Parents of only children - any regrets

[KristineN]

Of course! But we are also raising 4 kids and there is only so many hours in a day

To the onlys who are having a tough time caring for elderly parents, don't your spouses help? Give emotional support? I know that my grandfather bathed and dressed my grandmother's father and she did the same for his mother. It's hard to get more supportive then that (washing 87 year old bottom).

The funny thing is both sides of the family didn't want them to marry but they were the ones who ended up taking care of each others parents when the other siblings didn't give a fig.

I love my sister but am MUCH closer to my husband. When there is a crisis I have to deal with my sister's drama and then I turn to DH for my emotional support. In fact I don't think I could deal with my family's drama without DH, they drive me crazy sometimes.

 

[ticktock]

Of course! But we are also raising 4 kids and there is only so many hours in a day

I was responding mainly to those who posted they wished they had some emotional support. I used my grandparents as an example because obviously if you're willing to bath your wife's father you're going to be aware of how difficult the situation is and be supportive. BTW they raised 6 kids and had 4 at home during the time my grandmother was caring for her mother who had a stroke and was set up in their living room in a hospital bed. So yeah.

Like I and many other posters stated having siblings is no guarantee that they will help out. Most of the families I know in this situation one sibling and their family take most, if not all of the burden. I's usually a daughter because men don't generally want that type of responsibility and their wives tend to resent having to care for their mother in law.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

To the onlys who are having a tough time caring for elderly parents, don't your spouses help? Give emotional support? I know that my grandfather bathed and dressed my grandmother's father and she did the same for his mother. It's hard to get more supportive then that (washing 87 year old bottom).

The funny thing is both sides of the family didn't want them to marry but they were the ones who ended up taking care of each others parents when the other siblings didn't give a fig.

I love my sister but am MUCH closer to my husband. When there is a crisis I have to deal with my sister's drama and then I turn to DH for my emotional support. In fact I don't think I could deal with my family's drama without DH, they drive me crazy sometimes.

I bolded. I will explain why in a minute.
I read through this thread because I was curious. I am sorry for everyone who has experienced loss. I have no words and can only imagine how hard it is.
That being said I wanted to offer my own pov. I was an only for quite a while. I came from a large, close family. I had cousins that I was very close with. It was not the same. I envied them so badly. I wanted a sibling. There is just something different about it. It is not the same as friends and cousins. I asked for a sibling all the time. I wished in ladybugs, said prayers, wished on my birthday cake candles. I wanted a sibling so badly that I longed for it. My parents were wonderful and always spent tons of time with me playing etc. I had family that doted on me. I was lacking nothing- except that sibling.
My Mom and Dad did decide to have another baby and it became a joke of sorts that Mouse House Mama always gets what she wants. I wasn't a brat but I was certainly spoiled by the family.
Anyway, to this day I remember the day my sister was born. It was one of the best days of my childhood. I loved her so much. I spent the first night she came from the hospital getting up to check on her. I don't think I slept 10 minutes that night because I was so excited. I was never jealous and I loved helping my Mom take care of her. We did have some rough spots growing up because of our age difference but even still- we always stuck up for each other. We are very close now. We both always say that we wish we had more siblings.
Now that I have explained my story a bit I will tell you why I bolded. While my DH is amazing and can and does give me more emotional support than anyone, he is not my parent's child. He does not have that history. He loves my parents but they are not his. He wasn't there from the beginning. My sister was. When it comes to your parents it is just different. If God forbid something were to happen to our parents my Dh would comfort me and grieve, but it would not be the same as leaning on my sister.

I do think there are plenty of people out there that are happy being an only child. I however would not have been. I always longed for a sibling/siblings.
Overall, you have to do what is right for your family. Nobody else can make that choice for you. There is no right answer here. The only thing that is right is that you make a decision because it is what YOU want and not what others want you to do. Good luck!

