Parents! ISO punishment that fits the crime!

[Iott Family]

Ok, DD12 is already grounded until her 4th 9 weeks report card comes in and all her grades are a C or above because she not only neglected to turn in a report but lied to her teacher and to us about this. This isnt the first time this school year, 6th grade, that she has done this. It was strike three!
Part of her punishment for this was that she had to apologize to her teacher face to face for 1.) not doing the report/turning it in on time and 2.) lying to him on several occassions about the whereabouts of said report. Well, today was the last day of school and she left without issuing said apology.

*back history*
She was given a detention that she served for the incident per school rules and we grounded her from her "recreational" reading and she has had to spend all her free time with us, her parents and younger siblings Instead of locking herself in her room with her radio, books, etc. None of our kids have TV's or phones in their rooms so that wasnt even an issue.

Now, I am at a loss for a proper punishment to fit her negligence in not issuing the required apology. For the past 3 weeks we have talked to her about character and what it means to be responsible for your actions and that apologies are painful because one must acknowledge their poor choices and bad actions and sincerely deliver a speach asking anothers forgiveness and that sometimes no matter how sincere not all apologies are accepted and that is something she will have to live with. Although I am sure this teacher will easily accept and pardon her for her actions if only she would stand up and show the courage and character with an apology!

This is not a good way to start off the summer break

As a parent, what would you do in this situation? Any suggestions? She said she would just send an apology email but I(Mom) think thats way too impersonal and not at all appropriate.

 

[DevilDuckie]

Does she get an allowance? Charge her a dollar a day until she apologizes.

Are there end of the year activities? I'd say not for her if she doesn't apologize by tomorrow!

Got any major projects at home? Does the garage need cleaning or the vegetable garden need weeding? Maybe those need to be the focus of her first week or so of summer.

She's probably embarrassed to have to look her teacher in the eye and admit she lied. Good. That's a sign that she has some shame and might be more careful about honesty in the future. This apology *should* be hard to make.

Can you go in to school with her one day to make sure the apology gets delivered?

 

[2Kds2K9]

This is a hard one. Have a DD12 also and she's going through the teen things too, but not to the extent of your DD, yet.

Will the teacher be at school tomorrow? If so, drive her to school to make the apology. That would be her last chance to do so. Otherwise, I'd take something away for the next month. (But, I tend to be more of a harsher punisher.)

She cannot be allowed to feel that she got away with it. This must be met with some consequence.

Heading off to give said DD a shovel to clean out her room. I spent 20 minutes this am trying to find her glasses to take to her as her contacts had a problem at school. ARGH.

Good luck and bless us all with teenagers!

Leigh

 

[Mickeyorbust]

In our school district the teachers are still there for a week maybe two after the school year has ended for students. If your district does the same, is it possible for you to take her to the school to see the teacher?

As far as punishment, I have no suggestions. We're in the same boat with DD13. Right now she's failing Latin....the Latin teacher sends home each quiz/test with a failing grade for the parents to sign. Finally, I got so angry I told DD13 I was not going to sign them anymore. "But, but, but, I'll get a referal and suspended." My answer was she needed to show more maturity and responsibility and better make sure she does doesn't fail them anymore. She's gotten C or better on every Latin quiz/test since then.

 

[i12go2wdw]

Don't you just love 12 yo girls
This is just my opinion but I think learning how to apologize is a skill we need to teach our kids. It is not something that may always come naturally, espcially at this age and to a person in authority. I believe that a lot can be learned from issuing the apology, from facing your fears to the feeling of relief you get when you are done and you know you have done the right thing. It also helps children to learn how to bulid good relationships if they can get past the differences they may have with others and learn to take responsibility for the part they played. My 12yo DD had to apologize for bad attitude during PE. I made her do it face to face also (after I also apologized to the teacher for her behaviour and ensured him she would also be receiving punishment at home too). That was 6 weeks ago, last week that same teacher took DD out for tea after school and my DD is so happy to have him as a friend now.
I (again just my opinion) would see if the teachers are cleaning out their rooms in the next few days and schedule a time to meet with teacher, I would stand in the doorway and be sure the apology happened. I think in the long run you would be giving your daughter a gift.
Christine

 

[dis75ney]

I would be suprised if DD's teacher isn't at the school tomorrow...most teachers have to clean up their rooms, at the very least, if not have end-of-the-year meetings. I would call the school (or the teacher, if he has an extension or direct line) and confirm that the teacher will be there, then drive DD to school and make sure she apologizes to the teacher.

Of course, me being the cheapwad that I am, I would also make my child pay me back for any time I missed from work (within reason, of course) to take them to school for this sort of situation (or, in my case, having to pick up my DS from school for his behavior)...but my child is more easily influenced by losing cash than anything else...

 

[Iott Family]

I like the idea of charging her per day, I should have thought about that before school let out! That is going into my memory bank for future reference!!!

Yes, I do think we will be going to the school tomorrow. Thanks for suggesting that! I am so befuddled that she has taken it this far that I am beside myself. Up until this year she has never given us issues related to school.

