibling relationship. I don't understand the underlying anger or resentment of people towards those of us who have only children (whether or not we choose it or not).

 

[Ember]

I can't speak from a parents point of view, but I am an only child so I can speak from that. I loved being an only child.

As a kid, I was always included in the "adult" things so I was always more mature. I wasn't spoiled or over-indulged, in fact my mum always made sure I knew there were other kids who had less then me. We donated 1/2 my Halloween candy to the hospital for kids who didn't get to go trick-or-treating and at Christmas we went shopping at the toy store where I would use part of my savings to buy gifts for kids who wouldn't otherwise get anything. (I do a big shop each year now to carry on the tradition.)

Even now that my mum has been diagnosed with terminal cancer I don't regret being an only child. I have seen the disgraceful behavior of some siblings when a parent dies and am glad there will be none of that. If there comes a time when a choice has to made with regards to life support I'm glad I will not be challenged there either. As if that isn't going to be hard enough, I can't imagine arguing over it. And I am glad that I could move home to care for her without any jealousy or arguments there either.

I will be sad that my small family will be even smaller, but it's not the number of people who make a happy family it's the love you share. I remember my husband (years ago, back in high school) having a huge family Christmas. I remember thinking that must be nice. Then he told me he was envious of me, with just my mum and I, and our small holiday. We always had so much fun playing games, watching movies, and ordering dinner in!

Anyway, I didn't mean to ramble on, I just wanted to offer a different perspective. I wouldn't change being an only child for anything. And I don't feel anything lacking, either.

 

[Ember]

But I do get angry when people tell me that I'm selfish ( I had a co-worker say that to my face.) and that I'm ruining my child by not giving her a sibling relationship. I don't understand the underlying anger or resentment of people towards those of us who have only children (whether or not we choose it or not).

Yeah, people suck sometimes. Unfortunately I think there are people who wish they hadn't had kids. Not that they regret then, per se, but they feel trapped in their lives and it isn't the rosy picture they imagined it to be.

I've noticed that it's generally people who are unhappy with their own life choices who feel the need to judge others. As if by making the same choices as them, it somehow justifies and reinforces their own. Those who are genuinely happy don't feel the need to do this.

Try being the person who may not have kids. I have been called all kinds of names and been made to feel awful. I haven't even ruled kids out, I'm just not sure.

 

[Kristineamb]

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2016545

 

[NotUrsula]

To me a pregnancy is the possibility of another huge heartbreak and I don't want to go through that again.

It may seem silly to think through all this instead of just "letting things happen", but like I said, it may just be too big of a risk for me emotionally.

Not, it's not silly at all. It's human. I've been there, to that place where pregnancy is a 9-month deathwatch, and yes, I agree that it can be hellish. There was no way I was going to go seeking it, but in the end I did decide that if the planets aligned just right and a pregnancy happened to me again, that I was willing to deal with it -- privately.

The privately part was huge for me. With this last pregnancy I never made any announcement, and I didn't tell any of my extended family until she was here. (They got mad at me for that, but tough nougies.) The thing that I always found the hardest was dealing with all the well-meaning people who gushed about how happy we must be, when we were both white-knuckled all the way. That decision also took away the dread of having to tell people about yet another death.

The thing is, you can't bar the door to Death. It comes when it comes, and trying to pretend that it is possible to avoid it doesn't really work in the end. Have you read about the Japanese tradition of Jizo? If you haven't read Peggy Orenstein's NYTimes article about it, you might want to. (Warning, it is a bit sad, because it is the story of her own personal experience with it.) Anyway, here is the link: http://www.peggyorenstein.com/articles/2002_mourning_miscarriage.html

I hope that you find some peace and the strength to make whatever decision is best for your family, no matter what that turns out to be.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

This was a response to me about the fact that in my life the sibling bond has always trumped the friend bond. But in my case when my best friend got married she picked her sister as MOH even though they aren't close. In fact, I don't think they even like each other much but they were sisters and that is what sisters do....

This is so true in my life as well. A best friend may be able to substitute for a sister......as long as she doesn't have a sister herself!!! My best friend is my son's godfather...she's got a huge family and I wasn't even INVITED to the baptism for her baby! She is very close with her sister and her sisters in law and doesn't understand why her friends feelings get hurt. Since I don't have a sister, or even a sister in law, I tend to invite friends to celebrate momentous occasions with us. People with large families keep it to family only.

My brother and I are almost 9 years apart, and he was only 9 when I moved out and got married. He acts very much like an only child, and I don't mean that in a good way. It has us VERY torn about whether or not we should have a 4th. I know a lot of only children that have trouble to adjusting to the fact that the whole world doesn't revolve around them, and I know very few that DON'T act that way.

I, OTOH, HATED being an only child those first 9 years. I asked for a brother or sister for Christmas every year! Even though my brother and were 9 years apart, I loved having him around and spoiling him rotten!

 

[Fintastic]

I am an only child & it is something I would never do to a child.

Huh. Out of the many things that come to mind that I'd never "do" to my child, I can say this doesn't even come on the radar. Hitting her, leaving her home alone, etc. are things I'll never "do" to her.