 

[marlynnp]

I was just reading the "how old is too old" to have a child thread and it got me thinking - I am 34 and I need to make a decision soon if I want another child. After 3 miscarriages (the most recent in the 2nd trimester last year) a big part of me just wants to pack it in. I just went back to work full-time after being a SAHM for over 2 years and I'm not sure I am ready to go back to being at home full-time again.

I feel so torn - I would love another baby, but I don't think I could emotionally handle another miscarriage.

If you only had one child, how did it turn out? Did you ever regret your decision? Did you find peace with your decision?

My DH is an only child and he is amazing man so that is comforting.

Thanks in advance to everyone who decides to share.

I have an only. She is 9. I'm not sure what you mean with "how did it turn out?"

We love having an only. We were pretty sure when she was born, that she would be an only, but waited 5 years to make a final decision. Over that time we became more certain that she was all we wanted.

Absolutely NO regrets.

There was never any 'needing to find peace' with our decision - not even sure what that means.

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

Wow, this is a tough thread. I am the youngest of five. I have only one dd and due 2 different bouts of cancer I will only ever have one dd. This past december I had to have a hysterectomy due to cervial cancer.

Now some have said adotion is a choice. True but... I lost my husband (to anohter woman and drugs) so it is only me and I have had serious health issues. So adoption at this point is not possible.

That being said I love having one dd. As a single mom I can spend my time and energy focused on her. I do not have split myself and my fiances among multiple children.

Since I know I have health issues I am making preparations now for my care when I am older. I do not expect my dd to be fully responsible for me. I am responsible for preparing for my future. Plus even though I had four siblings, I alone was responsible for my mothers care as she battled cancer. None of them would help while she was alive nor did they choose to hlep make her final arrangements.

I have 4 children. They have friends that are onlies. I do find they are the ones banging on my door looking for someone to play with.

See in my situation it is the opposite. All my dds friends that come from families with several siblings love coming to my house to get away from the chaos.

I guess I am lucky in that dd can amuse her self, we enjoy each others company, and she has some great friends that come over and invite her over to thier house. DD is always happy to come home to the peace of our home.

I think some of us feel frustrated because we know that all families are equally good (assuming there is no major dysfunction of course).

Very good statement. I am constantly frustrated by people who view dd and I "less than average" type family. It is amazing what people will say to me!

One of the biggest life lessons I have learned is that blood is not thicker than water...at all.

Frankly, I have found that "chosen" families are frequently more cohesive than the blood families. I just don't see the need to be so worked up over blood and having siblings.

Another wonderful point. I grew up with siblings and with the family my mom had created for me. WHen I visit my blood relatives I stay in a hotel. When I visit "my Aunt" that was part of our chosen family I sleep in thier guest room. They would have it no other way.

Since I grew up as a large part of a created (chosen in your words) family I have created one for my dd. She has plenty of blood cousins. But... she also has many that we have added to our family. These are people she is as close to, if not closer than her blood relatives.

OP: my dd is still young yet, and it has only been six months since my hysterectomy but... at this point I feel I truly am blessed with having only one dd. I will be honest and say there are times I grieve over the loss of possible furture children but when I look at my dd the grief subsides. SHe is truly a blessing.

And yes she is spoiled. She is spoiled with my time, attention, love, and affection. She is not only spoiled this way by me but also by the family (blood relation and chosen ones) that surround her. She has many people old young and everywhere in between that will be part of her, even when I am gone.

 

[EMom]

Having a sibling (or TEN siblings, for that matter) is no guarantee that you'll have a lick of help or support when it comes time to care for elderly parents. I am the youngest of 4 and I was always my mother's primary caregiver, dating back to my teens, when my father died. If my mother fell ill, I was the one who took care of her. The others had children and it was assumed I would do it. As the DECADES went by and my sister's children got older, she helped more. By the time my mother was dying, my sister and I were splitting the responsibility, which was good because I had a toddler to take care of.

