Parenting Help!!!

[stinkerbelle's mom]

I think a child psychologist/psychiatrist might be helpful. Even if it's just "a phase", a therapist can help you develop strategies to deal with it. And if there's something more serious going on, like an eating disorder, then the therapist can help you identify the problem and start the appropriate treatment. (As far as I know the basic difference between psychologists and psychiatrists is that psychiatrists are medical doctors and can prescribe drugs.).

I think getting a therapist is a great idea. I know what you mean by stealing it's like he has to eat all of the snacks before anyone else does so in essence he's stealing from his siblings.

Maybe something else is going on in school and he is acting out by bullying his siblings and managing his stress with food. Good luck.

 

[sparks19]

I read your post and wondered - has he always acted this way?

Biologically - could he have sugar inbalances? I know I have a nephew who was REALLY mean hitting people, etc. Found out his blood sugar was dropping - hypoglycemia and he would lash out because he was feeling "out of balance" OR Could he be going through a growth phase and feels embarrassed that he is "eating you out of house and home". My eight year old is hungry all the time. He is very lean and possibly has a really high metabolism.

His world - Could he be having problems at school? Bullying, bad grades, doesn't like teacher, etc. Are your other kids treating him like the bad apple? Do your other children seem to do things effortlessly but for him things are more of a struggle? All of this could cause him to lash out. If he isn't treating you all with disrespect then that tells me that maybe he is going through something and "needs" you on his side but doesn't know how to tell you what's going on.

I don't know your situation and the only way to respond is to be presumptive, but could you sit down with him and say "I love you but it seems you are struggling with something. You are hiding food, lying to me, being disrespectful to your brothers and sisters. Is there something you want to talk about because this isn't the person you really are. Something seems to be stealing the hero (telling the truth, peacemaker, adventurer, etc.) part of you and as your Mom I want to know what that is and how I can help?"

Boys like to know that they are looked at like the good guys. They want to know you care about them and believe that they are better than what they are producing. Think of a husband that comes home frustrated from his job - he wants to know that he is better than his circumstances. Same with young boys I think.

Hope that helps. My 10 year old daughter and I prayed for you because I know it isn't easy raising kids. I also live in Texas so have an affinity for a fellow Texan mom!

Be encouraged. Kids do like boundaries and they DO want their parents involved when life gets overwhelming.

This is a great post too.

Great advice

 

[NAB]

As soon as you many ANY food off limits they are just going to want it more. It is all about moderation. We put no limits on the food our kids eat and 9 times out of 10 they chose a healthy snack. They are all healthy kids at appropriate weights for their heights. I think perhaps your views on this is causing the problem more than anything if you really think that it is stealing to eat food in your own house. Perhaps it would be best to lock you cupboards so kids can't take anything and dole it out as you see fit.

My son does this too and you ask him why he sneaks the food and the answer would be you wouldn't let me have if I asked. He is 13 and I don't know how many empty cans of pop were under the couch. He even went and bought a bag of Dortitos for himself at lunch and was emptying his backpack didn't want me to see so he put it under the couch. I found it later and asked why it was there.

He is old enough to stay home on his own for a bit but he first think I think about is how much will have eatten by the time we get home.

I will not lock up the cupboards but the kids get healthy snacks for school and dinner. They want junk food...and he is probably right I would say no. So I started to give him a portion size instead of a whole bag of chips.

Been mean to the siblings well my son and daughter do fight but never trash each others rooms so can't help you there.

 

[dis-happy]

I have a DS the same age. He does seem to be eating a lot these days. Our house rule is 1 of something per day: one cheese stick, one granola bar, one bag of goldfish, one yogurt, etc. At least that way they get a variety of foods and I'm not totally out of something one day after I've been to the store. He does eat a bowl of cereal w/ milk in the afternoon if he's hungry, same with the microwave popcorn. Cookies, ice cream, etc. are for dessert only, although he'll ask to have his dessert earlier in the day and I let him if he wants. But then he doesn't get dessert after dinner.

As for the bad attitude---we've had our share of that this year too. I've taken the opposite approach though, rather than punishment I felt that he needed more time and attention from my husband and me. He's a middle child that can get lost in the shuffle at times. So I signed up for activities that we do with a parent, such as Boy Scouts and AWANA. I try and get some of the boyish energy out with park days or letting him play basketball with his friends. Sometimes just talking to him and making sure I give him extra hugs is enough to help. Make sure everyone is getting enough sleep too---that always help in our house.

GL!!!

