Parents of only children - any regrets

[Mickeyluver37]

I think your comments about only children are insensitive and rude.

I'm sorry you are offended my observations I've made about people I actually know, including my own family members. I never made any claims about all only children, or people I don't know, for that matter. The fact is, when you have siblings, you do have to share your parents, and their resources. Most (all?) onlies I know don't have to learn that.

 

[sturdypeasantstock]

I'm sorry you are offended my observations I've made about people I actually know, including my own family members. I never made any claims about all only children, or people I don't know, for that matter. The fact is, when you have siblings, you do have to share your parents, and their resources. Most (all?) onlies I know don't have to learn that.

There are plenty of children with siblings who have more financial resources that some onlies. I am an only and I am accustomed to people making negative comments about onlies.

 

[zumbergc]

i just wanted to mention some info about adoption. While going thru an agency may cost $20-$30k. The year the adoption is finalized, and for up to 6 more if your need it, you get around a 10-12k tax credit. In the sense it comes strait off what you owe that year. I can't remember the exact amount, some of the tax credit is federal, some state(were ohio).

If you have a children's hospital in your area, sometimes they have adoption information sessions, which aren't too expensive. You get the opporotunity to find out more info about adoption, and all the things associated with it, as well as possibly meeting all the members of the adoption triad, the adopted babies, the birth parents, adopted parents. of course the babies are grown and the ones speaking to your are adults now

Some people choose to roll that tax credit money into the next child's they choose to adopt.

From attending meetings with our agency. Seems like people use to try ivf many more times sometimes 5-10 times, where now its like 1-2 times, and then people are switching to adoption. Of course do what is right for your heart.

Some agencies charge more than others on the front end, so do your research.

 

[NMAmy]

The OP:

If you only had one child, how did it turn out? Did you ever regret your decision? Did you find peace with your decision?

NMAmy , the OP asked for opinions so it is our business to post if we so choose.

Huh. I thought you said you were the parent of twins not the parent of an only child. There is certainly nothing keeping you from posting on the subject if you aren't the parent of an only child, but I don't understand why you and others would purposely try to make the OP feel bad about a situation over which she has little control. It seems pretty mean to me.

 

[aprilgail2]

I have an only child and am perfectly fine with it- When I hear her friends with siblings all I hear is "thats not fair" "she has more than me" "thats not fair"--- the words "thats not fair" are like nails on a blackboard to me LOL- even my daughter will tell them "lifes not fair, suck it up" because hearing that is so tiring!
I made the decision on how many to hav\ve based mainly on finances- I can afford to take nice vacations every year with one, I can afford to put one through college- I can keep my standard of living by only having one child and that is how I like it. Some people don't care about putting their kids through college but to me it is important not to have your child start out their adult life 100,000 in debt right off the bat from student loans! My daughter is adament about not wanting any sibling (not that it would matter if I had decided I wanted another I would have had one). I grew up wishing I was an only child.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

I'm sorry you are offended my observations I've made about people I actually know, including my own family members. I never made any claims about all only children, or people I don't know, for that matter. The fact is, when you have siblings, you do have to share your parents, and their resources. Most (all?) onlies I know don't have to learn that.

I don't think that's a bad thing at all - in fact that is one of the upsides to only having one child. I like the idea of being able to provide for my son better, like paying for college fully like another PP mentioned.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

The OP:





Huh. I thought you said you were the parent of twins not the parent of an only child. There is certainly nothing keeping you from posting on the subject if you aren't the parent of an only child, but I don't understand why you and others would purposely try to make the OP feel bad about a situation over which she has little control. It seems pretty mean to me.

Don't worry I just ignore the posts I don't like. The only post that did upset me was the one I responded to, which is now resolved. This thread has helped me decide I am fine with having an only if that's the way it's meant to be. If God has other plans, then that's great too - I guess I just have to accept that the future is unknown.

I met a lady at the playground a few months ago who had an adopted son. She was a nurse at a hospital where the baby was born and the mother decided right after giving birth to give him away. The nurse's co-workers all knew she wanted another baby (her son had died in an accident ) and called her right away. She and her husband got a lawyer and the adoption was finalized within 2 days. If it's meant to happen it will. If not, I am already blessed with the most amazing little boy and my dream of motherhood is a reality so I can find peace in that.

 

[Worfiedoodles]

I haven't read through the entire thread -- I am an adopted only and the mother of ds11, also an only, and it has turned out to be exactly how our family should be!

DS is perfectly happy without siblings, and so am I. We have more disposable income, time and energy to devote to him. He is well-adjusted with a very even temperament. He excels in school, and has many friends. We are able to do so much with and for him, I really feel like he gets my very best effort most of the time (hey, not Mother Theresa), and if I had to split my attention that would not be the case. We are also very close as a family, and while it's normal for me, my dh has found a dynamic that's new to him and he loves being a father in a way that never occurred to my FIL (but that's probably just my FIL, not the brightest penny in the well).

