Parents! ISO punishment that fits the crime!

[Disneygirl26]

Hey, do all of our kids know eachother

I was thinking the same thing, my DD16 did the same things not completing her assignments then saying she did,around 6th grade and she was on honor roll and everything, that was rough year, I agree with everyones advice I would most definatly make her apologize and do the report double, meaning if it was a 5 page report she would have to do a 10 page report for lying. I we as parent can deal with a lot things but the lying has to nipped in the bud.

 

[Matt'nMeg'sMom]

I'm sorry..... I don't have any advice..... but I did want to say Thank You.

I thought I was the only one who punished my son by not allowing him to read. He is a avid reader.... and taking away his books is a big blow.

I feel a little better about parenting now. Thanks.

HA HA! my mother had to punish me the same way. No Reading! Her method involved taking the lightbulbs out of my room so I couldn't read in bed at night.

 

[minnie2]

Oh my I am so not looking forward to that age! I remember my mom saying no one likes a 12/13 yr old not even a 12/13 yr old!

I really like the idea of taking her to school and making her apologize in person. If not what about having her write a long letter of apology and mailing it to the school?

I also lobe the new chore list !

 

[joyerbides]

I was just sitting here thinking of the punishments my sister used to make my nephews do. My sister is 14 years older than me and my nephews are only 6-7 years younger than me, so I didn't appreciate the cleverness until I became a mother of tween/teenagers. She used to make them write penalties, or, some of the best ones were writing (copying) pages from the dictionary, a thesaurus and/or passages from the bible. So, when my DS12 decided to forge my name on an "F" paper that I was supposed to sign (and undoubtedly got caught), then lied about it, I decided to have him write the passage from the Bible about the 10 commandments. Man was he MAD. He asked, "Do I have to write all the "thees and thous"? I just wanted to laugh. I told him, "Of course, since you like writing so much, I thought this would be fun". Besides, I wanted him to learn a lesson about lying. He said he'd write it, but he wasn't going to learn ANYTHING. Well after the first time writing it, I asked him what he learned. I didn't like his answer, so I made him rewrite it on a new sheet of paper, until he could tell me what I wanted to know. This took the better part of the day. Did it work? Well, he's still 12 and he still makes LOTS of mistakes, but he hasn't had to write the Bible lately.

 

[GothTink]

I think this is a really, really bad idea. Reading is so, so important to the development of young minds...

My deepest sympathy with your middle school woes!

 

[snickerboo]

I would not let her get away with not apologizing for anything after you told her it was required. In fact, many teachers are still at the school for a week or so after school finishes. I'd call the school and find out if he's still there. If he is, ask if you can bring her in to see him or if he can come to the phone. If he's not still there, there is still mail! If she were my dd, she would be apologizing-if in person is impossible, then a letter. There would also be a consequence for not apologizing when she was told to.

 

[swkmom]

It must be the age. My daughter is 11 (will be 12 in July) and is just finishing up 6th grade. Her last report card had three D's on it! She has been grounded from the computer since that report card came out and she has only been allowed to do things with friends 2 times in the past 6 weeks.

I checked her grades online today and her math grade that she had raised to a C is back down to a D. It's so frustrating because up until this year she was an A/B student. I hate that anyone has to go through this with their kids but it's also nice to know I'm not alone!

 

[tink20]

My DD was this way in 6th grade, she was in a new school, they weren't being treated like little kids anymore, they want to see what they can get away with. She did different little things here and there, but I just try my best to handle them as the come along.
She just finished 8th grade, we survived, I've heard middle sch. is the worst.

I wouldn't do this personally, but I saw a story on the news where a mother made her teenage son hold up a sign on a busy street and it said " I lied to my Mother".. He was sooooo embrassed.

 

[tomboy_m]

Having her apologize would be great if she was willing, but if she is not really sorry for what she did then she is just giving lip service to get out of trouble. Maybe having her write about how her actions have negatively affected her would bring her to a realization of the true consequences of her actions. Once that is done you could have her send the apology email and attach it to the email.

Also, just going back to when I was that age(as my DD is much younger), I had a lot of problems with a specific teacher due to a personality conflict I had with him and no amount of punishment would have brought me to the point of a face to face apology.