 

[NHdisneylover]

My daughter bullies and/or insults her brother whenever she is really stressed out. It is AWFUL and we are really working on getting her to deal with her stress in a way that doesn't hurt others. It is slow and hard. It DOES help to acknowledge that she is very stressed and find out why and try to help with that. Often she honestly does not realize the stress she is under until we start talking and asking questions. Maybe that is part of the issue

The food thing: Well, most growing boys hitting that tween/teen stage simply cannot be filled up on just fruit and veggies. NO, they do not need cookies, but they need yogurt, cheese, peanut butter, etc. Lots of protein is needed as they start to put on muscle like crazy. DS12 is thin as a rail but lately he can put away a foot long sub and chips for lunch, fruit with peanut butter an hour and a half later, yogurt with granola another hour or two later and polish off a plate sized schnitzle and loads of veggies for dinner and ask for more He is an eating machine--and not getting any more fat on him, but we do see muscles popping up everywhere. I think it IS possible your son is hungry. lacking any "allowed" choices that satisfy him perhaps he is figuring if he will get in trouble anyway he might as well go for the "good stuff" (or maybe there are not other easy to grab and go things that have enough calories to make a dent in his hunger anyway). Of course he is going to try to cover it up if you are overreacting and accusing him of "stealing" (and I do think that is overreacting--maybe he broke a rule about sugar before dinner but he did not steal--that assumes the cookies are YOURS and not there for the family, which I doubt is your attitude when you stop to think of it).

I agree that seeing a counselor to sort through the issues with ALL of you is probably a good idea.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Maybe it is the fact i am a girl and never, ever would have thought about eating a whole pack of cookies.

Maybe I have no ideas about boys--guess I am going to learn a lot in the next few years.

Maybe he is just growing.

Maybe i just needed to hear some advice that is positive from other parents who are going through this or have gone through it

As this boys get older i can say for sure my grocery bill is going to go up--no Maybe about that.

Or maybe it is because you don't have issues that cause you to compulsively scarf food and then hide it.

Growing hungry boys OR girls don't hide food they eat due to true hunger. Emotional eaters will.

Get a counselor as this isnt an issue of healthy versus non-healthy eating. (I can scarf a 3 lb bag of grapes if I felt the urge to do so.)

 

[Magpie]

Maybe I am just overreacting.

Maybe I need to buy a cow.

Maybe i need to buy stock in Girl scout cookies.

Maybe it is the fact i am a girl and never, ever would have thought about eating a whole pack of cookies.

Maybe I have no ideas about boys--guess I am going to learn a lot in the next few years.

Maybe he is just growing.

Maybe i just needed to hear some advice that is positive from other parents who are going through this or have gone through it

As this boys get older i can say for sure my grocery bill is going to go up--no Maybe about that.

I really think you need to look into family counselling.

I'm a girl and I stole food and gorged on entire boxes of cookies (or flats of oranges), and I did it because I was desperately unhappy and living in an abusive situation. So as a parent who has "gone through it" herself, my assumption would be that something isn't right in your boy's life, especially since he's also doing things like destroying his sister's room and bullying his brothers.

If your kid is showing symptoms of a physical illness, you take him to the doctor to get him checked out. Why not do the same, when he's showing psychological symptoms? Maybe it's nothing, but it sure won't hurt.

Sorry if that's not what you were looking to hear.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

BTW - girl scout cookies don't count - EVERONE eats the whole box of those in one sitting!

True.

 

[ThreeKMom]

Is he at a healthy weight? Is he eating all his regular meals in addition to these snacks? I've heard of cases where a bully is stealing a child's lunch and he comes home starving and eats quite a bit. The acting out against siblings can happen if he's being bullied. Being bullied can cause frustration and the child can then act out on other kids and even family pets. If he is over weight there are eating disorders that cause people to consume large amounts of food and never being satisfied. That being said the occassional box of cookies or granola bars seems like a lot of food but for a teen or preteen boy is not unheard of. The best thing you can do is see a Dr to rule out any medical causes and once medical causes are ruled out counselling would be the next option to look into.

I think this post might be right on target!
Try talking to his Teacher, see how he is getting along at school.
Check with his lunch aids to make sure he is eating his lunch.

You mentioned that he values nothing and has very few friends, this troubles me. Does he have any hobbies, or play sports?

Maybe he is stealing food and bulling his siblings because he's just board?

Good Luck, being a Mom is a difficult job, it's not easy to know whats going on in our kid's minds! I'm sure you will figure out whats troubling him and work it out.

Don't take the comments here too personally, every family is different.

 

[diznygirl]

Hopefully it's just something simple like he's hungry. And when he's hungry he's mean to his siblings. And he hides the evidence and lies because he knows he shouldn't do it.

An apple isn't going to fill up a growing boy. If you want him to snack better, maybe sit down with him and brainstorm about the kinds of things he would like to have available. Between the two of you I'm sure you can reach a comprise.