 

[Troop o' Goofs]

As a parent and educator (parent always comes first) I would do a number of things. First, you can call the school and see if that particular teacher will be around to clean up the classroom or for summer school and have your daughter apologize face to face.
Second, since she did not complete the consequences the first time she was told to, the educator in me would kick in, and I would have her spend the first week of summer school in the library researching a topic of my choice and have her write a paper to be graded by me. (As a parent I tend to grade harsher than any teacher).
Third, manual labor would help her learn the lesson. This can be accomplished by having her work in the yard (mowing the lawn, trimming the bushes etc...).
Fourth, if possible I would have her work with younger children, perhaps tutoring for 2 hours a week during the summer. This will help her learn to help others.

These can be done in any order. If said offense happens again, the consequences get more severe.

It is important to remember that positive attention always works better than negative attention. 4 praises for every redirection is a good ratio to stick with. Meaning, catch her being good 4 times for every time you have to tell her not to do something or that she is not doing the right thing.

I hope this was helpful...

 

[TheLittleRoo]

My DS13 has pulled similar stunts a time or two, either turning in sloppy work or not turning it in at all. In both cases, I talked to the teacher myself and explained that as parents, we were not happy with his grade and his attitude. I asked if it would be okay for my son (I think 2nd grade at the time, and again this year in 7th grade) to redo his assignment and turn it in late - - FOR NO IMPROVEMENT IN THE GRADE. I wanted to stress the importance of doing a good job, and doing it just to do a good job. Better late than never didn't help his grade whatsoever, but reinforced to him that just by accepting a lower grade did not eliminate his responsibility to ME (and ultimately himself) of doing a job well done.

Both cases, the teachers were more than willing to comply and it helped his relationship with them. I'm sure somewhere in their grading, they probably cut him some slack in other places as a result, but it certainly wasn't anything I asked for.

So, I would definitely have her turn in the paper late, even though it will not improve her grade, and even if the teacher doesn't even read it. Make her research it thoroughly, and YOU grade it first before she turns it in to the teacher. I would do this BEFORE I went in with her to witness her apology. Call the school and find out when the teacher will be in, if at all.

If you've missed him for the summer, I'd still have her do the paper, along with a written letter of apology.

I would bet she also suffers from the same attitude in other household categories as well, no? Bare minimum cleaning? Has to be prodded to do chores, doesn't just look around and know - - hey, this is my job every day. Maybe I should empty the trash and clean my room before mom asks me??

This is also my DS13. I am trying my best to break the habit of 'good enough' by making him wait on me to inspect his work. It never passes the first time. I don't respond immediately. Meanwhile, I have his Ipod, cable to the XBox, etc so he really wants me to check off his work. 20 mins later, I check the work and point out what he missed (Always something..). Repeat ad nauseum, until he finally gets the idea that the fastest way to get his toys back is to do the job right, THE FIRST TIME. He gets so mad, but he does learn and flies right for a few days. Maybe by the time he graduates, he'll have internalized it. A mom can always dream! I just don't want his wife to blame me one day for his slovenliness!

 

[Iott Family]

Yes, she definitely has her head stuck in other places*ahem* when it comes to chores, etc. She can stand in the same place for minutes on end or drag out the simplest task. Drives her dad and I crazy
What really gets us is that she carries a 3.78 GPA and is in advanced classes. She is already earning credits towards HS and In HS will be earning College credits. She is a very brainy kid but totally lacks common sense. Its like she lives in Our DS10 was always the one to have missing assignments, late assignments or sloppy work and this year(5th grade) he totally turned it around. Its almost like they switched places Kinda like in freaky friday!!!!!!!

 

[Livin4DisneyTime]

I definitly agree that you make sure she gives the appology and does the report very well or another project like it. Some chores in place of other "fun" activities will impress the importance of responcibility. As for me, the lying would be of the most concern to me. i would not allow her to participate in any activities for at least 2 weeks that involved trust on your part.

 

[TheLittleRoo]

Yes, she definitely has her head stuck in other places*ahem* when it comes to chores, etc. She can stand in the same place for minutes on end or drag out the simplest task. Drives her dad and I crazy
What really gets us is that she carries a 3.78 GPA and is in advanced classes. She is already earning credits towards HS and In HS will be earning College credits. She is a very brainy kid but totally lacks common sense. Its like she lives in Our DS10 was always the one to have missing assignments, late assignments or sloppy work and this year(5th grade) he totally turned it around. Its almost like they switched places Kinda like in freaky friday!!!!!!!

Omigosh, you could be talking about me too when I was a kid. I was in the GT program, and it sounds like your daughter has some of that too in terms of the lack of focus or tunnel vision on the things she DOES like. One word of caution if I may, just because the way you describe her is how my own parents described me,..... to this day, I have low self-confidence in my own judgment making partially due (I think) to hearing my parents tell me and others in front of me that I had no common sense. Brilliant mind, but no common sense. Even now as an adult, I second guess my everyday decisions about my kids, my personal life, my job, etc because deep down I hear that voice saying "she has no common sense"...