My two brothers did nada. If my sister had somehow been erased from the equation, I would have been solely responsible for my mother's care. Well.......that's not entirely true, as my DH helped care for her. He was a better son to her than the ones she gave birth to. Or if I had never been born (because I was a major surprise) then my sister would have had the entire burden. Our brothers were simply not going to take care of our mother. Ever.

In my MIL's case, she had no daughters. Two sons stayed within driving distance and took care of her. The eldest....and favorite .....moved halfway across the country immediately after grad school and never looked back, even though he could have gotten a primo job right here in Texas. He never really helped with his mother's care, but was quick enough to criticize what the other two did.

I've seen families with tons of children, and it's almost never the case where they ALL help take care of the parents. I'd say the norm is that 1 or 2 pretty much do the bulk of it. And many times......it's ONE who does 95% of the work and the others take it for granted that the worker bee will happily do the grunt work.

And you know.....Sometimes the siblings really DON'T appreciate that younger sibling. My brother wasn't happy when I came along when he was 10 years old. He always gritched and moaned that I got too much attention as the baby of the family. He resented me from the day I was born and never got over it. Try being a toddler with a sibling who resents you THAT much. Try listening to a 50 y.o. man complain (yet again) that your parents took "the baby" along with them to run errands, etc. but left him and another sibling at home. Well, it was the 70s and people did that. They were teens and I was 5. My parents knew it was fine to leave teens at home, but not such a great idea to leave a 5 y.o. home, so they dragged me along wherever they went until I was old enough to leave at home. And it's not as if he WANTED to go with my parents.....He just resents that they took ME along. Nope, some siblings truly do not want an addition to the family. Finally, as an adult, I just had to accept that he would always resent me and that I could do nothing about it since I had done nothing to cause it except be born. So a sibling isn't always a friend.

Brothers didn't add that much to our lives. If my sister had not been born, I'd have been diddled in the sibling department. She can say the same. Ironically, even though we're close now, she thought me a horrible pest as a child because I was so much younger. And I was. I am closer to the "boys" I went to school with K-12 than I was was, or will be, with my brothers. They are more like my brothers than anyone else.

 

[boltfans]

When I think about the 'caring for an elderly parent' situation, I don't think of the physical aspects, like bathing or whatever. For me, that will not be the issue. My mother has enough money to be fully taken care of should she get sick or just ancient, so I know I don't have to worry about changing her diapers, scraping up cash for the funeral, etc. My fear comes in with the realization that when she's sick and dying I won't have someone to share memories with. It's just gonna be this huge loss that I have to go through alone. And my husband is great, in fact, he and my mom get along better than she and I do, so I know it will be hard for him too and he'll be there to support me, but he's only known my mom since he was 19yo. I have 19 years on that and no one to look back on those years with. No one but me knows what life was like when I was 7, 8, 9, etc. I already went through this when I lost my dad so I know what it feels like and that was definitely something I wanted to prevent, if at all possible, for my kids.

 

[RadioNate]

To the onlys who are having a tough time caring for elderly parents, don't your spouses help? Give emotional support? I know that my grandfather bathed and dressed my grandmother's father and she did the same for his mother. It's hard to get more supportive then that (washing 87 year old bottom).

The funny thing is both sides of the family didn't want them to marry but they were the ones who ended up taking care of each others parents when the other siblings didn't give a fig.

I love my sister but am MUCH closer to my husband. When there is a crisis I have to deal with my sister's drama and then I turn to DH for my emotional support. In fact I don't think I could deal with my family's drama without DH, they drive me crazy sometimes.

In addition to the other comments that people have posted. The 'remember when' factor ... etc, etc. You make the assumption that the only HAS a spouse. My mother is an only caring for her mother. My mother has been divorced 30 years and never remarried. I'm her only source of emotional support when caring for my grandmother. And as an only myself, that too isn't always the easiest of burdens to carry.