Good luck Mom!

 

[golfgal]

BTW - girl scout cookies don't count - EVERONE eats the whole box of those in one sitting!

True.

I remember long ago one of the 20/20 type shows did a story on a family that let their kids eat anything they wanted, when ever they wanted in response to the kids eating what the parents thought was too much junk food. After a few days of the the kids naturally settled into a good eating pattern and chose mostly healthy food to eat. If you listen to your body and eat what your body is telling you to eat, this will happen. Sometimes you DO need sugar and that is what you should eat then.

 

[Mrs. Sojourner]

Biologically - could he have sugar inbalances? I know I have a nephew who was REALLY mean hitting people, etc. Found out his blood sugar was dropping - hypoglycemia and he would lash out because he was feeling "out of balance" OR Could he be going through a growth phase and feels embarrassed that he is "eating you out of house and home". My eight year old is hungry all the time. He is very lean and possibly has a really high metabolism.

I think these things are definitely worth checking out.

I do not think there is anything wrong with having food boundries in your house. Breaking those are considered stealing at our house as well. To say that you making these special foods for "desserts only" is making your son disobey the rules is ridiculous. (Next thing you know we'll be blaming society for people making their own bad choices....oh wait we do that!) There will always be rules; that is life!

Be encouraged, Momma. Parenting is rough and no one is perfect, but you obviously love your son and want the best for him. Praying for you.

 

[rie'smom]

Maybe I am just overreacting.

Maybe I need to buy a cow.

Maybe i need to buy stock in Girl scout cookies.

Maybe it is the fact i am a girl and never, ever would have thought about eating a whole pack of cookies.

Maybe I have no ideas about boys--guess I am going to learn a lot in the next few years.

Maybe he is just growing.

Maybe i just needed to hear some advice that is positive from other parents who are going through this or have gone through it

As this boys get older i can say for sure my grocery bill is going to go up--no Maybe about that.

Overreacting about the food- probably but the fact that he's hiding it and the other behaviors? I would ask at school about his behavior just to see if a pattern of bullying has developed. It is my opinion that anyone be they child or adult can benefit from counseling.

 

[Bkk40in2011]

Did anyone else notice the ad "military boot camp for boys" and "don't send your kid away" on the bottom of page 2? I am a little bothered that these things popped up on a thread where we are discussing parenting issues. That seems a little too big brother. . .

 

[golfgal]

Hopefully it's just something simple like he's hungry. And when he's hungry he's mean to his siblings. And he hides the evidence and lies because he knows he shouldn't do it.

An apple isn't going to fill up a growing boy. If you want him to snack better, maybe sit down with him and brainstorm about the kinds of things he would like to have available. Between the two of you I'm sure you can reach a comprise.

Good luck Mom!

Exactly--my son snacks on an apple while he is looking in the cupboard to figure out what he want to have for a snack .

Give him some peanut butter, an couple apples, a bag of popcorn and a couple bags of fruit snacks, that will hold him for a couple hours.

Typically DS15 will come home, have a HUGE bowl of cereal while the pizza is cooking in the oven. While he is cleaning up from eating the pizza and cereal he will have a couple pieces of candy. That USUALLY holds him over until dinner. After dinner he is foraging again about an hour or so later-often this ends up being a big bowl of popcorn and some ice cream. DS15 is 5'10" tall and weighs 117 lbs. He is almost TOO skinny.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

My nephew (also 10) is doing a lot of these same things. And yes, if he feels that he needs to hide the evidence, he knows that he's stealing the snacks. My nephew hid in the bathroom to eat 2 slices of cake after we had all eaten dinner and had a slice of aforementioned cake for dessert. He wasn't hungry. He knew he had his slice. He snuck into the bathroom to scarf down almost the entire rest of the cake. My own DS never felt the need to do that so it's NOT "a boy thing".

Here's another vote for counseling, mom. DS is unhappy (which would also explain the bullying of his sibs) about something or unable to control his impulses. Counseling can help him with either situation.

 

[ckmommy]

Sorry... it's not normal for a child to sneak food like that. He hides the wrappers so he knows he's not supposed to so that obviously isn't the issue. He seems like maybe he can't help it... and I DOUBT that it's because you don't feed him enough. My Nephew had this problem actually. He would sneak food all the time. He had plenty to eat but he HAD to have the sweets. He's sneak out of his room in the middle of the night and then in the early morning and raid the cupboards. It was really a problem and he was really starting to put on too much weight because of this. They stopped buying sweets all together but then he just went for the next best thing. He just couldn't help himself.

Counselling really helped him. I do think they should ahve done family counselling too but they just went with his own counsellor.