My son is gifted too, and is making A's without cracking a book in honors and HS credit courses. Of course, he has done the math on his syllabus to see just how low his test scores have to be to get a 91 No math dummy there... But he's the same way with the head in the *ahem*. I'm still kind of the same way, so I try to cut him some slack as he finds his way, but it's a dangerous game to play with procrastination. My best advice is to let her learn the natural consequences of missing a grade now at age 12 rather than later when the scores are averaged into her HS GPA. It's hard to stand by and let them fail though.

Ok, I've written a novel and don't mean to sound preachy. The "no common sense" thing touched a nerve and I had to share!

 

[Mommy2cody]

I like the idea of charging her per day, I should have thought about that before school let out! That is going into my memory bank for future reference!!!

Yes, I do think we will be going to the school tomorrow. Thanks for suggesting that! I am so befuddled that she has taken it this far that I am beside myself. Up until this year she has never given us issues related to school.

I truley think it is something about this age. I struggled in school my 6 and
7th grade years. I was always great in school never had any problems and just for some reason couldn't get a grip on school that year. So hopefully this too shall pass but I think it is wonderful that you are sticking to your guns, this is the time they need it most.

 

[TheLittleRoo]

I truley think it is something about this age.

Boys!!

 

[MightyMom]

I'm sorry..... I don't have any advice..... but I did want to say Thank You.

I thought I was the only one who punished my son by not allowing him to read. He is a avid reader.... and taking away his books is a big blow.

I feel a little better about parenting now. Thanks.

 

[joyerbides]

I, too, am glad you posted this. Man, I thought it was just my 12 year old. Something about 6th grade. My son has gone through a "rough" patch this year too. I don't have any advice, however, I am avidly reading this thread for good ideas and moral support. We all have to hang in there. We'll get through it. I hope

 

[MomtoEmIs&Ow]

I too have a DD12 that is going through a lot this year....I don't mean to hijack but how do you punish a kid who doesn't watch a lot of TV, go on the computer much? We ground our DD from friends when she has done something similar to what the original posters DD did.... But what do you do when your child is being really attitudy and rude. My DD cries about everything, it drives me NUTS!!! She cries so I get mad, and what punishment works when a kid lies?
Any suggestions would be great!

And original poster I too would be driving DD to the school to apologize to the teacher. I hope all goes well & DD cooperates

 

[TheLittleRoo]

I'd say you take away whatever they value. And they always value *something*! You may just have to get creative to figure out what it is.

For the mom whose DD isn't a TV watcher or computer buff, is she into dance or her cell phone? My son is motivated by money (and the loss thereof) and electronics. I found one of the easiest ways to avoid nagging him and getting caught up in 'drama' is give him a deadline for getting things done. If it's not done by that time, he is fined for each thing. In his case, it's $0.50 per item of clothing left lying on the floor, $0.50 per item left in his pockets when I sort laundry, etc. It really adds up (not to me, but to him, )

For girls, how about taking makeup away? Or phone time? I remember Dr. Phil once advocating removing a door if all a kid does is slam it and stay in their room all day! If you gain control over whether she gets to do what she likes to do, ie control the currency, you have leverage in discipline. Edited to add: One of the most hilarious discipline tricks I got from Dr. Phil was putting bickering siblings in time out - - in the other one's bedroom! My youngest two go nuts when I do that!

What I find is hard, is staying on top of my game, ALL THE TIME. It gets wearisome to always have to enforce my own rules when it would so many times be easier to do it myself and avoid the conflict. I'm my own worst enemy.

 

[LAH LAH]

I too have a DD12 that is going through a lot this year....I don't mean to hijack but how do you punish a kid who doesn't watch a lot of TV, go on the computer much? We ground our DD from friends when she has done something similar to what the original posters DD did.... But what do you do when your child is being really attitudy and rude. My DD cries about everything, it drives me NUTS!!! She cries so I get mad, and what punishment works when a kid lies?
Any suggestions would be great!

And original poster I too would be driving DD to the school to apologize to the teacher. I hope all goes well & DD cooperates

We were having a big ugly situation with whining in the house so I came up with this plan:

First attitudey/whiney issue they go and sit on their beds for 30 minutes...if they go peacefully and without further attitude/whining they serve the 30 minutes.

Second offense the same day (or if they complain while going up the stairs the first time) they sit for one hour to think again about why they are having such a hard time.

Third offense the same day they are in bed for the night. No arguments, no yelling, no opposition. I have explained to them that after 2 times sitting in their rooms reflecting on why they are acting that way if they can't control themselves they must be way too tired to deal with life. My daughter has gone to bed twice around 6pm...and she was better off for it the next day!

Would you know the whining has REALLY died down???!!! And I am less frustrated because I have a plan. I don't raise my voice or get angry...it really works well.

Good luck...maybe that will help!

~Melissa

 

[joyerbides]

Hey, do all of our kids know eachother