I get there are no guarantees but with siblings there is another human out there who knows your childhood ups and down, shares your DNA ... it is a connection that as an only I miss. I can't explain it. I don't want to call it spiritual because it isnt. But it is somehow comforting. My cousins somewhat fill that void for me, but since they are sisters I definitely am a step down.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

I have an only. She is 9. I'm not sure what you mean with "how did it turn out?"

We love having an only. We were pretty sure when she was born, that she would be an only, but waited 5 years to make a final decision. Over that time we became more certain that she was all we wanted.

Absolutely NO regrets.

There was never any 'needing to find peace' with our decision - not even sure what that means.

I think my post clearly stated what this means to me - it means I wanted another child, but the other children I tried to have didn't make it. You said you only wanted one - clearly these are two drastically situations.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I was an only for quite a while. I came from a large, close family. I had cousins that I was very close with. It was not the same. I envied them so badly. I wanted a sibling. There is just something different about it. It is not the same as friends and cousins. I asked for a sibling all the time. I wished in ladybugs, said prayers, wished on my birthday cake candles. I wanted a sibling so badly that I longed for it. My parents were wonderful and always spent tons of time with me playing etc. I had family that doted on me. I was lacking nothing- except that sibling.

My Mom and Dad did decide to have another baby and it became a joke of sorts that Mouse House Mama always gets what she wants. I wasn't a brat but I was certainly spoiled by the family.

Anyway, to this day I remember the day my sister was born. It was one of the best days of my childhood. I loved her so much. I spent the first night she came from the hospital getting up to check on her. I don't think I slept 10 minutes that night because I was so excited. I was never jealous and I loved helping my Mom take care of her. We did have some rough spots growing up because of our age difference but even still- we always stuck up for each other. We are very close now.

What a sweet story!

 

[kimmar067]

I've had two miscarriages, myself. I have two sons. One is 16 and the other is 6.....

...OMG! I read your post so fast that this is how I read it at first...... YIKES!




....anyhoo, my mom is an only child and, although she was very-much loved by my grandparents, she always wishes that she had siblings - the the point where she will often tell those folks who ARE the parents of a single child to have another one..... I guess each circumstance is different...

 

[kimmar067]

....anyhoo, my mom is an only child and, although she was very-much loved by my grandparents, she always wishes that she had siblings - the the point where she will often tell those folks who ARE the parents of a single child to have another one..... I guess each circumstance is different...

When I think about the 'caring for an elderly parent' situation, I don't think of the physical aspects, like bathing or whatever. For me, that will not be the issue. My mother has enough money to be fully taken care of should she get sick or just ancient, so I know I don't have to worry about changing her diapers, scraping up cash for the funeral, etc. My fear comes in with the realization that when she's sick and dying I won't have someone to share memories with. It's just gonna be this huge loss that I have to go through alone. And my husband is great, in fact, he and my mom get along better than she and I do, so I know it will be hard for him too and he'll be there to support me, but he's only known my mom since he was 19yo. I have 19 years on that and no one to look back on those years with. No one but me knows what life was like when I was 7, 8, 9, etc. I already went through this when I lost my dad so I know what it feels like and that was definitely something I wanted to prevent, if at all possible, for my kids.

In addition to the other comments that people have posted. The 'remember when' factor ... etc, etc. You make the assumption that the only HAS a spouse. My mother is an only caring for her mother. My mother has been divorced 30 years and never remarried. I'm her only source of emotional support when caring for my grandmother. And as an only myself, that too isn't always the easiest of burdens to carry.

I get there are no guarantees but with siblings there is another human out there who knows your childhood ups and down, shares your DNA ... it is a connection that as an only I miss. I can't explain it. I don't want to call it spiritual because it isnt. But it is somehow comforting. My cousins somewhat fill that void for me, but since they are sisters I definitely am a step down.

...the single child having to care for his/her parent is another issue...my mom lives in Puerto Rico, and she retired and moved there away from my siblings and me, along with all her grandchildren, to care for my grandmother. When my 'abuelita' passed , it was very hard for her to handle all the hospital stuff and subsequent funeral arrangements and to be on her own...