I'd say a Psychologist may be in order. I went to one when I was younger to deal with issues with my sister. she didn't go but it really helped to have someone to talk to (someone neutral) and when I didn't want advice he didn't give me advice but he did make me talk about why I was feeling that way and what I thought would help. It was nice.. it wasn't someone telling me what to do it was someone that helped ME figure out what I needed to do to deal with the problems.

I think this might really help him... and if you guys also do a family counselling session too I think that would help even more. then you guys can all be on the same page about how to help with this and how to help each other most effectively.

Good luck. It is a tough situation to deal with. I know it must be very stressful for you

This is exactly what my son does. I keep thinking he will grow out of it.

He gets really good grades at school. He has put on a lot of weight in the last 18 months. So, I think he is getting teased at school. I have had talks with the teacher about this--she tells me each time that she will put a stop to it.
With his siblings some of it is just them being kids, but he is always the one who has to "win." When I said that he destroys my DD's room, I meant messes it up. Just plays in there and not cleans it up. Not breaking things--he does not to that kind of thing.
Again--the food thing--there are some things i buy that are a treat. I do not think there is anything wrong with setting limits on how many they can have as a dessert.

I do think it is time to look at a counselor.

 

[Magpie]

Did anyone else notice the ad "military boot camp for boys" and "don't send your kid away" on the bottom of page 2? I am a little bothered that these things popped up on a thread where we are discussing parenting issues. That seems a little too big brother. . .

It's just a computer program picking up on keywords in our discussion and plugging in whichever ads are associated with those words. It doesn't actually understand our conversation.

I love looking to see what kinds of ads pop up! Sometimes the results can be hilarious. (Like ads for adult diapers, when you're swapping Monty Python quotes.)

 

[ilovejack02]

Or maybe it is because you don't have issues that cause you to compulsively scarf food and then hide it.

Growing hungry boys OR girls don't hide food they eat due to true hunger. Emotional eaters will.

Get a counselor as this isnt an issue of healthy versus non-healthy eating. (I can scarf a 3 lb bag of grapes if I felt the urge to do so.)

You are right, a close friend's dd has been in therapy for about two years because of her emotional eating habits. She was constantly hiding food, they know why it started, a divorce triggered it. She is getting the help she needs, as are parents , tough road, but its getting there. The child spent a weekend with me and ate an entire gallon of ice cream and countless other things while we were all sleeping and then hid all the evidence under my son's bed. That is not normal.

 

[badblackpug]

My 10 year old would eat a whole box of cookies or granola bars, if allowed, but he doesn't do the stealing thing. I understand what you mean by stealing, and I do NOT think your kid is not being fed. If he were truly hungry he would eat whatever food is available, even if it was healthy. My son, given his choice, would eat doritos, but if he is told fruit or veggies he will eat an apple. That is if he is honestly hungry, if he is just craving junk he will turn down the healthy food, but I don't know what. I will give you my experience, though. my ex had a daughter from a previous relationship. The custody was sort of 50/50. At one point we noticed that she was putting on quite a bit of weight, but we attributed it to the fact that she ate a lot of fast food at her mother's. (her uncle worked at a fast food restaurant and brought home food) Well one day her mother calls ranting about how she is getting up at night and eating whole bags of chips and what do we do when she does this at our house. This was never a behavior we saw at our house. There was never food missing, and if she wanted snacks she would ask. We weren't junk food free, but we did have a lot of healthy options and she usually struck a very good balance. When we asked her about it, she initially denied it. She later said she did it because she was "hungry." We knew her mother fed her, maybe not the types of meals we would, but we knew she ate. So to make a long story short, we found out then when her mother picked her up she would just take her to her grandmother's (mother's mother) and drop her off there. She was spending most of the time that she was supposed to be at moms at her grandmothers, and her mother instructed her not to tell us or she wouldn't be allowed to see her again. The few nights she did spend at her mother's her mother and her boyfriend would spend in their bedroom watching TV, and send her to her bedroom to watch TV. She was eating to fill a void.

So, I think something is going on with your son emotionally. I don't know what. I'm not saying it has anything to do with home, like it did with us, but the other info you give is concerning. Few friends, bullying, destroying property. He is acting out over something, and he is picking "comfort foods." If it were a simple case of just being hungry, he would eat what was freely available instead of seeking out and hiding certain foods.

Talk to the school. Find out if there have been any problems there.
Maybe get him involved in some extracurricular activities (if he already isn't) that he is interested in where he could meet other kids, or something like martial arts that builds self esteem.

I think counseling is a good idea. Like I said, it seems like something is going on here, maybe a counselor can get to the root of the problem.