Good Luck

 

[polineedyan]

I really get irritated with parents who just amp up the punishments as their kids continue to make wrong choices. The punishment is in the poor choice itself. Her punishment for not doing the report? A POOR GRADE.
Parents who harp on their kids incessantly are usually the ones who end up with deceptive children. If a kid doesnt feel trust, he wont tell you the truth.
As parents, we do ENOUGH by making sure our point is heard. It is up to them to make the choices.
Treat them now, as you think you will when their grown. It works wonders.
Our kids truly are our mirror. Not even by their own choice sometimes. Our kids will do what WE do. Not necessarily what we SAY.
That business of hunting down your kid, making them write, "walking them down to the school to apologize.." it all builds resentment. Maybe be more apologetic with people in front of your child and set an example. Maybe be more apologetic to them. Dont be deceptive, dont lie to people or them..I mean no ones perfect..I have two boys 13 and 12. I dont engage in their little games. If they want to be liars, I cant stop it. I cant hunt them down. If they forget an assignment at home..it stays home. I dont run it up for them. Its their deal. I remain approachable, and they approach me when they need me. 12 and 13 is tough. Because its not cool to be a nerd. (remember that?) I remind them, the richest man in the world is a nerd. But the wealthiest man was a carpenter. Free will people.

 

[gaelic grace]

Be careful about using writing as a punishment. As an English teacher there are quite a few studies that show an unintended consequence of using this type of punishment is children begin to hate writing. I'm also not sure about using the Bible as punishment. My husbands mother used to do both of these things and he really resented church for awhile. I know we all get frustrated with our kids and coming up with appropriate discipline is difficult. You do have to walk a fine line between discipline - which should teach something- and punishment which is merely punitive. My husbands parents were good people but very punishment oriented. They thought they were doing a good thing. They were very surprised to find out when he was an adult that had just gotten really good at deception and not telling them things. He didn't want to get in trouble. He decided to play the odds and take his chances. My parents were much more natural consequences- discipline type people. We had a much more open relationship and they knew most of what was going on in our lives. It's critical to keep the lines of communication open at this age and if they feel like you have your thumb on them all the time you may put that at risk.

 

[trivial]

I don't have any suggestions, but I wanted to say kudos to you for investing in your daughter's sense of responsibility and honor.

 

[kacaju]

Here is another Mom who has to take away reading.... It was not easy and she is not at all scared by it, she still loves to read and does so all the time. It KILLED her not to read for that week.

I think she was around 12 at the time.

My now 12 year old is trying me big time too right now. I just grounded her from her 6th grade dance for once again *forgetting* her current event for Social Studies. This is a weekly homework assignment and she knows all to well it needs to be done WEEKLY!!

((HUGS)) to everyone battling a 6th grader right now!!

 

[polineedyan]

Be careful about using writing as a punishment. As an English teacher there are quite a few studies that show an unintended consequence of using this type of punishment is children begin to hate writing. I'm also not sure about using the Bible as punishment. My husbands mother used to do both of these things and he really resented church for awhile. I know we all get frustrated with our kids and coming up with appropriate discipline is difficult. You do have to walk a fine line between discipline - which should teach something- and punishment which is merely punitive. My husbands parents were good people but very punishment oriented. They thought they were doing a good thing. They were very surprised to find out when he was an adult that had just gotten really good at deception and not telling them things. He didn't want to get in trouble. He decided to play the odds and take his chances. My parents were much more natural consequences- discipline type people. We had a much more open relationship and they knew most of what was going on in our lives. It's critical to keep the lines of communication open at this age and if they feel like you have your thumb on them all the time you may put that at risk.

Thats what Im sayin..(just not as nasty as i said it, sorry folks.)

 

[UP Disney]

I would make contact with the teacher and see if they are willing to meet with you at the school or somewhere else so the apology can still be made. Letting her get out of make the apology plays into her hands. She needs to learn that you will make her follow through even when she tries to wiggle around it.

Then her grounding would be extended for another week or so. You might also find a book about honor to make her read since it sounds like she enjoys reading.

ETA: Did you make her finish the project that she didn't turn in? I would also make her finish this if she didn't.

 

[UP Disney]

I'd say you take away whatever they value. And they always value *something*! You may just have to get creative to figure out what it is.