 

[boltfans]

...the single child having to care for his/her parent is another issue...my mom lives in Puerto Rico, and she retired and moved there away from my siblings and me, along with all her grandchildren, to care for my grandmother. When my 'abuelita' passed , it was very hard for her to handle all the hospital stuff and subsequent funeral arrangements and to be on her own...

Along these lines, being my mom's only child there is a lot of pressure on me while she's healthy, working, and independent. Since my father passed away nearly 12 years ago, I'm all my mom has. She has tons of friends, many whom she has known since childhood and they are very close. We also have a huge extended family. But come holidays, she wants to spend them with me and her only grandkids, not friends, cousins, aunts, etc. And that is wonderful, it truly is, and I love having her, but at the same time it complicates things regarding my inlaws. Now, my husband is 1 of 4 kids, and the other 3 kids all live by my inlaws so they typically just spend their holidays there, but it also means we can not really go visit them on holidays cause then my mom is alone. And she would never complain about it, but I feel terrible guilt leaving her alone on holidays.

And there's another factor to consider, and I know most people will say they will never feel this way, but it happens. When you have just 1 kid, all your eggs are in one basket so to speak. I was a smart kid and my mom saw that and took off with it, being disappointed if I didn't get all As and such. And then when I decided to become a SAHM even though I have my doctorate and could easily work in my field even part time, I know she was disappointed. She has always been a working mom and though it was part necessity, it was also very much a part of her being. Staying home with kids is not her cup of tea and she makes that clear. Also, having just had me, it's hard for her to be around both of my kids for extended periods of time. She loves them to death, but the noise and chaos can overwhelm her and I can only imagine when this 3rd one comes around. And my mom loves kids, so that isn't the issue, she's just used to the calm, sereneness of 1 child that does not happen when you have 2 or more.

Now, if I had a sibling, then there wouldn't have been all this pressure for me to be the kid she had in mind as there would be someone else to fall back on. I can already see this with my own kids, where my daughter has strengths, my son may have weaknesses and vice versa. Together, however, they make a pretty cohesive team. When it was just me there was the expectation that I needed to be pretty well-rounded and that's simply not always the case and it can be hard on the kid.

 

[Randi]

I'm an only child, and both my parent's were onlies. I am now 65 & can honestly say that not once did I ever wish I had a sibling. I remember asking my dad this shortly before he passed away, & he agreed. He had never wished for a sibling either. Neither of us had any frame of referance as to what it would have been like to have siblings, just like someone with siblings can only imagine what being as only would be like. Good & bad aspects of both exist, I believe.

Some things were easier being an only. Both sets of grandparents got along very well so all Sundays & holidays were spent together. There were always people around, so I don't remember being lonely. I enjoy my own company both then & now.

As my grandparents & parents passed away, there were no squabbles or complications over differences of opinion, etc. Whoever remained split the finances & care. Without an arguement.

I eventually had 2 children, but 6 yrs apart. I did my best to raise them as onlies, by spending time with each one alone, did not allow the younger to tag along with the older, kept toys separate, etc. They unfortunatly died way too young, at ages 29 & 38. But I believe that it was due to the fact that I learned to rely on myself that I am carrying on. I will move back to my childhood home next year when I retire, I inheirited it when my dad passed away. Several of my childhood friends, also onlies, are looking forward to getting together again.

Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to stress that it isn't necessarily a bad thing to be an only. A family is what you make of it, no matter what.

 

[Ember]

I have to say that I am honestly shocked at the tone of a lot of posts on this thread. There is an undercurrent in a lot of them that having only one child is somehow cruel. Because they will be spoiled, never have someone to remember their past with, have to care for their elderly parents all by themselves, be the object of all their parents hopes for them...

I can think of incidents just in my immediate social circle that offer an examples of how each of these things is false. These situations can happen to anyone, siblings or not.