I can honestly say that I love having an only child! It's great! You invite kids over and the best part is when they start to argue, you can send the other kids home! Peace is wonderful. It's easier to go out and do things because you're only paying for one child vs. two or more. It's nice because there are more parents than children, so we can either double-team or take turns, giving one parent a break at a time. I don't have to buy equal amounts of Christmas presents (because kids notice things like that). If DD is sick, I only have to deal with one child throwing up instead of it invariably passing along to the next.

That said, you can see my ticker. Baby #2 is going to be here next month. It was a hard decision for us and took years. I came to the conclusion that while having an only child was best for me, DD would probably be better off with a sibling. A big factor for us was thinking of her being alone after we're both gone. She'll have friends and she'll have a husband who will probably have family, etc., but it's not the same as having her own. We want her to be able to share "remember when" stories with somebody who actually does remember when. And they may never be best friends, true, but if there's never a sibling, there's never even a chance.

It was just a matter of weighing how important I felt it was for me to have an only child vs. how important we felt it was for her to have a sibling, and the sibling option won out. Barely. I'm nervous about starting all over with a newborn, but I did it before, so I can do it again! And I know once the baby's here we'll wonder how we ever did without him, just like his sister.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

I think you child will be fine either way.. THat being said..I have three and my house is always noisy and my kids occasionally bicker but there are those moments.... moments that I cherish.... all of the kids and the dog tumbling onto our little Queen sized bed..... the kids putting on little shows for us.... Big sister screaming at a kid at the playground for hurting her little sister.... the first time my girls walked hand in hand into the Magic Kingdom and their infectious giggling when they got to meet Belle. Your child will have special moments in their life with or without a sibling, but I can't imagine just one.

 

[NMAmy]

Try being the person who may not have kids. I have been called all kinds of names and been made to feel awful. I haven't even ruled kids out, I'm just not sure.

I'm sorry that people have made you feel awful over that decision. Thank you for your post from the viewpoint of an only child who was happy with their childhood without siblings.

I guess I'm not understanding the turn this thread has taken. The OP asked for information from parents of only children and how they felt about their decision further down the road. While the viewpoints from only children are interesting and pertinent, I don't understand these posts from those with more than one child who think that having an only is not the right thing for them.
I mean, the OP has stated that she's heartbroken over this, why try to make her feel badly about something she doesn't have a whole lot of control over? She's trying to come to terms with having an only child not asking why we felt we must have more than one child.

 

[TheBigBadWolf]

My DD is an only child. She is an adult now and I have never regretted having only one child. In fact I am thrilled about it when I see my friends' kids getting in trouble and driving them crazy. My DD is more spoiled and self centered than I would like, but I blame my XH and his DM for that. They did spoil her terribly and she is more spoiled than I would like. I like to think that will change when she marries and has a child(ren) of her own.

 

[tonilea]

We are parents of an only - through no decision of our own. I totally understand where you are coming from.

I haven't taken BC since 1994. I had a molar pg in '95 - talk about scary! Not only do you NOT get a baby, you might have a carcinoma cancer! Thankfully, I didn't have cancer. DS was born nine long years later. We tried for more after him, but gave up. Then in December '07 I found out I was expecting twins. We lost the first one at six weeks and the second at 12 weeks. We tried again after that, to no avail.

Like someone else mentioned, even if I do manage to get pregnant.... it is incredibly stressful... waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I guess, right now, the hardest part is DS praying for a "baby brother" every night. His imaginary friend, "Nobody" has several siblings.

I don't know what will happen, but I am closing in on 40 fast. *sigh*

I don't know if I could adopt. I have two adopted siblings and (in my case) it seems like the negatives out weigh the positives. I am afraid to adopt.

Sorry for rambling.

 

[Kit'smommy]

5 miscarriages here, one pregnancy was actually twins.

Nothing is guaranteed but there are also choices people make about who they have relationships with. IMO giving your child a chance to have a sibling relationship is extremely important.

I am very sorry for your losses. However, based on your experiences you should understand better than most people that there often is not a "choice" to have more than one child.

I am just truly grateful to have one healthy child. I am sure he will be just fine, with or without a sibling.

Tonilea, my son started asking for a baby brother a few months ago. It is hard. (((Hugs))) to you.

 

[Chicago526]

I think it's okay to have one kid or one hundred kids.

That said, I do wish sometimes that my DH wasn't an "only". He's quite happy to be an "only". But he's not close to his aunts/uncles/cousins, his dad died when he was young and his mother never remaried. When she's gone, I'll be his only family. That makes me a little sad for him. In his case, there wasn't a choice as his mother was unable to have more children (it was a miracle she got pregnant with DH as it was). I think my MIL would have loved to have had a daughter, but it just didn't work out.

Now, I do NOT think that people that choose to have one child are horible parents, or anything like that. But I do think it is one aspect of the decision parents should keep in mind when making the choice, that once the parents are gone, that their child won't have as much family throughout their lives.

 

[NMAmy]

Now, I do NOT think that people that choose to have one child are horible parents, or anything like that. But I do think it is one aspect of the decision parents should keep in mind when making the choice, that once the parents are gone, that their child won't have as much family throughout their lives.

Not necessarily. My dd is incredibly close with my niece who is like an older sister to her. She's also very close to my sister and my nephew. I have no doubt that when I'm gone, she'll continue to be close to my sister's family. They've known her since she was born.