I have been through the only child with a dying parent syndrome, and of course it's not pleasant, but it was the same when my dh's mother passed, and he has two sisters -- there really is no predicting.

This is really one of those "only you can know what is right for your family" issues. My mom was the oldest of 12, and I'm glad she didn't have to see how her siblings treated their parents as they declined, and the squabbling over assets. Splitting them 9 ways (two other siblings had also passed), wasn't pretty, and trust me, no one was offering me or my cousins the shares that would have gone to our deceased parents.

It doesn't matter what your reasoning is to have more or not, as long as it works for you.

Best of luck with whatever you decide!

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

The OP:





Huh. I thought you said you were the parent of twins not the parent of an only child. There is certainly nothing keeping you from posting on the subject if you aren't the parent of an only child, but I don't understand why you and others would purposely try to make the OP feel bad about a situation over which she has little control. It seems pretty mean to me.

I am an only child & had several miscarriages which included twins. Perhaps you should get your facts correct or reread the post you choose to trash before the "HUH" & calling me "mean".
I resent you misquoted me & then others jumping on your band wagon.

 

[NMAmy]

I am an only child & had several miscarriages which included twins. Perhaps you should get your facts correct or reread the post you choose to trash before the "HUH" & calling me "mean".
I resent you misquoted me & then others jumping on your band wagon.

My apologies. I misread your post to read that you had twins. I'm also sorry that you went through the miscarriages--that's an awful thing to have to endure and I was in no way trying to make light of that.

I don't really see anyone jumping on my bandwagon. I was concerned for the OP's feelings when so many people were telling her that she should really go to any length to avoid having an only child.

I had no idea so many people had these misconceptions that parents of only children are selfish, that they'll always be without family, and that only children are always spoilt. Apparently, I don't know anyone in person who thinks that way or they don't say it to my face.

 

[boltfans]

I am effectively an only child and hated it as a kid and still do now as an adult. I was always alone with my parents, and when my father died then it was just me and my mom. When we were on vacation I was always bored. I constantly wanted friends over or to be at a friend's house cause I hated having to play alone all the time. I asked all the time for a sibling, but that was not meant to be. I dread the day my mom dies cause I will truly feel alone at that point and I am not looking forward to it.

I currently have 2 kids and another on the way. We just told our kids about their soon-to-be sibling and my daughter was so excited I thought she'd explode. She was so happy, kept hugging me, and said this is the best news ever. She has been talking/reading books/singing to my belly cause she said she loves the baby already and it's not due till January.

As far as bickering goes, the 2 kids I have now of course have their moments of not getting along. My son loves to touch his sister's stuff when he knows she doesn't want him too and that sets off a spat. He also loves to say, "Madison did it!" when he breks something, which of course provokes a response from her. But overall, they are so close and love having each other around. They optionally share a room and neither of them wants to move to their own room. When I do something alone with 1 kid I always get asked where the other one is and why. If one gets hurt, the other is 1st in line with a hug and kiss, they stick up for each other on the playground, etc. Seeing their dynamic (and hopefully with the next, and last, kid as well) makes me realize I did the right thing for my family in having more than 1 kid.

Of course I realize that it's not always in the cards to have more than 1 kid. #3 took a while for us to conceive and at some point we would have given up. If that had been the case with #2, we would have reached a certain point and given up as well I am sure, as it was heartbreaking to go through the TTC process so long without success.
So in no way do I feel every family needs to go to extremes to have more than 1 kid. But if you're on the fence, then I think I'd go for it.
ETA: I dont' think I was ever spoiled or selfish. In fact, compared to my husband who is #3 of 4 kids, I think I am selfless and I think part of it is that he probably got way less than he wanted/should have since his parents had 4 kids and some of that carries into adulthood. So I certainly wouldn't worry about that factor.

Also, I had a lot of friends who were only kids and they didn't seem to mind it as much as me, so I think it all depends on your kid/family.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

My apologies. I misread your post to read that you had twins. I'm also sorry that you went through the miscarriages--that's an awful thing to have to endure and I was in no way trying to make light of that.

I don't really see anyone jumping on my bandwagon. I was concerned for the OP's feelings when so many people were telling her that she should really go to any length to avoid having an only child.

I had no idea so many people had these misconceptions that parents of only children are selfish, that they'll always be without family, and that only children are always spoilt. Apparently, I don't know anyone in person who thinks that way or they don't say it to my face.

Certainly accepted...thank you

 

[horseshowmom]

I am effectively an only child and hated it as a kid and still do now as an adult. I was always alone with my parents, and when my father died then it was just me and my mom. When we were on vacation I was always bored. I constantly wanted friends over or to be at a friend's house cause I hated having to play alone all the time. I asked all the time for a sibling, but that was not meant to be. I dread the day my mom dies cause I will truly feel alone at that point and I am not looking forward to it.

ETA: I dont' think I was ever spoiled or selfish. In fact, compared to my husband who is #3 of 4 kids, I think I am selfless and I think part of it is that he probably got way less than he wanted/should have since his parents had 4 kids and some of that carries into adulthood. So I certainly wouldn't worry about that factor.