Honestly, a family is a family, no matter what shape or size it comes in. As long as there is love then that's all that matters. Yes, some only children will wish they had siblings. I know of some siblings that wish they had been only children. I just can't seriously believe that the number of children has anything to do with the happiness of a family or the "quality" of the parent. (Those who make multiple babies are NOT better parents just because they made more kids!) After all, by this reasoning, octo-mom has just about everyone beat!

 

[Tiggernut_jadie]

Not necessarily. My dd is incredibly close with my niece who is like an older sister to her. She's also very close to my sister and my nephew. I have no doubt that when I'm gone, she'll continue to be close to my sister's family. They've known her since she was born.

This could sum up my DD too. My neice is also an only child and is 10 years older than my DD but they are so close it is wonderful to see them together. I know that my neice would do anything for my DD and vice versa. My DD also has cousins on my DH's side so doesn't miss out on any of the positive bits but we don't get any of the bickering etc. My Dh's sister's kids can't even stay in the same room together without arguing.

My DD is not spoilt and the world does not revolve around her - her recent school report described her as kind, sociable and always willing to help the less able kids in her class.

Like the OP I took a long time to decide for certain that I was 'happy' with an only child but at 43 I feel I am now too old to have another child and have made peace with the fact I am a mother of one. I have PCOS and my DD was a long awaited 'surprise' after being married for 8 years so the chances of her having a brother or sister was slim in any case. For a long time I went through the 'am I cruel' anxieties but having been blessed with a thankfully pretty trouble free pregnancy despite my health problems I made the decision that I was not going to risk my health having another child. I lost my parents when I was 18/19 (9 months apart) and my DD's best friend lost her mum when she was 3 so why 'risk' leaving my DD by having another child when she is everything I ever wanted in the first place.

Anyway I'm rambling a bit but in answer to the OP - my DD is 9 and whilst there have been times when I got a bit broody for another baby I do not 'regret' that my DD is an only child if you see what I mean.

 

[clgwli]

I have read part of this thread and I am shocked to see how many people judge others for having only one child. Not everyone is able to have more than one for many reasons. So I find some of this sad.

I know a lot of only children and they are absolutely wonderfully adjusted. As long as many people are in that child's life I cannot see how the child would grow up feeling alone.

 

[Feralpeg]

My DD is an only. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Being just the two of us, we've been able to do things that would probably not have been the case if I'd had more children due to financial limitations.

We are incredibly close. She is my best friend and I am hers.

I came from a family of four kids. Just because you have siblings does not guarantee that you will be close for things like family get togethers, etc. I rarely see my brothers. They live across the country. We email occasionally, but that's it. My sister does live close by and we spend a great deal of time with her. Even though we don't have large family events (both my parents are gone and DD does not know her biological father), we always have wonderful holidays. They are just different than those of other families. Not better or worse...just different.

I am not concerned about my daughter having to take care of me in my old age. I have made arrangements so that I will not be a financial burden to her. I don't think having siblings makes the emotional toll that much easier if you love someone. It is just one of those things she will have to endure.

The number of children a person decides to have is a very personal choice. What works for one family may not work for another. No one should judge another families decision.

 

[ohiomom28]

My son is 9, My fiance doesn't want any children at all and I can't make up my mind if I want another. I guess he is making up my mind for me...lol I'm 31 and I don't want such a big gap between children anyway. I'm just glad I have the wonderful son I have now!

 

[Caleb's Mom]

I'm the oldest of 3, my DH is an only and our 8 year old son is an only. There are many, many internal personal factors that lead to a couple's choice as to how many children to have. It's different for everyone. I felt I could only emotionally and financially support one child. While our son is a joy, he was definitely not an easy baby to be around - he slept very little and screamed for hours each evening. Going thru another baby phase like that again makes me want to cry. DH also spends 1/2 the year on a 12 hour night shift at his job leaving me on solo kiddo duty. My mother has told me to my face that I'm selfish for only having one child. But, in the end we're a happy family.
Only you can know what is right for you.