It took my parents a little bit of time to find out what my adopted brother (he was 9 when he joined our family) valued. Every punishment they could think of he would just say "Bring it on". Finally, they found (I have no idea how) that he hated riding the stationary bike. He started getting miles. It was the ONLY thing that curbed his bad behavior.

 

[odc146]

To the OP, sorry about your issues with your DD, but reading this post as actually made me feel better about my DS14. I sometimes feel I am the only one who's child doesn't do their school work He is about to graduate from 8th grade and we have had several struggles this year with him not turning in assignments. Sometimes they are done and in his backpack. We are able to check his grades on the computer, which I do practically daily. I always make him turn in missing assingnments no matter how late they are. I feel it teaches him responsibility and it is up to his teachers if they want to give him any sort of credit for the work. One thing we have found that works good when he has missing work is I take away his computer game and cell phone (his 2 favorite things ) and tell him when his missing assingments are turned in he can have them back. I don't given him a specific length of time for the punishment I tell him it is up to him when the work is done he can have them back. It could be a day or two or a week or two. We have found that putting this on him has helped and makes us not have to nag him or to say "your grounded for xxx amount of time". It puts the responsibility on him and his actions. Good Luck

 

[joyerbides]

Be careful about using writing as a punishment. As an English teacher there are quite a few studies that show an unintended consequence of using this type of punishment is children begin to hate writing. I'm also not sure about using the Bible as punishment. My husbands mother used to do both of these things and he really resented church for awhile. I know we all get frustrated with our kids and coming up with appropriate discipline is difficult. You do have to walk a fine line between discipline - which should teach something- and punishment which is merely punitive. My husbands parents were good people but very punishment oriented. They thought they were doing a good thing. They were very surprised to find out when he was an adult that had just gotten really good at deception and not telling them things. He didn't want to get in trouble. He decided to play the odds and take his chances. My parents were much more natural consequences- discipline type people. We had a much more open relationship and they knew most of what was going on in our lives. It's critical to keep the lines of communication open at this age and if they feel like you have your thumb on them all the time you may put that at risk.

Actually, I don't think writing anything,whether it be from a dictionary, Bible, etc. can hurt a child. It makes them think, whether they are trying to or not. Heck, they may actually learn from it. I'm not saying that it's for everyone. But there are so many people who think that if you do "this" or "that", there is going to be a consequence later on. Or that we may endanger our child's psyche. If there are not ANY types of discipline or punishment for our children's behavior, then we are faced with adults, later in life that may not be productive, respectful, etc. Everyone has their opinions on how to discipline a child. What may work for yours, may not work for mine. JMHO

 

[solgent]

I've read the posts with interest. I have 13 YO twin DDs and one of them can be somewhat unreliable about her schoolwork.

One thing I haven't seen here is exploring why she didn't do the report.

It seems obvious to me why she lied. She didn't want to get in trouble for not having done it. Of course, that is not OK, but it is also not a capital offense. Hopefully this is one moment in the learning process that avoiding or ignoring situations usually makes them worse.

But why didn't she do the report?
*had no interest in the assignment
*thought she wanted to do it but got bored
*didn't know how to begin
*didn't understand the assignment
*doesn't like the teacher and doesn't want to do what he says
*felt she had better things to do
*forgot until it was too late
*worried it wouldn't be good enough
*just wanted attention
*who knows what the reasons might be???

I'd try to really talk to her about what went on, because depending on what was going on with her, it would indicate very different remedies and future course of action. I think until you help her understand where she went wrong, she won't really feel sorry. She is still trying to pretend to herself that none of this happened.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

I think this is a really, really bad idea. Reading is so, so important to the development of young minds...

My deepest sympathy with your middle school woes!

I would have agreed with you until I had my own! I am a former teacher and never would have suggested this! Taking away reading is the only thing that would actually get my DS's attention. Unless the Colts are playing, he watches very little t.v. He has a Wii, but it wouldn't faze him to have it taken away, he doesn't talk on the phone, and while he likes playing with friends, he's perfectly happy by himself. The child reads so much I worry about balance in his life!! Taking away books for a day will not harm his mind. Now my DD, maybe!

I think taking your DD over to the school is a great idea. She may have been way too embarrassed to apologize in front of her peers. As a parent, since you said she had to apologize, you need to follow through.

Best of luck!