Also, I had a lot of friends who were only kids and they didn't seem to mind it as much as me, so I think it all depends on your kid/family.

I agree very much with your last sentence. As I've already said, my daughter has always enjoyed being an only child. When questioned by others about whether she would like a sibling, she's always replied that she was perfectly happy as she was and didn't have any desire for a brother or sister.

Interestingly, one of the positive comments I've heard many times was how well my daughter occupied herself on her own (didn't need entertained). She did have friends over and went to their houses as well, but she always did fine by herself too. She was very creative and imaginative. I can honestly say that she never asked for a sibling.

Again, it just depends on your family. We've done fine and are very happy as is!

 

[Laura]

This was a response to me about the fact that in my life the sibling bond has always trumped the friend bond. But in my case when my best friend got married she picked her sister as MOH even though they aren't close. In fact, I don't think they even like each other much but they were sisters and that is what sisters do....

That stinks. I wasn't my sister's maid of honor and she wasn't mine. Your friend probably didn't think it would bother you that much. Some folks pick maids of honor/best men out of family obligation or expectations, not necessarily who they'd really want in their wedding.

There are pros and cons to having siblings and there are pros and cons to being an only.

I think that's it in a nutshell.

I don't think that's a bad thing at all - in fact that is one of the upsides to only having one child. I like the idea of being able to provide for my son better, like paying for college fully like another PP mentioned.

One of my co-workers is an only child, hated it and is trying to convince me to have another (tough sell right now as DD is only 5 months old). I tell her if she's willing to pay for #2's college, I'll have another baby.

 

[cocodog]

Hope I am not out of line here, but felt the need to comment as an adult only child. My father is dead, and I am now starting to care for my elderly mother. Although being an only child was great growing up, I would not wish it on anyone as an adult with aging parents!! It is not the work that I would like to share with someone, but the emotional burden. Just my 2 cents' worth-- hope this helps.

 

[Karibeth19]

Hope I am not out of line here, but felt the need to comment as an adult only child. My father is dead, and I am now starting to care for my elderly mother. Although being an only child was great growing up, I would not wish it on anyone as an adult with aging parents!! It is not the work that I would like to share with someone, but the emotional burden. Just my 2 cents' worth-- hope this helps.

I'm sure it's extremely difficult to have to be the primary caretaker for an aging parent and I'm so sorry you are having to deal with that, but having a sibling is no guarantee that there will be someone there to share your burden. My mother has two brothers, yet she is the primary caretaker for my 82 year old grandmother who has severe dementia. My uncles do very, very little to share that burden with my mother, even emotionally. She is exhausted and mentally worn out at times, and when she calls to share her feelings with her brothers, she is met with very little sympathy.

Like has been said before, there are pros and cons for being an only as well as having siblings, but there are no guarantees in life, and every family's situation is different. The problem lies in when we start to generalize and assume just because something has been our experience, it will be that way for everyone else.

 

[boltfans]

Interestingly, one of the positive comments I've heard many times was how well my daughter occupied herself on her own (didn't need entertained). She did have friends over and went to their houses as well, but she always did fine by herself too. She was very creative and imaginative. I can honestly say that she never asked for a sibling.

This I think is just a personality trait. My daughte is exactly the same way and always has been. When she started preschool her teachers always complimented how wonderfully she played/worked on her own, never cared if other kids or teachers were with her or not. She's quite the chatterbox and social butterfly so it was never an issue of being shy or reserved, she just really doesn't care so much if she's on her own or with friends. She does prefer to have a playmate, but was always easily occupied on her own.

My son, otoh, has never been like that. Though he was the 2nd kid, so always had a sibling, my daughter was back in preschool a month after he was born, so he had plenty of mom and me time. And it was just that, mom and him, never just him. He HATES playing on his own and is always in search of a friend or my daughter to play with. He doesn't even like being in a room alone!

 

[KristineN]

My husband is an only child....and has always hated it. His father passed away a year ago....and his mother is not in good health. ALL of the burden falls upon him. It's hard sometimes without any sibling support.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

My husband is an only child....and has always hated it. His father passed away a year ago....and his mother is not in good health. ALL of the burden falls upon him. It's hard sometimes without any sibling support.

So true. Sorry he's having such a hard time.

 

[ticktock]

To the onlys who are having a tough time caring for elderly parents, don't your spouses help? Give emotional support? I know that my grandfather bathed and dressed my grandmother's father and she did the same for his mother. It's hard to get more supportive then that (washing 87 year old bottom).

The funny thing is both sides of the family didn't want them to marry but they were the ones who ended up taking care of each others parents when the other siblings didn't give a fig.

I love my sister but am MUCH closer to my husband. When there is a crisis I have to deal with my sister's drama and then I turn to DH for my emotional support. In fact I don't think I could deal with my family's drama without DH, they drive me crazy sometimes.